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[PWSX3]

O.K. is it just me or have others had this experience?

 

In the last week I have had three dreams of the stbxw, one was no big deal, the second one was we were doing something fun together & enjoying each others company, & the third I was someplace besides the house & I walked in & she was laying there playing with herself.

 

This has been all in this last week, last one this morning. I was just wondering have others had dreams or am I just unlucky?

 

As you know I've been going threw the divorce care classes & we only have three weeks left. We are starting to make friendships, in fact yesterday three of us guys met to watch the football game together, then I got a text from one of the gals & some of them want to go out in two weeks to a movie as a group.

 

It has really been good, the classes are christian base, which for me I have tried twice on my own & it didn't work so it is time for me to do something different.

I am meeting new people, new friends & it has really been nice. I'll be sad when they are over, but I do plan on taking a few of the classes again when they start it up again. There is so much information that you miss the first time.

 

We only have the house and one vehicle as an issue between us. Things are getting better for me, I went all last week without crying once & my happy times are starting to get more often.

 

Gunny, Ilmw, & others that say; it will get better, just give it time & I'm starting to believe it.

I have a list of things the stbxw will have to change in order for me to take her back, in case she starts getting second thoughts & wants back. The first of the year I'm going to take "Boundaries & Safe People" classes that I feel are two things I need in my life.

 

Today things are good, we will worry about tomorrow when it comes.

[ilmw]

O.K. is it just me or have others had this experience?

 

In the last week I have had three dreams of the stbxw, one was no big deal, the second one was we were doing something fun together & enjoying each others company, & the third I was someplace besides the house & I walked in & she was laying there playing with herself.

 

This has been all in this last week, last one this morning. I was just wondering have others had dreams or am I just unlucky?

 

As you know I've been going threw the divorce care classes & we only have three weeks left. We are starting to make friendships, in fact yesterday three of us guys met to watch the football game together, then I got a text from one of the gals & some of them want to go out in two weeks to a movie as a group.

 

It has really been good, the classes are christian base, which for me I have tried twice on my own & it didn't work so it is time for me to do something different.

I am meeting new people, new friends & it has really been nice. I'll be sad when they are over, but I do plan on taking a few of the classes again when they start it up again. There is so much information that you miss the first time.

 

We only have the house and one vehicle as an issue between us. Things are getting better for me, I went all last week without crying once & my happy times are starting to get more often.

 

Gunny, Ilmw, & others that say; it will get better, just give it time & I'm starting to believe it.

I have a list of things the stbxw will have to change in order for me to take her back, in case she starts getting second thoughts & wants back. The first of the year I'm going to take "Boundaries & Safe People" classes that I feel are two things I need in my life.

 

Today things are good, we will worry about tomorrow when it comes.

 

Yeah... I had dreams too.... a while back.... Mind playing tricks.. kind of subconscious self torture?? Or.... on a half glass full spin () It could be a cleansing.... the minds way of flushing it's self out...??

 

It is great you are getting out... and meeting new people. Doing things proactive.....

 

The crying stuff.... it will come and go.... go more so... as time goes on.... Like I said before... you will get to a point where it just does not matter anymore.... and you will stop dwelling on it..... (a good place to be)

 

As for making a list .... of what stbxw would have to change if she had a change of heart..... Ummmm, PW... you know I am the last to encourage Divorce... but... ahhhh... Do you really want her back... You were willing... to do what was necessary to improve yourself.... You did more than most..... and she just made excusses.... and then wanted out!

 

I know you two were together for a long time... so I could not imagine what you are truely feeling.... but... Would you be happy... could you trust her to make the changes..... and make them stick.... How long would it be before she reverted back to the old ways?

 

Hard to say.... but worth considering. You have made changes.... and stuck to them..... They are now who you are.... Trust only 50% what you see... and nothing what you hear. Actions my friend.... actions speak much louder than words.... and her actions... (not unlike my ex wifes ) speak volumns:confused:

 

Oh well....

 

I'll post more later... gotta jet! Gotta rub somemore sunshine on my face

 

ilmw

[PWSX3]

Thanks Ilmw,

If I really get honest with myself I know it is over, that I couldn't trust her just like you said.

