To Have Loved a Psychopath

[TalkLikeLion]

I fell in love with him. Hard. He made himself out to be everything that I needed, and everything that I wanted. He flew out to see me while I was at school. He seemed so perfect. And the things started to fall apart.

 

Everything my ex told me was a lie. I've been talking to his "crazy" ex girlfriend lately, and all of the truths are coming out- and they make much more sense than the stories he wove. He lied about her, he lied about himself. He cheated on me.

 

The thing that hurts the worst is that, back in May, he wanted to take me to see the symphony. They were playing Beethoven's 6th, The Pastorale. It was supposed to be a special thing, because he loves classical music and I have been raised reading, learning and playing it, which was something he claimed to adore in me.

 

He claimed his work schedule got too hectic and he couldn't go.

 

I just found out that he took another woman. A woman who was married at the time, who has a child, and who he has apparently been sleeping with since before he met me.

I also learned that he was diagnosed with a messiah complex and narcissistic personality when he was younger. When he attacked his ex and she tried to kill herself, the doctors told her he is basically a classical case of a sociopath.

 

Lies, lies lies. And I believed every one of them. I let him suck me in and use me, I fell in love with him, and I trusted him. He talked me down all the time. He made me feel ugly because I've got blue eyes and blond hair, and I'm too pale for his taste, and the woman he was cheating on me with is Arab. He turned arguments around on me and made me feel worthless. Everything turned into my fault. I still feel worthless. And I hate it because everyone else keeps telling me I'm not, that I'm beautiful and talented and smart, but he told me those things too, and he lied about everything else.

 

How does one overcome this sort of thing? I feel as though I'm left at a standstill. I'm at a crossroads and I don't know what either direction is even trying to tell me. I feel so angry at myself for trusting him and for loving him when it was a lie. I hate myself for this. I feel sick when I imagine him with *her*. I've tried to overdose over him, Ive thought about it many times. Because what he's done makes me hate myself so much, I don't feel worth the daylight I'm given. How could I have fallen for this?

Can anyone offer any advice? What advice could be offered? I'm so overwhelmed. I truly thought he loved me. I just don't know how to handle myself anymore.

[xpaperxcutx]

You start by distancing yourself from him. You're attached to his charms and lies, and that in turn blinds you from seeing the truth and freeing yourself from his chains. To break free, you have to learn to love yourself first. No person defines us but ourselves, because no one person knows a person clearer than themselves. Thus, it's important to understand that your own life is precious, because you only live once.

It's human nature to make mistakes, but what makes us stronger is that we learn to forgive ourselves for the mistakes and we learn from them. We don't run away from it, we face it and move. And right now, I understand you're hurting, but we're only human, and one's who doesn't feel hurt are those who's never felt before. Shed those tears of yours, but realize that you're not crying for him, but for yourself, because you're strong as a person, and although he has hurt you, he hasn't completely broken you. Only you yourself can do that. And you're not going to do that ,because you're gonna move past the hurt and get your life back together wtihout him in it.

[justaman99]

Feel relieved! You are free Lion. Remember just a couple months ago you were writing about how much pain he was in, how you were to blame for everything that happened in the relationship, how he was hurt, taking care of his grandmother, and everything else was prince charming with this dude. Take comfort in knowing this guy was full of **** and it's all lies. You got away from a very bad situation. You're young and unfortunately more impressionable at this stage but you will learn from this experience and will be an even better woman for it as well as a better girlfriend to the next good guy that comes around. Trust me.

 

-Just

[sunshinegirl]

Get thee to a counselor! I mean it.

 

I haven't dated a psychopath, but I have dated a bonafide narcissist before, and disturbed people like this wreak havoc on one's self-esteem. It took me 6-9 months, a ton of counseling, and anti-depressants to restore a semblance of the self-confidence I had had before dating that creep.

 

In time, you will come to see this breakup as the greatest gift you could ever have been given. I PROMISE you that. It feels like shyte now - all breakups do - but yours feels especially shyte-astic because of the gaslighting and very deep wound to your ego and self-esteem.

 

It is him, not you. You just need to find some resources to help you discover and embrace that truth for yourself.

 

(((hugs)))

[Nevermind]

Unfortunately, you don't have access to PM just yet.

 

So, I'll write this here. My story, and maybe it helps to see that others were in the same situation. You are not alone, and you deserve sunlight and happiness and laughter just as everyone else does.

 

-------------------------------------------

I found out that he had an affair by reading his e-mails. We had been a long distance relationship for nearly a year when this happened. When I found out it had been going on for months, starting on my birthday. I was in shock. Utter and complete disbelief. I asked for the truth and he kept lieing. And his lies...changed. At first he seemed sorry (we're talking first hours) but he soon grew annoyed by it. He couldn't deal with blame. And so he attacked. According to him I had been cruel, denying him love, he just needed somebody etc. And in the e-mails he wrote to others about me, I was the sick depressed girlfriend whom he couldn't leave because she needed him.

