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[GreenEyedLady]

I think I have said this before but her biggest thing is she doesn't have her voice in our marriage, she has never been able to tell me what bothers her and she will bottle it up for a long time. .

 

I tried planning dates & activities but after a while the stbxw would say she didn't want to or she had other things going on so again I just stopped asking. Our MC hadn't heard that side & couldn't believe that I didn't think by not asking was hurting our marriage.

 

I guess I'm just a really slow learner because it sounds like everything I've been doing since we got back together is the wrong thing.

 

I guess I need to believe everyone that I will be better off after I get thru the pain of the divorce & that I'll be a happier person.

 

Everything that you've posted here sounds like issues that she, as an individual, needs to work on HERSELF.

 

You cannot find her voice for her.

 

You cannot read her mind.

 

Honestly, your MC needs to get her head on straight because when someone keeps making the effort (you making dates) and the other person continuously rejects the others efforts, that breeds resentment. You did what you could. Your W did not put forth effort. Simply being in the household does not constitute effort.

 

And you didn't do anything wrong. Your W just isn't doing anything.

 

It will take time, but you will be better off. You will find someone who will appreciate your efforts and your loyalty. You will be happy. Just take it a day at a time. You are a good man with a good heart.

 

GEL

[PWSX3]

One thing I have never figured out is she is on meds for depression but I have never thought they have worked but I can't tell her that.

 

I also feel she knows what to tell the MC & her doctor that gives her the meds specially after talking the other day to our MC and what she had to say.

 

There is just no motivation for anything, she bought a bunch of stuff to put on her face to help with wrinkles & she used it for a couple of weeks but then stopped.

 

The MC has given her homework to do & she will look at it and then say; this is just to hard & quits.

 

And for the latest she joined a womans bible study & the other evening she was supposes to do some work in that & she said the same, just quit.

 

I really hope that once we are divorced she can't use me as an excuse & then hopefully she will figure it out & do something about it. She is a good person but she has issues that she needs to address.

 

She has told me it is over & was talking about a apartment on the way home today so I am moving forward as if it is over, nothing else I can do.

[PWSX3]

We both have direct deposit and today I looked to see how much our checks were so I could pay the house payment & hers was not there. I'm off work today so I called her & she said; oh that didn't supposes to take affect until next check (next month).

 

It also sounds like she has two different places she is looking to rent & hopes to be out by the end of the month.

 

Well it's time this kid gets off his arse & starts worrying about himself. She is DONE, a4a we can stick a fork in this one!!!! Here I am still waiting around hoping maybe something will change, trying to "FIX" things as us men do best but there isn't anything to FIX anymore.

 

Here I'm still trying to "FIX" our marriage even though if I really get serious with myself it is over & she is already down the road. Funny I'm still thinking of what could we do & the only thing she is thinking of is; when will I be out of there?

I guess having that Christian background really does affect you down the road, like I have said I know God doesn't believe in divorce but then when you don't have control over it then what do you supposes to do but move on?

 

It would have been nice if she would have worked half as hard on our marriage as she has been getting out of it.

 

Last night I did go tell my folks and they were not surprised. My dad even said he had told my mom just the other day when the stbxw was at the shop that there is something wrong with her.

 

They really like the stbxw, in fact I feel she is closer to my family then her own but they also agree there are things she needs to work on. I guess maybe when you love someone you shut your eyes to a lot of things, but my folks both said they have not seen any changes in the stbxw since we got back together & even before that but they didn't want to butt into my life.

 

A friend at my work was telling me yesterday she likes my stbxw but she said she has a friend that is a lot like the stbxw & she is lazy, doesn't take care of herself & just like the stbxw isn't happy with herself so she said how can someone be happy with life when they aren't happy with themselves? I really hope maybe this is what she will need to better herself but it doesn't sound like it will be.

 

Time to move forward, stop wondering what else I can I do.

[PWSX3]

Yesterday I went and saw a lawyer, had questions I wanted answered & figured this way if things go south I'll have the professional help I'll need.

 

In our state they split everything 50-50. You get a paper from the court (or on line) and start filling out everything you own, how much it is going to cost you to live (kind of like a budget), etc. then the court goes from there.

