cazu Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 My SO and I (of one year, on and off) broke up a few weeks ago. It was generally agreed that we wanted "different things" out of our relationship. She wanted to look toward having children, for example, and I wasn't so sure. I believe that I have a general fear of commitment because I have a self-perception of being this wild, independent thing. We are on NC so I have had a lot of time to think. I miss her terribly. She was good to me and we were best friends. As time passes I'm able to think more clearly and with less hysteria. I'm starting to wonder if my "fear" of children and commitment is just a self-imposed accessory to my perceived independence. I love children (I'm a teacher) and am starting to believe that all the so-called independent things I do (travel, etc) are just not so much fun if you don't have someone special to share them with. I was a tough nut to crack during this relationship and I believe that was frustrating to her. I ended an engagement and began dating her immediately. I did not allow myself time to mourn the end of that relationship and I believe I was battling guilt for a long time, as this man loved me very much and treated me well. I think this guilt caused me to keep my new relationship at "arms length." We are also both women. This was the first same-sex relationship for me and it has taken some time for me to determine my comfort level, as well as the implications for my family, work, future life, etc. Obviously I had a lot I was working through during the time we were together. I didn't want to hurt her so I kept it all inside. (mistake) Understandably she was frustrated because I was not emotionally available and didn't know why. Now that we've had some time apart, I am beginning to think that I could spend my life with her and have a beautiful little family. I suspect we'd have to start fresh, and I'll have to explain to her why I wasn't fully "in it" before. Perhaps some couples counseling would be beneficial. I am going on vacation for a few weeks and plan to use the time and distance to reflect further. Upon my return, should I approach her with this? Is there a chance we could work it out? Has this happened to anyone before--not sure of commitment, think about it a lot, and decide you're ready? I'm trying really hard to make this decision rationally and not because I'm lonely and miss her. LS has been really helpful to me, although I've never posted. No contact is hard but it's the best thing to do, especially when you need to really think.
Ronni_W Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 I'm starting to wonder if my "fear" of children and commitment is just a self-imposed accessory to my perceived independence. If that is what you're starting to hear your 'Inner Voice' tell you, then it is likely a wise decision to explore it further. I would suggest with the ultimate goal of replacing that set of beliefs with something that is more supportive of your current-day goals and understanding of Life. You are fully worthy of, and do deserve to be happy and successful; and you have the authority to define for yourself what happiness and success means to you. And the best part is that you can change your mind today, about what you decided yesterday . Best of luck.
Author cazu Posted July 24, 2008 Author Posted July 24, 2008 Thanks Ronnie. I hope she hasn't moved on by the time I'm ready to present this information to her. I guess that's the chance that I have to take to be sure that I'm not simply reacting to the loss. I am beginning to see things more clearly now that I'm not crying all day long every day! I just hope that she trusts that what I'm saying is from the heart and not a half-baked plan to "get her back."
Author cazu Posted July 24, 2008 Author Posted July 24, 2008 By the way, we're both in our early 30s, professionals, and would make good parents (especially her!) Thanks for advising me!
Ronni_W Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 I just hope that she trusts that what I'm saying is from the heart and not a half-baked plan to "get her back." Nah...if it was truly and genuinely from your heart it would be a FULL-baked plan to win her back! But I would advise against "presenting information" in favour of "opening up and sharing your feelings" <grin>. If I may, this IS a HEART matter. Be cautious of "sitting in your head" too long or too often; allow your Heart its expression, and do listen to it once in a while. It really DOES know what is your Heart's Desire...and it does know that much better than your head ever can or will. You can even just 'open a window' by revealing what you already know: that you are starting to think that maybe some of your old beliefs were leading you astray, possibly creating unnecessary fear and anxiety, perhaps are the cause of your running away from the very things you desire most. (Through self-investigation, you may even find that the old beliefs come from ideas and opinions that were never YOURS to begin with.) Certainly, if you also want to ask for time to gain more clarity and self-awareness, then do so. But you can also gain the same from within a relationship...though sometimes that is much more difficult cos the "alone time" needed for self-reflection can get misinterpreted. Wishing you (both) all the best.
