back for another page in life

[2sunny]

Yes Gunny, I'm going to slow it down. Remember that 2x4 you hit me over the head with. I still have that hard head my friend & it takes a while for me to get it!!!....:D

 

I also understand her up bringing has a lot to do with our relationship. She has never been treated in a kind way from her parents who she could never please or do anything right, or from her ex H.

 

I'm not ready to give up & she isn't either. We have been emailing each other & she said she wishes she never brought this up but it's going to help us one way or another.

 

i caution you since you seem to be looking for her upbringing and her prior M for a benchmark of what went wrong.

 

if sex isn't the priority when you see her (which you SHOULD honor since she threw it out there) you will both be in a much clearer position to determine what feelings you may or may not have for each other without the cover up of sex as a substitute for the feelings. pay attention to how you feel about her if you know sex isn't the goal. you will get a truer reading on your feelings. you may find that you don't care for her as the person you thought she was... when you see what she is when you take sex out of the equation. you may also find that you care for her more deeply than you noticed before because certain character traits will be more noticeable as well without the sex as a barrier or mask.

[PWSX3]

Met my G/F at church last night because she comes right from work. I can see the stress in her face & she is so tired.

She again told me she is stressed & still wishes she never brought up that question. She said she is so emotional confused right now.

I just said; I'm proud that you did bring it up because it is something that has bothered you for a while & if you didn't then maybe in a few months you would have just shut down & we would have split.....I thanked her for bringing this out into the open so we can discuss it.

 

We went to our friends party & chatted & played some games & she had fun. When I dropped her off she said; thanks so much for the date, that is what I needed.

It has to be hard being around small kids half the day, go home to another sick child, then work her second job. She has been under a lot of stress so I'm glad going out last night helped.

 

I just dropped her off, gave her a kiss & said good-bye. I didn't even get two blocks away & she texted me saying; thanks again I had a good time.

 

I'm just going to back off, start doing more of my thing again & just wait until she is ready to set down & talk. I asked that when she was ready if we could set & visit to maybe talk about the emails we have sent back & forth this weekend.

 

It's kind of nice, I just prayed & asked God if he would take this burden off my shoulders so I can focus again on what "I" can do which is me. I can't control what will happen & he already knows what will happen & that has helped me so much these last two days.

[imagine]

 

It's kind of nice, I just prayed & asked God if he would take this burden off my shoulders so I can focus again on what "I" can do which is me. I can't control what will happen & he already knows what will happen & that has helped me so much these last two days.

 

God is doing good things in your girlfriends life. Don't stop him. Pray for the same repentance that your g/f is feeling.

 

As your commitment to God becomes closer, so will your relationship with your g/f improve. Dedicate yourself to him through study of his word and meditation. Give yourself time away from your g/f.

 

God bless.

[PWSX3]

God is doing good things in your girlfriends life. Don't stop him. Pray for the same repentance that your g/f is feeling.

 

As your commitment to God becomes closer, so will your relationship with your g/f improve. Dedicate yourself to him through study of his word and meditation. Give yourself time away from your g/f.

 

God bless.

Exactly what I'm going to do.

[PWSX3]

Took the G/F out for a light dinner last night & we had a very good talk. She shared again how she has never been treated so nice by someone, that she doesn't know how to act with such kindness.

 

She said I have done more nice things for her then she has had in a long time. She was always trying to please her mom who she could never do anything right for & I feel that doesn't help when she tries to please me.

 

We both agreed that we don't want to break up & we both want this to work so hopefully that will take pressure off both of us.

 

She also said; I wonder if we should just go back to what we were doing? I said I would like to try your suggestion about sex & just see if we can learn more about each other & if happens again then it happens but just don't give up & go back to what we had.

 

She is going to try & adjust to fill my love bank, & I'm going to do the same for her.

 

We ended on a very good note, took her home & even watched TV for a while.

[PWSX3]

Well after a year & two months, the G/F broke it off with me yesterday. Said she can't handle the drama, making a living & caring for her boys are priority & she doesn't have the time to date.

 

Time to learn, heal, & move on for me. I will always care for her but I guess we were just to different people. I was her first date after her divorce of 20 years & she even said one time that she dated me just to see if she still had it, didn't think anyone would care for her again & figured she would be a nun for the rest of her life. Well maybe she will get her wish now..

