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[PWSX3]

Yesterday since I went into work later then the w (we usually car pool then I ride my bike from her work) I rode my bike to work. It is 26 miles so I usually call her & let her know I made it.

 

When I called her I just said; maybe next year I'll see if my boss will let me come in a hour later so I can ride my bike more often & save myself gas money. First thing she said was; how will that save money when we ride together? Makes me just say Hhhmmmmmm!!!!

 

Yesterday was my best friends one year anniversary for the passing of his mom so I called him late morning just to say; HI! and see how his day was going.

 

Then in the afternoon I called to see if he would like to go for a bike ride? We met at his house in the evening & did a short 20 mile ride & we talked about the w and what is going on.

 

We had set a card on the seat of his Jeep the night before so when we got back I looked to see if he got it & it was still there. I asked if he had driven his Jeep lately & he said; no he had been riding his motorcycle all week so I told him he better go look in it. He found the card & said; thank you very much & he also thanked me for calling him during the day. He said that really made him feel good that someone would remember.

 

He also said the neighbor had brought over a card & cookies and said; she thought today was the anniversary & wanted to share. My buddy didn't know I had told her the date because she had asked me a couple of months ago.

 

Anyway it really felt good to know just a phone call & a card could mean so much to my buddy. I'm glad we were able to go spend time together on a bike ride & a glass of cold milk afterwards.

 

He also reminded me that people grieve different & he knows my w & said she could be taking it very hard so who knows.

[Ladyjane14]

I know you have other issues rather than just the fact that your wife isn't interested in "bike-riding". When you take her lack of interest in your new hobby off the table... what are the other damaging factors? Can they be addressed and resolved?

 

In all the time you've been posting, your wife has been something of a couch potato. Frankly, that might just be 'who she is'. So if it's not good enough for you, maybe you need to be honest about that instead of trying to turn her into something she's not.

 

This grieving that she's doing for her friend sounds like conflict avoidance to me. If she feels that she really can't live up to your expectations... she's going to put off that discussion for as long as possible.

[PWSX3]

LadyJane I just read a post you responded to trying to explain what Gunny had said. I didn't feel it was appropriate to post there so I will here.

 

That is a great example of how me & the w communicate. I tell people how I feel & it gets me into trouble a LOT, seems to be more with the female gender, but I think that is because men don't take things are serious as ladies do and the ladies get hurt easier.

 

Example the other day our bike club was out riding, one of the gals tried riding my sons little bike. Now this is a bike that is only like two feet off the ground & I just said; you sure can hide that seat. I didn't think twice about it, but I guess others (including the guys) and specially the one riding the bike heard it & she saw it as me calling her FAT!!!!

I just meant it is a little bike & she is a big person riding it. Well I was on her sh*t list for a few days until we saw each other again & her husband told me about it then I heard it.

Anyway enough of me showing how stupid I can be with my mouth.

 

The W is like that she doesn't see it like I try to explain it & most of the time will take it in the wrong content, but what hurts me is she isn't (don't know what word to use) strong enough to let me know it has hurt her or that she doesn't understand, instead it will come up months later and then I am like WTF did that come from?????

 

After we got back together it just seemed to be worse. The other day she was mad at me & was explaining how she felt about her friend passing away. I guess I didn't realize how important her friend was to her, she was the friend she went to for everything, the one that helped her find a job, help with important decisions, etc. etc.

 

I am not a mind reader & I really feel she thinks I should already know & that goes for me as well. There are times I feel she should know & I get mad because she doesn't.

 

Yes I have told her this & I have tried to get her to explain & talk but it just doesn't happen.

 

Yes the w is a coach potato, but I don't remember her being that way all the time, so is it the meds, is it just getting older, is it her weight, or does she just not care anymore, or a combo of all?

 

Well today she has been nice so something must be up.

[Mr. Lucky]

Yes the w is a coach potato, but I don't remember her being that way all the time, so is it the meds, is it just getting older, is it her weight, or does she just not care anymore, or a combo of all?

