I'm ready for marriage, he's not

July 24, 2008

Well, I have been reading some of the other blogs regarding the same issue as mine, but I still find the need to ask for advice...

Ive been with my boyfriend now for 3 years. I am 28, he is 25. There is a bit of an age difference but sometimes I do not think that should matter. I have an almost 5 year old son from my previous relationship. He is ok with this, or so he says. He lives with his parents and I own my own home with just me and my son. Recently this past year I have brought up marriage pretty often. He tells me that yes he wants to marry me "some day" but he is just not ready at this time but has no idea why he's not ready or when he will be. So I am very frustrated because I feel that the least you can do is tell me your reasons as to why your not ready. Here's the catch.. He's very very close with his family. He does not know how to really survive on his own because his mother has done everything for him his whole life. His friends are also a huge part of his life. He has to hang out with them atleast 1 night a week along with playing softball or football 1 night a week and going to baseball games a few times a month. He will only stay at my house from Friday-Sunday and then he now has been staying over on Wednesday nights as well. We are on a set schedule.

Now that you have an idea of what everything is like, please help me to figure out if he's ever going to leave the nest? He obviously is very immature but will it ever change? I've also mentioned a long engagement or possibly just moving in together to see how things will work for right now. I'm not talking marriage by next year but something involving some kind of commitment would be nice.

Other thing I should add. He has told me that he would like to maybe start having children by the time i am 30 & he is about 27-28. Which means in 2-3 years! BUT, he is not ready for marriage?? It's almost as if he tells me one thing, then says another. I'm very confused and to the point where we have been fighting a lot lately. I do not want to force him, but at the same time, I do not feel it is fair to me. I want him to want to marry me, not feel like he has to. But I feel as though after 3 years of telling someone you love them, you should know at that point if you want to marry them.

Any advice would help because as of right now I told him that I had to think things through and breaking up might be an option...

Thanks again,

dbella

July 25, 2008

First of all, I think there is nothing wrong with him being unable to pinpoint why he doesn't wqanna get married soon. It's one thing to think/say "I want to have children at age X." and another to say "I'll marry you in X months/years". He can delay thoughts about children, but he cannot delay a commitment about children.

I think he is quite comfortable the way he is living now, if his mother has always been taking care of him. I felt almost as if you objected to him wanting to spend at least 1 night/week with his friends (that is NOT a lot, you know...I want to see my friends at least 3 times a week)! I feel like you want to settle down, have the family thing - but he is only 25. I'd never settle for having a family at 25 - I think myself 28 is an age where you start to think "yeah maybe in a year or two".

What I am trying to say here is that there is nothing "immature" about not wanting to get married at 25. I agree he should consider moving out of his parents home (does he work or go to uni or what does he do for a living btw?), but I don't think you'd like to hve two children in your home (doing the cleaning/cooking for two etc).

If you really love him, you can choose to stay around. You can ask for an explanation for why he wont marry you but I think it'll just end with the fact that he feels he has so much more he wants to do than getting married at 25. Perhaps say if he wanted a child at 28 you'd need marriage/commitment at 27?

Edit: I do agree however that after 3 years he should know where he wants you to be in his future or not. If marriage is that important perhaps you should consider waiting no longer and find a man who is ready for marriage.

July 25, 2008

OP, set a timeline for yourself. Communicate this timeline to him. He's not "required" to obey your timeline. You are not "required" to continue a relationship with him which isn't satisfying to you. If getting married is an issue for you, it's an issue for you. Don't let anyone minimize that. The right man for you will respect and embrace that, just like he will embrace and respect your achievements as a mother and homeowner.

Would you prefer he not move in prior to marriage? Given the circumstances, I'd recommend against it. Just an instinct....

July 25, 2008

I think by him giving you a timeline about when he wants children is a step in the right direction. If marriage is really important to you then just very simply state to him that you will not have children out of wedlock with him. I think he may come around soon enough. I think more so you need to work on getting him to learn about adult responsibility. If you have a good relationship with his mom then maybe you could talk to her about how to slowly give him a more adult life..then it will eventually all come together. I am fairly certain that your relationship will progress the way it should. Just have one good talk with him.

