back for another page in life

[Billy Bob]

One of the people on the video that you watch said there is no proof but in his 20 plus years he has come to the conclusion that a divorce can take 5 years for a person to get over.

 

I think it all depends on the person... I was pretty much over my ex-wife the day I filed for divorce.. after nearly a year in turmoil. It took me at least a year after that before I could have a healthy relationship with someone else for the right reasons. So probably 2 years for me.. I'm about 3 years out from when the WS originally wanted a divorce, 2 years since it was final and I'm remarried now and doing fine.

[ilmw]

PW.... you know you are going to be fine... I know you are going to be fine.

 

Geeeezzz..... not so long ago... I was wondering what the hell I was going to do with my life... Now... I am in my own house.. and have started dating again... figured it was about time.

 

In fact.. have a date this Thursday night.. meeting for a coffee.... seems like a really nice "lady"

 

damn... have to remember how to talk to a woman .......

 

Its all good.... and it all takes a little time... (well more than a little) but... its true... time is are friend!

 

You will be fine my friend.

 

ilmw

[PWSX3]

Today I got two whammy's hit me.

 

I had emailed the stbxw and I wasn't expecting anything back but I did and here is what she wrote:

I am the happiest I have been since we first started seeing our M/C.

That is all I ever plan on telling you about ME, because as you know,

it isn't my style.

 

Just like our marriage she doesn't want to communicate. At least I know

she is finished & won't be looking to come back so I can move on now.

 

The second was I saw she closed our joint account today that we have

had since 1982. It was in her name so I signed the paperwork for her

so she could take my name off or close it & she choice to close it.

 

I was lucky that a friend called me & told me to quit being so hard

on myself & she explained to me that I need to look at the bad in our

relationship as well as the good. I've been just looking at the good

and trying to figure if there was any way to get back together but

after what she said I can see the stbx also had a lot to do with the

destruction of our marriage & I can't take all the blame.

 

I also need to look at the bad to be able to grieve the loss.

 

It was really good to talk to her because she was able to pick me

up & get me back on track. I have to say I'm so lucky to have some

good friends to help me.

 

I know after this is all done that I'll be so much happier but just

trying to get threw it really SUCKS!!!!

[Gunny376]

Hang in there my Man, it does get better with time. Some it will come naturally, and other things you will have to work at and on it?

 

Somedays its going to be day by day, and others its going to be minute by minute. I would say that for most of us, about 90% of us, we were pretty much in pergutory until the ink was dried on the paper. I would even say a year or two after the ink has been dried on the "D" papers. Some never recover.

 

Of course you will never be the same. You've changed, your not the person you were before your married the STBXW, and your never going to be the same again. Your not going to be the person you would have been had you not married the STBXW, but your sure as Hell are going to be an all together different person for having been married to her.

 

When we get married? We're actually are marrying three different people. The person we think we're marrying, the person that we're actually marrying, and the person that comes about as a result of having married you!

 

For the length of time you and I've known each other via the internet, you've been relentlessly beating yourself up about being overly controlling, and perhaps you are ~ but more to the point being a mechanic, and general handy-man about town ~ I belive its more of case of your being "Mr Fix-It" and to some this can come off as being controlling.

 

Its interesting that when we marry, the very traits and charteristics that our mates found attractive later in life find repulsive? To be honest I don't think men and women were meant to be together ten, twentry, thirty or more years.

 

I don't belive that the break-down of your marriage is so much about you, and your being overly controlling ~ so much as it is about your wifes' current need for autonomy. Her need to see if she can life live on her own terms, and on her on?

 

For the better part of her Life she's had you ~ Mr Fix-It and Johnnny-On-The-Spot.

 

Now that the DS is almost grown and on his own ~she's wanting to experience life to its fullest and to its top ~ on her own ~ and that doesn't have anything to do with you with my Friend. Those are her issues.

 

This isn't about you nor about being "controlling" this is about her declaring her independence from her parents, her teachers, her boss, her pastor ~ whoever told her how she was suppose to live HER life!

 

Some us are all about doing so as soon as we graduate HS, (or even before) and for some its takes many more years in life to muscle up the courage to do so.

 

THERE'S a REASON why people we know and have in our lives ~ its because they're not DESERVING to be a part of our furture.

 

Quit beating yourself up over the break-up of your marriage and quit looking for the answer to the question of "WHY?"

 

Take a Fool's advice ~ its a fool's errand and you will waste years upon years of your Life looking for the answer.

