dead-dyke Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 What Trimmer says is true. The laws are much the same here as it is there, in the states. This is exactly what I'm finishing school for. The closing costs are going to be much smaller than a commission being paid. Although, the resentment probably stings just the same. You look like your on the high road to a better life. You should be proud of yourself.
Author PWSX3 Posted January 10, 2009 Author Posted January 10, 2009 If so, is your sticking point mostly an emotional one? She committed to splitting everything and now it feels like she's going back on that... Or is it truly a financial hardship, as in, if you can't reduce the closing costs, you can't make the deal work... Thank you for sharing this because it helped me do some honest thinking. It will be a financial hardship for me if she doesn't split the closing costs as we had planned, but if we sell we both will lose at least $5,000.00 because of the market & because of Realtor costs. When I first was thinking of this my thoughts were; if she doesn't want to help then I'm going to take her down with me, she can be responsible for half of what we lose...Then for some reason something hit me. When we used to play cards with my folks & she knew she wasn't going to win that hand, she would say; if I can't win then I'm going to take someone down with me..... At that point I realized I was being selfish, I was not looking at the hole picture that I needed to do some serious thinking. I also had a friend from men's group that has gone thru the same situation tell me; when you are having to deal with this negative stuff in your life, it is taking up room for good positive things, that getting this settled will help me move forward....so I sent the stbxw a emailing explaining my situation, why I felt splitting the closing costs was a fair deal & that if she doesn't feel she needs to pay half then I will pay all of it just so I can move on with my life. I want to be fair & I want to be able to be at peace with myself once it is all over......I will just have to do what it takes to make it work. Whether I live her or an appartment my payments are close so if I can't make it here I won't be able to make it someplace else. It all comes down to; she doesn't love me anymore & I need to get the negative out of my life & fill it with positive and once the house is settled I will be able to do that. We are on this earth to love & be loved and when you know someone doesn't love you then there is no reason to have them in your life anymore.......
Author PWSX3 Posted January 11, 2009 Author Posted January 11, 2009 Awesome day!!!!! Went for my first bike ride of 2009, when we started the temp was only 25 degrees but it turned out being a great day...... It was SOOOOOO GOOOOOOOD to see my bike friends again, it is so good to know people do care & love you for who you are....... My a$$ might not like me tomorrow but we are planning on riding again tomorrow....That just might be what I needed to kick start myself this year, I have been having trouble with exercise. My motto (if that is what you call it) for 2009 is a year of personal growth for me...I am so looking forward to all the things I have started & things I have planned for this year..
dgiirl Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 Perry, I'm glad you keep bouncing back with a positive attitude As for the house, sorry to hear the stress you are going through, but your friend is right, the sooner it's over the better for you. That's not to say not stick up for yourself and get what you NEED, but at the same time I dont think the stress and risk to your health is worth squabbling over a couple of thousand of dollars in the big scheme of things. I would also ask yourself why you really want the house? How long have you guys lived in that house together? Are you comfortable living there on your own or will it just be reminders of the past? Can you really afford the house? Rent is very often cheaper as utilities are often included, insurance is cheaper, you wont have a mortgage and you dont have to pay property taxes. Sure it will be smaller, but it will also be your very own place! Plus you seem to be having a very active social life which means you are probably rarely home? Do you really need that big of a place? I'm very thankful I sold my house. It gave me the freedom to move and a place all of my own with my own memories Plus I hate doing all the chores of mowing/shoveling/landscaping and also cleaning all that space inside. Just food for thought
Author PWSX3 Posted January 11, 2009 Author Posted January 11, 2009 I would also ask yourself why you really want the house? How long have you guys lived in that house together? Are you comfortable living there on your own or will it just be reminders of the past? Can you really afford the house? Rent is very often cheaper as utilities are often included, insurance is cheaper, you wont have a mortgage and you dont have to pay property taxes. Sure it will be smaller, but it will also be your very own place! Plus you seem to be having a very active social life which means you are probably rarely home? Do you really need that big of a place? I'm very thankful I sold my house. It gave me the freedom to move and a place all of my own with my own memories Plus I hate doing all the chores of mowing/shoveling/landscaping and also cleaning all that space inside. Just food for thought The market is not good here, I have lots of friends from DC class that haven't been able to sell and some have dropped there price and still can't sell. I have looked into rent & it is about $100.00 less then what my payments will be (including taxes, insurance, etc), plus I have LOTS of stuff so I would need to rent a storage unit to store my stuff if I got an apartment so that would put it about the same. I am on budget billing so I know what my utilities will be for all year, I do plan on calling & see if they can re-adjust my bill since I don't use near the utilities we did when there were three of us here. I do like the location my place is at, it is in a quite neighborhood, close to stores but far enough out of town I don't feel crowded. Close to my biking friends & we usually leave from there house & ride in this area. I have lived here since 1982 so it has been a long time. Once we settle things I do plan on repainting the kitchen cabinets, & doing a quick paint job in the living room. Before she moved out we had painted one wall in the living room the way I wanted so I feel this is my home, I don't mind being here & I really don't have that many memories that I feel will hinder in my healing. Any of the upgrades that have been made such as windows & a 10x16 shed me & my dad did & the stbxw didn't help much so that just makes it more my place then hers. It is also our son's home & even though he is a senior I want to keep it for at least a couple of years until he is on his own. I know it doesn't mean much but I think he appreciates that. It would cost a lot more to sell then for me to stay so I am happy with staying here, it will be "my" place once the paperwork is finished.
Trimmer Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 I would also ask yourself why you really want the house? How long have you guys lived in that house together? Are you comfortable living there on your own or will it just be reminders of the past? It is also our son's home & even though he is a senior I want to keep it for at least a couple of years until he is on his own. I know it doesn't mean much but I think he appreciates that. Speaking to the "reminders of the past" issue, I can very much appreciate the desire to rid yourself of all those reminders. I think I would likely have done the same and tried to strip away everything and get a fresh new start. However, one of the things that factors strongly in is having children together. In order to be a decent parent, you really can't afford to strip away everything that reminds you of the past, because like it or not, you are still a family, your kids will forever be the biggest reminder of that past, and it would be brutally mean to try to strip all of the familial past away from them. You've got a little different texture on getting rid of all the reminders - you just can't do it. So in a way, sorting out what to do with "the past" becomes a multi-pronged task. First, there are certainly personal, spousal reminders you want to get rid of, and get away from, but then there are certain family types of things that you want to preserve for your kids to have a sense of the family they are still a part of. Then this leads to this kind of a middle ground where with some things you say, well that's going to still be a part of my life, so I'm going to reclaim it, and make it mine. Even that process of reclamation can become a part of your rediscovery of yourself as an individual - I think I hear some pride in PWS's comments about some of the work he and his dad did on the house; that can become a catalyst for strength. So I think that's where a house can fit in. Yes, it's a reminder of the past, but it's also a home for the family that was, and the family that still is. And so it's an additional bit of work, and if you didn't have kids, you might very well want to spend that energy recovering in a different way, but I can see how it's worth the effort to reclaim that space, that home, especially where it may provide some comfort and continuity for the kid(s). I think you all know me well enough to know that I'm not saying "nanny nanny, you can't understand because you don't have kids..." I'm not saying that this makes it harder or easier - just that it adds another texture to recovery, a dimension that certainly brings its burdens, but it also brings gifts as well.
Author PWSX3 Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 Got a good start to the weekend, went for a 36 miles bicycle ride today, then a co-worker came up & went to church with me (I go to the Sat. evening service, not so crowded) then we went out to dinner (today is her Birthday) then we were going to meet a group from DC class at the movies but didn't get finished eating in time & traffic sucked, so we just ended up going to one on our own. We were in a different town (15 miles away) and couldn't get back over in time even with how crazy I drive. Watched the movie & had a great time, came home told her good-bye and now it's time to rest for tomorrow. Tomorrow will start off with a 45 mile bicycle ride with my club and then when we get back we set around & eat & drink. What could be better then enjoying the outdoors with friends & then hanging around the table eating & drinking with friends. Can't beat 50-60 degree weather for Colorado in the winter...... I do have to say; things are getting easier. I just don't know why I couldn't listen to Ilmw, Dggirl, Gunny, and all the others that told me, trust me it will get better. I do have to share with everyone, I have been on the fence all this time, but once I signed that waver that said the stbxw was filing it got me off the fence. I can't make someone love me & to me that just showed me she didn't love me, and doesn't want to work on the marriage. I do not look forward to the dating crap down the road so for now I'm just hanging out with friends, meeting new friends, & "I" AM going to enjoy life.
