9 months since d-day update!

[Blindsidedagainalive]

By the way.

Some people are hitting me hard on this forum.

I did not do the cheating.

I am aware that people lie about affairs.

No doubt she has lied!!

 

I am simply trying to put together the truth or the closest I can get.

I only have her to ask, I am not going to call him!

 

This was the most difficult thing I have ever been through.

I have been sick (doctors thought I had pancreatic cancer).

She has been sick.

She quit her job.

Both on meds and depressed.

Can't pay my bills.

Aquired a whole new set of medical bills.

Can't sell my house in this market.

My company is laying off.

So I really feel stuck.

 

I am looking for a little support only.

[Kamikaze]

Please don't take this the wrong way, but you need to accept the fact your wife is a whore and a bad person.

 

Hey, you can say a lot of things - but, name calling is NOT one of them. People are hurting. No need to call names.

 

Kami

[stampdaddy]

I hear you and hope I havent upset you.. There are time when we "try" to help a Poster like yourself with "toughlove" and there are times it can become too much, so again, I apologize if that is the case. PLEASE realize that most of us here sincerely want to help you get through all of this. It is not easy no matter what side of the "triangle" you are on...

[Darth Vader]

Blind, apparently your wife is just sweeping her behavior under the rug, blaming you(when it's not your fault), and you're letting her, no consequences for her actions, no motivation for change! She's doing "Damage Control"! She doesn't want to accept resposibility for her actions! Contact a Lawyer and get your butt covered! Once you file for the Divorce her tune will change! If not, oh well, trade her in for 2 - 20 year olds who are thinner!

[Mr. Lucky]

She is weak, non communicative, bitter, no social skills, no desire to improved herself, no hobbies, no friendss, a liar, a cheater, and now very selfish. However, she is a good person deep down.

Blindsided, I hope you see the contradiction in what you wrote. Bottom line, it's impossible to have a successful marriage with someone you don't trust, respect, love or even like very much. Nothing else matters if that's really the way you feel. Time to act accordingly...

 

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lookingforward]

.

She also claims that it wasn't about the sex, it was about validation and raising her self esteem.

 

ummm forgive me if I'm missing something, but what part of giving it up in a public park either validates your worth or raises your self esteem ? Hell, at least if she was a whore she would have been paid for it..........

[Lookingforward]

Well that may be true for you.

 

The fact is that we are always with each other.

The only time we weren't was during my weekly 1 hour meeting.

That is when she met him.

For 1 hour in the park.

Otherwise, we are always together.

Also, she was never missing otherwise, no gym, no family visits.

Dinner together every night etc.

It is possible that they took vacation days together, but I checked her paystubs for that year and she had no days off without me.

Actually I was shocked.

Why wouldn't you take days off with someone during an affair.

Even if it was just to have a nice day together!

So, I am sure there are things that I don't know, but I don't see it.

 

yes, but you are trying to explain away what was a once a week sex romp as an "emotional connection" that obviously from your timelines can't have existed.......... why ?

[Lucky_One]

What do you mean that I could have given her?

I have been faithful to her, even since the affair!

I assumed 'at that time' that she got it from him! Believe me...it was utterly painful to think that. Anyway, she had precancerous cells and I asked my sister to go with her so she had someone to support her.

 

 

Cervical cancer (so was it precancerous or cancer? make up your mind) is caused by HPV. HPV can be dormant in your system for decades before it activates, and there is no way of telling where it came from. CDC estimates that over 75% of all women have been exposed to it. Men have no symptoms, and pass it to new partners after they have been exposed.

 

So yep - you could have given it to her. Unless you were a virgin when you met her and have never slept with another woman in your entire life.

[theobserver]

OP I hope you see the light one day. Your attempts to brush this all aside and try to deeply understand why she did this.

The fact is her reasons are the biggest pile of BS I've ever heard I can't believe how gullable you are it truely saddens me how you're reading all these books, checking all these websites all while she's making little no effort to earn back your trust and has a list if dislikes she has for you.