 

So why do I keep thinking we have a chance, why do I keep thinking I want her back????:mad: Get those crazy thoughts out of my head & things would be better.

I know keep thinking & working on me.......

 

I know once the house is settled it will be easier.

 

I am meeting great friends, people that support me.

A group from DC classes are even planning to get together next weekend to see a movie. We were going to do it this weekend but some couldn't make it. It is good to know people want to go hang out & just have fun.

[PWSX3]

The one thing we have not settled on is our half of the duplex we own. We have split the bills pretty much but we haven't settled the duplex.

 

I am still living in the duplex & I would like to buy her equity out but I don't think I'll be able to afford it. Trouble is a appartment will be as much as my payments on the duplex so I might as well try.

 

The stbxw has not filed so there is no paperwork done in the courts...

My question is; do I wait until she files or do I try I buy the house before she files.

 

I do not trust her, I am afraid that she will bring up something later (after I got my own loan for the house) then I won't be able to afford the duplex & then I'll have full responsibity on the duplex.

 

At this time I will not file, I feel I was part of the reason we are separated but I am not the one that wants the divorce.

Maybe sometime I'll change my mind but for now that is how I feel, I don't know if that is being selfish or not but that is how I feel.

[dead-dyke]

Hi, PWSX3.

 

I wish I could recommend what to do w/ the duplex, but I havn't the foggiest. But I can tell you this - the dreams. They were there really heavy in the beginning. Always about the breakup. Not the same way, but a breakup of different ways each dream. Then I didn't have them for a pretty good while. Recently, w/in the last few weeks, I've had some, and they were different. Like things improved in them. We wern't together again, but it was like we were working things out. But havn't had any since the papers came in the mail. So no, you're not strange. I think it happens to everybody that goes through this.

 

Now, your third dream? You should check yourself into a psyche ward - Just teasing.

 

Oh, almost forgot - My wife didn't file anything either. I thought I'd make her s**t or get off the pot. I guess not wanting to be wondering all the time made me nudge her - So she s**t!

[sumdude]

You can write up a separation agreement (read: property settlement)long before ever filing for the actual divorce. It's part of the process and best done when you have your emotions as stable as possible.

 

So, it's not the official divorce just the business end of it.

 

There are three divorces happening.

 

1. Emotional

2. Financial

3. Legal

 

Truth is #1 or #2 are the hardest parts depending on the situation. The legal one ends up feeling like the period at the end of the paragraph.

 

It's hard not to fight it.. we're often in denial subconsciously a lot longer than we realize it rationally.

 

Hang in there P and do what feels right. Try not to wait to long, it's best to get ahead of the game on the property end.

[PWSX3]

I got an email from one of the guys in the divorce care class & it really made me think so I thought I would share in case someone else is having the same question.

 

One thing I have been troubled with is I feel God put us together for a reason & maybe he did but there are other things that can happen that I don't have control over.

 

 

Another thing I would suggest is stop telling yourself God put you together for a reason there may have been a reason and you have fullfilled that reason there is also free will involved here and your stbxw has chosen her will and not God's.

[PWSX3]

For those such as myself that are fighting with anger, thought I would share. This is from my daily email I get.

 

"Anger is a defense mechanism where you take whatever is bothering you and is wrong within you, then you project it on another person and blame him or her for it. Frequently the other person accepts the blame, which satisfies you temporarily but doesn't solve the problem," says Dr. Robert Abarno.

Blame is a natural reaction to your loss. You feel as though you need to blame someone: your former spouse, God, yourself, friends, or the person with whom your spouse had an affair.

 

The problem with blame, though, is what it leads to.

Blame and anger work together to produce resentment. When you fuel your anger with accusations and the self-justified shifting of responsibility, you will begin to burn with resentment. From resentment comes bitterness. Bitterness is a steady disease that eats you from the inside out, but seldom affects the object of your bitterness.

[dead-dyke]

Bitterness is a steady disease that eats you from the inside out, but seldom affects the object of your bitterness.

 

This has a ring of truth, for sure. But, for us going through this, or have gone through this, have you ever been just angry? No projection, just downright sick and tired? Not consciously blaming anyone, unless just angry at yourself?