July 25, 2008

dbella,

Acknowledging that it is a problem for you, it might nevertheless be a worthwhile endeavour to explore what it is about your relationship or current life situation that is causing it to be a problem. That is, what are the underlying fears and concerns; where are they coming from?

Sometimes we can get caught up in an unexamined thought until it feels like some crushing "need", and it can be easy to just obsess about it without any further consideration.

If it does turn out that this really is what you must have for yourself at this point in your life, then perhaps this is not the guy...that is, from your own account, it sounds as if you two are at different life stages, right now.

Wishing you Clarity and Guidance.

July 25, 2008

OP, set a timeline for yourself. Communicate this timeline to him. He's not "required" to obey your timeline. You are not "required" to continue a relationship with him which isn't satisfying to you. If getting married is an issue for you, it's an issue for you. Don't let anyone minimize that. The right man for you will respect and embrace that, just like he will embrace and respect your achievements as a mother and homeowner.

Would you prefer he not move in prior to marriage? Given the circumstances, I'd recommend against it. Just an instinct....

I totally agree with this. When a man wants to marry you, nothing can stop him.

Many women wait years and never get the proposal. I have to say of all the R's I know personally whenever an ultimatum was issued and the couple married, all of them ended in divorce. (I'm sure that's not true in every case, but it seems to be a trend.)

If he doesn't want to marry you know and you're ready to get married, it's probably best that you find someone who is like-minded. He's young.

GEL

July 25, 2008

I agree, he may not know what his own reluctance is but I have a feeling that it might have to do with a sense of "finality" about it as far as his individuality goes, esp when there is a child involved and he is all of a sudden expected to be "Dad".

I had a similar situation some years ago where I really loved the guy (I had no kids at that time) but...he was just reluctant to get married. I was 26 and he was 24 when we met. I felt somewhat insulted or not fully validated or something that he did not want to get married so I did end the relationship, primarily for that reason. I moved on to someone who was also ready to have kids and I had kids with that one, even though in retrospect I never really loved him the same.

When I broke up with the father of my children, this guy looked me up again wanting to get back together. We did briefly but as is usually the case "you can't go back again". But we did talk about what had happened to us and I explained that since he would not marry me I felt that I was just temporary or used or for whatever reason deemed not to be "the one".

Strangely, he said that the reason he did not want to get married was because I had had several LTRs before him and he was afraid that I would ultimately leave him. Which I did. Twice. (I dumped him again when I met my H, although I don't consider it a dump because I told him we were just hanging out the second time and I was still searching for Mr Right...nonetheless, he felt dumped.) Don't know if you can call that self-fulfilling prophecy as it might have happened anyway but perhaps food for thought for you...

Not sure if that is a possibility, it sounds to me like he is just not ready to give up a certain amount of freedom or just has not mentally acclimated to being married. You had a child at a young age and had to grow up quickly...his experience has been a bit different.

3 years is kind of long but if you love him and things are otherwise alright, and he sounds like he just wants to wait a bit longer, then I see no reason why not to hang in there a bit longer.

Maybe if you could tell him why you want to be married and what bothers you about the fact that he doesn't - in terms of your feelings, not in terms of "what's wrong with him"...then maybe it would help him to sort out and convey his own true feelings on the matter.

Best of luck.

July 25, 2008

Just so my perspective is clear, I do not think there is anything wrong or bad about the BF in this case. To me, it is simple incompatibility regarding marriage. Is it irreconcilable? I don't know. As luvstarved suggested, couching statements about the subject with how his actions/inactions make the OP feel is IMO sound advice. Tell him what you want and how you feel about the status quo. Listen to what he says. Accept what he says. Trust me, I know how hard that is to do (I'm the endless debater ). Sleep on it.

Let us know what transpires. It's a process

July 25, 2008

If he doesn't want to marry you now and you're ready to get married, it's probably best that you find someone who is like-minded. He's young.