 

The one and only answer to the question of why is ~

 

"What was ~ was!

 

What is ~ IS!

 

What will be ~ will be!"

 

Now get your Happy Azz out there on your bike, rub a little sunshine on your face, and either get busy living ~ or get busy dying. Just that freaking plain and just that freaking simple!

 

Granted had you had the experience, knowledge, wisdom that you have NOW thirty or forty years ago you would have been a better husband, father that you've been over the last thirty or forty years ago.

 

But as I recall, when I got married the judge didn't hand me an "Operators Manual" nor a TM ('Technical Mannual) nothing ~ it was pretty much "fly-by-your pants" , OJT, and "Good Luck MutherTrucker! You're on your own! Go for what you know!"

 

So your first assignemtn is to quit beating yourself up, and to get busy living your life. Life is truly short. Learn from your past experiences and grow from them. "Learn Damnit! Learn!"

 

And for the record I had the "Mr Fixit" syndrone as well, but I've learned to curtail it. In short? I've learned to keep my mouth shut, and let the blind mice lead the other blind mice.

 

In short you're going to reach a point such as ilmw and I have reached, where you come to the conclusion ~ that people? They're about as happy as they make thier minds up to be!

 

That is to say ~ you've got to make your mind up and choose to be happy in and with your life ~ with or without your STBX.

[PWSX3]

For those that are having a hard time today lets do what Gunny always suggests; Get out & rub some sunshine on our faces!!!!!

 

It is going to be nice here today so off for a 60 mile bike ride for this kid. Doing a new route that has the worse hill climb in the area. :eek:

[PWSX3]

WOW did I get some sunshine on me.

 

So the totals of the ride are as following:

Total time 6 hours,

total riding time 4hrs 30 min. (yes we rested a few times)

Total miles: 64.14

Average speed: 14.2 mph my average is usually around 16 so this was a tough ride, in fact probably the worse I've done so far because of the climbing.

Max. speed: 52.4 mph. No that isn't my top speed, I've been over 54 mph.

 

It is so good to have such great friends to spend the day with.

 

O.K. so I just might be a little happy today. :laugh:

[Gunny376]

Get busy living or get busy dying!

 

Just that plain!

 

Just that simple!

 

We each and everyone are resposible for our own individual happiness!

 

Each and every day!

[PWSX3]

Well not much new happening, I haven't talked to the stbxw in like 3 weeks or more, I can't remember for sure.

 

The house is very quit when I come home but I'm getting used to it, but I REALLY like walking into a clean house, it makes me feel good.

 

Tonight was our bike ride night & I passed, just didn't feel like it tonight, want to get some things done around the house.

 

Today I was talking with a co-worker & I thought of something Gunny has said.

 

He said; (not in his words) What can a person bring to the table or relationship to make it better for you?

I thought for a while & to be honest there isn't much the stbx could bring at this time that I can't do myself.

 

Maybe I am looking at it the wrong way, maybe I'm seeing things from a worldly view or what type of things she can do and I should be looking at the heart & soul.

 

I do know this will be a good time to look at me, see what I've done wrong in the past & figure out maybe why I did them and see if I can do better.

 

I have also been listening to these guys on the radio & they really have given me some good things to think about.

 

The DivorceCare classes have been very helpful, listening to what others have to say also helps.

 

The church that is holding the classes also have counselors that I plan on calling just to help me understand some questions I have dancing around in my head.

 

Last night we were talking about the bible & what it says about divorce. One of the questions I have was;

 

How long or how many times to do you try to make a marriage work before you finally throw in the towel?

 

Like me everytime I learn something that would maybe help us in our marriage I think; maybe we should give it one more try but then I remember she is the one that moved out & so there isn't anymore trying unless she wanted to.

 

then right after I think that I come up with reasons I would be so much happier by myself so it is just a big circle at this time but I'm slowly starting to stop the circle & just walk in a straight line.

 

Hope this all makes since, I have trouble putting thoughts on paper or this case internet.

[GreenEyedLady]

I do know this will be a good time to look at me, see what I've done wrong in the past & figure out maybe why I did them and see if I can do better.

 

What I think that you will realize after more time has passed is that sometimes people don't do anything wrong.

 

You're not getting divorced because you did anything wrong.

 

You're getting divorced because your W died to you as your partner. And vice versa.

 

If both parties don't try and work at it, it isn't a R. It's just two people co-existing.

 

Hang in there!

 

GEL

[Trimmer]

I do know this will be a good time to look at me, see what I've done wrong in the past & figure out maybe why I did them and see if I can do better.