 

Is that possible? I find myself getting angry at myself at least as equally as I become resentful to the ex..... I don't know. I'm just thinking on the keyboard. I can't say I'm really directing blame anywhere. At least consciously.

[ilmw]

I guess all I can say about anger is this:

 

The second time around... when the ex and I separated again.... I became angry.... For me... it helped me get over her faster.

 

Once I dealt with that... I was good to go... now I could care less...

[dead-dyke]

I guess all I can say about anger is this:

 

The second time around... when the ex and I separated again.... I became angry.... For me... it helped me get over her faster.

 

Once I dealt with that... I was good to go... now I could care less...

 

 

 

I wish I were at the 'could care less' stage. Course, I didn't have an opportunity to be on this ride 2ce. PW, will likely be a while before he gets there too. Of course, w/ the counseling, maybe that will accelerate things? This has to be messing w/ his mind - Sorry, PW, don't mean to talk like your not here.

[PWSX3]

Nope I'm hear & things are getting better.

 

I have a good support group between my friends in the bike club & my friends I am making with Divorce care and starting to meet guys in the mens group at church.

My son was laughing because I text more then he does. In the last few days I have over 100 texts each day. There is 6 of us that kind of keep in touch, in fact next weekend we are all going out to a movie.

 

Last night I met up with two of the girls for coffee & we just talked. Got to share more then what you can do in class. It was really fun getting to know them better. One of them left her H because of abuse, he was very controlling so it is good to listen to what she has to say.

 

I know I'll have moments but hopefully they will start getting better. One guy shared with me that he would have to ask his friend; tell me again why I don't want to get back with my wife & so they would & he said that helped.

 

I am starting to get it, I would like to get back with the W but I just don't think it would work & I figure there is someone out there that wants to love me so I'll just keep working on me until God shows me who that person is.

 

Oh Ilmw, I hit my top speed today on my bike, 56.3mph!!!!! Talk about a rush.

It is all good today & that is all I can look at, today!!!

 

Deak-dyke, yes there has been many times I feel to just give up, specially since I feel I'm doing all the work, trying to buy her out of the house, & she just has it easy but that is what is going to make me stronger.

 

I feel both sides had something to do with it, so it is both faults, but that doesn't really matter, you just have to move on & that is what is hard.

[dead-dyke]

Nope I'm hear & things are getting better.

 

 

Last night I met up with two of the girls for coffee & we just talked. Got to share more then what you can do in class. It was really fun getting to know them better. One of them left her H because of abuse, he was very controlling so it is good to listen to what she has to say.

 

I figure there is someone out there that wants to love me so I'll just keep working on me until God shows me who that person is.

 

I feel both sides had something to do with it, so it is both faults, but that doesn't really matter, you just have to move on & that is what is hard.

 

Of course it's both.... You're naturally doing the knowledge gain, even w/ one hand tied behind your back, but that's now besides the point. Maybe you have been shown, and you just don't realize it yet. You never, ever know. I hope I'm not coming off as presumptuous. I don't want to offend. You'll come out the other side a lot healthier than most folks. That's when your list for your wife will come in handy. That is, if thats what you are interested in after all is said and done.

[PWSX3]

Tuesday evening was our last Divorcecare class it was kind of sad knowing now I have to go to the gym on Tuesdays.

 

Me & the stbxw still had a cash management account together so I called & found out what we needed to do to cash it out? Then I picked up the paperwork later in the day & called stbxw to see if I could meet up with her to have her sign it. This is the first time in over two months that we have seen or talked to each other.

She was getting off work early so we decided to meet at a coffee shop which we did. I noticed she had new glasses so we talked about them, then she signed the paperwork.

 

Then I asked if she was still going to church, which she replied; yes she was still going. We talked some more then went out to her car, she had brought me the matching dishes I had since she had bought some new ones & figured I could use them. Then she shared with me what she has been doing on Weds. evenings. She is doing a bible study every weds & it lasts for 2 months.

 

It was good to see her & to see she is doing so good. We are both having issues that come up & we shared those as well. Going from a two person income to one is an adjustment & when things come up that you don't except it really hurts.