 

I don't even think she has any love for you my friend. Are you loaded, Big House does the dual income you both bring in give you a good lifestyle who knows.

 

Read stories around here from people who have been cheated on or are cheating. Generally they are 1 time mistakes or long term affairs based on something missing in the relationship lack of sex, stress etc etc the other person makes them feel good.

 

Now I don't know what the hell was in your wifes head but going out every night to have a shag in the park not once not twice but every day of the week for as long as she did is down right sad. You mentioned all these things about the other man how he's old probably has a small willy and couldn't possibly last long. Well let me tell you this... It was more then enough for her . She was always going back for more which makes me think what kind of a naive walkover or horrible man you are to make her do this with little to no remorse.

 

Now unless she's a nympho your girls a lady of the night literally. I don't know how you can look her in the face. Start those divorce papers if you're married if not kick her out or move out yourself this relationship is done.

 

Just like to add something you said.

 

"She is weak, non communicative, bitter, no social skills, no desire to improved herself, no hobbies, no friendss, a liar, a cheater, and now very selfish"

 

minus the cheating the moment you knew she was these things especially when you realised you were her hobby and main focus you should of known once you could no longer take being that focus she would find it elsewhere. We all know women like this who must make her man the object of her purpose in life you knew this you couldn't keep it up and this is the result you don't need a woman who can't love or respect herself.

 

Good Luck whatever you do.

[Blindsidedagainalive]

OP

 

Now I don't know what the hell was in your wifes head but going out every night to have a shag in the park not once not twice but every day of the week for as long as she did is down right sad.

 

Re-read - I said once a week in the park, realizing that it's still sad.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Quick question why the hell are you still with her if she isnt gonna respect you or the marriage?

 

I mean really why are you still married to this woman. If you cant afford the divorce I think you should start seperating bills and file for a legal seperation. Let her take care of herself. Why let her dead weight drag you down?

 

where's your self respect?

[Owl]

OK...here's the thing. If you want to rebuild your marriage...go for it. Lots of us here have done so under similar conditions. It isn't easy...in fact, its darn tough...but it can be done in a lot of situations.

 

If you want to divorce her...that's an option too.

 

A lot of this depends on whether or not you believe she will change.

 

You don't seem to give much indication in your posts that you believe that she regrets what happened, or that she's willing to change anything or take responsibility for her actions.

 

Bottom line...decide what you want first and foremost. Reconiliation or divorce. And then we can help you come up with a game plan for either choice you make.

 

But all of this is moot if you don't feel that she's willing to do her part in this.

 

Last thought...don't ever walk out on mc, regardless of how your wife acts. Let the counselor SEE what's going on by observing the two of you interact...the counselor can usually see through the lies. Walking out...didn't do anything to solve your problem. If you can't communicate, there's no way you'll fix the issues.

[stampdaddy]

I only have her to ask, I am not going to call him!

 

This intrigues me.. IF you know the truth would be told by calling him, why would you not? I am sincerely curious

[whichwayisup]

She is totally in affairyland and still in denial to a point. She is gaslighting you, she knows what this is doing to you yet she STILL isn't coming clean. Until she feels consquences that affect her, meaning YOU get her out of the house, start talking to lawyer, maybe then she'll "see" that a divorce is pending, she'll realize what she's about to lose and change her behaviour.

 

It takes TWO to fix the marriage and if she isn't willing to do everything possible to make it right again, then yes, your marriage won't work in the long run. SHE has to seek individual counselling as well as do marriage counselling with you, and she has to stop running away everytime she hears something she doesn't like.

[Blindsidedagainalive]

Wow- Let me first say that if I didn't love her I would be gone already.

 

Some more about her.

She always revered me, she thinks I am intelligent, handsome, witty. I know that she has felt inferior. She came from a very disfunctional family and her house was actually condemned. This was not typical in the neighborhood we grew up. She is average looking with average intelligence and sort of quiet. She does have some superior qualities however. She is cute and funny at times. She has never asked for much and is not superficial. All of my family and friends like her a lot. She packs my lunch, cooks big meals daily and does her share of the chores. She enjoys lifes simple pleasures and likes reading and gardening. She is not high maintenence, and up until the affair....would do most anything for me. She has always looked out for others before herself. In fact she just can't say no (hold the jokes). This is actually a problem because I have to tell her that she does too much. I have lost my license for 10 years (2.5 to go) due to a 3rd dui (sober 8 years now), and she provides me with daily transportation to and from work, as well as the shopping etc.