 

What I think that you will realize after more time has passed is that sometimes people don't do anything wrong.

 

You're not getting divorced because you did anything wrong.

 

You're getting divorced because your W died to you as your partner. And vice versa.

I agree with GEL in general, but this can still be a useful time for self-examination and change. It doesn't necessarily have to be in the negative tone of deciding how badly you've screwed up your life and figuring out how to clean up the mess, but you can take advantage of this time when you are emotionally raw, open, and contemplative to do some positive work.

 

I'm of the opinion that once we become adults, significant change happens most readily through trauma and/or shock of some sort. In a sense, you can use this as a fuel for personal change and growth. It's one of the few silver linings in my own situation, but I believe I took good advantage of it.

 

Hope this all makes since, I have trouble putting thoughts on paper or this case internet.

You're doing OK... Some of these are bewildering and circular questions without answers - it's enough to twist your mind, and certainly your heart.

[PWSX3]

Me & the stbxw have seen a counselor for the last 5 years together but yesterday I went to a new one that is part of the church that I've been taking the divorce care classes at.

 

He has been practicing since 1976 and has all kinds of awards, has taught at colleges, etc. He also has his own little work book that he wrote (called "my story") & that is what he uses as part of his therapy. He said he will go threw the book with me then when we are done I will write "My Story".

 

It was my first appointment so you don't get to much done except to try & figure who I am what I am looking for, etc. but I do know I wished we were seeing him 5 years ago instead of the one we were seeing.

 

He asked me about our relationship, then he talked about my family & my past and he suggests that because I never have really been on my own that there are some issues I need to work on because of that so I'm ready for the challenge.

 

After we had talked for a while & he gave me his suggestions on what to expect & what he feels are reasons I am who I am he asked me; do I still want the marriage to work?

 

I thought about it for a while & said; right now I want to work on me, that until I do that the marriage will not work & even if the marriage doesn't work then I need the help for me for my future.

 

He told me as we grow we depend on our parents, then they prepare us for life, to live on our own. Some parents do a good job of this, some don't even though they feel they have. I feel because I have always been around my folks that I have relied on them to much even in our marriage. Pretty sad when a 48yr old hasn't grown up yet, but I feel that is me.

 

Once you are on your own you live to live alone, be able to defend yourself but I never did that. Then you meet your mate & they join you in your life, they aren't there to make your life & like the counselor said; me & the stbxw were codependent on each other. He also had another word that we should have been but I don't remember it but that is why we were always butting heads, we were both trying to be in control, she was just a little sneaker about it then I was.

 

I am going to see him once a week and in Jan. him & his wife teach some boundaries (Henry Cloud) classes that I will join. I am still doing the divorce care classes & I feel I am on the right track for me.

 

I want to learn to live on my own, be alone without being lonely and if the stbxw wants the divorce then that is what I'll give her but for now I am in no hurry to sign any paperwork. Who knows what will happen in the next few months, the only thing I can do is live for today.

 

I can see that I was controlling, I did belittle & put the wife down but at the time I didn't know it. Now I have to learn why I did it & then I can work on not doing it again whether it be with her or another relationship or even just friends.

 

As Trimmer suggested, this is a good time to work on "ME" because I am raw and I'm wanting to learn.

[ilmw]

Hey PW,

 

It just dawned on me that... as you and your stbxw were together for so long... you have been "institutionalized" in the context of your marriage. You have on more than one occasion mentioned how long you were together... and that she is all you have really ever known.....

 

I could not imagine being in a relationship that long... and not in some way be... well effected by that other person. When you have been married as long or almost as long as you lived at home with your parents... that has to be different.

 

I was with my ex wife... for a lofty 8 years... and know how it effected me... it was hard.... so I could not imagine how it most be for someone like yourself.

 

But.... in saying this... you have also on more than one occasion mentioned how you to are different.... and how she (stbxw) has consistentley ... shown she does not have the strength or interest in making your marriage work.. You gave her a chance.... as she gave you.... from what you have said... you were doing what needed to be done.... she used excuses to do nothing.

 

Some people just think things should just work... and if it does not... then it is not meant to be.... Wow. That, I think was my ex wife.... Does that sound like your stbxw?

 

As I have said on many occassions... My friend.... you are doing more than you need to do.... but that is good. You are learing... keeping busy... staying in shape.... good stuff.

 

But.... as for your wife? I hate to say it.... and you know my feelings on giving up.... but... you have heard of wiping a dead horse...?

