jon4507 Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 [i’m not sure if this is the right place to write this but I’m dating this girl so I guess it goes in the Dating section? First off let me start by saying that even though this is my first post, I’ve been lurking here for a couple of months now (when I first started to have problems with my GF). Just readying about other people having problems in their relationships has been a surprisingly good therapy to keep my spirits up (“I’m obviously not crazy since I’m not the only one facing these issues” is what that told me). I’ve been hesitating for a few days at to whether I should write my own but I finally took the plunge. I’m going to apologise in advance as this is probably going to turn into a novel… Ok, so I’m in my mid-20s and I’ve been dating this girl for 2 years now; we moved in together a year ago. I’ve previously gove out with her for another 1.5 year stretch so globally I’ve know her for about 5 years now. Now a key information about myself: my job requires me to travel quite a bit. Over the last year I’m only been home 50-55% of the time, the rest being on the road working. However my work assignments are always of short duration, a few days to 2-3 weeks at the most. This is something I made my GF aware of before I started this relationship; she didn’t mind in the beginning but lately she’s been complaining. To me it doesn’t represent a problem, I’m never gone very long and I’m all that more eager to see her when I come back. To me it also makes it easy for us not to get tired of seeing one another but I’m not sure she sees it that way. I consider this job to be a great opportunity and to offer incredible carrier opportunities so I’m not willing to let it go because of somebody else’s opinion. I’ve skipped over other opportunities in the past because of other people’s opinion but I don’t want to make that mistake again. I want to take my destiny into my own hands so to speak. Anyways, the problems started about 6 months ago. In a drunken bout my girlfriend said some things that caused me to re-evaluate our relationship. Basically I realised that from my point of view I was doing most of the giving and initiating of things and she was doing most of the taking (i.e. I always initiate sex, she asks for kisses and I give them instead of her just straight up kissing me, etc…). I was also a little bit frustrated with our sex life; I always had to initiate things and she didn’t feel like it all that often. She also kept making comments about how I was obsessed with sex and only thought about that (I’m sorry but there’s nothing abnormal about a mid 20s guy wanting sex more than once per 1-1.5week). Now, I’m a rational enough person to know that the point of view presented in this text is probably a little bias but I still believe it to be true. Anyways, I decided to run a little experiment and stopped initiating thing to see what would happen. I know I know, “games” are bad, but I had to validate my point of view, and validate it I did! All the passion left our relationship in the span of a few weeks! (along with our sex life, or should I say mine…) During that time I had to leave for a 3 week trip to a pretty remote place and pretty much I had to initiate communication with my GF otherwise I would go days without any news from her what so ever. Well it turn out she also had grief against me for other stuff and that was her way of retaliating. This is a fact I only discovered after confronting her after receiving the cold shoulder treatment for over 2 months straight! At my insistence we had a heart felt discussion and finally she told me she was frustrated because I wasn’t doing enough house work; something which I acknowledged and promised to work on. I return I told her I was very frustrated about the physical part of our relationship. At that point she broke down crying in my arms and saying it was true and she’s sorry, it was all her fault and she knew she’d intentionally been giving me the cold shoulder instead of telling me what was wrong, she was a bad person, she has no libido, etc… It ended with me comforting her (as the dumb nice guy that I am) but not really getting any commitment from her side to work on things. (Note: I’m a fairly sexual person so you can imagine the amount of frustration that 2 straight months of no sex created for me). Following this discussion, I made efforts on my part and our sex life restarted albeit not at the same (not very high) level it was previously. On her side I didn’t much change. A few months pass and the cold shoulder has come back and again we have a heart felt discussion. She again accuses me of the same things but acknowledge that I’m making efforts and getting there. She does mention that she doesn’t like the fact that I’m travelling that often because “she all alone in the house”. On my side I tell her that I’m frustrated with the physical part of our relationship and again she breaks down crying while saying that “she like that” and doesn’t have a libido as high as mine (it’s not like mine is that high, I’m content with once every couple of days). So now not only do I not get any kind of commitment, I don’t even get and acknowledgement of the situation! But being the nice guy that I am and comfort her in my arm and like an idiot I don’t continue the discussion. Now fast forward to a week ago; the cold shoulder as come back big time. I haven’t heard an “I love you” in weeks whereas I tell her almost daily. Now to me this is real hurtful as she barely acknowledges it when I say it and don’t say it back. We finally had another discussion, again at my insistence where I finally told her that I’d been frustrated for months at this point of being ignored, that I hated to go to bed alone at night (she sleeps on her side and won’t let me snuggle against her for more than a few minutes, and only if I go to bed at the same time, otherwise I wake her up) and that I basically felt like a roommate more than a boy friend (she hadn’t kissed me in a couple of weeks in retaliation because of one day weeks ago she had I was ignoring her). It ended just like the other 2 discussions (her crying in my arm, saying she’s a bad person, etc…) but she did bring up the point that she wasn’t sure if we belonged together right before crying. At that point I decided to take things rationally and let her make her own mind but the subject hasn’t resurfaced and it’s been 1 weeks. At this point she’s going away for 2 weeks to see her family so I’m curious about what’s going to happen when she comes back. She’ll obviously have thought about the situation… I would actually not be surprised if she wanted to break it off but was scared of doing so because of the shared living arrangement (both our names are on the lease and she’s still a student so she can’t afford to live alone). From my side I really don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve got 6 months of pent-up frustration in me that I’m trying not to let influence my judgement; I’m nice guy so I didn’t let it out on her in those discussions otherwise I know I would have ripped her apart in a very nasty way. I do genuinely love this girl but it seems that I’m the only one that’s willing to work and make adjustments to make things work. At this point I’m wondering if it’s even worth the energy to try to fix things since I seem to be the only one willing to work. She’s also never been very sexual with me in the past but she seems to indicate that she was in other previous relationship with guys she clicked with less than me. The easy solution would be to roll over and just do as she wants (and probably cut off my balls as well…). I could also leave her but that would complicate the living arrangement; I can afford to live alone but it really doesn’t make sense with me being gone so often. However I did insist on a 2 bedroom flat when we moved in just in case of this kind of situation and I know I could probably pull of the roommate scenario for a while. It wouldn’t be easy but I could do it. She might be the love of my life but as I mentioned earlier, I’m not willing to leave my job and have someone else’s opinion dictate my destiny. Also just so people don’t get me wrong, I said I was rational quite a few times but I can also be a very passionate and emotional guy; I just have the ability to turn part of this OFF if it’s necessary. Anyways, all of this leaves me with the following question: Is it even worth it for me to try to salvage the situation at this point? Thx to those who managed to get to this point. Jon P.S. Sorry about the long text but I feel this is a complex situation and all the information needed to be said. It’s also been very therapeutic for me to write it all down.
Jilly Bean Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 I could only skim it, as I have really bad ADD, and it was WAY too much text. But, let's summarize. She never initiates sex. She has stopped telling you ILY. She is now giving you the cold shoulder for no real reason. Sounds to me like NEITHER of you are into each other. I vote break-up.
Author jon4507 Posted July 31, 2008 Author Posted July 31, 2008 Anyone? Jon P.S. Apologies for the typo in the title. Unfortunatly I can't fix it.
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