I wonder if you are guilty of over-analyzing, because sometimes it's as simple as this - people grow apart. I'm sure you're a different person than you were 25 years ago, and 25 years from now you'll be different still (but hopefully still on the bike ). There doesn't have to be a bad guy in these situations, just a basic incompatibility that might make you (both) happier apart than together. Something to think about...

 

Mr. Lucky

[PWSX3]

I wonder if you are guilty of over-analyzing, because sometimes it's as simple as this - people grow apart. I'm sure you're a different person than you were 25 years ago, and 25 years from now you'll be different still (but hopefully still on the bike ). There doesn't have to be a bad guy in these situations, just a basic incompatibility that might make you (both) happier apart than together. Something to think about...

 

Mr. Lucky

Yes I know I over analyze things, that is what drives my crazy so much.

 

I also wonder if we are just moving apart. I am trying to get healthier, she could care less. I enjoy being able to run up the stairs while she takes the elevator.

Someone told me a long time ago; if it doesn't directly relate to me, the LET IT GO!! I need to start doing more of that I do believe.

 

And yes I hope I'm still riding the bike in 25 years, there is a guy on our bike forum that turned 80 and rode 84 miles a few days after his birthday.

Very impressive I think.

 

Anyway today she texted me on her way home & asked if I wanted to go to a movie so the three of us went to a movie & had a great time. That is what is so confusing is how we can such a good time & other times don't know if you love someone? :confused:

 

Well I've decided to just wait it out & see what happens, but if she doesn't drop the bomb on me then I am diffidently going to tell her we are going back to MC & getting some things straightened out, she HAS to start telling me when things bother her right a way so I know I'm doing it. We also need to start communicating more, don't expect the other person to assume what we are thinking or what we want.

[Gunny376]

It would seem that communication is a lot of you and the DW's problem.

 

That's a big problem of mine, especially having been a carrer Marine and now back out here in civilian la~la land. I have a lot of mis-commuincations with civilian "pukes" (LOL ). And I'm not talking about with just women, but grown men.

 

And so its something that I've been seriously working on.

 

But, anyhoo? A recently couple of books that would seriously apply to you would be:

 

"When Venus And Mars Collide" by John Gray, PhD.

 

and

 

"Why Men Don't Have A Clue, and Women Need Another Pair Of Shoes!"

 

Despite the title of the last book, its really about cross-gender communicatin and the differences in such.

 

A couple of other books about cross-gendered communication are

 

"GenderSpeak" and "You Just Don't Understand"

 

Should you need the authors name, ISBN numbers let me know and I'll dig through and find them for you.

[PWSX3]

So this weekend a bicycle web site that I belong to had a reunion & it was here in town this year so I rode the century (100 mile) route. Wasn't my favorite ride because there was 18 miles of hill climb without any type of break. Besides that it was fun, I was hoping the W would go to some of the activities in the evening but she wasn't interested in going.

 

I ended up riding 199.3 miles in three days so I was a little sore Monday.

Sorry just wanted to brag just a little, that was a lot of work.

 

The wife & son were SAG drivers. They carried extra food, water, etc. for us at a certain point on the route so we didn't have to carry so much on the bikes, then once everyone passed them they drove up & down making sure everyone was O.K. There was another van doing the same & they did a great job.

 

As for us, I guess we are on hold for now, the anniversary for her friends passing is a couple of weeks. She has been going to our MC and so I called the other day just to ask a couple questions & she was surprised my w hadn't told me some of the things she has been working on & also surprised with some of the things I said she has been doing. I have this feeling she is hiding things from our MC and so she isn't giving her the real story.

 

our son will start school right after that so we will see if she will work on our relationship or use that for a diversion as someone suggested.

[PWSX3]

Well I thought maybe I would be one of the few that made it, but the wife tonight sat down with me & said she is finished.

 

She doesn't have a place or time limit but she does not love me anymore & doesn't want to work on it anymore.

 

It will hurt later but for now I am o.k. with it. I feel I have done everything I could but it just wasn't to be.

[ilmw]

Ahh...man!