[Nomad1]

I am sorry, but being the sceptic that I am, I think that something is not quite right. With all respect, I don't think that god was on her mind when she talked about the 'no sex' bit! Probably a lay priest somewhere :-). You've got to laugh! If a woman is into you, you would never have such a talk! But hey, ;life is simple. People complicate it by bringing god into it! People who preach about god are not to be trusted. I hasten to add that this is not directed at you PWSX3. From what I have read over the past couple of years, you sound like a decent bloke. Just chill...no need for commitment.

 

I don't think you have to learn anything! You have done sooo much learning over the past few years. There are lots of women who would be prepared to do the learning. You just chill and enjoy.

 

Take care man

 

Nomad1

[soheartbroken]

Sorry to hear the news, PWSX3.

[dgiirl]

Well after a year & two months, the G/F broke it off with me yesterday. Said she can't handle the drama, making a living & caring for her boys are priority & she doesn't have the time to date.

 

Time to learn, heal, & move on for me. I will always care for her but I guess we were just to different people. I was her first date after her divorce of 20 years & she even said one time that she dated me just to see if she still had it, didn't think anyone would care for her again & figured she would be a nun for the rest of her life. Well maybe she will get her wish now..

 

Aww, sorry to hear the news PW! But don't let it get you down! You have learned quite a bit in the last few years. You had a successful post-marriage relationship for a year and got your toes wet! And I'm sure you learned a lot about yourself during the process. All in all, it was a good experience and now you can meet other new people who will also teach you more about yourself and life. Enjoy your freedom! Go out and have some fun

[PWSX3]

I sent her an email this morning & while I was typing it did make me shed a few tears so I did care for her....

 

I also had plans to take her to a concert tomorrow evening, but now I was able to give that ticket to the gal I went out with last night....

 

Don't worry, I'm not jumping from one to another, but this gal is in my bible study class & we never get to just visit & I wanted to know her story so we had planned last week to go out last night.

 

I told her last week we were going (my son & a co-worker are also going) and she said she was jealous. So when the ticket came available I asked & I couldn't believe how excited she got. She enjoys hiking & I've heard her stories so I know she goes, not like my former G/F said she hiked. She has a great looking body so I figure if we hang out as friends, I can enjoy the hugs (oh she loves my hugs) the chatting, etc.

 

I'm going to try & just hang out not really date, but I thought that when I met my former G/F.

 

Today was hard but not near as bad as when the Former wife left. Thanks everyone for the support, I will be fine.

[Nomad1]

Hey PW, you don't waste any time do you? You have already worked out the digits of her body by the sound of things. This is a deja vue! About a year ago you were talking about your ex G/F in similar terms! But hopefully, this one will have even happier endings. I bet your ex G/f might change her mind now! I mean she will think he really doesn't mess about! That is the spirit! Enjoy life and stay as good as you are.

 

Cheers

 

Nomad1

[PWSX3]

Hey PW, you don't waste any time do you? You have already worked out the digits of her body by the sound of things. This is a deja vue! About a year ago you were talking about your ex G/F in similar terms! But hopefully, this one will have even happier endings. I bet your ex G/f might change her mind now! I mean she will think he really doesn't mess about! That is the spirit! Enjoy life and stay as good as you are.

 

Cheers

 

Nomad1

I'm just a people watcher & so I notice things like that. This one I want just as a friend, I'm taking some time to figure me out. I don't want to spend as much time as Gunny has though.:laugh::laugh:

 

I had to pick up some stuff at her place tonight. Texted & asked her to put it out on the porch. She said just walk in & I'll give it to you. I replied; have one of the boys stand out with it. When I drove up she met me in the garage. I just picked it up, put it in my car & left. She said; have a good time in class but I didn't even reply.

 

The reason I wanted the stuff outside was so I didn't have to see or talk to her.:rolleyes:

 

I'm going no contact, no reason to need to talk. She wanted me to set by her at church, that's not happening either. My counselor just said; what? Does she want her cake & eat it too?????

She wants to be done we are done, but I'm afraid I'll hear from her again before it's over.

[Gunny376]

"You have learned well Grasshopper! Take the pebble from my hand!"

 

As I told you so many, many,........................many years ago? You build up a sort of immunity to all of this "junk" along with your self confidence. Its like, "If you don't want me? Then I'll go find someone that will!"

 

There are more 'good old girls' than there are 'good old boys' from the jumping off point. Factor in the users, abusers, the drunks, the druggies, the ones going to prison, the ones just getting out of prison, etc. Its not so much if you've still got it, its if you can even find a so-called "good man?"

 

Of course that doesn't apply to to many of the ladies here at LS, as they "walk their post from flank to flank and don't take anything off of any rank!"

