Author sedgwick Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 It's so weird, I woke up this morning feeling about 50% over him. When it was good, it was great. We had a tremendous amount in common. But there were things we didn't have in common, too. I was on the phone with my best friend/ex-husband last night (yes, my ex-hubby is my best friend, was before we got married and remains so after, and we've talked every day for 14 years.) Of all the people I've ever met in my life, he's the one with whom I have the most in common. He's also the one person I totally and completely trust. Anyway, we were talking about books, like we do most of the time. I'm on a big Faulkner kick lately, and we got into yet another long discussion about his work. And I realized the thing I love the most about him is that he knows how to converse on a wide variety of topics and he's really informed about all of them. After all these years, we can sit up talking all night long and not get bored with each other. The moral of this story is that Joe couldn't do that. He could talk about music and only music, and really only this one very specific genre of music. Occasionally he'd read a book and talk to me about it, but if I gave him a book and asked him to read it, he never did. He didn't know anything about film, either. I gave him a film education, and he was interested in what I showed him, but he wouldn't have gone out and seen a film on his own or invited me to a movie. If we went out, it was to one of his gigs or to a gathering with his musician friends, and everybody would end up playing music. Wherever we went, whatever we did, it was music-centered. Always, every single time, unless it was one of the rare occasions when he came to see me dance. For as long as I was with him it was always going to be about music, and whenever I saw him it was going to be between tours and he was going to be exhausted. He never showed up rested and relaxed and healthy. Half the time he couldn't see me when he *was* in town because he was sick, having weakened his immune system so badly. This is not normal. He is actively choosing not to seek balance in his life, and my life is all about finding balance. Sitting out on the terrace last night, surrounded by my garden, I realized that I've put a lot of work into making this little outdoor sanctuary for myself. I've tried to create an environment that I find relaxing. Yesterday I wrote, but then I stopped and went for a drink with my friend, and then to dance class. I love all the women in my dance company, and I thought how lucky I was to have such a diverse group of friends and to participate in such a diverse group of activities. That is something that was never going to happen with my ex. I don't really have any choice but to get over him. I'm just sick of crying about him. My self-esteem started to erode pretty early on in our relationship because it was always blatantly obvious that I would always come second to the bass. And he was always going to be selfish. For some reason I feel better today. Is it really possible to have literally gotten perspective on this overnight?
roghornio Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 It's so weird, I woke up this morning feeling about 50% over him. For some reason I feel better today. Is it really possible to have literally gotten perspective on this overnight? Remember any of your dreams from this morning or in the night?
Author sedgwick Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 It's so weird, I woke up this morning feeling about 50% over him. When it was good, it was great. We had a tremendous amount in common. But there were things we didn't have in common, too. I was on the phone with my best friend/ex-husband last night (yes, my ex-hubby is my best friend, was before we got married and remains so after, and we've talked every day for 14 years.) Of all the people I've ever met in my life, he's the one with whom I have the most in common. He's also the one person I totally and completely trust. Anyway, we were talking about books, like we do most of the time. I'm on a big Faulkner kick lately, and we got into yet another long discussion about his work. And I realized the thing I love the most about him is that he knows how to converse on a wide variety of topics and he's really informed about all of them. After all these years, we can sit up talking all night long and not get bored with each other. The moral of this story is that Joe couldn't do that. He could talk about music and only music, and really only this one very specific genre of music. Occasionally he'd read a book and talk to me about it, but if I gave him a book and asked him to read it, he never did. He didn't know anything about film, either. I gave him a film education, and he was interested in what I showed him, but he wouldn't have gone out and seen a film on his own or invited me to a movie. If we went out, it was to one of his gigs or to a gathering with his musician friends, and everybody would end up playing music. Wherever we went, whatever we did, it was music-centered. Always, every single time, unless it was one of the rare occasions when he came to see me dance. For as long as I was with him it was always going to be about music, and whenever I saw him it was going to be between tours and he was going to be exhausted. He never showed up rested and relaxed and healthy. Half the time he couldn't see me when he *was* in town because he was sick, having weakened his immune system so badly. This is not normal. He is actively choosing not to seek balance in his life, and my life is all about finding balance. Sitting out on the terrace last night, surrounded by my garden, I realized that I've put a lot of work into making this little outdoor sanctuary for myself. I've tried to create an environment that I find relaxing. Yesterday I wrote, but then I stopped and went for a drink with my friend, and then to dance class. I love all the women in my dance company, and I thought how lucky I was to have such a diverse group of friends and to participate in such a diverse group of activities. That is something that was never going to happen with my ex. I don't really have any choice but to get over him. I'm just sick of crying about him. My self-esteem started to erode pretty early on in our relationship because it was always blatantly obvious that I would always come second to the bass. And he was always going to be selfish. For some reason I feel better today. Is it really possible to have literally gotten perspective on this overnight?
tinke Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 When the brain has had enough...it's enough! Glad to hear today is a good one, they will continue to add up if you allow it. Seems the set-backs get less frequent and less intense with time. Reading your post, he didn't share YOUR joy of dance with you? How is that a partnership if every activity was based on his liking? It happened because his self-centeredness was allowed. I have to believe your view of things will change (as mine with my own), once you allow yourself to unburden these thoughts, free yourself. There are many wonderful relationships to be enjoyed. Not all a love interest, but as you said, finding a balance and just feeling able to ENJOY once again is a blessing. It's hard to be see the inept side at times, but he surely appears very selfish. We get comfortable in situations, not always healthy ones, doesn't mean it is a wise choice.