Agree 100%. Dbella, you're trying to pound a square peg into a round hole. If he was independent and established, you might be able to woo him into marriage. But the fact that he's living at home and hangin' with the guys down at the frat house means that he's on a different timeline than you. Doesn't make him a bad guy, just makes him a bad prospect for marriage. Unless you want to be raising two children, you need to look elsewhere for stability...

Mr. Lucky

July 25, 2008

Bettyboop, I would like to comment some of the things that you have mentioned in reply to my issue. First and foremost you have mentioned a few times that I want him to get married now, at the age of 25 but that is incorrect. I stated in my thread that I would like to get engaged, not married right now. I have told him that maybe getting engaged before this year is out would be nice that way we could plan a wedding for 2 years from now. By then he will be going on 28 or already 28. I have also mentioned to him that even moving in together as a trial period would be beneficial to us, just to have some kind of commitment to eachother until he is ready. I have been more than reasonable with trying to make things easy on him but he does not like change and is completly comfortable where he is at. Like I said before, he is VERY immature for even 25. He does not drive, does not have any desire to drive, does not mind living at his parents house and cleaning up after his parents and his older brother and sometimes I feel as though he will not leave because he feels like his parents need him. His father is very pushy and tries to tell him what to do at all times. He graduated from college with a bachlors in criminal justice but his father told him that he had to work at the company that he works at instead of doing something that he would be interested in. So he's working making average money sitting at a desk all day. I want whats best for him and I feel like he lets people take advantage of him and does exactly what his parents say and by the age 25 he should be more independant and think more on his own. I just think that if you truley love someone then after 3 years of being with them you should know something about your future. He tells me that he "hopes that I'm the right one" when I feel as though he "is the right one". Another point I may add to all of this is that he has admitted to me that his father is against marriage because his mother and fathers marriage has failed and they live in the same house but hate eachother.. His uncle's who he is very close to are a bunch of cheaters and hate their wives. So I think that they have a BIG part of his choices and the way he feels. He tells me that marriages never last and that people have so many problems when they move in together. I try to explain to him that it's not EVERYONE. There are happy people out there, but I just do not think it is sinking in....

July 25, 2008

He's not ready because he is 25. Most men that age aren't ready to get married just yet.

Because you are older than him, did the thought cross your mind that you wouldn't be on the same page regarding marriage? If he is talking about marriage and kids then most likely he would like that to happen but not just yet. I would NOT reccomend giving him a timeline or an ultimatum. Set your own timeline in your head..if he hasn't proposed by then, then re-evaluate the relationship to see if you are wasting your time.

Oh, and please don't pressure or bug him about it. That's not going to make him want to marry you any faster.

July 25, 2008

Bettyboop, I would like to comment some of the things that you have mentioned in reply to my issue. First and foremost you have mentioned a few times that I want him to get married now, at the age of 25 but that is incorrect. I stated in my thread that I would like to get engaged, not married right now. I have told him that maybe getting engaged before this year is out would be nice that way we could plan a wedding for 2 years from now. By then he will be going on 28 or already 28.

Not ready to be engaged is the same as not ready to get married. Men who are not ready for marriage generally don't propose with the thought that "oh I'll be engaged for a long time and hope to be ready sometime in the future." No, men generally propose when they realize they want to make the ultimate committment. This guy just isn't ready to do that at this time. I know what you are saying about the engagement I really do..if you wait a year to get marreid then you are still postponing marriage for yourself even after being engaged.

I realize that you are 28 and looking to get engaged. But even if you wait 2 or 3 years your still going to be like 31 and old enough to have children. Most couples don't get married now-adays until they are in their 30's.

I have also mentioned to him that even moving in together as a trial period would be beneficial to us, just to have some kind of commitment to eachother until he is ready. I have been more than reasonable with trying to make things easy on him but he does not like change and is completly comfortable where he is at. Like I said before, he is VERY immature for even 25. He does not drive, does not have any desire to drive, does not mind living at his parents house and cleaning up after his parents and his older brother and sometimes I feel as though he will not leave because he feels like his parents need him. His father is very pushy and tries to tell him what to do at all times. He graduated from college with a bachlors in criminal justice but his father told him that he had to work at the company that he works at instead of doing something that he would be interested in.