[LisaUk]

Hi PW

 

Sorry to hear your news, that's got to be tough after a year and so much investment emotionally.

 

I am sorry, but being the sceptic that I am, I think that something is not quite right. With all respect, I don't think that god was on her mind when she talked about the 'no sex' bit! Probably a lay priest somewhere :-). You've got to laugh! If a woman is into you, you would never have such a talk! But hey, ;life is simple. People complicate it by bringing god into it! People who preach about god are not to be trusted. I hasten to add that this is not directed at you PWSX3. From what I have read over the past couple of years, you sound like a decent bloke. Just chill...no need for commitment.

 

I don't think you have to learn anything! You have done sooo much learning over the past few years. There are lots of women who would be prepared to do the learning. You just chill and enjoy.

 

Take care man

 

Nomad1

 

Sorry Nomad but I have to disagree with you here. Fact is I have only ever slept with my ex and that was only b/c I truely beleived we would marry. IF and when I do meet someone again I won't be having sex until we are married, no matter how into the guy I am. If he loves me, he will respect my beleifs, if not, he's not the right man for me and it's his loss.

[PWSX3]

Hi PW

 

Sorry Nomad but I have to disagree with you here. Fact is I have only ever slept with my ex and that was only b/c I truely beleived we would marry. IF and when I do meet someone again I won't be having sex until we are married, no matter how into the guy I am. If he loves me, he will respect my beleifs, if not, he's not the right man for me and it's his loss.

Lisa I have to agree, I think sex gets in the way of building a good foundation. I know people will disagree & in fact I question it myself.

 

The reason I question it is; what if you get married & you are so different in that department? I know me & my G/F were & we struggled with that. I was lot more open & she was the type to do it one way in the bedroom & triple lock the door!!!!!

 

I guess if you are connected in the way God intends for us to be then He can make the other work.

 

I also believe that sex can't be the foundation of a relationship & I wonder if that is what happened to us? Not if it was right or wrong to do, but the difference of our views on sex.....

 

I hope I can do the same as you with my next one, but it is SO HARD to do. We told each other we wouldn't do it & after 3 months we broke down.

 

Today has been a rough one, I thought I would do fine, but I'm starting the feelings, the anger, the tears, etc....I am just thankful I have good friends around me this time to support me.

 

I've had two people tell me they feel I could do better, that she wasn't spunky enough for me, & the other said; she still needs to work on some issues from her past, so that gave me some comfort, doesn't mean it gets rid of the hurt, that goes away in a process as we all know.

 

I also feel that because I have worked to better myself & she just reads the books & says; ok I know it now that we were in different places in our healing.

 

I'm cleaning house, keeping busy then this evening going out to the concert so that will be a lot of fun and take my mind off things, specially since me & my son have two nice looking ladies going with us.

[LisaUk]

Hi PW

 

I struggle with the idea that the mention, about being different in a sexual sense, as well. But then a Christian friend on my course, who got married to her BF of 5 years last summer aged 21 who both married as virgins, said to me that marriage is work and sex is no different, if you are different it is just something to work on and it will improve in time, just as any other realtionship problem. That struck a cord with me, b/c she is right, provided you know person and have discussed sexual preferances, so you don't get a huge shock like a fetish or something! and you love each other, you will have enough care for each other to work it out. At least that's what I hope, like I said I struggle with it as well.

 

PW it was bound to be difficult, you obviously had feelings for her, you were together a year and also this may bring up issues of rejection again. You just need to keep reminding yourself that you were both getting to know each other, maybe there was an element of rebound in it for her (from what you have said, the things about she wanted to see if she still had it), that doesn't mean she didn't have feelings for you, just maybe there was more at work in the dymanmics of your relationship than you were aware. Perhaps the two of you really just aren't compatibile, or maybe she is a bit affraid of how close you were getting b/c she has issues form the hurt of her D like a pre-emptive strike, you just don't know, but don't think for one moment this is a reflection on you as a person.

[PWSX3]

Thanks Lisa, I do agree & no I don't doubt my part at all. I just need to work at loving someone for who they are, don't even try to change them if it's for the better.

 

Someone else told me; don't just settle & I believe I was, just happy to be with someone again, that won't happen again!!!!!

 

I did so much for her that she never had done before for her such as opening car doors, giving her flowers just because I wanted too, etc.

 

On a positive side, I've lost my appetite so maybe I'll lose a few pounds to help with the bike riding....:D

[dgiirl]

IF and when I do meet someone again I won't be having sex until we are married, no matter how into the guy I am. If he loves me, he will respect my beleifs, if not, he's not the right man for me and it's his loss.

