lying

[april1325]

I love my husband, and dont want to leave him, but it feels like he is giving me no other choice.We have been together 5 years, and married 3. He is constantly lying about his drug use, friends, and where he is going. I know he cheated on me once,and we seperated, and i forgave him. This last 6 months was suppose to be our new start. No more lies, drugs, and sneaking out. i dont think i am asking to much for him to be honest with me, and spend time with his children and me. He spends most of his time at his friends house, and he claims it is just they are good friends, and not all the drugs being passed around. He dont have one friend that is not a drug addict. Im not talking just about pot. It is pot, coke, pills, alcohol, and anything else you could name. He says he dont have a problem with the drugs. It is me who has the problem. When we got together I never made him quit, he made me that commitment,and i believe him. I take care of the kids, clean the house, cook, and everything else you can mention. I dont know of anything else i can do.i have ask him to do rehab, counseling, but he says no. I wil admit i call him names when he makes me angry. Should i give him another chance or just call it quits?

[Keridan]

You need to put your foot down. Either he stops all the suspicious activity and lies and other BS or he finds himself out on his butt.

 

I have a drug problem. I've been sober for a little while now, but it took some doing to get there. I wan't doing everything you list and it was still a problem. I was pretty up front with my wife and still held a job and didn't fail to make the bills and such. Even saying that, I very much had a problem. I even admitted as much long before I was able to sober up.

 

Right now, he is getting away with lying and playing games in order to get both the drugs he wants and you waiting at home for him. That's not okay and it's not a situation he is likely to fix. He has to decide between one or the other. Unfortunately, in this situation, you have to either force him to make that decision or make it for him.

 

In my case, my wife didn't want to marry a drug addict. I thought that was fair enough and sobered up well before the wedding. I haven't gone back on that and have no plans to do so. Not that it's easy. I crave every single day. But I have made it through the worst and I love my wife. Easy enough decision. I wish I had seen it so clearly earlier. It would have saved us both some pain.

 

I'm sorry. I wish I had a better answer. I mostly can only offer input from the other side of things. You are right to feel the way you do and whatever you decide to do, I hope it works out for the best!

[april1325]

thank you for your advice and congratulations on your sobriety:)

 

I have never done drugs,or plan on starting. Ive never claimed to understand his problems with addiction, but I have offered to listen, and to help him get help if he wants it.

 

A couple of months ago I really thought he had changed because he said he had found god and was going to change because he realized what he had to lose. He was really doing good. He has admitted to having a problem, but he just threw all his effort away so easily. I know he wasnt using atleast for 1 month. Then we had an arguement over something I cant remember about a month after he was clean, and he went back.

 

I try to be sensitive, and encourage him. We use to live in a bigger city, and we moved to rural area far away from the city because I thought it would help. I figured less access to drugs, but boy was i ever wrong. If there is a drug addict on the block he will find them. Ive never met anyone like him in that aspect. I love him and dont want to lose him. I guess the real reason I havent walked away yet is because his family gave up on him and I dont want to be like them. I know he can do it. I want my children to grow up with a father figure which is something I never had, but if he dont care then i have no other coice but to walk away. I try to show him that he dont need the drugs to be happy. Again thank you for your advise.

[Keridan]

We druggies can find each other like you wouldn't believe. I can spot a user at 100 yards and at 50 tell you what types they like and how long they've been high. I've been all around the country and whether I'm there for 5 hours or 5 years, I can find all the drugs available there. This isn't bragging, it's a sad fact that makes sobriety a lot harder than just not being around it.

 

I understand that you don't want to give up on him. I think that's very admirable. Unfortunately, it's a form of enabling. He doesn't have to worry about losing everything because he was lucky enough to find someone who will stand by him in all his idiocy.

 

I'm not suggesting you kick him to the curb to teach him a lesson, however. He just needs to know how close he is to losing it all before it happens. Hopefully, like me, he will wise up before he destroys everything good in his life.

