back for another page in life

[Auroracoladybug]

PW obviously I live in A town LOL glad to know that I am not the only one in the middle anymore...

 

I am not proud of many of the things I did but I never did any of them to hurt J. I struggle mostly with where in the world did he go...I would have done anything for him and to make "us" better and that is why I wanted MC and him to come home...he has effectivly dumped his wife and son to be 18 and single again...I hope he enjoys it because I am taking on the responsibilites and I will be so much better off...like you I see it and can deal with it...definitely hurts still (I don't have the most confidence in finding someone else...hell I work and get the baby...where in the world will I meet someone)

 

and for our sons sake I hope some day we will be friends again

[PWSX3]

PW obviously I live in A town LOL glad to know that I am not the only one in the middle anymore...

 

I am not proud of many of the things I did but I never did any of them to hurt J. I struggle mostly with where in the world did he go...I would have done anything for him and to make "us" better and that is why I wanted MC and him to come home...he has effectivly dumped his wife and son to be 18 and single again...I hope he enjoys it because I am taking on the responsibilites and I will be so much better off...like you I see it and can deal with it...definitely hurts still (I don't have the most confidence in finding someone else...hell I work and get the baby...where in the world will I meet someone)

 

and for our sons sake I hope some day we will be friends again

First I want to applaud you for being the adult & mom in this situation & understanding your son comes first.

My G/F has two boys & the 9 yr. old struggles sometimes. He really misses his dad & it is hard on him. Today I guess he was having trouble in school so the G/F went to check on him & they both talked to the counselor & the 9 yr old said; I feel my dad doesn't love me....

 

It is really hard for kids and especially when there dad's/mom's don't care and aren't in there lives. My G/F's former H lives in another state & took the 9 yr old for two weeks over the 4th of July and hadn't called since he has been back. In the 6 months we have dated that was the first time he took him. The older boy (19) doesn't want anything to do with his dad.

 

As for you finding someone, I wouldn't put that at the top of your list. I wasn't looking for anyone & I'll tell you it takes a lot of effort dating. I feel part of it is because you do get reminded (good & bad) of your former spouse & when it is the bad it really makes you think at least it has for me.

 

I suggest just keep working at becoming a better person, rase your son & when it is time someone will come around. The more you work the stronger person you will be and you will learn what you can & can't put up with.

 

In the classes I have taken they really push being friends with your spouse when there are kids involved, but sometimes you don't have that choice. It's been a year for me & I'm just now starting to except that I could be friends with my former spouse. We did invite her to my folks 50th wedding anniversary a couple weeks ago but it also makes it uncomfortable for my new G/F having her there.

 

I wish you the best, just always take the high road & do what is right even if you don't feel like it sometimes.

[PWSX3]

You might also want to check out divorce care & see if any churches in your area teach the classes. I really found it helpful, plus you meet people in the same situation as yourself.

 

They also have what is called DC4 for kids. Not sure how old your boy is, but I know the G/F's 9 yr. old really enjoyed it.

[PWSX3]

The G/F is getting more kids signed up for her pre-school class so she's excited.

Both her boys started school and have homework so it's getting hard to find the time to be together so I brought my bike home from my folks garage & time to start riding & getting back to the gym. Haven't done either one for over two months & I can feel it.

 

Funny how quick we can get into the old rut & stop doing the things that helped us get thru this miss.

 

My boy was visiting his buddy tonight so I text the G/F to see if she wanted to come over for adult time & she said; she had work to do to get ready for pre-school in two weeks, so I guess our priorities are different.

 

me, I can always make time for adult time!!!!

[Auroracoladybug]

PW your such a good guy my baby is only 2 so no need for DC4...I am not much of a church goer since I started working Sundays a couple of years ago (yes I know I can go on any night pretty much)...I may try to find a church but I have a very different background as far as religions...enjoy your bike rides and I hope you get your adult time LOL and time with the kids too...I wish for you the best!

[PWSX3]

For those that wonder; when do you get your stbxw or ex out of your head????

 

It has been a year since the former wife moved out, 5 months since the divorce was final and last night I had a dream about the former wife. It was a good dream, things we used to do together that were fun so it does make you wonder how someone could do what they did?????

 

Seems like the one that gets left will always see the good side of the marriage even though I have learned there was bad in the marriage & I have learned it wasn't just me (even though she tried to make it sound that way) that brought on the divorce.