 

I was shocked to read this.

 

And I couldn't sleep, nor eat. It was 4 days, after I had found out. I sat in the kitchen, I took a knife and I cut myself. I couldn't deal with the pain anymore, it was too much and frankly I did believe him. I believed it was my fault. I thought about suicide, and he knew this. I didn't say "come back, or I'll kill myself" but "I feel so numb, nothing matters. I really have to fight back thoughts of just ending things". He laughed. Not spiteful, but because he didn't believe me. There I sat, in the kitchen,with a knife, bleeding slightly, and my ex laughed. Then he said, in a kind voice, I should do whatever I needed to get better. And I did. I wrote his girlfriend (whom he supposedly had broken up with) and send him a copy of the e-mail. After that he hated me. One day, after I had been very close to suicide, I got an e-mail saying how ridiculous, despiseable and terrible I am. And how he didn't care one bit if I lived or died.

 

Yes. This was my ex. I spend a week at my parents, numb and pale and hardly able to eat. I took sleeping pills to find some rest. It was horrible. For weaks I couldn't get him out of my system. While he booked a flight to get some tropical holidays with the affair-girl.

 

When the fog in my head started to clear up I realized what he had been to me (see the thread "The love of my life" in the LDR section). He had been an abuser, who called me stupid every single day. He ridiculed my way to dress, my way to eat, my ways in general. He made me believe that I could be very lucky to be with him, that I had to be very thankful that he was with someone like me.

 

I still fight this. Three months now and a text from him completely whacks me out. But it's getting better. I realize my own worth. Step by step.

---------------------------------------------------------------

 

Was he a psycho? I don't know. He wasn't a good person. I loved him with all my heart, and if he had been what he portrayed himself to be...he would have been great indeed. But it wasn't my fault for loving him. And it isn't yours for having loved your ex.

 

Those people are toxic, and need to put down others to be able to love themselves.

 

What you can do to get better? Sleep. A lot of sleep helped me. Company, people that will make you laugh. New people, that know nothing about the story. Shopping, treat yourself to something he has never seen on you. Basically: be the person he should have been. Treat yourself. Smile at your reflection in the mirror. Work out. Make plans. This is important.

 

Make crazy plans for vacations or trips. You don't even need to do everything you plan. But take a look in the future. You will be happy, and you will be loved.

 

((hugs))

[Angel1111]

You're not really at a crossroads because that would indicate that you have a choice to go back to where you came from, and you don't. Nor do you want that, in your heart of hearts.

 

First of all, it would help to you to understand that your are mourning the loss of someone you loved who never existed. In your heart and mind, whether it was a lie or not, that love feels as real as anything else you can touch. But don't ever let him fool you again from this point forward. If you knew the inner workings of his mind, you would reel at the coldness that's really there. I don't care what kind of warm, fuzzy side of him you thought you knew, his heart is the Anarctic and his mind is a raging snowstorm.

 

Please try to remember who you are, and realize that as long as you continue to tell yourself such horrible things such as not deserving the light that shines on you (or whatever phrase you used), he is still controlling and belittling you even in his absence and you are still giving up your power as a human being. No matter what disguise it uses and how much it completely fools you, this monster is NOT love. It is nothing beautiful or sacred. Love does not destroy and tear down. It does not cause a person to want to end their life. It doesn't EVER stir up feelings of self-hatred. EVER.

 

Understand that your emotions can sometimes misguide you and as long as you continue to go barrelling toward this drop-off of self-hatred, you're still letting your emotions take you in the wrong direction, just like you did when you were with him. Women are the worst for not being able to know when to turn off the emotions and take control of themselves. If you have regrets about your past with this man, then don't compound your problems by adding to that regret with how you react at this point in time.

 

He played you and knew exactly how you'd react to pretty much everything he did and said. Now, at this point in time, he is probably getting a real ego kick out of how he can actually treat you like crap, go off with another woman, insult you in the worst possible way he could, and still have you in the palm of his hand. I hope that pisses you off and I hope it makes you realize just how much of yourself you have given up being with this person who truly does not deserve the light that shines on him.

 

Get it out of your head that you're ever going to fix this because it's not fixable. He is not changable. And the newsflash is: he loves himself just as he is, no matter what nonsense he tells you. Just keep in mind that any time his lips are moving, he's probably lying.