 

We had a good talk, just like a couple of friends... Like my counselor said today; it is part of the process of reconsilation. Doesn't mean we will get back together but we are uderstanding we can be civil & treat each other as adults, which I would rather do then get mad.

 

Plan is to still keep working on "me", January start new classes, keep hanging out with my new friends (movie planned for the weekend) and just try to learn who I am, what I want.......

 

Ilmw, Gunny, & others, thanks for all the help.....

I am starting to see a pinhole of light, I must be in a tunnel......

[PWSX3]

Funny how you can be feeling so good, feel like you are moving forward & then YAM!!! hit with something that kicks your butt!!!

 

One of the guys from DC class got 4 hockey tickets so it was guys night out to a hockey game.

Seats were on the glass so awesome tickets. I walked around with one of the guys just checking things out then we went & sat down.

 

All of a sudden it hit me......The stbxw really liked hockey & started to think of her not being able to enjoy the game with me. Then I started to fee guilty for having fun without her.

 

I am starting to understand different types of feelings I don't think I did before & I see there are different feelings as well.

 

I was able to put that out of my mind & I did have fun, it was good to get out with the boys.

 

Then one of the guys noticed a couple girls checking him out (yes he is a good looking guy) he has been divorced over a year so he is a lot farther along then the rest of us, so after the game he went over & talked to them & they invited us out for drinks.

 

I am not ready to date at ALL but I feel it is good for me to get out with groups of people just to meet new people and maybe people I would not have done things with if it was one on one. These girls were not the type I would have picked out but they were a lot of fun, friendly & funny. They asked how we knew each other & my friend said; oh we were taking classes together, then later he said what they were, which they replied; oh we have both been there, both divorced as well.

 

I guess what I want to share with others that are also in this situation but might just starting, you will have feelings hit you unexpectedly and they seem to set you back but it is all of the process.

 

Get out and meet people in a group setting that maybe aren't your type or maybe aren't someone you would think would be someone you have things in common, it is all a learning experience, you might learn something about yourself I know I have. You don't have to date, just get out & have fun.

 

Now for those that are farther in the process might have other suggestions that could help but these are things I have found helpful.

[ilmw]

Good stuff PW.... Getting out there still... You are still doing what you need to do... you are LIVING.

 

Now you mentioned your stbxw liked hockey... Would she have actually gone to a game.... or was it just watching it on TV??

 

Yeah..... meeting members of the opposite sex in the early stages can feel weird.... uncomfortable.... I can remember having interest in a woman... and instantly feeling guilty... felt like "I" was cheating... Ridiculous eh? Strange how the mind of a faithful person works... You know... how you feel.... you know you are not ready... and that is smart. Do not rush into anything.... Be comfortable with yourself.... be at peace with your life.... and where you are, then maybe if you feel like it.... then let someone in again.... Works for me

 

Keep on doing what you are doing my friend.... you will be there before you know it

 

ilmw

[PWSX3]

Good stuff PW.... Getting out there still... You are still doing what you need to do... you are LIVING.

 

Now you mentioned your stbxw liked hockey... Would she have actually gone to a game.... or was it just watching it on TV??

She would go to the games with me, she didn't like to watch it on TV as much.

 

 

Yesterday I called the stbxw, a cousin that had cancer passed away & my son & I are driving my folks to the funeral so we might not be here for T-day so I wanted to let her know what was going on.

 

We had a good talk, she got choked up when we were talking about my family because she was very close to them.

 

She did remind me again that she feels there is someone out there that will love her for who she is. It hurts to hear her say that, but she does deserve to be treated well, but I hope she isn't looking for someone to make her happy because that won't work.

 

I know it has only been 3 months, but sometimes it seems a lot longer. We were separated for 7 months so I just need to keep learning about me.

 

I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving Day!!!!!

[PWSX3]

Got a question that my buddy brought up tonight so I thought I would ask here.

 

Since my stbxw moved out, isn't she still responsible for half of the house payment even though she moved out, her name is still on the title????????

 

I go see someone Monday about what my options are for buying her out, but is she responsible for half the house payment for the last 3 months even though she doesn't live here?????????