 

I shared with the stbxw that I went to a lawyer & she got a little upset, said; maybe I should go see one? I explained that I was concerned with some of the things she had been doing & that I was just trying to cover my butt.

 

Then we settled down again & started talking. She would like to file jointly, which would be fine with me because it is cheaper. We talked about the different stuff in the house that we would like to keep, split, etc & I feel we can do it piecefully and fairly.

 

The house is the only issue & she suggested maybe I can look into buying her out or maybe try & sell it. She is pretty flexible about the house because she doesn't want to lose it but she also doesn't want to sell it for less then what it is worth.

 

I also asked her how she can still live with me if she doesn't love me & her reply was; I see you as a friend, she doesn't hate me but she doesn't love me. She said maybe when everything is finished we could still be friends.

 

One time in counseling I was joking with our MC and said; I wish I had the money that we could have a big enough house that I would have my house, her house & a house between we shared & the MC said that wouldn't be such a bad idea.

 

That way we could still enjoy each others company without having to deal with how the other person lives.

 

I also found out if all goes smooth you can be divorced within 3 months so I shared that with my stbxw & she wasn't sure she wanted to file a.s.a.p. as I suggested. She said she wants to make sure that her grieving the death of her best friend isn't fogging her thoughts on us.

 

I guess our MC has asked her many times & in different ways to make sure it isn't interfering and she said it isn't.

 

The lawyer also said it was good that we are civil and if we stay that way things will go so much better.

[PWSX3]

I had emailed a biblical counselor that for me was the last thing I felt would save our marriage.

She replied & so I forwarded it to the stbxw yesterday. Last night I asked her if she read it & she said; no I deleted it, I told you I am finished.

 

So for me that was the last chance I feel our marriage had, I can honestly tell myself I did everything I could have done this time around under the circumstances. I still feel the stbxw didn't give her 100% when we got back together after the separation but that is water under the bridge now.

 

The stbxw told me she got one of the two apartments she was looking at, it is in the town she works in so I won't be seeing her around town here at the stores so that will be a good thing.

 

Last night she was packing some more of her stuff up when me & our son got home so hopefully now she can start moving them out since she has a place.

 

Now I can start moving forward again, the energy I was using to keep our marriage can now be used for me to heal.

 

I know she has moved on, she is a lot farther down the road in the separation part then I am, but it still amazes me how packing & moving isn't effecting her at all.

 

It is like she was my roommate & she found herself a new place to live so she is just moving out. She has no emotions regarding us anymore, just hard for me to believe.

[PWSX3]

Last night me & the stbxw sat down & talked. First time I feel she has really opened up to me. Why is it when things are over you are welling to talk?

 

She explained she feels that I have always put myself first in our relationship. She said I have hurt her in many ways by doing this.

 

She used me & a bike friend for an example, we will text each other & she said that hurt because I didn't text her even though she told me she doesn't know how to use text.

 

She feels when she was growing up that she was always under her dad's thumb & then when we got married she was under my thumb, which is probably true because growing up I was the one that had to make most of the decisions.

 

It really hurt me to hear her talking, really made me feel like I'm a bad person that I made the one person that I loved so unhappy for so many years.

 

She said she was always scared of me but I never hit her or anything like that but I have learned it isn't always hitting that can scare someone in the inside.

 

With each passing day we are getting along less & less. She will be moving this weekend & for now it will be good for both of us.

 

What really bothers me is they say if you get back into another relationship you will find another person similar to the one you left and I don't want to do that. That was one things the stbxw also said; she hopes I don't find another girl like her.......

 

I need to change that person that makes himself first as she explained because that isn't good in any relationship.

 

I did sign up for the divorce care classes at a local church here in town & I hope that will be a good start. I really wished I had the extra money to be able to get more help but at this time I just don't have it so I'll do what I can with what I have.

