mma_j Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 I am currently in a rocky 10 year relationship with the most beautiful girl in the world. We met when she was 20 and I was 22. We were very much in love and even going to get married at one point. However, things have been distant in the past year. Ever since she got into graduate school, her wanderlust has really come full swing and she would like to discover the world. I want her to. We've broken off our engagement last year (she initiated), citing that she was curious what life was like w/o me. I was hurt, but for some reason I understand. To be in a relationship with such a woman, I find both heart breaking and fortunate that I want the girl to go and discover herself. I know exactly what she desires. I've had these feelings before, but felt tha tit was best to work through the relationship. Some people need to discover life because you've only got one. It's hard to break up with her for HER own good, but after reading about it on these forums, I do not want to be the one who holds her back. I also want to discover who I am without the love of my life for the past 10 years. It's the scariest thing in the world. I am about to take a 2 week roadtrip with this girl to drop her off at graduate school. After, we are going to take a trip to Trinidad and Tobago with her class and vacation. I need this break, as I'm applying to an MBA program myself. Once that's through, we'll be long distance until January 2009 (her choice to see what it's like living alone). She just got back from a 6 week vacation in EU (I couldn't go and was working). It felt kind of weird picking her up from the airport and when we were together, things had a fire, but weren't exactly the same. Is it wrong for me to break up with her to allow herself to grow? I think it would hurt me a lot more than her. However, it if were meant to be, then it were meant to be....
Author mma_j Posted July 24, 2008 Author Posted July 24, 2008 I'm confused. Didn't she break up with you? Yes, she did about 6 months ago. But we got back together. Now, I want to let her go and be herself... It breaks my heart, but I don't want to be back together with her simply because it feels better. I need to be back together because we both love each other, not because we're avoiding the hurt.
Enema Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 She's not going to be happy with the relationship until she's experienced more of life and gotten the bug out of her. I really do hate to trundle out a tired old cliche... but: If you love her, set her free. She'll come back if it was meant to be. Of course, there's a very high chance that she'll be up for a bit of different sausage as that's part of the learning experience. It's up to you whether or not you're comfortable with that.
Author mma_j Posted July 24, 2008 Author Posted July 24, 2008 She's not going to be happy with the relationship until she's experienced more of life and gotten the bug out of her. I really do hate to trundle out a tired old cliche... but: If you love her, set her free. She'll come back if it was meant to be. Of course, there's a very high chance that she'll be up for a bit of different sausage as that's part of the learning experience. It's up to you whether or not you're comfortable with that. Great point. My mother was the same way with my father. She was a wanderlust and he said he divorced her because he was chasing a gypsy. She was always meant to be free. Well, she ended up going out with numerous other men, but eventually became very bitter and single, whereas my father found another wonderful woman and settled down again. In many aspects, my mother and my gf are the same. The difference, though, is their family values. My gf is very family oriented (not towards having children, just a strong relationship with her family), while my mother is very distant. They're both very smart people. I am comfortable with letting her grow and develop. If she comes back, I should have done some exploring myself, so it's just not me who has to be comfortable with it. There is a kicker: we both have... a non fatal-virus. It's not always so easy to explore unless you're willing to damage other people's lives. Complicated, huh?
Warm Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 Dude I have just split with my gf of 10 years 4 weeks ago. This is exactly how I feel about the situation. I cant hold her back. She has to see what life is like without me. Its hard but its the most loving thing we can do for them. If we were meant to be we were meant to be.
borelandkaren Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 . There is a kicker: we both have... a non fatal-virus. It's not always so easy to explore unless you're willing to damage other people's lives. Complicated, huh? You both have to use condoms anyway, as we all here who have parted with partners have to, so there's no kicker. At this point, she needs to go and see what's going on with the rest of the world. Nothing wrong with this. You have been 2gether for a long time. I think this is perfectly natural. Hurtful, yes but natural. Take the time apart to explore for yourself. Who knows. You may be the one who does not want back in at the end of this time. Good luck, darl.:)
Author mma_j Posted July 24, 2008 Author Posted July 24, 2008 . Who knows. You may be the one who does not want back in at the end of this time. Good luck, darl.:) Thanks. I think it'll be one of the most defining years of my life. Why is it that people only grow when they're hurt?