 

As for helping him, that is a tough track to take. Encouragement and faith are great. He's lucky to have you. He, of course, has to make his own decision to do it. It sounds like he's ready for that, but the way he tried wasn't the one for him. A single relapse sent him right back to step one.

 

There is more than one way to quit. I could not do it cold turkey. I had to ease off. I got in with a very experienced drug counselor and worked out a plan. I went from being high every day to doing a 2 on 2 off deal. After a couple weeks, I did 2 on 4 off. It stepped up from there. It sounds incredibly slow, but when you start to realize you can still function on the sober days, it gets easier and easier to spread out the stops. Eventually I sobered for a month, got high one last time, then I haven't gone back since.

 

That is definately not the best plan for everyone. I share it because I think that sometimes people feel there is no other option than cold turkey. Even more, they feel that going to NA or AA won't help, because they already know what they have to do. Neither of these is true.

 

Maybe tell him that and ask if there is a way he can live with? Tell him the only absolute rule is that he be honest. It's the only way you can help with something like this. Of course, you will have to try not to get so pissed when he admits screwing up that he never wants to tell you again. But, then you will be making a team effort. I've seen it make a relationship even stronger.

 

Keep updating. I wish you the best!

[april1325]

We have talked about him doing the quitting method you described, but he cant handle it. You give him an inch and he takes a mile. Ive tried to compromise with him about his drug use. I told him I didnt have as big of a problem with him smoking, but he couldnt stay high all day long from the time he gets up till he goes to bed. I told him he could only spend so much a week on it, but that didn't work out so well. He will spend every penny he has if he has money on him.

 

I am just tired of not being able to rely on him, or believe in him.

 

I admit I have gone off on him when he admits to screwing things up, but his screw up are usually on a massive scale.

 

He use to have a good job until he got laid off, and he has been drawing unemployment, and he sees no reason to be clean until a couple of weeks before he goes to find a job. When he stays high all day it makes me feel as if I am the reason for him trying to get away.

 

again thank you for your advice. it has really been helpful.

[Keridan]

I absolutely don't blame you. Addiction effects everyone differently. It sounds like he has become too comfortable telling you whatever he thinks will keep him out of trouble. That is no basis for recovery.

 

Going off on him when he screws up is completely normal. There isn't even anything wrong with it unless you have made a bargain and he is keeping up his end. Unfortunately, that's a very rare situation. Usually, there is no reason he shouldn't be told what a jackass he's being.

 

Did you know there is support out there for you? It seems a lot of family/friends think there is only help for those who actually have the problem. This is very far from the truth. I have three sites listed below that you may find some help on. Also, if you call any recovery group in your town, they will be able to give you information on where you can go to get help.

 

I'm very sorry for what you are going through. He is stubbornly holding on to all the excuses and stories we druggies are known for. It sounds like you are at wit's end (and no one could blame you). I hope that you can find a resolution that works for him, you, and your family. I know you might have to settle for the last two, but that might have to be considered a victory.

 

 

http://famaddicts.meetup.com/

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/117425-please-welcome-friends-family-addicts.html

http://www.na.org/

 

Again, all my best wishes! If I can help more, please just let me know. I wish I had more answers for you.

[april1325]

Again, Thank you for your advice. I looked at the sites you had listed and I think they will be a big help. Thank You for listening to my problems.

[Keridan]

Of course! Please feel free to vent here or ask for more help if you need it!

[cyabye]

You have children to protect not just you. You know what needs to be done. Sometimes losing everything makes a person "see the light" so to speak and maybe that is what he needs now. Wish you the best.

 

cyabye

[MNWILD]

April, My wife has lost her 2 boys that are 15 and 17 she still has my 10 year old daughter with her but she hasn't seen the light. I think all she cares about is herself and it's horrible!! I hope everything works out for you!!

[april1325]

I want to thank all of you for your advice. This is the first time Ive use this site, and I am really glad I found it because the people on here are very nice and sincere.