 

You have done one heck of a lot of growing.. so you are in a much better place than you were before...

 

But... it still sucks !

 

We are here for you bud.. when you are ready... damn it was months before I came back...

 

ilmw

[PWSX3]

Thanks ilmw, I just hope it is true & there is life after a divorce. I was telling the W we had some good times together & she replied with and some bad times. I guess she held on to them longer then I did.

 

For now I am doing O.K. but once she starts moving out it will be tough.

 

I was telling her the only thing I didn't do is go to a marriage retreat with her, but she didn't seem interested but then she said she didn't remember me asking. Besides that I feel I have done everything I could do.

 

Well I'll stay single for a while, never was single really, dated for two years after high school then we got married so we both kind of went from our parents to being together.

 

Yes I will be back if nothing else just to VENT!!!!!

[Trimmer]

I was telling the W we had some good times together & she replied with and some bad times. I guess she held on to them longer then I did.

Given that the whole marriage-being-over thing is pretty major and final, it's too bad she couldn't have just left it alone without twisting the knife a little bit more with "and some bad times." It sounds like she really is holding on to some things there...

 

I was telling her the only thing I didn't do is go to a marriage retreat with her, but she didn't seem interested but then she said she didn't remember me asking.

Don't think that the scale tipped to one side based on some one little issue or weekend or the fact that you did or didn't do a marriage retreat or something like that.

 

Yes I will be back if nothing else just to VENT!!!!!

We'll be here.

 

I just hope it is true & there is life after a divorce.

Take it from me - there is... My faith in that basic belief was the lifeline - sometimes barely a thread - that got me through some rough times. Trust it.

[PWSX3]

Gunny, hopefully you have some good suggestions on books I can read on getting thru a divorce.

[Gunny376]

Intrensitinly enough, I've never have come across any such books, the closest I could suggest is "The Art Of Living Single" but everything the books suggests? You're already doing.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm not sure what to say.

 

It seems like this decision is something that's been at the back of YOUR mind as well since the two of you got back together. I think maybe in some ways, she was never going to be able to meet your expectations. "Couch potato" meets "bike enthusiast"... and there seemed to be so little middle ground.

Almost like neither one of you could just let the other one be themselves.

 

I'm sorry it came to this though, 'cause I know it's going to be difficult. On a higher note, you both really did put alot of effort and energy into trying to save this thing. Neither of you has anything to be ashamed of at this point. I think acknowledging that might give you a really good basis for parting as friends.

[Billy Bob]

Thanks ilmw, I just hope it is true & there is life after a divorce.

 

Well I'll stay single for a while, never was single really, dated for two years after high school then we got married so we both kind of went from our parents to being together.

 

 

You will be amazed.. I was in a similar situation, married early, pretty much went from mom & dad to wife.. didn't get much single time in-between.

 

I think the last 2 years of being single has been an immense period of personal growth. I dated a lot, met many wonderful women. Your new "single" experiences may reveal to you how disfunctional your marriage was. Unfortunatley when you get married at a young age, you don't have enough experiences to really know what you want from a relationship or partner.

 

My marriage was disfunctional, not horribly so... but we were not right for one another. I'm glad my ex-wife flaked out on me now. I'm now in a very healthy relationship with good communication, great physical intimacy, we share many of the same interests... it all fits so naturally..

 

I had a lot of fun dating. I morphed from being one half of a disfunctional marriage to a healthy, happy single individual.

[PWSX3]

I'm not sure what to say.

 

It seems like this decision is something that's been at the back of YOUR mind as well since the two of you got back together.

Yes is has been at the back of my mind. I just don't feel like she has really worked on our relationship since we got back together.

Since she moved back I have done 99% of everything around the house, wouldn't you think it should be a team effort?

I think maybe in some ways, she was never going to be able to meet your expectations. "Couch potato" meets "bike enthusiast"... and there seemed to be so little middle ground.

Almost like neither one of you could just let the other one be themselves.

Thanks, something to think about. I just want her to be healthy, & being overweight & at our age isn't healthy.