 

Again, I hope this is pissing you off and that you will snap out of this fog that you're in. And stop beating yourself up about how you were so deceived, how you were so fooled and all the rest. It happens all the time - not because you were stupid but because you were naive and way too tolerant. Now that his lies have been uncovered, stop being that naive and tolerant person. You didn't know the truth then, but now you do. So do something about it and stop this circular thinking that is getting you nowhere.

 

I strongly recommend that you read Robert Lundy's book "Why Does He Do That?" and you'll never wonder again about who this man really is and where his motivations really lie. It's a true eye-opener and you'll never swoon over him again. If you think that he's the only guy you'll ever love (and I use that word loosely) and that you just know you won't find anyone else ever again, I promise you tha one day you're going to look back and ask yourself, "What on earth was I thinking?" and you'll mean it.

 

Don't ever let this stupid, messed up man see you cry, or ask him to come back into your life, or let him. The calmer and cooler you can be, the more you can get your message across to him that he no longer has any power over you. For your own sake and for the sake of your dignity, please pull yourself together and exit stage left from this ridiculous relationship. This is NOT who you are.

[borelandkaren]

You're not really at a crossroads because that would indicate that you have a choice to go back to where you came from, and you don't. Nor do you want that, in your heart of hearts.

 

First of all, it would help to you to understand that your are mourning the loss of someone you loved who never existed. In your heart and mind, whether it was a lie or not, that love feels as real as anything else you can touch. But don't ever let him fool you again from this point forward. If you knew the inner workings of his mind, you would reel at the coldness that's really there. I don't care what kind of warm, fuzzy side of him you thought you knew, his heart is the Anarctic and his mind is a raging snowstorm.

 

Please try to remember who you are, and realize that as long as you continue to tell yourself such horrible things such as not deserving the light that shines on you (or whatever phrase you used), he is still controlling and belittling you even in his absence and you are still giving up your power as a human being. No matter what disguise it uses and how much it completely fools you, this monster is NOT love. It is nothing beautiful or sacred. Love does not destroy and tear down. It does not cause a person to want to end their life. It doesn't EVER stir up feelings of self-hatred. EVER.

 

Understand that your emotions can sometimes misguide you and as long as you continue to go barrelling toward this drop-off of self-hatred, you're still letting your emotions take you in the wrong direction, just like you did when you were with him. Women are the worst for not being able to know when to turn off the emotions and take control of themselves. If you have regrets about your past with this man, then don't compound your problems by adding to that regret with how you react at this point in time.

 

He played you and knew exactly how you'd react to pretty much everything he did and said. Now, at this point in time, he is probably getting a real ego kick out of how he can actually treat you like crap, go off with another woman, insult you in the worst possible way he could, and still have you in the palm of his hand. I hope that pisses you off and I hope it makes you realize just how much of yourself you have given up being with this person who truly does not deserve the light that shines on him.

 

Get it out of your head that you're ever going to fix this because it's not fixable. He is not changable. And the newsflash is: he loves himself just as he is, no matter what nonsense he tells you. Just keep in mind that any time his lips are moving, he's probably lying.

 

Again, I hope this is pissing you off and that you will snap out of this fog that you're in. And stop beating yourself up about how you were so deceived, how you were so fooled and all the rest. It happens all the time - not because you were stupid but because you were naive and way too tolerant. Now that his lies have been uncovered, stop being that naive and tolerant person. You didn't know the truth then, but now you do. So do something about it and stop this circular thinking that is getting you nowhere.

 

I strongly recommend that you read Robert Lundy's book "Why Does He Do That?" and you'll never wonder again about who this man really is and where his motivations really lie. It's a true eye-opener and you'll never swoon over him again. If you think that he's the only guy you'll ever love (and I use that word loosely) and that you just know you won't find anyone else ever again, I promise you tha one day you're going to look back and ask yourself, "What on earth was I thinking?" and you'll mean it.

 

Don't ever let this stupid, messed up man see you cry, or ask him to come back into your life, or let him. The calmer and cooler you can be, the more you can get your message across to him that he no longer has any power over you. For your own sake and for the sake of your dignity, please pull yourself together and exit stage left from this ridiculous relationship. This is NOT who you are.

