Author PWSX3 Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 I would like to know if i should have NC with my ex wife? we have two kids and i find it difficult to do this. I also believe am struggling beacuse as a christian i want to follow the word of the good book, Corinthians 13;4 am sure you are familiar. Everyone on this site seems to think NC, 180's work. Am trying to figure out my best approach at reconciliation. Thank you and God bless. I don't know your situation so it makes it hard to say. I'll just throw out some ideas & let you chew on them. I took a class called Divorce Care & it was very helpful. They go over the things that happen in a divorce & also give you some ideas about getting back together. Check out there web site & see if there is a local church holding the classes. I would suggest you just work on you, take classes at church & get more involved with your local church. That will help you heal & grow as a person & then you leave the rest to God. If you have kids it is hard to go NC I would think. I would suggest when you do see her, be at your best, treat her nice & do things she wouldn't expect. Like Gunny shared with me; anytime you meet her be dressed nice, look good & they will start to wonder what is going on..... I don't know how long you have been divorced but if you really want to get back together then just wait & see what happens, I know people that were divorced for a couple of years & got back together. My advice is to use this time to better yourself. No matter what happens if you get back together with your ex or you find someone new it will help in both situations. If you ask others here that know my story I tried hard & did everything I felt I could do. Like someone told me; yes I said the vows at my wedding & yes I struggled with do you work it out or do you do this or that, but that other person also has a say in it & you can't control what they want to do so you just need to work on what you were dealt with. Sorry if I can't help any more, each situation is different but I do believe if you work hard on you, you treat the other person with respect even if it hurts that God will reward you somehow for your effort. It might not be with you ex, maybe something else will happen that will be better.
Author PWSX3 Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 Hi PW, I have always found your advice to me on my thread to be so helpful and hopeful, that I decided it was time I read thorugh yours. So, that is what I have done over the last few evenings. I want to say thank you for your honest heartfelt posts over the last 7 or so months. All that you have been through and all that you have written has helped me more than you could ever know. I hope you are having a great vacation and look forward to your posting when you return. Lisa Had a great vacation, I think we ended up going thru 22-24 states. It was long & being with my folks wasn't always an easy thing but we made it home safe. Got to see a lot of country I would have never seen before & so did my son. We had fun hanging out & I really do believe it helped our relationship as well. Now next weekend we can start moving & we also have a surprise 50th wedding anniversary planned for my folks.
LisaUk Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 I'm gald to hear you had a good time and to see you back on the board! Your parents have done great! It's a shame more people aren't able to sustain their commitments!
Sands_of_time Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 Keep up the good work! I've been with you since the beginning and after reading your posts, I think you are doing great. Stay strong.
Author PWSX3 Posted August 3, 2009 Author Posted August 3, 2009 Thanks everyone it has been a journey & the scary part is when you think you got it figured out you realize you have no clue. Like one of the guys in my class told me; you just keep learning & you just keep trying to better yourself. I can really feel it when I stop readying, stop doing my classes, etc. It is so easy to fall back into that old rut you have been in..... Next week we move into the townhouse so I know the rest of this month will be busy with moving & getting rid of stuff, but I can see Sept. since I haven't been on the bike it's back to the gym even if that means not seeing the GF as much. The new relationship has taken up a lot of my extra time which is o.k. but I still need to get back to what got me thru this mess & keep focused on that. Tonight I called a friend that I call every Sunday evening and she started to share some things with me & it was good to be able to listen, give her some pointers & hopefully what I've been thru will help others.
myway4077 Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 Thank you for your reply PW. My situation is i was neglectful, unfaithful, began living together at a early age(19 & 20). I was not a very good person to her for a long time before the kids,i wasn't sure if i want her to be my wife. She did everything a person can do to try an help me change and i just didn't do it. After we got married and had children things where better but i was still unfaithful thinking beacuse she had given me changes that she would never leave, how wrong was I. I want to fight like she did for our love. I tell her this and all she says is that she is different and i should move on. So know what? give up? One of the 180 rules to keep trying even when it seems all is lost. I have been trying to put it in the Lords hands but my faith is a little weak I have to admit. Thank you and God bless.