Author sedgwick Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 It's so weird, I woke up this morning feeling about 50% over him. When it was good, it was great. We had a tremendous amount in common. But there were things we didn't have in common, too. I was on the phone with my best friend/ex-husband last night (yes, my ex-hubby is my best friend, was before we got married and remains so after, and we've talked every day for 14 years.) Of all the people I've ever met in my life, he's the one with whom I have the most in common. He's also the one person I totally and completely trust. Anyway, we were talking about books, like we do most of the time. I'm on a big Faulkner kick lately, and we got into yet another long discussion about his work. And I realized the thing I love the most about him is that he knows how to converse on a wide variety of topics and he's really informed about all of them. After all these years, we can sit up talking all night long and not get bored with each other. The moral of this story is that Joe couldn't do that. He could talk about music and only music, and really only this one very specific genre of music. Occasionally he'd read a book and talk to me about it, but if I gave him a book and asked him to read it, he never did. He didn't know anything about film, either. I gave him a film education, and he was interested in what I showed him, but he wouldn't have gone out and seen a film on his own or invited me to a movie. If we went out, it was to one of his gigs or to a gathering with his musician friends, and everybody would end up playing music. Wherever we went, whatever we did, it was music-centered. Always, every single time, unless it was one of the rare occasions when he came to see me dance. For as long as I was with him it was always going to be about music, and whenever I saw him it was going to be between tours and he was going to be exhausted. He never showed up rested and relaxed and healthy. Half the time he couldn't see me when he *was* in town because he was sick, having weakened his immune system so badly. This is not normal. He is actively choosing not to seek balance in his life, and my life is all about finding balance. Sitting out on the terrace last night, surrounded by my garden, I realized that I've put a lot of work into making this little outdoor sanctuary for myself. I've tried to create an environment that I find relaxing. Yesterday I wrote, but then I stopped and went for a drink with my friend, and then to dance class. I love all the women in my dance company, and I thought how lucky I was to have such a diverse group of friends and to participate in such a diverse group of activities. That is something that was never going to happen with my ex. I don't really have any choice but to get over him. I'm just sick of crying about him. My self-esteem started to erode pretty early on in our relationship because it was always blatantly obvious that I would always come second to the bass. And he was always going to be selfish. For some reason I feel better today. Is it really possible to have literally gotten perspective on this overnight?
Nevermind Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 It didn't just happen overnight. You had a one year journey, and you're still not finished. When you stood up for yourself during his call, was one big step. I am glad it's a good day. Allow it! Be happy! Be marvellous!
Ariadne Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 Hey Sedg, Him coming around (apparently) can be a very scary thing. You haven't been with him yet, is just the thought. And you are having the same reactions that he did when he thought you'd be the last woman he'd ever be with. He thought, but, she doesn't play music, this can't be right. The same thing you are saying now, oh, he doesn't care about books/writing. I think that if you ever see him again and get to be together with him, your doubts (and these feelings) are going to go away. Take care.
Author sedgwick Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 Damn, you guys, sorry for the double and triple posts!! I'm having trouble with my wireless and I'm not sure what exactly is going on...
Kamille Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 For some reason I feel better today. Is it really possible to have literally gotten perspective on this overnight? Yes it's normal. It will still be a roller coaster ride but from where I sit, it's pretty clear you've reached the turning point. What you are feeling is likely a feeling of emancipation. You are freeing yourself from heavy shackles. This is not normal. He is actively choosing not to seek balance in his life, and my life is all about finding balance. Sitting out on the terrace last night, surrounded by my garden, I realized that I've put a lot of work into making this little outdoor sanctuary for myself. I've tried to create an environment that I find relaxing. Yesterday I wrote, but then I stopped and went for a drink with my friend, and then to dance class. I love all the women in my dance company, and I thought how lucky I was to have such a diverse group of friends and to participate in such a diverse group of activities. That is something that was never going to happen with my ex. Your life, your beauty, your passions, your quest for balance is meant to be shared Sedgwick - and you are offering it to your friends and the people who love YOU - you, for who you are. I really believe Joe stiffled you and because he left you were left feeling like somehow he was right for doing it. But he wasn't, he so clearly wasn't. You are such a strong woman. You'll get through this and be the better for it because you will have learned one thing: how to love yourself.
Author sedgwick Posted July 26, 2008 Author Posted July 26, 2008 Is it totally mean and self-centered of me to think about how he may find his non-body-hair-shaving fiddle player, but she'll have to deal with the fact that his ex is a published author, tattooed bellydancer, and documentary filmmaker who knitted him awesome things? I'm always intimidated by people's exes. I want his fiddle player to be intimidated by me. I've decided I'm going to walk around like a confident person instead of someone who got dumped. Fake it 'til you make it, right? Why not? I have an awesome life. I might as well try to meet other people with awesome lives.
northstar1 Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 Is it totally mean and self-centered of me to think about how he may find his non-body-hair-shaving fiddle player, but she'll have to deal with the fact that his ex is a published author, tattooed bellydancer, and documentary filmmaker who knitted him awesome things? I'm always intimidated by people's exes. I want his fiddle player to be intimidated by me. I've decided I'm going to walk around like a confident person instead of someone who got dumped. Fake it 'til you make it, right? Why not? I have an awesome life. I might as well try to meet other people with awesome lives. Yes, that's the spirit!
Lishy Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 Is it totally mean and self-centered of me to think about how he may find his non-body-hair-shaving fiddle player, but she'll have to deal with the fact that his ex is a published author, tattooed bellydancer, and documentary filmmaker who knitted him awesome things? I'm always intimidated by people's exes. I want his fiddle player to be intimidated by me. I've decided I'm going to walk around like a confident person instead of someone who got dumped. Fake it 'til you make it, right? Why not? I have an awesome life. I might as well try to meet other people with awesome lives. OMGGGGGGG The above is what I have wanted to hear from you for the longest time Sedge!!!!!!!!!!! About bleedin' time lol
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