Okay, he sounds a little immature and that he's not ready to give up his "I spounge off my parents" scenerio. Again he may need some time to get over that.

I just think that if you truley love someone then after 3 years of being with them you should know something about your future. He tells me that he "hopes that I'm the right one" when I feel as though he "is the right one". Another point I may add to all of this is that he has admitted to me that his father is against marriage because his mother and fathers marriage has failed and they live in the same house but hate eachother..

Ok wait, does this guy even WANT to get married. Because that is a TOTALLY different story then not being ready. Wow, you need to have a talk about whether or not you two even have a future together. Not in a pressuring way, just ask him if you think you are wasting your time in this relationship. And would he want to get married SOMEDAY. No timeline, no pressure, nothing. Just ask him if this is what he wants. Because if it isn't you really will be waiting around for nothing.

July 25, 2008

First, I would suggest you start getting to know the mother and friends to find out what you can about him. Observe him in their presence. It might be that he is afraid to step out of his own and to take on the responsibilities of a wife and a step child.

Secondly, I agree that a timeline that you BOTH work on, taking into account what BOTH of your desires are and finding a middle ground you BOTH can work towards, and if he backs down, let him go.

Thirdly, I would strongly suggestion a couples counseling and pre-marital counseling. Use every resource at your disposal to build a successful relationship starting today.

DNR

July 25, 2008

I don't get it.. why would you want to marry someone who is NOT that into you and doesn't want to marry you...

WOW... I am on his side.. marriage is doomed to fail...

July 26, 2008

Oops...I hope I did not offend or hurt you with my comments, since you replied to me specifically...I just feel like 25 is still a bit too young to know where you want to be within the next few years...

I do agree with you, that his relatives' bad marriage experiences might scare him off a bit - but if he truly felt right about you, shouldn't he be willing to reconsider these "facts" he has about marriage?

I think engagement can be just as terrifying for a young man as marriage, because it is still a huge commitment - and instead of being able to say "Yeah I'll marry you someday" he'll see the 2 years creep closer - and it probably feels scary to have a timeline like that. However...

...One thing that concerened me a lot was where you said that he said that he "hopes that you're the right one"...after 3 years, he should know if that is true by now. What could change between you two that hasn't happened within these 3 years? Doesn't he feel he knows you well enough? Why is he just "hoping"? Why doesn't he know? If I were you - I would find out exactly why he is still just "hoping".

What makes you so sure he is the one?

July 26, 2008

his father is against marriage because his mother and fathers marriage has failed and they live in the same house but hate each other.. His uncle's who he is very close to are a bunch of cheaters and hate their wives. ... He tells me that marriages never last and that people have so many problems when they move in together.

dbella,

The good news is that he at least knows the source of his fears! -- He is living from a bunch of OTHER people's beliefs and experiences, just as you said.

Sadly, as long as he holds these beliefs as his own, he will NOT make "good husband material" -- beliefs that he chooses to accept as THE truth will become his own self-fulfilling prophecy. (Law of Attraction)

You are also 100% correct that it does not HAVE to be the way of his parents and uncles...but helping him to accept something better for himself is quite a different (and difficult) task.

If he does not change his beliefs and, therefore, the fabric and 'fate' of his first marriage, perhaps he will do so after his second...or third marriage. But he will definitely live out whatever are his current beliefs about any given subject. And it is your choice if you want to live out whatever experience with him...you already do have a clear picture of how that's going to look, when it comes to HIS marriage.

July 28, 2008

In reply to bettyboops question. He tells me that he hopes that i'm the one because he says that for me to be his "perfect dream girl" I will stop giving him a hard time if he wants to hang out with my friends (who may I add he sees already 3x's a week & that isnt good enough apparently). He says this is his only flaw for me.

Someone else had mentioned that we should try relationship counseling... I have mentioned it and he told me that it is stupid & refuses to do it..