 

It is hard to think... of what it would be like without the people we married... unless you are the one who is the dumper...? The dumped is lost.... and scared.... and confused... and can't imagine ever being on the other side.... The time in your life... that.... well you don't lose sleep any more... about what has happened in your life... when you have excepted it.... and well...... just don't give a damn. (It's a good time) FREE!

 

It will come..... it will.

 

I could go on and on.... but.... well... I have some other stuff... I have to do.....

 

So keep your chin up...and know... you are going to get through this

 

ilmw

[PWSX3]

Ilmw, I know what you are saying, it is just hard to except I guess.

 

I just got off the phone with a good friend, I had emailed her what the stbxw had sent me & she suggested I don't send anything back, she is wanting a potato peeler and paper shredder.

 

After listening to her I can see I am not letting go, I am still hoping we can work things out even though I have gotten a few emails from the stbxw suggesting she still wants the divorce.

 

I just don't understand how someone can just walk away from 26yrs of marriage, but like people have said she walked a way long time ago.

 

I don't plan on replying to her email, I will work at getting numbers for the buy out on the duplex & then email her to set up an appointment with the mediator. I want to discuss all the numbers of the house with a mediator because she is thinking she is going to get a lot more out of it then she really is.

 

Like in the book I am reading, I need to tell myself; the marriage is over & the sooner I realize it the quicker I can move on......

 

Don't know why I don't want to let go but I need to figure it out & DO IT!!!

[Gunny376]

Well P, its like I told the XHex, "Its not because you're 44-26-34, its not because your daddy owns a chain of liqiour stores for six states around and is the richest man is town ~ its just beause I'm use to having your around!" (Old George Jones song )

 

But ILMW has hit the nail on the head. I your head and even in your heart of hearts you know that its over and that you di all that you knew to do at the time, and yes you've have vey much been institionalized by the institution of marriage.

 

You're never going to find all the answers as to why your marriage ~ trust me on this on this one. You will find the answers over the course of the remaining years of your life and will have constant and perpetual revelations as to why your marriage failed.

 

And like anything you can sit around all the live long day, and spend the rest of your life "would have, should have, could have" yourself until you blue in the face.

 

At some point your just going to have to let ago. Its one of life's "Mystery of mysteries"

[Navin_R_Johnson]

...and yes you've have very much been institionalized by the institution of marriage.

 

Wow...very good way to put it. That was me. I defined myself by my role as a husband and a dad. I really lost touch with who I was and spiraled out of control near the end. I really was institutionalized.

[sumdude]

Originally Posted by Gunny376

...and yes you've have very much been institionalized by the institution of marriage.

 

No doubt.. no doubt. Programmed from the start even...

 

I haven't seen my ex for a year, heard her voice in six months. Every once in a while I still catch myself imagining a conversation with her and thinking about it all. We were married less than 2 years though we basically lived married for 7. I can't even imagine 20+ years and how that must affect you.

 

Thing is... my parents, their parents, all the aunts & uncles, freinds of the family etc I grew up with... stayed married till the end. I have one cousin who's divorced. I was programmed from birth to believe that marriages are 'till death'.

 

These days I find myself with some potential women in my life.. and subconsciously I think I find a way to avoid a relationship. Maybe, way back in that squishy computer in my skull there is some program running that still thinks I'm married.

[PWSX3]

The stbxw emailed me asking what my plans were to buy her half of the equity we have in our house?

 

So I went to a couple different mortgage companies & they both were close to the same.

 

After we pay off the duplex, the second we have & each pay our half of closing costs she owes me $300.00.....

 

My question is; how or what type of a letter head would I send her to explain this is my proposal to buying your half of the equity without sounding like an a$$ or being mean?

I know she is going to be PISSED because she is thinking she is going to get like $10,000 back but it just doesn't work out that way.

[GreenEyedLady]

Tell her to turn on the TV...

[sumdude]

The stbxw emailed me asking what my plans were to buy her half of the equity we have in our house?

 

So I went to a couple different mortgage companies & they both were close to the same.

 

After we pay off the duplex, the second we have & each pay our half of closing costs she owes me $300.00.....

 

My question is; how or what type of a letter head would I send her to explain this is my proposal to buying your half of the equity without sounding like an a$$ or being mean?

I know she is going to be PISSED because she is thinking she is going to get like $10,000 back but it just doesn't work out that way.