 

I do feel the one that leaves doesn't see the good, just the bad that they have built up in there mind due to TV, books, friends, etc. that show them the white picket fence, the two new cars, the love scenes, etc. etc.....

 

I know the experts say your dreams mean things but I have no what it could mean.

I just know when you think you are down the road far enough something jumps out at you & reminds you again of the situation, but I am at a place that I can deal with it & it doesn't bother me near as bad as it did 6 months ago.....

 

So hang in there, keep learning, keep reading & it just helps make "your" life much better.

[LisaUk]

Hi PW

 

Thanks for posting that. I think because your w was a part of your life for such a long time, you were together longer than you were without her in your life, same as me and my ex, that your mind will remember her form time to time. How could you not be reminded or not dream of her sometimes, people still have dreams about childhood! I don't think it MEANS anything in a bad way, just that you loved her and she was a massive part of your life.

 

It's interesting that you say the left remember the good things, I don't seem able to remember any of the good memories, just the way he left. I hope they come back to me and that I will be able to deal with them, I would like to be able to remember otherwise it was all a waste? Trouble is, he lied to me so much (I know now) that I can't trust any that come to me-he's stolen my memories if that makes sense?!

[2.50 a gallon]

For what it is worth, it is likely that you will have similar dreams for many more years to come.

For me it has been neigh on 25 years, and I have had similar dreams several times.

I am not into analyzing dreams, but I think they serve a purpose in that they are a reminder of where we have been. The nightmare part is when you wake up and you are all alone. A refresher course of the lost love pain.

One of them actually set me straight, as made me realize that the relationship I was at the time, would never produce the depth of feeling that I needed to be life long sustaining.

The last one I had was several years back and in this case it reaffirmed that I had reached that high level of deep love with my present GF. It was a great comfort to awaken to find myself in a world of real love and made me appreciate my GF and what we have that much more.

[PWSX3]

For what it is worth, it is likely that you will have similar dreams for many more years to come.

For me it has been neigh on 25 years, and I have had similar dreams several times.

I am not into analyzing dreams, but I think they serve a purpose in that they are a reminder of where we have been. The nightmare part is when you wake up and you are all alone. A refresher course of the lost love pain.

One of them actually set me straight, as made me realize that the relationship I was at the time, would never produce the depth of feeling that I needed to be life long sustaining.

The last one I had was several years back and in this case it reaffirmed that I had reached that high level of deep love with my present GF. It was a great comfort to awaken to find myself in a world of real love and made me appreciate my GF and what we have that much more.

Thanks, I wonder if maybe this is what it was doing. Even though my G/F & I get along, I wonder sometimes if this is really the right one?

We do have a lot in common but the more we are together the more it seems we are different.

[sumdude]

For those that wonder; when do you get your stbxw or ex out of your head????

 

It has been a year since the former wife moved out, 5 months since the divorce was final and last night I had a dream about the former wife. It was a good dream, things we used to do together that were fun so it does make you wonder how someone could do what they did?????

 

 

Hiya P, not sure if you ever get them completely out of your head or heart. When you've been in a deep relationship with someone they're too much a part of life to ever just leave your mind completely.

 

Been two 1/2 years since the sep and 2 years since the D was final. Yet the last couple weeks the ex has creeped into my thoughts. Might have something to do with my last little relationship ending kind of bringing those same feelings to the surface.

[PWSX3]

Thanks Sumdude and it's good to hear from you!!!!

 

Maybe it's just I'm going thru a rough spot with the G/F right now, our lives are busy & we don't seem to be able to find the time to spend together like we were this summer. Just can't put my finger on it just yet....

[Surfer Girl]

Triggers.... ususally happens with a break up.... discontent in your life..... you will never forget.. and may get those memories... but in reality that is all it is memories....you know you have moved on and don't want to go back.... History and the connection of someone doesn't always go away,,,, but with time the reality of it all is you know it is over with ex....

[dgiirl]

I still dream about my ex from time to time. I usually dont have good memory dreams. This past weekend, I had a dream about meeting him, his mistress, and their child. I was really nice to their child, but told them both off in my dreams. I woke up with some tears in my eyes. The worst part is I was sleeping next to my bf. I woke up and left the room before he could notice.