I'm running out of options. I just see this relationship going no where. He cares WAY to much about what his friends thing and that bothers me bad. For instance, this weekend was a birthday party for my brother. His friends we're all going out on saturday. Well, it took me 3 weeks to make he realize that being with me at my families party was more important than hanging out with his friends no matter what they are doing.. So he took my side but then the next day he got 3 or more phone calls from his friends saying that they were disappointed in him for not coming out. So now he feels like their all either mad or really disappointed in him. In my eyes, these guys need to GROW UP! Their all a bunch of single guys that give all their friends who have girls a hard time & then wonder why their single! No one sees my point?

July 28, 2008

How come no one has touched on what the OP has said in all her posts about how immature her boyfriend is. Why would you, OP, want to even marry someone with seemingly no backbone? You think he's somehow going to grow up by marrying you?

I think it's better you see him for who he is now, take note of that and think carefully whether he's the kind of person you want to spend your life with.

July 28, 2008

How come no one has touched on what the OP has said in all her posts about how immature her boyfriend is. Why would you, OP, want to even marry someone with seemingly no backbone? You think he's somehow going to grow up by marrying you?

I think myself and others have said that all along:

Unless you want to be raising two children, you need to look elsewhere for stability...

Mr. Lucky

July 28, 2008

Yeah, this is just the latest installment. I hope the OP finds her truth....

July 29, 2008

Thanks everyone for all your thoughts and advice. I will hopefully get through this but I want you all to know that I have taken every bit of advice and have put it towards helping my choice making.

Thanks again!

July 29, 2008

This is a classic case of you wanting to change a guy into something you want him to be. He's only 25, he's not meant to be anywhere near ready for M! He's enjoying his young, carefree years with his family and friends and doing cool stuff, and also dating a hottie-good for him! He likes it that way and its right for him, and its not fair to push him into a commitment he isnt ready for - particularly when it seems, in every other regard, he's a lovely boyfriend to you. If at the end of the day you;re at the age where you want M, you might need to find an older or more established guy. You're just at different stages of life, thats all, but itd be a mistake to force it with this guy as he isnt ready yet. IMO getting engaged even for a long engagement at 25 is way too early.

July 29, 2008

Well, never did I once say that I was forcing him into anything. my question this whole time was "why" after 3 years does he not even want to discuss as you would say "M". You say its not fair what I am doing to him, but is it fair for me to wait around for someone who tells me he has no idea when he will ever be ready? He tells me not to leave him, but at the same time, he's not ready. How is this fair to me?

July 29, 2008

Dbella, I wasnt trying to upset you!

And you don't need to vocalise the fact you are forcing/pressurising him...because it's obvious that you are. He's made it clear he isn't ready and you say 'but it;s not fair to me' and by saying that to him/giving him that impression, it's essentially emotional blackmail. The whole way you say 'how is that fair on me' is way off base! Not being ready for M is just a reflection of what he needs and wants and enjoys right now. That's his decision and he knows what is right for him. It is in no way selfish, he is in no way disrespecting you, it does not indicate a lack of love for you - it is just different to the way YOU feel as you two are at different stages of life, and have different life goals right now. If you 'expect' M from him, it isnt fair, as he's made it clear he isnt ready for that at the moment. Just because you want it real bad doesn't mean he has to want it too! Respect what he needs and if you can't do that, fair enough, leave him and go find an older, more settled guy who is much more ready for M, and therefore has life goals that are more in synch with your own.

July 30, 2008

DBella most guys aren't going to get it. But, I do. And I feel for you. They don't see how it is unfair for him not to even talk to you, to find a level of compromise where you are not sitting around wasting your time and dreams on someone who may or may not want to be there. At the same time, you give him a certain time to make up his mind so that he is not being rushed to make a decision too hastily.

I would suggest you ignore those who are telling you that you are wrong and listen to the ones that tells you to go with your feelings. Remember you BOTH are in this relationship and BOTH need to make sure your feelings and desires are being taken into consideration.

DNR

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