eldslover Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 Basically I live with my ex girlfriend as friends. I am 23 and so is she. First off, we were really started as only friends since high school. We started dating when college began for just over 1 yr, at which time she left me to be with someone else that lasted only 1 week, we didn't speak much for a while afterwards and then we maintained a 'friendship'. Honestly it was a bad idea but it was basically about another year, year and half of dating although we insisted on not maintaining the bf/gf idea although it had all the perks. So eventually it turned into a friends with benefits type of thing, but we always had talked about moving in together since we got along pretty well with each other. Moving ahead we are currently living together, since we moved in she has had two bf's, and i have been with two other girls. Honestly it doesn't bother me, i care for her and such but what she does with her life, at least relationship wise, i don't care for. But is it fair for me to ask her not to bring anyone she is seeing over? Honestly i am totally comfortable with her having someone, its not my business just as long as its not where we live. We live in a one bedroom apt. I simply don't like it. I don't question what she does or where she goes, i'm in no position to do so. And she knows I don't like the idea. But he has been their a few time maybe 3-4 times over the course of a few months and insists it is not a bf. I know otherwise from overhearing her conversations which just ticks me off as being played for a fool. And i've told her plenty of times she just lies to get her way, she knows i know her way too well to see what she is doing but she does it anyway. Am i being unfair? I would honestly like to leave not just for this reason but since it would be better for the both of us.
Ronni_W Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 Since it is a one-bedroom apartment, it seems reasonable that NEITHER of you get to have overnight guests. But, if it's okay for one then it must be okay for the other, too. But, since it isn't working for you on other levels, as well, yes it will be better for you, if you both made different living arrangements. (She may be perfectly happy in the current situation, in which case it would NOT "be better" for her. So...when you have 'the talk' just stay focused on your own needs and desires.)
carhill Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 You're roommates.... Never had one but I can't imagine, if I did, why I would have any say in who they entertained, as long as they weren't causing physical damage to the premises. This assumes "over" meaning on the premises. Overnight stays would be negotiable. Since this is a one BR, who sleeps in the living room? IMO, yes, you're being unfair. Further, I think you have unresolved issues with your roommate. Lastly, I agree that it would be a good idea for you (or one of you) to move out
Author eldslover Posted July 24, 2008 Author Posted July 24, 2008 Thank you for your responses, deep down I felt I was being unfair but I wouldn't bring someone I was seeing home, friends family are different obviously. The apt isnt small but its not big either and it would just be uncomfortable, in my opinion. We both agree upon no sleepovers, and this may or may not add depth to the argument, but we both sleep together in the same bed. I'm not sure if it could be that there is some underlying jealousy on my part, but being that it doesn't bother me she has a partner I have ruled it out...?? Would it be better for me to leave, yes. Would it be better for her? Financially probably not, but she claims I am also the only person she can see living with. I have proposed to her that she find a new room mate, since the both of us could do better without each other. We have common complaints about each other, but nothing that can't be worked through but this issue in particular simply has me wanting to go. (It just ticks me off!!) This way neither of us has to deal with it.
sfsassy Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 A few years ago, I amost dated a guy who was living with his ex.. It just seemed a bit odd to me. He ended up deciding not to date me becase he was still hung up on the ex. Even if you are good friends, I just don't think it is a great idea.
carhill Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 We both agree upon no sleepovers, and this may or may not add depth to the argument, but we both sleep together in the same bed. Somehow I figured that.... Anyone here see a problem? *raises hand*
Author eldslover Posted July 24, 2008 Author Posted July 24, 2008 A few years ago, I amost dated a guy who was living with his ex.. It just seemed a bit odd to me. He ended up deciding not to date me becase he was still hung up on the ex. Even if you are good friends, I just don't think it is a great idea. Yea I have thought of that, how could someone go out with someone who lives with an ex. But would it be different if two people of opposite sex were living together without a relationship and no past? Would you have dated him if that ex was just a friend? Hypothetically speaking of course. That's nice he ended it though... I don't think I would seriously consider a girl in that kind of situation, and I don't expect any one to trust me completely either. I haven't had a long term relationship since i've been there, just flings basically, not because of the living situation, but just because.
sfsassy Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 Yea I have thought of that, how could someone go out with someone who lives with an ex. But would it be different if two people of opposite sex were living together without a relationship and no past? Would you have dated him if that ex was just a friend? Hypothetically speaking of course. That's nice he ended it though... I don't think I would seriously consider a girl in that kind of situation, and I don't expect any one to trust me completely either. I haven't had a long term relationship since i've been there, just flings basically, not because of the living situation, but just because. I had the second situation about 6 months ago. The guy was flakey anyway, but it did made me weird. They just seemed so close, and she was his best friend, which you know was odd. n However, I just realized both of my main exes did have female roomates. One roomate was a lesbian, and I knew her, so no worries there. As for the other situation/ex The other people generally, accept for that ex were in and out of the house. I mean my ex was friends with the women, but the landlord choose them, not him and the other tenants were students. Although I think my ex did have veto power as he had been there so long. Also, everyone had their own bed/bedroom, lol! The first time I went to the house of that ex, I told him that the roomate I met was cute. He was sweet and said "I didn't notice. Certainly not as cute as you. She has a great boyfriend you know" It was cool because in that statement he let me know that he wasn't into her in that way, and she wasn't available. With his other female roomates, I don't think they would have been into him, or vice versa, due to cultural differences. With a date you can't pretend that you weren't into your ex grlfriend as some point. I think you eventually need to leave so you can have the chance for a real relationship. I mean if a real relationship is your goal. Plus don't you want to bring people home, insttead of having to say a long explanation of why you can't? A girl just isn't going to trust you that much otherwise.
foreverin Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 My ex and I did this EXACT same thing....got drunk one night, the friendship went out the window and we have now been married over 10 years with 2 kids!!!
whichwayisup Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 would just be uncomfortable, in my opinion Because of the size of your place, right? IF this is the only reason, then yes, make a rule no sleepovers. BUT, if there are other reasons that bug you on a personal level (if it makes you feel jealous or something) then you don't have a right to tell her not to bring someone home.
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