extraordinarymachine Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 Probably because being comfortable means we're desperate to keep it that way. You seem like a very loving, balanced guy. I am the type of girl that you were engaged to and if I were to have snagged you, I'd be back. You can't count on it, but she may not find anybody like you... or anyone who loves her enough to give her what she needs and not just what is easiest. I think you're spot on. It won't be easy, but you know that. It will be revealing and best. Honestly, she would probably leave again eventually if she doesn't have the chance to do so by you letting her. Much better you motivate this split. That way the desire will still be there and you will know whether or not it's right. I'd say you'd probably have to give it a significant enough amount of time for her to be sure. I wouldn't hop back in even two or three months later, more like six to a year or more. Maybe by then you won't care, but maybe you will. Que sera, sera, friend.
Author mma_j Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 Probably because being comfortable means we're desperate to keep it that way. I'd say you'd probably have to give it a significant enough amount of time for her to be sure. I wouldn't hop back in even two or three months later, more like six to a year or more. Maybe by then you won't care, but maybe you will. Que sera, sera, friend. Can you be friends? I don't want to be her emotional support cushion, but it means a lot to me that we're still friends. We have a lot of common friends, and I'm pretty much part of her family. The confusion is strong, but you're right. I need to be strong. Thanks for the really sweet compliments. I'm sure you are more than a catch for anybody. To understand what you are is part of developing.
xpaperxcutx Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 Can you be friends? I don't want to be her emotional support cushion, but it means a lot to me that we're still friends. We have a lot of common friends, and I'm pretty much part of her family. The confusion is strong, but you're right. I need to be strong. Thanks for the really sweet compliments. I'm sure you are more than a catch for anybody. To understand what you are is part of developing. I'm thinking Forrest Gump... how does a guy love a girl who was constantly in and out of his life? Maybe he was gullible, or he just didnt really see any of her faults.
Author mma_j Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 I'm thinking Forrest Gump... how does a guy love a girl who was constantly in and out of his life? Maybe he was gullible, or he just didnt really see any of her faults. He was in love... That's how.
cazu Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 Wow, you're a sweetheart. I, too, have wanderlust and it's impacted my relationships. As I get older (31) I realize that it's not so much fun if you don't have someone special to share it with. I'm getting ready for my next overseas adventure at the moment but it just won't be the same because I'm not with the person I love. (I never used to think that way). I give you a lot of credit for trying to understand her p.o.v. I'm guessing she'll really miss you and appreciate your sacrifice for her.
northstar1 Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 I am currently in a rocky 10 year relationship with the most beautiful girl in the world. We met when she was 20 and I was 22. We were very much in love and even going to get married at one point. However, things have been distant in the past year. Ever since she got into graduate school, her wanderlust has really come full swing and she would like to discover the world. I want her to. We've broken off our engagement last year (she initiated), citing that she was curious what life was like w/o me. I was hurt, but for some reason I understand. To be in a relationship with such a woman, I find both heart breaking and fortunate that I want the girl to go and discover herself. I know exactly what she desires. I've had these feelings before, but felt tha tit was best to work through the relationship. Some people need to discover life because you've only got one. It's hard to break up with her for HER own good, but after reading about it on these forums, I do not want to be the one who holds her back. I also want to discover who I am without the love of my life for the past 10 years. It's the scariest thing in the world. I am about to take a 2 week roadtrip with this girl to drop her off at graduate school. After, we are going to take a trip to Trinidad and Tobago with her class and vacation. I need this break, as I'm applying to an MBA program myself. Once that's through, we'll be long distance until January 2009 (her choice to see what it's like living alone). She just got back from a 6 week vacation in EU (I couldn't go and was working). It felt kind of weird picking her up from the airport and when we were together, things had a fire, but weren't exactly the same. Is it wrong for me to break up with her to allow herself to grow? I think it would hurt me a lot more than her. However, it if were meant to be, then it were meant to be.... That is really tough, but you also know you have to let her go and do her travels and explore that 'wanderlust'. If she has that desire, even if you did manage to convince her to stay, it wouldn't extinguish that fire, and she'd leave at some point, or if she stayed, she'd end up regretting it, and possibly you. As you say, if it's meant to be down the road, it will be.