I'm sorry it came to this though, 'cause I know it's going to be difficult. On a higher note, you both really did put alot of effort and energy into trying to save this thing. Neither of you has anything to be ashamed of at this point. I think acknowledging that might give you a really good basis for parting as friends.

Talked to my best friend tonight & he said; it is hard to see what is going on when you are in the situation, but from someone looking in from the outside as he is he feels I need to go ahead with the divorce. He said he doesn't like to see people split but he can see I'm not happy & that I could be a lot more happier.

 

He tried to explain to me how he sees us just going in different directions in our lives & that neither of us are bad people, just not the same as we were when we first got married 26 years ago.

[Ladyjane14]

He tried to explain to me how he sees us just going in different directions in our lives & that neither of us are bad people, just not the same as we were when we first got married 26 years ago.

 

I think your friend is right, hon.

 

Neither of you is a bad person. You just seemed to want different things from the relationship. If you ask me, I think it's completely possible for you two to be the exception to the rule and actually have a good divorce.

 

It's sad, of course. But I think there's enough love still there that if you're both willing to put in the effort... you can come out of this single, but still friends. IOW, you've both EARNED your way out.

 

I don't see her failures as a dearth of character. You've never given me any reason to doubt that she's got a good soul. So, if you're going to part... part in kindness for one another, and in reverence for the good years you shared together.

 

(I don't say that often, I'm more the vindictive sort... so take it and RUN. )

[PWSX3]

I grew up that you are married for life, all my aunts & uncles are still married so I'm really having trouble letting go of the idea of keeping my marriage together.

 

I just read the thread "on the fence" & I can relate a lot to what he is doing.

 

I also see there are many things the w doesn't do to help fill my love bank, yet I still want to make things work.

 

Why am I having trouble just excepting I would probably be better off with the divorce as my buddy has suggested to me?

 

I guess that might be something I need to start working on, figure out what "I" need to do. Maybe it is self esteem, maybe I am scared to be alone.

 

As I read they say marriage is hard work, but should it be that hard? I wouldn't think if you love someone that it shouldn't be that hard. I even talked to a gal at work that said the same thing, but she did give me some good pointers which me & the w don't do at all.

[SingleDad]

PWSX3 - I am feeling so much of the things you are feeling... I do not want a divorce - I see what that life would be like and it is not better..

 

Everyone is telling my to give up trying - I am just going to have more heartache and agony. But I just can't stop thinking about doing everything myself to try to save the marraige. So diffficult to do wiht W moved out and bought her own house.

 

...Feeling for you.

[sumdude]

Dang P... sorry it finally came to this. You haven't seemed to comfortable with things for a while though.

 

I kept hoping things would turn around for you but I suppose that what we've often heard here heard is true... usually once someone is done.. they're done. You may be able to prolong the inevitable but in the end it's the same answer.. and you really gave it everything you could. So head high and chin up.. you done good! Seems like that square peg just wouldn't fit in the round hole no matter what tool you used on it.

[PWSX3]

PWSX3 - I am feeling so much of the things you are feeling... I do not want a divorce - I see what that life would be like and it is not better..

 

Everyone is telling my to give up trying - I am just going to have more heartache and agony. But I just can't stop thinking about doing everything myself to try to save the marraige. So diffficult to do wiht W moved out and bought her own house.

 

...Feeling for you.

I have read some places that one person in a relationship can save a marriage but I think that is far & few between.

Something you have to ask yourself is; would you want to live with someone that really doesn't love you or is just pretending to love you?

 

If my stbxw doesn't love me then I don't want her here and pretend to.

 

Yesterday driving to work for some reason I just cried my eyes out, didn't last long but it really hurt. All day I really thought about things & one of our problems is we never did work hard enough after getting back together on us.

The stbxw was saying; we got back together in May, her friend went into the hospital in June/July and she spent a lot of her time & energy there.

 

I also called our MC and was talking to her, I was telling her I thought I had been doing better, keeping active, doing things around the house & she asked me; how did you think that was making things better?