 

I think the issue was, she decided to have sex and then pulled back. If you believe in no sex before marriage, that is respectable and more power to you. However, a person who truly does not believe in sex before marriage, won't have sex before marriage! If you choose to, then don't bring out the "god" card when you want to stop having sex because your feelings have changed or because you feel guilty. That's dishonest.

 

PW, from what you have described, I do think she has unresolved baggage from her past and I don't think she was ready to date. I also think her feelings started to change for you, and that is why she wanted to revert back to no sex and she didn't want you to give her so much attention and gifts. I don't think it had anything to do with god, but it was an escape route for her instead of being honest with you (and perhaps herself). How can a man argue with that without sounding sex hungry?

 

It's not a reflection on you! Feelings change, especially around the one year mark. And she might not have even realized what she was feeling, and thus the mixed signals she was giving you. If you want to read more, there's an interesting book called "Decoupling". It talks about the signs of how a relationship starts to break apart, how one partner starts to pull away subconsciously in hopes of making the relationship better, but in turn, pulls the couple further and further apart.. Very interesting read, but not an easy one if you are heartbroken.

 

You seem to be doing well. You know the drill. Keep busy and don't let life pass you by! You are already stepping up to the plate by inviting some new friends and going out to a concert! Be proud of yourself!

[PWSX3]

It's amazing, this morning I was down feeling sad because of the breakup, this evening at the concert having the time of my life. My one friend had never been to a concert & she had a blast. We were arm in arm dancing & singing at the top of our lungs.

 

Only bad part is I did at one time wish the former G/F was their because I know she would have had fun, then my friend put her arm around me & started swaying back & forth singing. That took my mind off the former G/F pretty fast because I know that isn't something she would have ever done.

 

I've had so many people share with me how I've been working on myself & she hasn't. I've heard from more then one that I can do better, I was just settling.

 

I so much enjoyed my evening with my friend, she is a lot of fun, good looking & enjoys having a good time.

 

Now we will see what my feelings are like tomorrow, but I'll do my best to think of this evening if they bad ones come. Oh did I share that she LOVES hugs???? Yes hugs are great for the soul.......

[PWSX3]

Just to share the second time isn't any more fun then the first but it is easier. I am having the same up & down feelings with the G/F breakup but it is different.

Not sure if it's because I honestly believe I didn't put 100% into it, I can see that I did hold back. Or if its because I've been threw it once & so you have an idea of what to except but that doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt.

 

I don't regret getting involved with another person so soon after my divorce, but I now see why they say you shouldn't do it.

 

It makes it hard to do some of the grieving you need to do, it is comforting & covers up things you need to work on.

 

I am also in a lot better place & I've really grown up (even at 49:eek:) since the divorce & I feel that will also help me get threw this.

 

She is still my friend on FB & I have been considering deleting her just because some of the things she will posts hits close to home & I really feel pain because of it. Figure I'll give it the weekend & see what happens.

 

Besides that I'm doing well, still learning & growing & this is just another learning curve in life.

[2.50 a gallon]

Don't blame yourself for jumping in to a new relationship too soon after your divorce. I know common wisdom is to wait awhile. The problem is you never know when the right one comes along. It might be tomorrow, it might be years.

 

For me it took about 15 years, but that was my doing, as I was afraid and stubbornly refused to let myself be weak and fall in love again. Part of it was my pride, I was a rock and never would show loving emotions again. Now looking back, there were a couple that I ran from that maybe I shouldn't have. No big regrets, but it is something I don't think about.

[dgiirl]

She is still my friend on FB & I have been considering deleting her just because some of the things she will posts hits close to home & I really feel pain because of it. Figure I'll give it the weekend & see what happens.

 

Besides that I'm doing well, still learning & growing & this is just another learning curve in life.

 

Depending on how you feel, you might reconsider removing her from your account. I know rejection hurts but you never know. She might become a really good friend of yours in a few months/year. I don't think she was ever deliberately dishonest with you and it sounds like the breakup was done with as much respect and maturity as possible. Breakups are never fun, but you have to give credit where credit is due. Not all relationships are meant to last forever and everyone has a right to end it when they please. It hurts but if the shoes were reversed, you would want that right too. The only thing left is how the person decides to end it and what happens after the breakup. If both parties remain sensitive to each others feelings and do not deliberately go out to hurt or make the other jealous, then a friendship might be possible. But it also depends on your own feelings. If you are in love with her, then it might be impossible to keep a friendship. But if you were not there just yet, then give it some time and your feelings might be able to put her back into the "friend zone", especially if you keep going out with new friends. Just try to be sensitive to that, and don't try to rub it in her face either. Both parties have to be mature.