 

I know if I moved out & the house went back then we would both be responsible. I have done some research on buying her half of the equity out & I owe her some money, so I was just wondering if she did owe half that I would take it off what I owe her.........

[Mr. Lucky]

That would be something that you would negotiate in your settlement. There are different approaches - sometimes both spouses continue to pay for the prior residence, sometimes it's left to the one that continues to live there. Did you cover this in your discussion with your lawyer and did he talk to her lawyer about it? Obviously, it's more of a factor in this market where houses aren't selling in many areas...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Dad_of_3]

Perry ... over a year on my friend and I havent forgotten you.

 

I'm sorry to here you are going through the ups and downs.

Hang tight buddy. You're a survivor not a victim.

 

Noy do I have a lot of catching up to do on here.

 

Good to see the regulars are still on here

[PWSX3]

I'm sorry to here you are going through the ups and downs.

Hang tight buddy. You're a survivor not a victim.

 

Noy do I have a lot of catching up to do on here.

 

Good to see the regulars are still on here

WOW you are still alive!!!!!!:laugh:

How are things going with you my friend?????? Yes it has been a long time.

 

It is getting better, last night I went & got all the paperwork lined up to buy the stbxw out of the house, the guy I'm working with tried calling her today & go over the numbers with her but didn't reach her so hopefully tomorrow.

 

I feel once that is completed then it will be a lot harder to even think of taking her back if it came down to that....

 

Tonight a bunch of us from the DC class got together for pizza, it is funny how busy I am anymore. This week I only have one evening that isn't full with something.

 

The last day I have been angry, been doing my deliveries & just calling the stbxw names in the truck... I feel bad because it is names I would never say to her face, but being alone they have come out.

 

Things are starting to get easier, I don't cry anymore, maybe get a tear in my eye but that is about it.

 

Dad_of_3, it is really good to hear from you again.......

[ilmw]

Perry ... over a year on my friend and I havent forgotten you.

 

I'm sorry to here you are going through the ups and downs.

Hang tight buddy. You're a survivor not a victim.

 

Noy do I have a lot of catching up to do on here.

 

Good to see the regulars are still on here

 

Do3!

 

How you been???!!!

 

Its like we all have re-occurring roles in a grand universal soap opera ......

 

ilmw

[sumdude]

 

The last day I have been angry, been doing my deliveries & just calling the stbxw names in the truck... I feel bad because it is names I would never say to her face, but being alone they have come out.

 

LOL... I remember that stage... I called it my tourettes syndrome month. Boy did I get ever more creative with the insults and names. All for myself, never at anyone. The anger had to vent somewhere and I found some ways have fun with it.

 

Glad to hear you're doing a bit better. There are definitely stages to the whole thing.

[ilmw]

LOL... I remember that stage... I called it my tourettes syndrome month. Boy did I get ever more creative with the insults and names. All for myself, never at anyone. The anger had to vent somewhere and I found some ways have fun with it.

 

Glad to hear you're doing a bit better. There are definitely stages to the whole thing.

 

.... tourettes.... Yeah, I can relate..... :laugh:!!!!

[PWSX3]

Funny how you feel you are doing so well then WHACK!!! you get hit with something you never expected. Got a flier from church from a guy that said; saving and enriching HOMES....

I told him sorry but I was in the middle of a separation/divorce & so he sat down & talked with me a while. Asked if I really wanted the divorce, I said; I don't know yet & it went from there. I just explained I'm trying to figure out what and how the heck I am......

 

Well I read the flier & it brought tears to my eyes, worse then I have had in a long time. Just pulled at my heart, but it was good, I felt so much better afterwards.

 

Anyway my sisters are going to be in town next week, the stbxw was always close to my family & they are having a baby shower for my sister so my mom asked if they should invite stbxw & I said sure, she has known her for over 28yrs....

 

I guess yesterday the stbxw stopped at my folks & thanked them for inviting her that she really appreciated it. I know we might have our differences, but that doesn't mean she still can't be friends with the family. My folks have always invited anyone into there house so it didn't bother me at all when they invited her.

 

Things are getting a lot better, doing some positive things in my life, made some really good friends & having a good time. Decided to even send out my own Christmas cards so today I had my son sign the cards so I can finish them up.....Feels good to be happy.....