Gunny376 Posted January 18, 2009 Posted January 18, 2009 Got a good start to the weekend, went for a 36 miles bicycle ride today, then a co-worker came up & went to church with me (I go to the Sat. evening service, not so crowded) then we went out to dinner (today is her Birthday) then we were going to meet a group from DC class at the movies but didn't get finished eating in time & traffic sucked, so we just ended up going to one on our own. We were in a different town (15 miles away) and couldn't get back over in time even with how crazy I drive. Watched the movie & had a great time, came home told her good-bye and now it's time to rest for tomorrow. Tomorrow will start off with a 45 mile bicycle ride with my club and then when we get back we set around & eat & drink. What could be better then enjoying the outdoors with friends & then hanging around the table eating & drinking with friends. Can't beat 50-60 degree weather for Colorado in the winter...... I do have to say; things are getting easier. I just don't know why I couldn't listen to Ilmw, Dggirl, Gunny, and all the others that told me, trust me it will get better. I do have to share with everyone, I have been on the fence all this time, but once I signed that waver that said the stbxw was filing it got me off the fence. I can't make someone love me & to me that just showed me she didn't love me, and doesn't want to work on the marriage. I do not look forward to the dating crap down the road so for now I'm just hanging out with friends, meeting new friends, & "I" AM going to enjoy life. What it your major malfuntion RECURIT! WHAT IS YOU PROBLEM! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? DON'T YOU COMPREHEND? DOESN'T YOUR FREAKING BRAIN-HOUSING GROUP FREAKING COMPUTE? HELLO "KNOT-HEAD" IS ANYONE FREAKING HOME! (While pounding on my "Chrome-dome ~ making me feel like the "Nutty-Professor) You're right you need to give yourself a good two years after the ink is dried on the divorce papers before you EVEN think about getting with someone else! Meanwhile? Nothing but identifying your weakness and seeking self improvement! Your on the right path, and doing the righteous things that you should be doing! Guns
Author PWSX3 Posted January 18, 2009 Author Posted January 18, 2009 You're right you need to give yourself a good two years after the ink is dried on the divorce papers before you EVEN think about getting with someone else! Meanwhile? Nothing but identifying your weakness and seeking self improvement! Your on the right path, and doing the righteous things that you should be doing! Guns You are so right Gunny, I look at it this way, the first year you are just trying to figure out what the heck happened & what "you" really want in life, then the next year is practicing or following that new dream, then the third year you will be able to stand up to those new red flags you have learned to watch for..... That doesn't mean we can't have fun while we are on this journey...
dgiirl Posted January 19, 2009 Posted January 19, 2009 Speaking to the "reminders of the past" issue, I can very much appreciate the desire to rid yourself of all those reminders. I think I would likely have done the same and tried to strip away everything and get a fresh new start. I respect that. Sometimes, I do fail to see the children aspect when giving advice. I just wanted to make sure PW's reason for keeping the house was for valid reasons instead of an attempt to hold onto the past. Some people are very quick to break all ties to their past. Others hold on to everything in a desperate attempt to stay in the past. You definitely need to question your actions and make sure there is a good balance between the two. Also, I was under the impression his son lives away during school. So I question the financial reasons to owning a home over renting for just one person. A home is a big place for just one. I lived in my house for over a year by myself. I found it very big and very lonely. I was out in suburbia and I was constantly reminded of all the families out there and I didnt find it very easy to meet single people. Moving to an apartment, and back to my home town, helped me move on.