 

I think the dream was brought on because I went out with a couple I know, and the guy's daughter from a previous marriage. I bonded with the little girl and worried about how she was dealing with her parents divorce.

 

I dont think the dreams will ever completely stop. Your wife and my husband played a significant role in our lives for a long time. You are not going to completely forget that. Just the dreams wont be as frequent.

[PWSX3]

well I guess I'm in good company then with having the dreams.

 

Time to get back on the trail & keep moving forward, that was an exciting little side path.

[PWSX3]

Me & my son went camping this weekend with the G/F & her two boys, had a great time even if things didn't go as we were hoping or planned, but it showed me how she adjusted & it also helped me learn to adjust...

 

Ended up she had to come back early today so the rest of us decided to do the same. At church they started a 5 week series this weekend that I really wanted to attend so it all worked out.

 

Something the pastor had in his notes today was from Neal Clark Warren.

Your choice of whom to marry is more crucial than everything else combined you will ever do to make your marriage succeed.

 

The sermon was based off 5 reasons marriage can wreck your life if you.....

 

1) Get married too quickly

2) Get married too young The suggestion was wait until you are 28yrs old & the odds are better you will stay married.

3) Get married when you are to eager

4) get married when you are too unfamiliar with each other. (Get to know the person)

5) Get married when you are to dissimilar from each other.

 

Two reasons I posted this. 1) Lot of us feel we need to get back into a relationship, we need to feel wanted, loved. We are afraid of what being single really is like. People here that are single tell us all the time it is good, but we haven't been there so it's hard to except what they say.

2) Most of us will get married again and some of this hit home for me. One for example was; being to eager. When I needed to find a place me & the G/F seriously thought about moving in with each other, but we didn't & I'm glad we didn't....We all need our own place for a while after a divorce. We need to learn to love ourselves first before we can love someone else. We have to be happy with ourselves before we can be happy with someone else.

 

I know this list and topic today was for those first time marriages, but it also might give those looking down the road at marriage something to also keep in mind.

 

I'm looking forward to the next few weeks, as Gunny has said before; we can never learn enough about relationships so I'm doing my best to learn, live & someday share that knowledge with someone else. The stronger we are in ourselves the better we will do in picking a spouse that will last.

[PWSX3]

Just wanted to share something that happened Friday, just so you know even when things are going good that those little feelings can slip into your mind & throw you for a loop.....

 

Friday I had to do a different route which was no big deal. I did the route & on my way back to the warehouse it hit me.

 

When me & the former wife were trying to get back together I would stop & buy lunch for the two of us & stop at your work & eat with her.

 

Just like that it brought back those memories of how I was trying yet she was just working on her next exit in our marriage. The reason I feel I had this is because now I look back & I see how when I was trying to work on our marriage she was finding excuses not to. At first she thought it was nice I did it, but then she would come up with excuses, oh it's to early to eat, oh I can't get off for lunch right now, etc. etc......

 

Sometimes we see these backslides as a bad thing, but maybe it is to help us see our situation better, to be able to understand better now that we are farther along in the process.

 

I suggest don't use a backslide always as a bad thing. Maybe it is to look at a situation & maybe take a different path then what we are on or we did. I know for some that are just starting out it is very hard to understand we can live without that other person but once you realize that then the fun begins, you can see more positive....

 

Just like last night trippi1432 was sad because she had to eat by herself & be at home by herself.

Don't look at it that way, but it's an opportunity to be able to choice what food you want, be able to watch the TV show you want to, if you want to watch TV in your underwear you can.....Don't worry about the other person because then they have control over you & your feelings...

 

It does make me sad to see so many marriages failing, but when there are two people with two ideas, thoughts, ideas, it can happen.

 

 

[Auroracoladybug]

Good post PW good to hear the optimism and thoughts...I moved in another roommate yesterday and I was thinking how frustrating that my house is not my own and I don't have just what I want in it...then I humbled myself and thought...what an opportunity to help others and spend time getting to know others...yeah it is odd but I enjoy having the house that can accomodate others...

[PWSX3]

WOW, hate it when you go to church & you get that feeling the sermon is preached for you....

 

Today was the start of a new series called; Say What?

And the topic today was Creating a life of love.

 

Boy did it hit home for me, made the tears come to my eyes, but I wasn't the only man having that problem, there were many men wiping there eyes.