Gunny376 Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 Thank you for your reply PW. My situation is i was neglectful, unfaithful, began living together at a early age(19 & 20). I was not a very good person to her for a long time before the kids,i wasn't sure if i want her to be my wife. She did everything a person can do to try an help me change and i just didn't do it. After we got married and had children things where better but i was still unfaithful thinking beacuse she had given me changes that she would never leave, how wrong was I. I want to fight like she did for our love. I tell her this and all she says is that she is different and i should move on. So know what? give up? One of the 180 rules to keep trying even when it seems all is lost. I have been trying to put it in the Lords hands but my faith is a little weak I have to admit. Thank you and God bless. QUIT BEATING YOURSELF UP! There are pleanty of people just outside your front door with Louiville Sluggers just wanting to do the job for you! Just to see the look on your face! Who you were? You were! Who you are? You are! And that's all you will ever be! Who you will become will be determined by who you were and who you are now! You will ultimately become the person you were meant to be and become by the sum total of your experiences in Life! Had you known a year ago, five years ago, ten years ago? You wouldn't be the person that you are now, and are becoming!
Author PWSX3 Posted August 3, 2009 Author Posted August 3, 2009 myway, google rejoice ministries & check out that web site. Not sure if it will help but marriages can be reunited sometimes. It isn't something that happens overnight & like others have said; she will need to see a change & see that it is something that will last. You even admit that you were not the best husband so it will take a while before she will see a change because of the past.
skinman Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 Hey PW.. glad to hear that your vacation went so well, and you and your son bonded.. Its a great feeling knowing after going through something like what we have, that your relationship with your children can become so much stronger than before. I wish you the best with the new townhouse and all your other endeavers.... Take care and keep in touch... Skin.........
Author PWSX3 Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 Had an interesting day yesterday. Had to meet the former wife at the bank to sign the last two checks from selling the house. I texted her when I was done & asked if that was everything & I hope she finds what she is looking for & that she is happy now. I got two text messages back that kind of blew me away a little. One said; I am not the same person I was a year ago. If I was where I am now with my walk with God a year ago I would have NEVER have said the hurtful things I did to you. For that I am so deeply sorry. I also would NEVER had left you and for that I also am so deeply sorry because I know I hurt you so much at that time. Then she said; no the divorce was not a good thing. It just happened before I was strong enough of a Christian to stop it. As well as asking you to see if you were saved. I would have stopped the divorce if you would have said; yes I do want to stay married to you. Again, making me make the decision just like in our marriage. She would never make a decision because if it didn't turn out then she wasn't the one to blame. Then her last text was; I have such deep feelings for you. I pray for you & want the best for you. It has been a couple months since I've seen her & when I did there was no feeling. It was just like meeting someone to do business with. She has not changed in looks and since I don't see her I can't see any difference in her. I do wish her the best, I don't wish any bad to happen to her but at this time I am not ready to get back. She has pulled this stuff for 7 years..... I am moving on, moving forward & just trying to better myself no matter what happens in the relationship I am in now.
LisaUk Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 PW I am glad to hear that you are staying strong. For your xw to say these things to you now, after all she has done and after she made this D happen, is cruel. She can see you are moving on and even if she truely feels these things about her religion and what she has done, all she need say to you is "I'm sorry, I was wrong, I wish you happiness". That is all. It is incrediably unfair and selfish of her to say these things to you, when you did not want the D on a personal and religous level. She can see what she put you through. Don't let her bring you down with this, you deserve so much better. Stay strong.
Author PWSX3 Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 WOW a lot has happened in the last few weeks. I hope to get the internet soon so I can check in more often. Things are a little shaking with the G/F, I am a lot more open with touching & feeling then she is. She feels all that stuff should be done behind closed doors in the bedroom. The other evening she was walking up the stairs & I goosed her and she just turned around & said; stop that!!!! Then when she was on the computer she had a low cut shirt on so I had to get a feel & she just said; oh brother, what am I going to do with you? Touch is very important to me & I feel it is going to be a problem for us down the road. She keep telling me to give her time that she will get used to it, but why should she have to change for me????? She also said; she isn't used to having someone pay so much attention to her so she doesn't know how to handle it. Maybe I'm just a dirty old man & want more then I should be getting.. Maybe someone has some suggestions that will help me.
mark982 Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 you said why should she have to change for you. BUT why should you have to change for her.