[FeelingLonely98]

PWSX3 - Sorry about your recent break-up ... It sounds like YOU were a rebound guy for your ex-GF. Please make absolutely this new girl is not a rebound for you. Rebounds rarely work out. Sounds like you really dig her though and that you are being cautious - just "hanging out", etc.,

 

p.s., I dated a really cool sexy girl for about a year when I was about 20 - and the only reason I got "in" with her was because of an extra ticket to see a sold-out Journey concert!

 

All the best!!!

[PWSX3]

Depending on how you feel, you might reconsider removing her from your account. I know rejection hurts but you never know. She might become a really good friend of yours in a few months/year. I don't think she was ever deliberately dishonest with you and it sounds like the breakup was done with as much respect and maturity as possible. Breakups are never fun, but you have to give credit where credit is due. Not all relationships are meant to last forever and everyone has a right to end it when they please. It hurts but if the shoes were reversed, you would want that right too. The only thing left is how the person decides to end it and what happens after the breakup. If both parties remain sensitive to each others feelings and do not deliberately go out to hurt or make the other jealous, then a friendship might be possible. But it also depends on your own feelings. If you are in love with her, then it might be impossible to keep a friendship. But if you were not there just yet, then give it some time and your feelings might be able to put her back into the "friend zone", especially if you keep going out with new friends. Just try to be sensitive to that, and don't try to rub it in her face either. Both parties have to be mature.

Dgiirl again you are dead on with you words. The more I set back & look at it the more I have to thank her for having the courage to do what she did. I can see that I should have done it long before now but just didn't have the balls to do it, or maybe we should have sat down together & said; sorry but this just isn't going to work out, it's no ones fault, we are just different.

I just have a hard time being honest with myself, I always want something to work even if it wasn't meant to be. I was still in the relationship for all the wrong reasons.

 

I know this sounds VERY crazy, but can a person check out of a relationship but still keep trying to make it work??? That is what I feel like I was doing. I knew it wasn't right but still kept trying to keep it together. :confused:

 

At this time I just can't be "friends" with her, just need to give myself some space, but who knows down the road, don't want to look that far ahead but it could be possible.

 

As for the friendship on FB, I'll just leave it this week & see, but I see her posting stuff that is directly directed to me. She says how she is keeping busy with walks with her boy, or going to the gym, same things we tried to do but she didn't have the time.

 

The ironic thing about this whole things is; she dumped me on the anniversary of my divorce. Makes it easy for me to remember. :laugh:

 

PWSX3 - Sorry about your recent break-up ... It sounds like YOU were a rebound guy for your ex-GF. Please make absolutely this new girl is not a rebound for you. Rebounds rarely work out. Sounds like you really dig her though and that you are being cautious - just "hanging out", etc.,

 

p.s., I dated a really cool sexy girl for about a year when I was about 20 - and the only reason I got "in" with her was because of an extra ticket to see a sold-out Journey concert!

 

All the best!!!

I think we were rebounds for each other, we both wanted to know if we still had it.

No this new gal is someone I really do enjoy, we have much more in common & I can see the differences between the two.

I really want it to be a friendship, I don't want to do anything that is so called a "date" because it just misses things up. Just like last night we went to a party, met there & left in separate vehicles. Just hung out & learned a little more about each other.

 

That is funny that is was a concert you went to & this girl is also cool & sexy. :love:

 

I did ask her if she wanted to go do a social bike ride with me in three weeks. She declined because it's been so long since she has ridden, but she did suggest that she drive the hour plus trip just to hang out at the BBQ & meet my bike friends after the ride. Now that is the type of partner I would like, someone that can say no, yet still share another option that might work, never got that before.

[PWSX3]

WOW!!!

I almost forgot, it's been a year on the 6th that I've been divorced. Ironic thing is, that is the same date the G/F decided to break it off.

 

I did send her an email, THANKS DGIIRL.

I let her know I understand now that breaking up had to be very hard for her, that I didn't want her to feel bad, that I believe it is the best for the two of us. She was always worried about hurting me.

 

I also let her know I would like to be friends with her, but I just don't know how. I will try my best to be nice when I do see her. I know this last week at church she sat in the back in the same place she always has, so I happened to meet a friend outside & she invited me to set with her so we sat down closer to the front.

 

Dgiirl, you really gave me some things to think about as always & I do appreciate it.