 

Well, she's out of the marriage and out on her own. She can also do the research and find the truth for herself. Have her own proposal put together. Now you have a business relationship. All you can do it have it all on paper in black and white for her to see and have her own people go over.

[ilmw]

Well, she's out of the marriage and out on her own. She can also do the research and find the truth for herself. Have her own proposal put together. Now you have a business relationship. All you can do it have it all on paper in black and white for her to see and have her own people go over.

 

Totally agree!!

 

It has to be treated now like a business transaction... the emotion (feelings) must be put aside... as yours were for you.

 

She not like what you have to say... get her to look it up herself... (already said) and great advice.

 

This is not a time to be soft... this is business!

 

Don't get screwed in anyway.

 

Be smart PW.... we know you can!

 

ilmw

[Trimmer]

I agree with the posts above. When we separated, one of the best things I did was to start separating my wife into her different character roles, and dealing with her in a context specific to the situation at hand: spouse (about separation and divorce stuff), parent (kids stuff), and business partner (about selling our homes.) I tried to keep the spouse dynamic out of the other interactions, and it really helped.

 

In our business partner relationship, since we were selling our homes and splitting the proceeds, we were both motivated to work cooperatively to maximize the benefits to both of us, but nonetheless, even on opposite sides of the negotiating table, you can still have an honest, respectful relationship as business partners. Just try to keep the spousal dynamic out of it, while you are doing business.

[PWSX3]

Tonight is NOT a good evening, got an email from the stbxw & it just put me in a bad mood.

 

This is part of what she wrote;

I am sorry if you want to put the divorce on hold, but I have my life to continue and can not put it on hold.

 

Just can't figure how someone can give up on 26 yrs of marriage just like that? Oh it's over time to move on no big deal.

 

I know as my friend told me, keep my chin up, keep looking for any little positive thing to get me thru but sometimes it is hard.

I also spend to much time thinking of what if, specially after learning what part I had in the divorce from counseling.

 

We are trying to figure out what to do with one of our cars & then it will be the house. I can't afford the car so the only two choices we have is she buy it or we sell it but we won't get near what it is worth because it has a salvage title.

I want to keep the house but I don't know if I can afford it, but if I can't I won't be able to afford an apartment either because they aren't that much cheaper then what the house payments would be.

 

Saturday the guys from DC class went out & we had a good time, but that is when I learned what apartments are costing.

We hope to go out and do something else again, it is just good to be around people that are going thru the same thing you are, plus even though these guys are dealing with a divorce they all seem like good guys.

[ilmw]

Tonight is NOT a good evening, got an email from the stbxw & it just put me in a bad mood.

 

This is part of what she wrote;

I am sorry if you want to put the divorce on hold, but I have my life to continue and can not put it on hold.

 

Just can't figure how someone can give up on 26 yrs of marriage just like that? Oh it's over time to move on no big deal.

 

I know as my friend told me, keep my chin up, keep looking for any little positive thing to get me thru but sometimes it is hard.

I also spend to much time thinking of what if, specially after learning what part I had in the divorce from counseling.

 

We are trying to figure out what to do with one of our cars & then it will be the house. I can't afford the car so the only two choices we have is she buy it or we sell it but we won't get near what it is worth because it has a salvage title.

I want to keep the house but I don't know if I can afford it, but if I can't I won't be able to afford an apartment either because they aren't that much cheaper then what the house payments would be.

 

Saturday the guys from DC class went out & we had a good time, but that is when I learned what apartments are costing.

We hope to go out and do something else again, it is just good to be around people that are going thru the same thing you are, plus even though these guys are dealing with a divorce they all seem like good guys.

 

Hey PW,

 

Did you really expect much more than what you stbx wrote in her email... Has she not indicated the same to you for a while?

 

When... I first seperated.... I moved into an apartment.... it was not that bad... but I had to have room for my son... so I paid a little more...but I did shop around.. and lucked out.

 

When.... the ex kicked me out ... the second time.... I was stuck... so I ended up moving in with a friend... who my son knew... which made it easier... and also... we got on well....so there was no friction.... once again... I lucked out.... that I had friends who would help out... (also... I did pay rent to him....)

 

I did this... until... I saved some money.... to get my back into my own house again.... which is awesome...

 

At least.... you are getting out there... and living a life... getting a taste of what it is....to be on your own.... It is not that bad... when you get used to it...

 

Keep your chin up Mr. You will get there... just figure out now what you have to do... to take care of your immediate situation.... you are already taking care of the rest (your brain)...