Furthermore, she has sacrificed having a baby because of this situation. Last year in March 07, she turned 39 with no baby....trouble lurking.

 

Pay attention---Now additional circumstances prior to affair.

The affair went from May 07 (sex started july 07) thru Oct 07.

 

Her father had a stroke and was put in a home. (Jan 07)

Her family was fighting a great deal over this. (Jan 07 to present)

Her brother is an alcholic and would not leave the fathers house which needed to be sold for his care (Mar 07).

Her brother almost died from alcholism and has been in the hospital for the past year.

Her sister (whom she can't get along with) was mismanaging the estate (Jan to Sept 07)

My aunt died in May 07 with a complicated estate (she had no children).

My father moved in my house the previous year and it was driving us crazy. He is very passive agressive and would make our lives miserable.

I finally asked him to move in Sept 07.

My job was going absolutely insane from Mar 07 to Jul 07

I became depressed in April 07 and sought psychiatric care for the first time in my life.

During my depression, I was not speaking to her a lot and did not support her issues. I was speaking to my friends a lot for support so I would not upset her.

It may seem irrelevant here, but our dog got very sick in April 07 as well.

She is our baby, so that wasn't cool either.

 

So, as all of this was going on, I was ignoring her due to my depression.

Plus.....most importantly...her clock was ticking big time.

Along comes a coworker who was in the process of a divorce. His wife was depressed. He was 15 years older, and not a looker, so she felt safe. He tried cheering her up because she was down. Eventually he gave her his phone number. That is were the major boundry was broken. They began talking on the phone talking about bull****. She told me that it allowed her a 1/2 hour escape of all of the problems. He was unhappy in his marriage and asked her if she was happy. She would vent to him and he would criticize me by saying 'he doesn't care about your feelings'. He began casually praising her. Then the compliments started. Then they began to meet for walks.....the rest is history.

She said that upon each broken boundry, she thought she hadn't gone to far, so was able to justify it. By the time they became intimate, an emotionaly bond had developed and was now reevaluating her life thru a distorted viewpoint.

 

I cannot justify her affair....I only try to make some sense of it.

I only do this because I know her, know how much she loves me, and how extremely out of character this is.. I have never once seen her flirt with another man in 22 years. When she sees a movie star on TV, she will say, you are more handome than him.

So she could be just a tramp or could this me 'temporary insanity due to too much crap'.

[jon01]

I feel your pain and confusion in all this man. It's for sure you love and care for this woman very much. I hope things work and you guys can somehow work through this. Yeah, divorce isn't always the answer if going through it will kill your happiness and make you suffer so much. See what happens, and pray to your god.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

I feel for you and I don't.

 

I feel for you because it is apparent that you are as your handle "Blind." I don't know if you really are feeling what you are feeling or if you are just seeking sympathy. If your health is at risk because of your wife and she isn't doing what is needed to work on the marriage, you need to let her go. Have some dignity and respect for yourself. It is admirable that you have stayed this long, no one will take that from you, but to stay any further is foolish and I hope you find the strength to move on or she and you find a way to REALLY work on your marriage.

 

I don't feel for you because you are fighting for someone who is obviously not good for you. Not because she is an adulteress, but because she has obviously checked out of the marriage. And since counseling is not working out, you need to seriously start working on divorce. Now if you continue to stay, I can't sympathize with you. I can feel for someone who got caught in a bear trap and are seeking a way out. I don't feel for someone who chooses to stay there.

 

 

DNR

[Blindsidedagainalive]

Can't sleep!

[imagine]

I am normally pro-marriage in most of my posts. This one sounds like a no-brainer.

 

Your wife was zapped by a player. He pushed her buttons by using that which was helpful in her character to achieve his goals. She is naive and was duped.