Author PWSX3 Posted January 19, 2009 Author Posted January 19, 2009 Maybe I should clarify when I talk about my house it is really a 1,000 sq. foot duplex so it is like an apartment or the size of an apartment so it is easier to keep clean then a house. That is why I feel it is just as good to keep this place as getting something else. We still haven't settled so I called her today and she said; we (her & her lawyer) would have something figured out by Tuesday so I will have to see what they come up with, I have a feeling she is up to no good again...... I'll just be glad when it is over now, she has shown me she does not want to work on the marriage....
Author PWSX3 Posted January 24, 2009 Author Posted January 24, 2009 I just want to say thank you to Gunny, Ilmw, Dgiirl, a4a, and others that have helped me from the beginning...... I guess a4a would be at the top of the list since she was the one that told it to me straight, said things I didn't want to hear but I really needed to hear. Anyway when you first are going thru this just like everyone else you can't see any hope, you don't see any future without your spouse, but it does get easier. At first you feel like your life is all over, there is nothing else to live for since you your spouse was such a great big part in your life, but that isn't true..... The truth is; sometimes we expect our spouses to make us happy, we expect them to be there for everything & that is wrong. We need to be happy on our own, be able to do anything and everything on our own and then when your spouse helps you out it is because they love you....... Keeping busy has really helped, but the most important thing for me has been wanting to change, looking at ways to change. The hard part now is putting all that reading, classes, etc into practice & for me that is when the hard work begins......I understand my part of the marriage & I have excepted that, but I won't except the divorce, that is just one person taking the easy way out if you ask me. Today I am joining a group from the church to go snow shoeing. Don't know anyone that is going so I'm doing things outside my box & so far doing that has been all good. Going to classes that you don't know anyone or just hanging out with new friends are all ways of personal growth. Yes I still believe our marriage of 27 years could have been saved but it takes two & when the other person doesn't want to work on it there isn't much you can do except move on. I do know I don't want anyone in my life that doesn't love me. Yes I will always have memories of our marriage & I plan on keeping pictures of the stbxw around (in photo albums) because she was & always will be part of my life, but I also need to move on with a new life. Again thanks everyone for the support, for listening to me babble at the beginning, and just letting me vent once in a while. For those that are just at the beginning it is hard to understand & there is no magic pill or formula so the best advice I guess I can give is; work on yourself and keep busy....Like they said in our Boundaries class this week, you have control of everything inside your skin (that is your boundary) & beyond that you have no control!!!!!!
Gunny376 Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 The key is working on yourself, and it should be required in HS, a book titled, Me! Five Years From Now!" Its not so much a book you read as one you write. Its asks a lot of hard questions of you, you to which you write the resonses to.
Author PWSX3 Posted January 25, 2009 Author Posted January 25, 2009 The key is working on yourself, and it should be required in HS. Gunny you are SO right. Last weekend I went to a movie with a friend & there was a young couple next to us that was all snuggled up & he was all over the gal & I just thought to myself; boy you have no freaking clue of what you are doing...... Sure we learn as we go thru life but a relationship class should be required all 4 years in HS, especially now with all the texting, voice mail, etc. You don't learn to communicate or talk to someone in person, it is sad.
skinman Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 Yes I still believe our marriage of 27 years could have been saved but it takes two & when the other person doesn't want to work on it there isn't much you can do except move on. I do know I don't want anyone in my life that doesn't love me. PWS, so glad to read that you are doing well.. You have given me hope friend that indeed there is life beyond my marriage.. and to think 27 years man that is a lifetime to some people.. I wish you the best and thank you for all your words of inspiration and advice in my thread.. I have had the tunnel vision thinking my stbxw was all that life had to offer but you and Gunny have shown me or told me there is so much more out there... Best wishes PWS and know that I am pulling for you...
TrustInYourself Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 PSW, these posts from you lately show a ton of change and I'm happy for you. You do not give up and that says a lot about you man. Take care.