 

Ilmw

[PWSX3]

The only two things we have left to work out is the one vehicle & the house, which I'm trying to buy from her, but I didn't have my figures correct the first time so I'll have to come up with some money which at this time is very hard to do.

 

The DC classes have been really helpful, some of the guys have gone out as a group & Friday evening I invited one over that has been having a hard time especially on weekends, but it gave us time to talk, which we don't get much at the classes.

 

My counselor has been very good, he has made me set some goals & boundaries in case the stbxw calls down the road wanting to get back together. He said; there is a good chance even when they are not happy with the relationship once they are on there own they find out the grass isn't as green & start trying to see what they are missing especially when you are moving on & are in a good place in your mind.

He explained that we do not want that old marriage back & that if we would reconcile things would have to change for both of us & I need to know what those things are that I would need her to change & I just don't think she can or would do it so it also showed me there is not a good chance of us getting back together.

 

We both grew up in Christian homes but since we have been married we stopped going to church so I've started going again, joined a men's bible study class this week & met some really nice guys. The church I go to is different then what I grew up going to so it has been an adjustment with the type of music, the type of dress (they don't care if you wear jeans or shorts, etc) but I'm starting to like it.

 

I'm starting to get to know some of the people so it gives me a place to go communicate with others that really don't know my life story & are just learning who I am & not who I am with the stbxw.

 

Right now they are talking about "Monsters," facing things that go BUMP in your life:eek: & this week was really good. It was how we need to face our monsters & if we do good things will come from it. He used David & Galieth as an example along with others.

The pastor that talked has also been divorced & he said if it wasn't for his monster that he would have never met his present wife he has now & would not have the great family he has now & at the place that he is in his life now so it gave me hope that yes this is my monster that I am facing but once I face my monster good things will come from it if I believe.

 

Still riding the bike even though the weather is starting to cool off a lot, yesterday the group went out for a 100 mile ride (one couple hadn't done a century) but I was busy so I didn't go. I'm keeping busy with positive things & once we finalize the house then we will see what happens.

 

In my heart I do not want to be the one that files even though I know I was not perfect in our relationship & yes I had thoughts of divorce as well. I feel if I do then I am not keeping my word when I said; tell death do us part & she is the one that moved out, she is the one that said she is finished & besides whether I would get back together with the stbxw or with someone else there is a lot of work I feel I need to do for myself before I am ready for another relationship, I'm talking one, two years.

 

I did go to wallyworld last night & a gal about ran me over with her cart, then it happened again just down the isle & she said; sorry about hit you again. Then when I was looking for a comforter for my bed I got to the end of the isle & there she was again so I just asked; are you stocking me & then laughed. She laughed & said; no I thought you might be stocking me so we chatted for a while & then went our ways. My buddy couldn't believe I didn't ask more & get her number but I said; I am NOT even close to being ready for that stuff.

 

It is funny how I can be happy one day & then something hits me & down I go, but just like everyone says; those down days aren't as often & they don't seem to be as long either. I just keep telling myself; my marriage is over & the sooner I except it the better off I'll be.

 

Thanks everyone for being so supportive, I remember my first post & how much of a basket case I was but it is getting better. I don't like it but I know I'll be a better person because of it & that is all I can do.

[sumdude]

In my heart I do not want to be the one that files even though I know I was not perfect in our relationship & yes I had thoughts of divorce as well. I feel if I do then I am not keeping my word when I said; tell death do us part & she is the one that moved out, she is the one that said she is finished....

 

I can only share my experience. Though I wasn't the one who left I was the one who filed. I found the lawyers, had the sepaeration agreement (settlement) drawn up. etc etc. The whole time my ex was hammering me to get it done... yet I was doing it all. Pulling my hair out trying to read and understand the divorce papers.

 

You know what it makes me think of now?

 

Her saying "You fix this for me!"

 

Her not wanting to take the initiative and responsibility. There was one time before the separatiuon she said we should see a councilor. I made calls but couldn't get an appointment at the time, they never called back... life went on and it slipped by. Yes I could have tried harder... but you know what? If SHE REALLY wanted things to get better and the marriage to work she would have done whatever was necessary instead of expecting me to do all the work while she sat back and blamed the problems as well as putting all the burden of solutions on me.

 

My point is?... That was the pattern of the relationship... all the way to the end. I did more of the hard work... took the responsibility. Though I wasn't without my share of faults in it falling apart, I realize that I almost always carried more than half the burden.

 

So I got the divorce done... because that's what I always did, I actually took care of things. And it also gave me back some control over the process.