Author cazu Posted July 24, 2008 Author Posted July 24, 2008 Thanks again for the thoughtful advice. I suppose being too deep into my own head has partially gotten me into this situation (what if I'm not a good parent? what if we get divorced? what will people think? will my parents love me less or differently because I'd be living my life with another woman? and so on). Sometimes I have a hard time differentiating between what my heart quietly whispers and what my head screams (go figure). I think I am beginning to hear my heart. For example, I know I do not want to date or become intimate with anyone at all under any circumstances until I sort this out. My heart's not even interested. Do you think these next couple of weeks, as well as a relaxing vacation will help to clarify?
Ronni_W Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 Do you think these next couple of weeks, as well as a relaxing vacation will help to clarify? (((hugs))) Yes, I absolutely believe that your clarity will come as soon as you ask it to show itself (which you've already done)...and as long as you keep your Heart open to 'hearing' it (which you are in process of doing more consciously and more fully)...and as long as you take the time to process what you receive (which you'll get to do on vacation.) So...YES!!! All your questions that you posed in brackets...those are the doubts that are pointing to beliefs that don't belong to you, that don't support who you TRULY are. I have a similar, very strong "rational mind" -- for me, it was more that I ignored my heart than didn't know the difference. It is a long road back, to making it okay to follow one's own heart. We are so indoctrinated to think that is "selfish" and unacceptable and a bunch of other "negative" things. It does take time, effort and deep commitment (uh-oh...there's that word!) to do the self-reflecting that is essential, and be willing to "plumb the depths" so that we can create a belief system that is based on our OWN values, needs, desires and goals. But, in my experience, all the work is SO very much worth it. You will be happy on your own terms, and successful on your own terms ~ and then will have capacity and freedom to share your joy and success with your partner, children and all others around you. Other day I heard this saying that really resonated with me: "What other people think of you is none of your business." I just LOVE it so adopted it as a new belief, and set an intention for it to be integrated into every molecule and level of my Being .
Author cazu Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 Weird but I think you may know my thoughts better than my old therapist, who I felt didn't really understand what I was saying. Thus I dropped her and have not sought out another...which I probably should. I am beginning to suspect that my ex has started dating another which throws a wrench into the situation. I don't know it for sure and perhaps it's just paranoia that goes along with NC but it's made me feel less confident. I'd be really surprised if she has unless it was something that was broiling beneath the surface all along. I was doing so well with "clarity" and now I feel like this suspicion has knocked me back a few pegs. Do I continue to explore my feelings about commitment or give up on it?
Ronni_W Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 Do I continue to explore my feelings about commitment or give up on it? Just my opinion, of course, but how I see it is that gaining clarity of your beliefs, desires and needs; and getting a grip on your fears and other things that block your happiness and success have absolutely nothing to do with anyone else. That is all for you, your future, achieving your highest vision for yourself, etc. From that perspective, your self-exploration ought not be determined by what your ex (or anyone else) is or is not doing in and about their life. If I could also suggest that you do not let your head just decide that its suspiciouns are accurate. It's fine to leave open the space for a different possibility to manifest. About all of this, though, I can't help but notice that there is some really confusing "circular thinking" that your head is doing for you -- tell it to "stop that!" But let's do give that "rational mind" a bit of a puzzle, just to keep it busy and interested: How is it reconciling that it is letting its own, self-created fiction (aka "suspiciouns") cause loss of clarity and confidence? That is, without concrete facts and logical reasoning, what is compelling it to do that to you? My personal feeling about NC (and everything else) is that if it is not working for you, change it. Make your actions, thoughts and feelings work in your favour, for whatever you feel are your best interests in the present moment. You can always go back to 'whatever', if your new strategy doesn't bring improved results. Lastly, yes it can be difficult to find a therapeutic relationship where both can relate to each other...and it is important to have such a connection with your therapist, if they are to be effective in helping you grow. I can only suggest to keep interviewing, and keep changing until YOU are 100% comfortable and sensing the potential for your own advancement.
Author cazu Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 We have decided to have a talk in a few weeks. We agreed that this no-contact thing is actually good for us right now. I truly believe it's good for me, although it's hard. Also, there is no one else. I do need to stop my circular thinking. I have a tendency to perseverate and work myself up. I want to approach this conversation calmly and lovingly. I want to be very clear about how I feel I failed the relationship, but again, I'm using my head a little too much I fear! I want her to know that I have been trying to listen to my inner heart. I'm afraid she will think I'm just lonely and want her back. It will be important to choose my words and tone wisely.
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