[Jonesey]

Dude, I feel your pain and hope you can find the strength to be OK. I went through similar situations while my wife packed her things before moving out. She seemed emotionless and it hurt like hell. All i can say is try to be there for her and help out if need be. Do not make things difficult for her to leave if she wants to, this will pay off in the long run. Now, don't be a doormat and let her take advantage of you but just act as if you are in it for her best interest. She feels terrible during this process but is using whatever is motivating her to do it as strength to show no emotion.

 

I hope that you find solace in knowing you are not the only going through these things. If I can help out in any way let me know.

 

J

[GreenEyedLady]

P:

 

She already made her mind up long ago. There's nothing you could do. you have been the best husband you could be. Everything she says is just an excuse.

 

You will find someone who will love you for who you are. You are a good man. Please believe that and move forward knowing you did what you could.

 

Peace be with you.

 

GEL

[PWSX3]

P:

 

She already made her mind up long ago. There's nothing you could do. you have been the best husband you could be. Everything she says is just an excuse.

 

You will find someone who will love you for who you are. You are a good man. Please believe that and move forward knowing you did what you could.

 

Peace be with you.

 

GEL

Thanks GEL,

It is like they say; sometimes we don't know what we have until we lose it. The stbxw does have a good heart, she tries to help everyone. I just hope she will be happy after this because she seems to put a lot of blame on me & without me she should be happy.

 

I do wish her the best, we were married for 26 years so she will always be a part of my life specially since we have a child together.

[ilmw]

Wow.

 

Well my friend, at least you know why she is feeling the way she is? Still I have to ask.... why do people say nothing for so long... let it fester.. until they can't take it any more... and up and leave their spouse??

 

Seems to be a reoccurring theme...

 

As it has been said before.. you are way a head of the game.. but... the gravity of what is and is about to happen has not hit yet.

 

If you are lucky..? Maybe not the best choice of words... but... Hopefully you will be able to bounce back into your own new routine quickly...and get back on track.

 

Keep on posting bud.

 

Ilmw

[PWSX3]

Yesterday the stbxw moved her stuff out. I stayed around until she came back with the moving truck & then I said; it's time to leave.

 

I had a bike ride planned but it was still over an hour before we had to meet so I just rode over to my folks & visited with them until it was time.

 

When I got to the meeting place one of the gals asked me how things were going & I said; well not so bad. She thing explained to me that there was nothing I could do about the situation of stbxw moving out and that we can't tell what tomorrow will bring so just to focus on the "now" what I could do today so she said lets focus on just having a good ride.

 

You know what that really helped me get in a better mind set for the day. On our way back we stopped at a little town & while everyone was getting water I just laid on a bench & watched the clouds rolling over thinking to myself; what a beautiful day, the weather was nice, I was doing something I enjoy with some of the best friends a guy could have. One of the guys came out & saw me laying there and asked if something was wrong & I said; no I was just relaxing & thinking how lucky I am to have such great friends & he agreed, he said it doesn't get any better then this.

 

It even rained on us coming home & that didn't damper my spirits.

 

When I got home the house was a mess, the stbxw just took her stuff & left. She did tell me she would help clean but I just don't know if I want her to help now. It just showed me what I have always thought but just was to scared to do anything about it.

 

She will be back because the fish tank is still here along with a few other items, but I decided to start cleaning anyways. I cleaned her bathroom, the one I couldn't tell her to keep clean because it was her bathroom even though it was the one company would use & I was embarrassed if anyone needed to use it. Then I got most of the living room cleaned up, vacuumed (no she didn't even run the vacuum over the floor before leaving) the floor where the couch used to be and asked the neighbor to help me bring in a recliner chair we had in the shed.

 

Today I plan on doing another ride but then I'll hit the kitchen & dining room area this afternoon. The garage is a mess but that can wait as well.

 

Ilmw, yesterday was an awesome day, I felt so good about everything but I do have a feeling I'll still have my ups & downs specially next week when I come home to a empty house of people & dogs.

 

I am looking forward to the classes in two weeks & moving on. It is pretty quit around here without the stbxw & two dogs & one kid. Our son goes to a private boarding academy and he lives in the dorm, he is a senior this year & last night they had there class scramble so I went to watch but the stbxw wasn't anywhere to be seen.