 

Agreed. These people are fecking weirdos. Mine was anti-social and did the whole isolation, build up and devalue, etc, etc, et al. Everything he did I now see as textbook and I'm so glad to be out. Have just gone back thru an old work diary and seen all the things in there that I wrote from 9 months ago. It was going on then, it went on in the beginning (he asked me to marry him 3 weeks in!!!!!!), it happened six months in, the lies, the b/s, it was all crap. Am I a loser b/c I believed the things he told me? No fecken way!!!! Is he b/c he lied to me for the whole of our r/s? Of course he fecken is!!!! This man stole 5 years of my life. I let him take it too b/c he told me the lies that kept me hanging on, hoping for change. Do I want to die b/c of this? WHAT????!!!! B/c some feckwit told me lies, I should die?????? No way!!!! These people are scum. They come into our lives and make us believe we are privileged to be with them. The truth is that they are predators and parasites. They hunt us down b/c they sense vulnerability and suck onto us and drain out our life blood. I believe that they should all be shipped to an island for they and their types alone. They would all go insane because none of them would be able to give one another the "supply" that they need and the whole island would implode. Stay away from this man, Lion. He's not "The One." You are, darl.:)

[TalkLikeLion]

thank you guys. I've pushed away a lot of people through the re-emerging of my depression and eating disorder, and so my best friend and my mother are really the only people that know what's going on. Both of them keep telling me exactly what you guys just did, but it helps so much to hear it from people that don't know me personally.

[TalkLikeLion]

Unfortunately, you don't have access to PM just yet.

 

So, I'll write this here. My story, and maybe it helps to see that others were in the same situation. You are not alone, and you deserve sunlight and happiness and laughter just as everyone else does.

 

-------------------------------------------

I found out that he had an affair by reading his e-mails. We had been a long distance relationship for nearly a year when this happened. When I found out it had been going on for months, starting on my birthday. I was in shock. Utter and complete disbelief. I asked for the truth and he kept lieing. And his lies...changed. At first he seemed sorry (we're talking first hours) but he soon grew annoyed by it. He couldn't deal with blame. And so he attacked. According to him I had been cruel, denying him love, he just needed somebody etc. And in the e-mails he wrote to others about me, I was the sick depressed girlfriend whom he couldn't leave because she needed him.

 

I was shocked to read this.

 

And I couldn't sleep, nor eat. It was 4 days, after I had found out. I sat in the kitchen, I took a knife and I cut myself. I couldn't deal with the pain anymore, it was too much and frankly I did believe him. I believed it was my fault. I thought about suicide, and he knew this. I didn't say "come back, or I'll kill myself" but "I feel so numb, nothing matters. I really have to fight back thoughts of just ending things". He laughed. Not spiteful, but because he didn't believe me. There I sat, in the kitchen,with a knife, bleeding slightly, and my ex laughed. Then he said, in a kind voice, I should do whatever I needed to get better. And I did. I wrote his girlfriend (whom he supposedly had broken up with) and send him a copy of the e-mail. After that he hated me. One day, after I had been very close to suicide, I got an e-mail saying how ridiculous, despiseable and terrible I am. And how he didn't care one bit if I lived or died.

 

Yes. This was my ex. I spend a week at my parents, numb and pale and hardly able to eat. I took sleeping pills to find some rest. It was horrible. For weaks I couldn't get him out of my system. While he booked a flight to get some tropical holidays with the affair-girl.

 

When the fog in my head started to clear up I realized what he had been to me (see the thread "The love of my life" in the LDR section). He had been an abuser, who called me stupid every single day. He ridiculed my way to dress, my way to eat, my ways in general. He made me believe that I could be very lucky to be with him, that I had to be very thankful that he was with someone like me.

 

I still fight this. Three months now and a text from him completely whacks me out. But it's getting better. I realize my own worth. Step by step.

---------------------------------------------------------------

 

Was he a psycho? I don't know. He wasn't a good person. I loved him with all my heart, and if he had been what he portrayed himself to be...he would have been great indeed. But it wasn't my fault for loving him. And it isn't yours for having loved your ex.

 

Those people are toxic, and need to put down others to be able to love themselves.

 

What you can do to get better? Sleep. A lot of sleep helped me. Company, people that will make you laugh. New people, that know nothing about the story. Shopping, treat yourself to something he has never seen on you. Basically: be the person he should have been. Treat yourself. Smile at your reflection in the mirror. Work out. Make plans. This is important.

 

Make crazy plans for vacations or trips. You don't even need to do everything you plan. But take a look in the future. You will be happy, and you will be loved.

 

((hugs))

 

I'm sorry to hear your story. Honestly, it sounds a LOT like how he treated his ex girlfriend. He made me believe she was a complete psycho that stabbed him and mistreated him, took his things, burned them, etc, and now that I'm becoming friends with her I'm learning that it was the exact opposite. And she lived with him for two years.

 

I'm almost certain he is a psychopath. As a student, I'm in no place to diagnose anybody, obviously, but I know enough about psychology to say that he displays almost every sign of a sociopath down to a frakking T. And I saw it before we broke up, but I denied every one of them, because I wanted to believe he was what I thought he was.

 

Thank you for sharing your story, it really does help to hear when other people have gone through the same thing. It sucks for both sides, but knowing you aren't alone is quite nice.