LisaUk Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 WOW a lot has happened in the last few weeks. I hope to get the internet soon so I can check in more often. Things are a little shaking with the G/F, I am a lot more open with touching & feeling then she is. She feels all that stuff should be done behind closed doors in the bedroom. The other evening she was walking up the stairs & I goosed her and she just turned around & said; stop that!!!! Then when she was on the computer she had a low cut shirt on so I had to get a feel & she just said; oh brother, what am I going to do with you? Touch is very important to me & I feel it is going to be a problem for us down the road. She keep telling me to give her time that she will get used to it, but why should she have to change for me????? She also said; she isn't used to having someone pay so much attention to her so she doesn't know how to handle it. Maybe I'm just a dirty old man & want more then I should be getting.. Maybe someone has some suggestions that will help me. Hey PW Some women don't like this kind of sudden sexual touching, like when it comes from nowhere, if you see what I mean. Perhaps if you up the anti on the physical, but not so sexual touching first, so an arm around her waist, holding her hand, soft touch in the small of her back, a caress to her face when out or in private. If you want to do the more sexual touching, either do the above first as a kind of lead in, or hug her first then touch, so it's not so sudden for her or perhaps use words first to describe what you are thinking, she'll reply and you'll know if it's ok to touch from there. Hope those are some ideas for you? It's good you want to work this out, hopefully you can meet each other half way?!
2.50 a gallon Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 PWSX3 From the way it sounds the lady cares for you. She is letting you know where her boundries are and at the sametime is also telling you that in time she is open to expanding those boundries. I too am a Dirty Old Man, free with my hands in a relationship. In the early part of my relationship with my present GF, I inadvertently crossed over her boundries without knowing it. No fights, but she did start to withdraw. Her XH had been abusive, and did not know the art of seduction, so she was carrying this baggage around. In her eye I was acting just like him, bad memories. We were able to talk about it, I backed off, the love grew, and the boundries have been greatly enlarged, so much so, that now, on certain occassions I can give her butte a good squeeze in public in front of her fellow workers, and she loves it. On the other hand, she hates men visually checking out her chest. That is a boundry that is still up, at times I still cannot cross that line, even in the privacy of our own home. I can grab, but don't stare. It just takes time, she has figured out that I really love her for being her, and now she generally likes the Dirty old Man in me. Like Lisa said, seduce her into expanding her boundries
Gunny376 Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 BUY YOU BOOKS! BUY YOU PENCIALS! BUY YOU PAPER AND A CHALKBOARD! SEND YOU TO SCHOOL! And you still don't know a damn thing! Ok! I'm goning to spell it out for you as though you were a four year old! A N T I C I P A T I O N! You want to have sex with a woman on Friday? You need to start working on Monday! Cuddling, holding hands, snuggling, bonding,................................. No woman wants to fell like she's being used and abusesd! No woman wants to feel as though she's a VLSS ~ a vaginal life support system ~ nor like a sperm depsoitory! They do want to feel wanted, needed, cared for, nutured, appreciated ~ just like us ~ the other shaved apes! Women are cultuarly and socially conditioned in Western society to have a built in anti-slut defense? You violate that defense when you grope them! It automatically kicks in! Even if you've been married to them for twenty or more years?
Author PWSX3 Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 I know Gunny, you buy me books, send me to school & the only thing I do is eat the teacher......:eek: So me & the G/F sat down & had a great talk, something I didn't do much with the former wife. The big difference is "I" listened which I have to agree I didn't do in the past. Yes I would here what the former wife was saying, but I was more worried about what I was going to say when she was done. I understand what you are saying Gunny & thank you. I do try & do all those other things. Last night was really good. I was trying to figure out why her ice maker is leaking water & she just came up behind me & rubbed my back softly. That is the kind of stuff I like that she hasn't been doing. I also try & not be so forward with my touching and she appreciates that as well. It's just going to take time & lots of talking & I do like the talking part. In our DC classes they say it is a lot easier to try & work things out with your spouse (reconcile) if all possible & I have to agree it would be easier. With someone new you have to start all over & it's a lot harder when you are set in your ways with some things, but that is all part of learning & compromising...... Thanks everyone for letting me share, doing much better & it is a start of a new week.....