Author PWSX3 Posted January 29, 2009 Author Posted January 29, 2009 PSW, these posts from you lately show a ton of change and I'm happy for you. You do not give up and that says a lot about you man. Take care. Thanks TIY, but sometimes I wonder why I keep going? Just be that ********* and if people don't like it then to bad, but then I remember I don't want to be that old person & it keeps me moving forward. I just got the paperwork yesterday in the mail including the quick claim deed so now i can finalize the house, the stbxw's financial statement so I can now finish mine & the date she filed was Jan. 6th so 90 days from that I'm a free man. I still know we could have worked things out but once I saw that she filed it was over for me. I take responsibility for my part in the bad marriage, but I will never take responsibility for the divorce. For me, going back to church, meeting good people, taking the classes have really helped me a lot. I know that might not work for everyone but it did for me. We had gone to a counselor but after going to the guy I do now I wished we would have gone to someone besides the one we did. Things don't seem like they are moving as fast as I want, but I just need to remember God has his speed & we need to learn to go his speed & that is what I'm trying to do.
TrustInYourself Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Well, I think God has his speed and his path for all of us. I am not a big religious guy. But I think it is important to have faith and hope and feel tied to a greater purpose and love than just ourselves. We all travel different paths, but hopefully these emotions we share draw us closer in our travels. Take care.
Author PWSX3 Posted January 29, 2009 Author Posted January 29, 2009 Well the biggest thing I'm working on is to not be selfish & self centered........ I need to work on listening to others & what there feelings are, compromise & not always think it has to be my way....... I know one thing, the stbxw is letting go a very good person. I might not have been when we were married, but I'm learning how to be now. and one thing I have an advantage over most guys is a good imagination of coming up with cool dates, presents, etc for the ladies...
Author PWSX3 Posted January 31, 2009 Author Posted January 31, 2009 As I always tell me friends; what a wonderful day in the hood....:D Today I got a text from the stbxw; she gets the vehicle in our settlement & wanted to know when she could pick it up??? I am sorry but I am busy this weekend & she can just wait, if it was that important then she should have asked before 4:00 o'clock today. I am starting to see some positive things coming out of this divorce. I see how selfish I was in our marriage, how I didn't treat the W like a husband should have done, but that is in the past, I am sorry for what I did but I'm going to be better because of what I am learning....My counselor shared with me this week; everyone makes mistakes and if we learn from our mistakes then that is o.k. we learn & move on. Something else I have learned is I wasn't the father I should have been to my son, but because of the divorce I see it & I am changing that because I treated my son the same way I did the W in some instances. He goes to a private boarding school & this weekend is Senior Recognition and it started this evening with each of the facility getting up & talking about a couple of kids each. (46 Seniors) Then after wards they had cookies & punch so everyone could visit. Tomorrow they have things going on along with a talent show in the evening. I asked my son if tomorrow he wanted me to eat lunch in the cafeteria with him & he said; sure that would be fun. This is something I have never done with him until this year, I did eat breakfast one time with him as well. Because of this divorce I am getting closer with my son, I'm learning I didn't treat him like I should have, I would use put downs to get him to do something instead of building him up because that is how I was raised. I know it might be to late, but I'm going to do what I can to build our relationship now. We have been close & we do things together, but we aren't close like I feel we should be as a father & son. I will do those little things like going to his programs even if they don't mean much to me I know they do to him. The sad part is his mom has never gone to any of his activities this year including parent teacher conference and I guess that just shows me how selfish she has become because of the divorce. Each day it gets better, I have new friends that are so supportive, I get inspirational emails from all kinds of people, yesterday one of my customers at work who has been through a divorce last year gave me a paper & said; here you may like this....... I still have my moments but it is getting so much better, I am learning people do like me, they like what I have to offer & it is just going to keep getting better & better.
Gunny376 Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 Divorce rule No. #1 Don't beat yourself up!! More to come!
Gunny376 Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 Rule #2 Its not about you and what you did or didn't do? Its about their own insecurites and self-doubt!
Gunny376 Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 Rule #3 You didn't fail them! They "failed" YOU!
Gunny376 Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 Where in the blassing Hell did you ever get into your brain-housing-group that this person was the best you could ever have in life? Where did you get the idea that he/she was the best you could do?
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