Author mma_j Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 Wow, you're a sweetheart. I, too, have wanderlust and it's impacted my relationships. As I get older (31) I realize that it's not so much fun if you don't have someone special to share it with. I'm getting ready for my next overseas adventure at the moment but it just won't be the same because I'm not with the person I love. (I never used to think that way). I give you a lot of credit for trying to understand her p.o.v. I'm guessing she'll really miss you and appreciate your sacrifice for her. Thanks. Everybody's support is really meaningful to me. Well, the conclusion is final. I couldn't take the wait any longer this morning, and woke up at 5am. For some reason she was awake, too. So, after a little bit of small talk, I expressed my feelings and told her that she's free to do what she wants. I assured her I understood what she wanted and that I knew she was scared to hurt me. Truth is, I am selfish because I want her all to myself. But it's her life. It's hers to live. You can't be in a commited relationship unless you're both into it. I also admitted that during our 6 weeks apart, I was learning to become completely independent. It was shocking to have her walk back into my life. I could also feel a huge difference. She started crying and said she wants to be my best friend and tell me everything and doesn't want to lose me a friend. I told her that when she moves to Chicago, I won't contact her for a while. If she feels differently, she can write it on a word document and when we have a wedding to attend in Oct, she can share it with me. I'm no longer young IMO (32), so it'll be scary. I plan on traveling for a while after my grad school applications are done (in Dec), and seeing the world alone. I've been asking my goodfriends about backpacking and their tips. Never done it, gonna try now. I see your point: It's great to share that with, but at the same time, if I am only waiting to share the moment with someone that never comes, then I'll have wasted my time here... I can only hope she appreciates her life when I'm gone Sept 1st (when I fly out from CHI). Unfortunately, I wanted her to help me with my grad school essays since she's the best writer I know... I guess I need to find another resource. You guys are incredible. I'll probably be posting here a lot! Thank you!
extraordinarymachine Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 You guys are incredible. I'll probably be posting here a lot! Thank you! I've found everybody on these boards to be sensitive and so kind, that's what it's here for! I think you did the right thing. Time will tell all, truly.
nopainnogain Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 When I was 2 years into my relationship with my ex I wanted to leave her . No hard feelings,just wanted to set her free. This was 2004,I was 23 she was 20. I brought it up and she freaked out. So I stayed with her. Fast forward 2 years,she cheats on me with my best friend and leaves me. Aint that a bi**h
Author mma_j Posted July 28, 2008 Author Posted July 28, 2008 When I was 2 years into my relationship with my ex I wanted to leave her . No hard feelings,just wanted to set her free. This was 2004,I was 23 she was 20. I brought it up and she freaked out. So I stayed with her. Fast forward 2 years,she cheats on me with my best friend and leaves me. Aint that a bi**h That's horrible, nopainnogain. But you will get through this. At least you know it's final this time. So, I've had some interesting news this weekend. I woke up on Sat and was feeling kind of strange. Long story short, I ended up visiting the doctor (ex went with me) and found out that I now have... an STI (permanent). WTF?! Could it get any crazier? I wasn't sure of what happened, but I was unsure of what to do or what to say. I literally walked out of the doctor's office crying. Naturally, my ex and I had a talk about monogamy, etc. Well, what she said broke my heart: She has always been faithful to me. I realized at this point that she might be infected too, so I asked her to see a doctor on Monday so we could take care of this. The rest of the day was a blur as I was numb and shocked. On Sunday, I was alone for most of the day. Keep in mind, we still live together in the same apt until she leaves for school. Life was surreal. I walked around like a zombie. She ended up going out with her friends. I did the same, knowing good company and food keeps your minds off things. When I returned home that evening, she was laying in bed, and asked if she could tell me something. I said sure. What came next kicked me right in the privates: Do you think we should see a relationship coach? Wow. I asked her why the change of heart? She didn't know but she said she had read a list of questions on a website that asked "Ask this to see if your relationship is worth salvaging." Well, turns out she answered a lot of the questions to see where her heart was and got really confused at this point. I told her I would go too, to see if that would help bring closure or help us discover something about ourselves. I asked her to sleep on it, knowing how fickle emotions can get during this period. The next morning, she was still insterested in the idea. She used an analogy asking, "most people fix a car instead of buying another." I wasn't sure what to make of it at this point, but I told her that if she wanted to sort things out with a third party, then I am there to support her. I managed to find the "walk away wife" syndrome and found many things there to ring true. While I am def. not getting my hopes up, I believe there are things we should still discuss in order to seek closure on things. Has this happened to anybody?
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