Auroracoladybug Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Hey PW you in denver?lol I just realized where your location said
Gunny376 Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 :bunny:I know Gunny, you buy me books, send me to school & the only thing I do is eat the teacher......:eek: So me & the G/F sat down & had a great talk, something I didn't do much with the former wife. The big difference is "I" listened which I have to agree I didn't do in the past. Yes I would here what the former wife was saying, but I was more worried about what I was going to say when she was done. I understand what you are saying Gunny & thank you. I do try & do all those other things. Last night was really good. I was trying to figure out why her ice maker is leaking water & she just came up behind me & rubbed my back softly. That is the kind of stuff I like that she hasn't been doing. I also try & not be so forward with my touching and she appreciates that as well. It's just going to take time & lots of talking & I do like the talking part. In our DC classes they say it is a lot easier to try & work things out with your spouse (reconcile) if all possible & I have to agree it would be easier. With someone new you have to start all over & it's a lot harder when you are set in your ways with some things, but that is all part of learning & compromising...... Thanks everyone for letting me share, doing much better & it is a start of a new week..... :bunny:
phineas Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 In our DC classes they say it is a lot easier to try & work things out with your spouse (reconcile) if all possible & I have to agree it would be easier. With someone new you have to start all over & it's a lot harder when you are set in your ways with some things, but that is all part of learning & compromising...... I agree & disagree about this. My wife became such a different person over the last yr EVERYTHING I did was wrong according to her so starting over to me actually sounds easier because I don't think my wife & I could ever have what we used have again.
Author PWSX3 Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 I agree & disagree about this. My wife became such a different person over the last yr EVERYTHING I did was wrong according to her so starting over to me actually sounds easier because I don't think my wife & I could ever have what we used have again. I think what the class was trying to say is; you know a lot of the little things about your former spouse that you have to learn with a new person so it would be easier to work out what issues you had without all the new small issues such as what type of shampoo do they like, what foods, etc. that you already know your spouse liked. In my case my former wife was the one that wanted out, but now she is having second thoughts again. She moved out once before so for me it would be hard to take her back. I am learning alot about myself, about my new relationship, but the biggest thing I'm trying to learn is to listen. Yes Gunny It's very hard for me because the first thing that pops into my head is; how can I "FIX" it????? Sometimes they just want to talk, just want you to listen. Hey PW you in denver?lol I just realized where your location said No I live north of Denver just far enough that I don't deal with the big city, but close enough it doesn't take long to go visit. So the new G/F got a job that is 20-25 miles away & she has never changed a flat tire before so I suggested that she learns just in case, so this weekend we are going to have a date on changing a flat tire. Now for you ladies, does that sounds like a romantic date or what?????:lmao:
Mz. Pixie Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Maybe, if I'm getting some kind of small present for learning how to do it. Me? I just call my H and tell him I have a flat. But I'm kinda the Queen Bee like that. Glad to hear things are going so well P!
soheartbroken Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Hi PW, I just spent some time this morning catching up on your thread. I just wanted to tell you how much of an inspiration you and your story are. Your attitude throughout the ordeal was so positive. You were able to admit your faults in the marriage and work to better yourself for your next relationship. That gives me so much hope. Sometimes I wonder if I'll blame myself forever, but your thread has shown me that it is possible to move on even when you've made mistakes. Thanks so much for sharing your story. I secretly hope that my ex comes sniffing around like yours in a few months...but doubtful.
Author PWSX3 Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 So the G/F started a new job last week so I wanted to send her flowers to her work. She is a pre-school teacher for a church in a town close but I didn't know the name. I did find out the name when she told someone else so I looked it up, got the address, ordered flowers & she got them today. She texted me to say; she has NEVER had anyone send her flowers to her work before & she liked it. I didn't sign the card except say "your friend" since she has trouble introducing me as her B/F sometimes. But she said being purple flowers gave it away. ha ha It felt good to do something special for her...... Heatbroken, I'm glad my story can help. I really do believe when a person looks at themselves & really does the work it pays off but it is hard & you have to want to do it. I'm not proud of some of the things I did but I hope it will help me be a better person because of it. I still struggle with a lot of things but at least now I see it & can deal with it. No you don't want your ex to come snooping back, it is a lot easier to just move on. I feel mine is not happy & sees me happy & wants back because she realized what she is missing.
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