 

The one thing he shared was; words without love= noise

 

The package of love

55% is visual

38% is tone of voice

7% is words

 

The problem with love

When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. 1 Cor. 13:11

 

He said this is how a child thinks;

a: all about me

b: reactive

c: win/lose

Childish love is; transactional

grown-up love is; supernatural

 

I can see that me & my former wife hadn't grown up, we got married two years after high school & so we hadn't grown up.

I also can see that it was all about me, & I saw things as a win/loose. I would do something for her if I got something in return, I would be nice if she would be nice to me, etc. etc.......I also see that she was selfish in her own way, tried to control by different tactics.

 

He also said that if most people look back in there marriage the reason it didn't work is because one or both spouses didn't grow up & I have to agree at least in my situation.

 

Now I'm trying to grow, learn & be a much better B/F for my G/F so we can make this relationship work.

 

One of the guys in my men's group this week said; I have one more marriage in me but I don't have another divorce & that is how I also feel....

[floridapad]

PWXS3

 

You are so right on the backslide thing. It hurts for a moment and can hurt for a looong time if you dwell on it. But if you learn from it....Well....you just made yourself a better person. You did the right thing in the end and its your actions in the end she will remember and it is your actions in the end that YOU will remember. Never forget what you have learned

 

Maturity is a wonderful thing. I'm 42 and I "thought" I was mature but until you go through something like this you realize you are a child. Learn and grow...Learn and grow.

 

Thanks for your posts

[PWSX3]

Saturday will be 9 months that me & my G/F have been together. It is really hard to believe it's been that long.....

 

For those that don't know all my story, me & the w separated for 7 months, then got back together for almost a year before she moved out last August, filed in January & the divorce was final April 6th.

 

Since she moved out I have taken Divorce Care class, many other help classes at a local church, read I don't know how many books & have really tried to understand "MY" part in the bad marriage. I will take responsibility for the bad marriage but I WILL NOT take responsibility for the divorce, that was my former wife's doing.....

 

Now that I'm 9 months down the road I would like to share with those that feel they might need to get into another relationship soon after a breakup or divorce & I would suggest it isn't a good idea.

 

I have worked very hard to get were I'm at, I met my G/F in Divorce Care class & we didn't start dating for about 3 months after we were done. Wasn't looking for anyone, just trying to better myself but it happened so I've been dealing with it.

 

I am happy & we get along well but I can see where getting into another relationship so soon can get in the way of the healing. It is like putting a bandage on a cut.

I feel people need to really work hard on figuring out what part they had in the bad marriage, it does take two so no matter how much you feel the other person was at fault I would say; look at yourself & I'm pretty sure you will find out a lot more then you wanted to about how you impacted the marriage.

 

I feel it doesn't hurt to date & just hang out with the opposite sex but getting involved does make it tough to do the grieving. I'm just lucky to find a good counselor & great people in the classes to help me out.

 

I know there is a lot of pain on this board, but take this time to really look at yourself. This is the best time to look at yourself & do a overhaul on you.

[trippi1432]

Just wanted to share something that happened Friday, just so you know even when things are going good that those little feelings can slip into your mind & throw you for a loop.....

 

Friday I had to do a different route which was no big deal. I did the route & on my way back to the warehouse it hit me.

 

When me & the former wife were trying to get back together I would stop & buy lunch for the two of us & stop at your work & eat with her.

 

Just like that it brought back those memories of how I was trying yet she was just working on her next exit in our marriage. The reason I feel I had this is because now I look back & I see how when I was trying to work on our marriage she was finding excuses not to. At first she thought it was nice I did it, but then she would come up with excuses, oh it's to early to eat, oh I can't get off for lunch right now, etc. etc......

 

Sometimes we see these backslides as a bad thing, but maybe it is to help us see our situation better, to be able to understand better now that we are farther along in the process.

 

I suggest don't use a backslide always as a bad thing. Maybe it is to look at a situation & maybe take a different path then what we are on or we did. I know for some that are just starting out it is very hard to understand we can live without that other person but once you realize that then the fun begins, you can see more positive....

 

Just like last night trippi1432 was sad because she had to eat by herself & be at home by herself.

Don't look at it that way, but it's an opportunity to be able to choice what food you want, be able to watch the TV show you want to, if you want to watch TV in your underwear you can.....Don't worry about the other person because then they have control over you & your feelings...

