coursing Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 I don't even know where to start! I'm 41 yrs old with a 45 yr old bf. We've been together almost a year now and are expecting a son in just a few weeks and live together. I had no idea until almost 3 months I was preg and thought I had a miscarriage which turned out to not be the case. My only child is 18 yrs old and he has a 16 yr old and this new one made a point determined to be here! It was a point where each Dr gave me a different status and when we went to "take care of it", I was too far along and was told I could go to East L.A. to do it and the next appt was when I'd be 17 1/2 weeks. I could not go thru with that and especially after research and being told I would be awake during the process. There was no way I could go thru with it. Anyway, I have a strong intuition and always have. I hate having it because it always turns out right. The whole time we were dating and began living together - I just always felt he was talking to exes. Recently, he gave me the password to his email account. This is the first time I never wanted to find out if I was right at all and when I would ask him over the year about things he would say "no" etc. I felt he was lying but let it go and figured we are both too old for this and at a place in our life that it's just time to finish up living. I decided to log into it the other day and of course my inklings were correct as far up to this May! I am not interested in marrying, never been my thing despite one marriage about 10 yrs ago for 8 years and an 18 yr old amazing daughter. When it comes to sex, he is unable to perform and if we do it's always me on top and him 40% hard. I questioned him on it and in the beginning he said it's just cause he has to get used to me etc. I personally have NEVER experienced this with anyone and quite the opposite - so please imagine how one would feel about oneself now that it's happening. One day I was looking thru a drawer and was shuffling thru pic frames and low and behold was a prescription filled 2 years ago for levitra although he said he's never had to resort to that. I am a very physical person or was anyway - and now it's all about oral or masturbation. I am at a loss at how to handle this and he is the first man I've never thought or cheated on when I wasn't being taken care of in that manner. I was single for 2 years before meeting him and made that a point to get myself in order since I blew off my therapists advice to do so after my divorce and in turn had a relationship jumping binge for 8 years in 3 long term ones. I have a hard time understanding that communication is so absent with him as well. The most convo's with have is in texts right down to compliments! The silence is killing me and despite expressing this to him - he says I'd have to get him drunk to open up. There are so many qualities that I love about him and he reminds me of my Dad - who passed 11 years ago and I always wanted qualities of him in someone. I guess I struggle with just doing what my Dad did and just look the other way and let it roll off your back and just go along to get along and realize nothing is going to change? But at the same time I get scared that I may turn to someone else to fill these voids that really are the main strengths of relationships. I heard on tv the other day that silence is the bigger killer of divorce than physical abuse and it made me so sad. He was sitting with me when we were watching it. It bothers me that he can't share or talk with me but in his emails to his "friends" he just chit chats away and when my sister was over recently, he was all mr talk with her and even a different kind of person. I don't know what to do. I am not with him because I am pregnant - I have my own business and means to make it. I know I've jumbled it all together here and I am sorry. I haven't anyone to share this with and when I tried with my sister - she just says "he such a nice guy". Anyone is considered a nice guy when they say yes to everyone and lets anyone act however they want. This is the first time during my whole pregnancy that I've been so depressed and sad. I've been on total bedrest since March and unable to work etc. which makes me feel incompetent even thought its best for the baby. Anyway - I just want some direction and I've been reading my emotional alchemy book and it's helping me but not in the understanding on how to deal better with this. I want to make this last and I do truly love this man. Thank you for any input!
toughchoices Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 The physical aspect is something he should see a physician about. Apparently he has in the past with the Rx but there may be some underlying medical condition other than just age. The silence is something that perhaps IC or MC can help. What are his reasons for not opening up to you if he can do it with others? Very brief advice but others will give you more great input I am sure.
Walk Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 What do you want to talk about with your husband? Did he talk much when you two first started dating? I also know that being confined to one place without any outside influence can slow down communication. For instance.. I'm unemployed right now, and my H and I are in a communication slump. Fact of the matter is, I'm not all that energetic about communicating, he's worried about money. We both just sit silently. I've always found that bringing up news topics or something that interests my H will get him talking. Once I can get him to start talking, usually he'll go on without too much prompting. Plus, it makes him feel special when I ask questions or bring up topics that he's shown me he's interested in. And the more interested he feels I am, the more open he becomes. But I usually have to spark the communication in order to get it going.
Walk Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 Just tossing this one out there... It seems to me that your guy is trying really hard to seem like he's good enough for you, and he's scared you'll see all his weaknesses and dump him. I think this because: he hid the levitra and won't talk about it. He said he'd have to be really drunk to truly open up (which says to me that he doesn't feel comfortable being the real him around you without something to counter it). you said he's unable to perform and he said it's just cause he has to get used to you. Seems as if he's avoiding admitting HE has a problem. He implies that the problem will go away on its own. you said he acts like a different person in front of others. Seems as if he's "acting" the part of who he believes he needs to be in order to keep the support of your friends and family. He's most open in written communication. Leads me to believe that he fears rejection from you. Not that he can't communicate, or won't, but that fear is stopping him from openly expressing it. You sound like a very successful woman who doesn't need this guy in her life. Also read: The Psychology of Impotence by: Chris Morrow http://www.mamashealth.com/mental/impot.asp
Mr. Lucky Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 I want to make this last and I do truly love this man. Coursing, I'm always puzzled when I read a post like yours, because 99% of its content is at odds with your conclusion. You don't trust him and seem to have good reason not to, you're not sexually compatible and you don't seem to communicate well with each other. This is lasting love ? I understand why you would want things to work. But I also think that you have to make a realistic assessment of the current state of your relationship and its prospects for the future. Wishin' and hopin' won't get you there, it will take hard work from both parties. If he won't or can't (same thing as far as you're concerned), then you'd be better off cutting your losses now. And that may be really what your intuition is trying to tell you. Either way, good luck with your pregnancy ... Mr. Lucky
Author coursing Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 I asked him about the issue in the gentilest manner, once I moved in with him, he then said he would look into it. I can't get the not opening up part either really. I've always been the "go to" girl for guys who shared things with me that sometimes in my head I was in shock but made them feel that comfortable because I am so non-judgemental and allowing. I come from a brewd of 6 brothers - so I get along very well with men. So I am trying to understand where he is coming from. He is the first guy that has been older than me that I've been with in over 2 years. The others I simply dated were 20 to 33. My last long term relationship was with a guy 6 years younger than me and that lasted almost 3 years. My current guy almost has similar traits as him - the saying "I'm not that kind of guy or redirects my intuition questions. Which then with that guy - I knew wasn't right to carry on with but did and ended up in demise. There is something about this man that I really can't put my finger on - but I don't want to walk away when my M.O. is to simple do that without looking back or taking back! Thank you for the insight!