 

To me that just shows me again how much the family meant to her, she didn't go two years ago when we separated & last year & had to beg her to go. Sure she was tired from moving but this is our sons last year of school & it won't happen again in his life. When I left he gave me a big hug & thanked me for coming, that made me feel good that it meant something to him that I was there.

 

Life moves on & it is our choice to either just set & watch it or get up & do something about it. I' going to try & learn, enjoy myself & then we will see what the future will bring.

[Gunny376]

Go and get yourself another dog.

 

Your on the right path, just stay active and work through the loneliness and pain.

 

You did all you knew to do, and could do?

 

It takes two to make it, but only one to break it.

 

Personally? I don't believe people are meant to spend years and years together.

[PWSX3]

Go and get yourself another dog.

Thanks Gunny but I'll pass for now, getting another dog would just mean more maintenance which I don't need right now.

Your on the right path, just stay active and work through the loneliness and pain.

I hope those classes will help me as well. At least for 13 weeks I'll have something to do on Tuesdays, Wednesdays is bike riding night so there are two evenings already booked up & I do need to get back to the gym with cooler weather just around the corner.

You did all you knew to do, and could do?

The stbxw was telling me that all those fun dates I had planned she felt were just to show off, dates I could say; see what I did. She did seem to always see things in a negative way. When I was telling a friend about that she said she would die to have someone work that hard to do something special for her & couldn't understand how the stbxw figured it was showing off so maybe some of the things I did do are good things but the stbxw didn't see it that way.

It takes two to make it, but only one to break it.

And I'm a good example of that, once the other person makes up there mind there is NOTHING you can do to change it.

Like my dad has always told me; when people would come in & look at cars to buy if the woman liked it then it was a done deal, but if they didn't like it there was a 99% chance they weren't getting a car.

Personally? I don't believe people are meant to spend years and years together.

I wonder this myself especially after seeing all the different things I have done & the changes I have made in my life. How do two people keep that same relationship that they started back when they were teenagers?

 

I will be fine, just getting past this first big hurdle. It does make a person second guess themselves, I do feel like I have failed as a husband, that I failed at my marriage but hopefully those feelings will also pass.

[PWSX3]

WOW there is a lot of stuff you have to change, put in your name, etc. after living with someone for 26 years.

 

Earlier this week I got the life insurance stuff moved from the stbxw to our son.

 

Today I got lucky & was in town during work so I was able to stop by the bank & pay off my half of one of the last bills we had together.

 

I also got a wild idea to change around the dishes in the kitchen since I don't have so many and it looks like they will fit on one side so I'll have one complete cabinet for other stuff.

 

Tonight I'm moving the nick-knack cabinet I built over 20 years ago out into the garage where the stbxw was supposes to have her scrap booking area.

 

She liked having stuff all over, had something on every wall, she gets that from her dad. I only have two pictures up on the wall.

 

I like the clean look, only furniture that you need or use so that is why the move of the nick-knack cabinet. Someday I might even start going thru all the stuff in the cabinet. I used to collect steins and other things & they are all in the cabinet. The stbxw collected salt & pepper shakers so she had half the cabinet so I'll be able to spread stuff around so you can see what is in there.

 

I'm going to keep pushing for her to file, we still want to do a joint file so it doesn't cost as much & less paperwork but if we file next month it takes 90 days for it to be final & that would make a good Christmas present.

 

So far she has been over once to pick up stuff she forgot, and emailed me once & I've only emailed her two times. She still has the fish tank here & is looking for a home for it because she doesn't want it anymore.

 

So far I'm doing very well, not sure why after hearing other peoples stories on here, but I think hearing her say; no I haven't done everything I could have done but I'm finished trying just did something.

[Trimmer]

Today I got lucky...

Hey man, that's great! Wish I could say that...

 

I also got a wild idea to change around the dishes in the kitchen...

Wow, you are really living life on the edge, there. I'm a little worried that you might be taking foolish risks...

 

I'm going to keep pushing for her to file, we still want to do a joint file so it doesn't cost as much & less paperwork but if we file next month it takes 90 days for it to be final & that would make a good Christmas present.