 

It does make me sad to see so many marriages failing, but when there are two people with two ideas, thoughts, ideas, it can happen.

 

 

 

 

Hi PW, I had no idea that you wrote about me in your post...you have no idea how much that helped me when you did. It made me realize that life can be good alone.....I have my freedom, I can make my own choices, I can do what I want......after 15 years of oppression, that freedom has been so uplifting. Hugs!!

[trippi1432]

The problem with love

When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. 1 Cor. 13:11

 

He said this is how a child thinks;

a: all about me

b: reactive

c: win/lose

Childish love is; transactional

 

I can relate....that was exactly my marriage.....in therapy yesterday, I told the counselor that I wanted to stay on my son's session and work on some things....suddenly she noticed this "bickering" between us and asked about it....I told her that is what he has witnessed for 14 years....it's a learned behavior.

 

I knew that, I repeatedly asked that we didn't fight in front of the kids, but it was never respected. I guess my biggest regret is that I didn't leave him years ago to let our son know another way of life because he can be the sweeetest little guy in the world, respectful when he wants to be and understands chivalry, but he can also be the most pessamistic, obstinate and disrespectful person he wants to be as well.

 

I didn't leave because I thought that I could affect my son's upbringing with the right things....which I think I did...but he has these unduly influences to figure out. Staying or wanting to leave....will never know if it would have been the right thing.....I just know that I have to help my son grow from childishness to manhood so he does the right thing and breaks his father and grandfather's behavior.

[PWSX3]

A couple years ago I took the former wife to Cirque DuSoeil (Alegria) and we had a lot of fun.

Well there is a movie out that kind of was made from that show & tonight while looking for something else I came across the DVD so I asked my son if he wanted to watch it with me.

 

That really brought back a lot of good memories of me & the former wife and it really made me miss her.

It is still hard for me to understand how someone could just walk away from a marriage of 28 years. Yes we had our hard times, but we also had a lot of good times.....

 

I was talking to a co-worker & she has been divorced for 10 years, but yesterday she was sharing with me even though you are divorced, you still remember there birthdays, you remember special holidays, you remember different things about them that will never go away. She even got a little misty eyed talking about it & so I guess like they say in divorce care, it isn't a clean separation, it is more like the tearing of flesh/meat & no matter how hard you try to get rid of the other person there will always be a part of you in them & a part of them in you.

 

I guess watching that movie is like looking at old photo albums of what we did as a family & I need to grieve it just like everything else.

 

On a more happier note, my sister & her boyfriend got into town to surprise my folks. This Saturday will be our Turkey Day & it will be nice to have family in town, plus my G/F & her boys will join us for the first time.....

[PWSX3]

Had a fantastic weekend, two of my sisters were here so we had our Thanksgiving Day yesterday.

I'm so thankful to have a family that is close, that enjoys getting together & spending time together.

 

I truly feel sorry for those that are still struggling. I would tell you it gets so much better but I wouldn't believe it when I was at that point in my life & you won't either.

 

I also believe these dark times in our lives are times we need to cherish, if we use them correctly they can be such growth periods in our lives, but it is hard to understand or think that when you are in the middle of the storm.

 

I see so much growth in many people here on the board, some I feel are starting to see it as well. When we take baby steps it's hard to see our progress sometimes.

 

Here is an example, we see our kids every day but we don't notice them growing up so much, but we see a cousin, friend, etc. that have kids around the same age & they seem like they have grown up so much yet we don't see that is our own kids.

 

That is how each & everyone here on the board is; those baby steps don't seem much but when you can step back or others see them we have come a long ways.

 

I just want to say; HAPPY THANKSGIVING to all my LS friends, for those that have helped me get as far as I am today, for those that are still struggling & share there stories. Each day we learn, we grow & as long as we are working to better ourselves, we will just get better & better.

[skinman]

Hey PWS,

Thanks for the inspiring post my friend, I too want to thank you for all the help you have given me the past year. Without your kind words of encouragement, optimism and prayers I dont know where I would be today. Thank you for extending your hand to me when it was needed the most. I am so pleased to read of how far along you have come. Thanks again my friend... I hope one day to be able to thank you in person.............Happy Thankksgiving !!!!

 

God bless PWS...

Skin......