Author coursing Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 What do you want to talk about with your husband? Did he talk much when you two first started dating? I am one who is a fun talker and gets others to talk - with him he wasn't this way - which I guess is what intrigued me. Before we even met or dated we traded emails everyday throughout the day on myspace even though we lived 10 mns apart - I worked alot and helped promote bands on the side so dating was a total backseat so I didnt mind our not. He shared things then yes - we even bounced back dates we were recently on etc and we were friends. Once we finally met months later - we just knew that this was it. I had already made a step to not sleep with anyone for months before that and to just simply date to date and he knew that during our friendship - he was dating and sleeping with another person. He and I didn't sleep with eachother for almost the first 2 months and now when I look back - espesh his emails from the girl he was seeing before me - he obviously was the kind of guy who could only sleep with only one girl at a time. So - I know he's been thru his financial times (only due to me becoming an investigator which I DESPISE doing - but it helped me understand and how to deal with him in an inadvertant way without him knowing I knew. He is a realtor and I am in the home improvement business so we both hit the hard times. So I've been able to handle him in a manner to not make him feel inadequate or less than because I could do so.
Author coursing Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 Just tossing this one out there... all of that makes total sense to me! I am a strong independent woman and he is a very caring and do everything nice guy - which usually I run from and stick to the boys in the band who appear to have that bad side yet a whole other side when with me. He knows I was involved with a lot of bands - so I think that he may feel inferior with that. He used to be in a band - but the bands I help promote are the young upcomings. Of course I dated a few but he doesn't know who - just that I did. I took that into factor with the physical part of us because of how he may feel and slowly detached myself from my band guys - even friendships to a point. I don't want to have to change the woman I am because I like "me" and others do too! I feel myself molding into someone withdrawn to fit him to make him feel better but I know that is wrong!
Author coursing Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 Coursing, I'm always puzzled when I read a post like yours, because 99% of its content is at odds with your conclusion. You don't trust him and seem to have good reason not to, you're not sexually compatible and you don't seem to communicate well with each other. This is lasting love ? I can see where you are coming from and TRUST ME - this is the way I view it myself. I don't know why I am wanting to stay and figure this out. It has nothing to do with having a baby with him either. I look at him and see a future and that is something I've never been able to do with anyone - even my 1st husband and we had kids ( I raised his son from a baby til our divorce ended). What scares me and I am staying well aware of - is that from reading some of the emails he's had with the other women - what pattern they hold and I don't get upset with them - just curious to see what the difference with them and me. I am staying aware that I will not become controlled again by a man or live in insecurity and over the last few months I found myself feeling that way and it's really bothering me. Trying to talk to him is something I've put off just due to so many changes over the last few months such as the unexpectant baby, moving into another home, his grandma dying, him losing his home - which by the way - he knew he was begin foreclosed on and never shared this with me and asked me to move in with him. It wasn't until his grandma was dying and he knew he was going to be getting her house and then told me what was going on and that was months later. It is a good thing that my business is located in the town where we end up moving too otherwise I would've had a bad commute! So with all of these things going on, I just put things on the back burner! I'm waiting for this kid to get here - because when he does - I bounce back real quick and at that point is when I am going to pull out the guns again! In the meantime - I have all of you to help direct and inspire me with thoughts and serious looks at where I need to direct myself in all of this!!!
Walk Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 I don't want to have to change the woman I am because I like "me" and others do too! I feel myself molding into someone withdrawn to fit him to make him feel better but I know that is wrong! I'm definitely not advocating changing who you are just to make your bf feel better about himself. That's never a good thing. The more I hear about your situation though, the more I think it'd be beneficial to both of you to discuss your problems with a counselor. There's a lot going on under the surface with both of you that isn't easily identifiable, or easily remedied. So how about taking this time to research good relationship counselors who could help guide both of you into a healthier relationship? I don't think your problems are unfixable, but I do think you need to involve your bf in learning how to repair it.
Author coursing Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 I'm definitely not advocating changing who you are just to make your bf feel better about himself. That's never a good thing. I agree with you and thank you! I myself am going to go to the counselor first to deal with this as well as the whole baby thing at my age. he's the type who gets frustrated or defensive when confronted - even when in a calm and non-attacking manner. this is what makes it very hard for me to have a sit down talk with him. i'm just biding my time for now waiting for our son and i'm such a multi tasking girl in every aspect - mentally, emotionally and physically - i am able to do so without affecting my surroundings. but being here to get views and opinions is most def going to help me thru this!!!
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