Any reason you don't want to file yourself? Assuming she joins the petition, and you're not going to have any big fights over stuff, it's not that big a deal who files. Like you, I wasn't the one who wanted the divorce, but I did choose to file (and she joined, and it was all very smooth.) I guess it does put the responsibility on you to keep things moving along, like when various court deadlines come up and stuff, but even in the absence of any hostility, it is still empowering - in a personal way - to take control of the process and move it forward yourself...

 

So far I'm doing very well, not sure why after hearing other peoples stories on here, but I think hearing her say; no I haven't done everything I could have done but I'm finished trying just did something.

I felt that way a little bit, too, and I think I realized that in one subtle way, I was lucky. I'm sure that she agonized over her decision for some time (although she didn't share that with me until quite late in the process), and I'm also sure that, being the one to make the unilateral decision to leave, she harbors some confusion and guilt to this day - she has indirectly implied as much in conversations.

 

On the other hand, I had the big decision made for me. Although I was against it, I only had the task of accepting it, and then working to heal from the loss. I don't hold the same guilt or confusion over my actions as she does; I wasn't perfect, but I did my best right up to the end. Her actions were and are confusing, but I have no confusion or anguish over my view of myself, my decisions, or my own actions. And I think that is a very different emotional place from that which the "leaver" occupies.

 

This is not to say that my (or your) pain or loss is any less, or that the work to heal is somehow easy - it wasn't. But my view of myself is pretty "clean", while I wonder if her view of herself is not quite as clear, and that might be a hard thing to recover from.

[PWSX3]

Any reason you don't want to file yourself? Assuming she joins the petition, and you're not going to have any big fights over stuff, it's not that big a deal who files. Like you, I wasn't the one who wanted the divorce, but I did choose to file (and she joined, and it was all very smooth.) I guess it does put the responsibility on you to keep things moving along, like when various court deadlines come up and stuff, but even in the absence of any hostility, it is still empowering - in a personal way - to take control of the process and move it forward yourself...

Since this was her idea I just wanted her to follow thru but if she doesn't do it soon then I will. I am getting a name of a Mediator that one of our customers used & said she was really good & cheaper then most.

 

I felt that way a little bit, too, and I think I realized that in one subtle way, I was lucky. I'm sure that she agonized over her decision for some time (although she didn't share that with me until quite late in the process), and I'm also sure that, being the one to make the unilateral decision to leave, she harbors some confusion and guilt to this day - she has indirectly implied as much in conversations.

 

On the other hand, I had the big decision made for me. Although I was against it, I only had the task of accepting it, and then working to heal from the loss. I don't hold the same guilt or confusion over my actions as she does; I wasn't perfect, but I did my best right up to the end. Her actions were and are confusing, but I have no confusion or anguish over my view of myself, my decisions, or my own actions. And I think that is a very different emotional place from that which the "leaver" occupies.

 

This is not to say that my (or your) pain or loss is any less, or that the work to heal is somehow easy - it wasn't. But my view of myself is pretty "clean", while I wonder if her view of herself is not quite as clear, and that might be a hard thing to recover from.

This is so true, I didn't have any say in it, she said; I'm done I'm finished & there isn't anything I can do but move on.

 

Specially when she said; no she didn't do everything she could have done but wasn't welling to do everything she could to make sure there were no "what if's" but she has to live with those I don't because I feel I was doing everything. No I am not perfect & no I don't have all the answers but I was doing what I felt was right.

[Gunny376]

If in your clear conscious and in your heart of hearts you can honestly say to yourelf that you gave it your all, and truly gave your best ~ then that's all that needs to be said.

[PWSX3]

WOW!

I thought I've been doing pretty good even though the stbxw has only been gone for a week but last night I was going thru some pictures on my computer & found some of her.

 

We had gone up 4-wheeling & I had packed us a nice little picnic. We were getting a little frisky & she took her top off for me & let me take some pictures. I still have a couple of pictures of our family around the house but for some reason this one really made me miss her.

 

Up to now I was doing my thing, changing things around the house to make it my house, getting in a lot of bike riding with my friends but wow did those pictures make me miss her.

