hh42 Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]About 10 months ago I found out my H was involved with a much younger woman, although he keeps trying to say they were just friends, the relationship was secret from both spouses (she was married too) and I know there was emailing, phone calling and secret meetings. He says it was not a sexual relationship, I suppose I believed him at the time but who really knows. Anyway, we have a couple of children, one with slight learning disabilities and another teenage who was diagnosed with an eating disorder. So, yes the household was very stressful to say the least. Anyway, when I found out about the other woman, he said he was ending it. We tried to work on things and although it was very difficult I thought we were making some good headway. Everyone in the family is in counseling….. Then in February, I found out he was still in contact with her. They didn’t end it for very long. I discovered it when we got a family plan cell phone package (under his cell phone) and when I requested the password to be able to manage the account on-line, he refused. I had agreed to take over the bill, I do everything on-line. So of course it didn’t take a rocket scientist to know he was hiding something. I don’t know how involved they were but I finally discovered the phone calls were daily, around the same time at the school she worked at. Yes, a married, childless teacher who apparently was trying to give him advice on our kids. Yeah, you can imagine how well that set with me. This is the same person who said “well I can see that someone might perceive something is going on….” Hello, secret email, secret phone conversations, secret meetings—as far as I was concerned they were both delusional about the definition of an affair. I guess they both felt if there wasn’t sex involved, it didn’t qualify as an affair. Anyway, as soon as she finished the school day, my husband called her at the school and they were on the phone for anywhere from 30 to 90 minutes every day—the only break being the holiday school break and they started right up like clock work when school started again. So sadly it has been a horrible rollercoaster for me. I feel like I was on a trial run because he said he ended it, then started it up again but kept acting like he was working on our marriage—I feel so violated sometimes. Sleep with me, call her. The entire family was/is in counseling. He apologized after the second discovery, said he was being very selfish and stopped the affair. Mind you to this day he still doesn’t call it an affair, they were “just friends”. Now, I don’t know if it’s just gone under the radar or if it is done, I just don’t trust him anymore. There are no more phone calls. It’s been 5 months since finding out that the affair hadn’t ended. I raged for a while, then focused on my kids because I simply had to. I am now so sad and angry again. My H won’t discuss it, he seems to feel “I should be over it”, I tell him it doesn’t work that way at all. We have started going around and around again. The roller coaster of my anger and sadness has come back full force. It’s almost as bad as it was last February and when I first found out last September. I am seriously thinking I won’t get over this and that the next step is divorce. We’ve been together for over 20 years but it’s been a very up and down relationship. Right now it feels like this one might be the straw that broke the camel’s back. I guess the other woman has since had a baby, not my H's. So yes she was pregnant while she and my husband were playing “just friends”. Am I crazy, how could either of them think this was ok. I have these terrible urges to call her husband and let him know what was going on. I want to destroy her little family like mine has been destroyed. Feeling very very vengeful right now. [/FONT][/sIZE]
jon01 Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 You are not crazy. I totally agree that your H was having an affair, emotionally from what evidence you found, and who knows what else. I guess when you really love a person and you have kids, and you've been married as long as you have, you make sacrifices and still stay (like you are doing now even though you found out all this). Do this.. if you find any new information to suggest they are still in contact, then contact her husband. Better yet, you can contact the principal of her school and tell him/her how she is destroying your family. Tell the principal to have a talk with her to inform her that you are considering contacting her husband. That will f* her right up, and scare the crap out of her. That's what she deserves too.
Owl Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 Contact her H anyway...right now...with all the evidence you've had up to this point so that he can decide if he wants to remain married to her or not. Also...what has your H done to become an "open book" since this started? How is he PROVING his trustworthiness to you now? Are you in marriage counseling? Specifically, marriage counseling to help your marriage to recover from his emotional affair? If he continues the "just friends" line...do a google search for emotional affair and have him read about it. There's a good book..."Not Just Friends" out there that's a good resource as well. While you're at it...take a look for a couple more books..."Surviving an Affair", and "His Needs/Her Needs" both by Willard Harley. They can help you work through dealing with this quite a bit.
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