 

Nevertheless, I am sure that your wife knew that she had cross a line,otherwise she would not have gone on her own to meet him at the park. This was absolutely wrong. That which happened subsequently, is incidental.

 

The fact is that she goofed and I am sure still emotionally attached to the slimeball.

 

Now, you could kick her to the kerb - but I think this would be a bad mistake. You said that she was a low maintenance woman and I have interpreted this ( rightly or wrongly) that she did not or was unable to articulate her emotional needs. This condition would make her susceptible to a players flattery.

 

I will now recommend to you, as I have to umpteen other posters, "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs/Her Needs" both written by Dr Harley.

 

Yes! Read them!

 

I suggest that you had composed a thoughtful evaluation of your wife character. I propose that you tell her how valuable she is. I also propose that you tell her that you are not going to leave her in her hour of need. Furthermore, you will do whatever is necessary to restore your marriage.

[cyabye]

Please don't take this the wrong way, but you need to accept the fact your wife is a bad person.

 

AGREED. No doubt about it.

 

cyabye

[cyabye]

She is weak, non communicative, bitter, no social skills, no desire to improved herself, no hobbies, no friendss, a liar, a cheater, and now very selfish. However, she is a good person deep down

 

LMAO. A good person? Where? Dude, you have your answer in that statement. Now leave her and get healthy. No person like that is worth your health.

 

cyabye

[soda]

I cannot justify her affair....I only try to make some sense of it.

.

 

Here's what I see. You're married to a selfish woman who made a selfish, damaging decision and got herself addicted to what she was doing. The addiction is not just emotional...there is a chemical reaction in the brain that makes her want to feed this addiction over and over again...regardless of what impact it would have on your marriage.

 

It sounds like she's still in this fog and needs a dose of reality to bring her out of it. What you mentioned about your MC sessions sounds exactly like what I experienced in MC sessions with my wife.

 

I was stunned by the crap that my W would shovel up in MC to deflect the discussion away from the real issue that caused our marital rift...her EA.

 

You shouldn't have to be the one to do all the work, all the worrying, and all the fixing. Who had the affair?

[Chinook]

This thread has me stunned. Having read the last long post from Blindsidedagainalive, I can understand why he wants to see how his W was able to do this. Where did she manage in her own psyche to cross that line...? The fact is, it doesn't matter, she did it. A line has been crossed. You don't need to understand that fact. What you need to learn and understand about yourself is whether you can live with it and give her another chance. Now, it sounds to me like she doesn't much want another chance and she's making you do all the work and decision-making. How do I know...? It happened to me. My ex partner played passive aggressive all along until in the end I literally had nothing from him to work with, I had no choice but to walk away. It made me responsible for ending the relationship and allowed him to play the dumped injured soldier.... even though he'd been cheating for our whole relationship. I think you have to decide simply what it is that you want.

[Blindsidedagainalive]

I spoke to the OM's ex wife several weeks ago.

They got divorced in November 07, 1 month after me learning about the affair.

The other BS told me that her husband 'the OM' confessed that he got a coworker pregnant in April 07.

She said that she kicked him out for 2 months.

My WS claimed that is wasn't her because she began speaking to him a month later.

She swears that she was never pregnant.

She claims that either he lied to his wife, or he was involved with another coworker. How can I tell if she is lying to me?

 

How many married 53 year old men, with a good job, would get a married subordinate pregnant, then start another affair 1 month later?

It sounds so fishy to me.

 

Not because I expect him to be moral, but just for self-preservation.

If he got a subordinate pregnant (who was married with 2 kids), wouldn't he be a bit nervous that work would find out? and then start a new affair 1 month later.....?

[Owl]

Go back and check your wife's credit card records from that time frame...look for a doctor's visit. Review your HMO or health insurance invoices from that time as well.

 

If she was pregnant, something happened. She would have had to have gotten some kind of confirmation, and/or done something about it or would have visited the doctor if she lost it.

 

Ask OMW to do the same thing, in case HE paid for the visit in some fashion...