 

I just don't understand how someone can admit they didn't do everything they could have done for the marriage but they would rather just give up & walk away.

 

I'm really looking forward to starting those classes this weekend, hopefully they will help me understand some of this craziness and help me move on.

 

I am keeping busy & I don't mind being at home by myself once in a while but I know it is early & it will get old.

[Navin_R_Johnson]

We were getting a little frisky & she took her top off for me & let me take some pictures.

 

Ahh, the "private" pictures. I have a couple thousand of them of the stbx. I think I'll hang on to them for a while...but I have no intention of ever looking at them again. They're truecrypted away safely so they can't be seen by anyone.

[Billy Bob]

We had gone up 4-wheeling & I had packed us a nice little picnic. We were getting a little frisky & she took her top off for me & let me take some pictures.

 

Please e-mail those photos right away to [email protected]

[PWSX3]

Today I called the stbw and we had a good visit. As far as talking like friends we do very well but as husband & wife we don't.

 

I asked her are you sure this is what you want and she said without hesitation; yes it is. She said when she moved out it was like a load was taken off her shoulders.

 

Hearing that really hurt, made me feel like I failed as a husband. Got me down a little today but I need to pick myself up, I don't want to be depressed because of someone Else's feelings even though it is hard to do.

 

I do want her to be happy so I need to let it go. I guess we were just not meant to be together forever.

 

She said she does mess having someone at home to talk to in the evening but that was about it & those feelings will pass.

[Navin_R_Johnson]

I got the same lines. When she moved out for a weekend, she said she felt like she was finally free. Made me feel real good.

 

Now I feel like I'm in control. Let her do all the divorce work. Our child and everyone will know she broke up a family because she "changed her mind" after 15 years. I know I contributed, but I was willing to work on things...to try...especially for the child (the only real loser in all of this).

 

It is her loss. I read here recently something that really put alot in perspective. What have I really lost?

 

1. A wife who cheated.

2. A wife who was not honest.

3. A wife who would not honor her marriage vows (better or worse, til death...)

4. A mother who is willing to give her only child a broken home so she can be happy.

And so on...

 

I've really lost nothing.

[PWSX3]

Yesterday I started taking the 13-week coarse called Divorce Care at a local church.

We have 6 guys & 7 gals in the class & everyone seems pretty nice. The two main teachers are very nice, they make you feel comfortable being there. They also have two other support people that are helping.

 

It is time for me to realize my marriage is over, I need to let go. I have had a very hard struggle with the biblical part of a marriage even though I broke some of that part over 18 years ago by having an affair.

 

There is one gal that sounds like she is in the same situation as the stbxw & so it is really hard to hear what she has to say because it sounds like she is talking to me.

On the other hand it also helps me because it helps me understand why the stbxw has moved out why she feels she needs to start over & I hope by hearing it from someone else that it will help me understand what "I" need to do to change & become a better person.

 

I know the stbxw has probably told me over & over the same thing I am hearing but it just didn't sink in and now that it is sinking in it's to late. Just like one of the helpers was saying; he was also like me but he never did get it until it was to late.

 

It does help to share your story with others that are going thru the same thing.

 

One of the people on the video that you watch said there is no proof but in his 20 plus years he has come to the conclusion that a divorce can take 5 years for a person to get over.

 

It is not a quick fix & for someone such as myself that wants things fixed "now" it is very hard to even think 5 yrs. That is why everyone tells me to take it just one day at a time & I'm really trying to work on that.

 

For me yesterday was a new beginning, as they said in the video it is time to worry about myself, be a little selfish.....

[Billy Bob]

What have I really lost?

 

1. A wife who cheated.

2. A wife who was not honest.

3. A wife who would not honor her marriage vows (better or worse, til death...)

4. A mother who is willing to give her only child a broken home so she can be happy.

And so on...

 

I've really lost nothing.

 

Exactly! Who wants that when there are plenty of keepers in the ocean! Throw back the rotten ones. Shoot my ex-wife decided to split out on her kids.. even worse!

[PWSX3]

How does that saying go?

 

Something about your first wife teaching or training you for your soul mate or second marriage??????

 

I don't remember how it went.