 

This is what I don't understand, the stbxw didn't want to cook so I started doing all the cooking. I would ask what she wanted for meals & I would get the same answer, "I don't know". So after a while I just got tired of asking & fixed whatever I wanted. Lot of the times she didn't like what I fixed anyway so she wouldn't eat it.

 

I would ask her to do things such as go watch a local singer and since it was just at a drop of a hat & we had just gotten home from work she didn't want to go. I would ask other times & get the same answer so again I just did things on my own or with our son.

 

So my question is; do I supposes to just set around the house like the stbxw does just so we were together?

 

This is something that is really confusing for me, I thought I was doing the right thing, but instead I was pushing us farther apart as the mc told me.

 

Anyway after talking with a co-worker that kind of went thru the same type of thing, I have decided to not even try working things out anymore, just let the stbxw move out, in fact I brought a bunch of boxes home from work so she can start packing.

 

It will be very hard but I have some good supportive friends. Hopefully in a couple of years I'll get better at relationships and then see what happens from there.

 

A friend asked me what the biggest thing I was scared about being alone was & I said; growing old by myself, something I will need to work on.

[SingleDad]

I am in the same place - I have been wanting so bad to save our marriage.

 

But my W is so angry, controlling and disrespectful - this is not the woman I want back...

 

I think I have to give up and really start living my own life without wanting her in it...

 

She is not in her right mind to even want anything to do with me.

[PWSX3]

Last night really sucked, the stbxw started packing up her collection of salt & pepper shakers that she has collected throughout or marriage. It is really strange how she can do this without any emotions.

 

I guess I don't understand how someone can disconnect from a 26 year long marriage. I think I have said this before but her biggest thing is she doesn't have her voice in our marriage, she has never been able to tell me what bothers her and she will bottle it up for a long time. She is still bringing up stuff that happened years ago.

 

Our MC was saying she has been doing a lot better but I haven't seen it so I really believe what she tells the MC is different then real life.

 

I called the MC the other day & was discussing with her how I felt I was doing things I was supposes to do & she said; how did you think that would better your marriage? I wasn't sure what she meant. Around the house I would ask once if the stbxw would do something then if it didn't get done I would just do it myself. Then after a while instead of asking I would just do it because I knew it wouldn't get done.

 

I tried planning dates & activities but after a while the stbxw would say she didn't want to or she had other things going on so again I just stopped asking. Our MC hadn't heard that side & couldn't believe that I didn't think by not asking was hurting our marriage. I guess I'm just a really slow learner because it sounds like everything I've been doing since we got back together is the wrong thing.

 

I have had a few friends tell me just to give up and like LadyJane has suggested maybe we can still be friends afterwards & that we have just drifted in different directions but it is hard to think after 26 years we will be finished.

 

I guess I need to believe everyone that I will be better off after I get thru the pain of the divorce & that I'll be a happier person. Someone also suggested to make a list of why we should stay together & why we should split & the list for splitting do I did it while I was driving in my head & the splitting list seemed longer.

[PWSX3]

This morning a friend called & said they were going riding & I had a half hour to get ready. I have to admit I haven't been riding like I should the last few days so it was really nice to have someone push me.

 

Once I got on the bike it really felt good, it is really good therapy for me, get my mind off things & helps me think.

 

I was talking to one of the other gals that was with us (she has also gone threw a divorce) & she said; sorry to hear the news, but then she also said; you can't just set around because life goes by to fast. That got me thinking about something someone told me WAY BACK when I first got on LS; your partner isn't there to make you happy but to enjoy your happiness with you & that isn't happening anymore, we aren't enjoying each others company.

 

I think I need to go back & re-read my first post, get back to the basics.

 

They are already trying to set me up with other friends of there's & I told them I am not even CLOSE to that stuff, but maybe remember me in a year or two.

[PWSX3]

Talked to our son this evening to see how he is doing & he said for some reason it isn't bothering him as much this time around, he is 18.

 

The stbxw is packing her cloths & said as soon as she finds a place she is out of here.

 

End of a 26yr. marriage. They end!!!