jane2008 Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 Hi, Recently a college friend moved back to town, and she is draining with a capital D. I knew this before she moved, we were friends for about 3 years, but it all started adding up before she left - I think there is something mentally "off" there. Everything in her life was a crisis, or an issue. I started to see a pattern, where there was always something wrong with her physically, and every relationship/friendship she had ended bc she was so demanding and needy. Every guy she dated is apparently a "psychopath," her friends who have ditched her are "jealous" or have issues because they have abandoned her, and she has sued her previous boss bc she couldn't back up her medical claims so he let her go. As I said, this started to add up more when she left, from the perspective of wow, she has bad luck, to she is unbalanced! I was relieved when she moved away, and we kept up a very superficial friendship while she was gone - once or twice a year, an email with basically "how are you." I heard nothing of her dramas. So, when she emailed me to say she was moving back, I thought maybe she has mellowed a bit, etc. since I hadn't heard about any of her dramas in the past few years. I thought, I will give it a chance but if it doesn't work I have to walk away for my own sanity. I have kept my distance from her and refused to get caught up in a close friendship with her. I've seen her twice in the two months she's been here - the first time, for a coffee, was fine, just catching up. But the 2nd time, it was the same old story, tons of dramas and crises that of course she is the victim of. If I state my opinion, that maybe it's different than she's seeing it, she argues with me. I can't be friends with her. I'm struggling with what I should do. If I tell her that she's draining, and she is all drama, no doubt she will turn it around, be the victim, cause me drama, and so on. I'm not sure exactly how to say it I guess, since she totally believes in her stories, and argues with anyone who contradicts her. It's hard to say "I think you are faking your problems" or "You cause your own drama" as she believes she is just cursed with extremely crazy situations. Since I don't see her a ton, I'm wondering if just not contacting her, and being "busy" for a few times - we have only talked/seen one another once per month so far - will do the trick. What would you do?
Ronni_W Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 Yes, you can do the "sorry, I'm busy" and not initiating contact yourself. But it sounds as if she may not be able to 'hear' subtle messages like that. If it comes down to where you need to say something, I'd suggest making it about you -- something like, "I seem to be in an 'alone' phase now...not sure what it's about....maybe some spiritual awakening or something" ~~ that is, something that is out of her league to argue about or try to "fix" or whatever is her style of clinging on. I've recently had to tell someone, "I just don't like who I am, when I'm with you. That's not about you, it's about me. I want to learn to respond better, and I can't do that with you." None of it would be lying because, in reality, the changes are coming from your own new understanding of her -- whereas before you may not have seen it clearly, or chosen to ignore, or whatever was the case, you now have the clarity and prefer not to be involved with that type of personality. And, if she goes to drama and manipulation, just stick your ground that "this is what I need to do for me. If you want to make it about you, I have no control over that" type of message. Good luck -- it is sometimes a tough haul to successfully remove these types of people from our immediate 'sphere'
quankanne Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 ah, an emotional vampire who'd prefer to suck your soul out of you and think that it's perfectly all right ... as hard as this is, because you seem like a genuinely decent person, you're just going to need to walk away from this person. Be evasive about getting together, ignore her calls, etc, even if it kills you to do so because it's bad manners. Because otherwise, she will suck you dry and not even realize it. She probably isn't a bad person, per se, just so self-involved that she can't see how her behavior affects others. eventually, she'll find someone else to bother and you're not stuck trying to maintain a friendship with someone who unable to grasp the concept of friendship.
Angel1111 Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 I've had 2 people in my life like this - years apart from one another - and I have learned to lose them quick. They will talk to you about 3 times a year and then suddenly you're their best friend. The one girl I knew, she was constantly asking my advice and then would do the exact opposite of what I'd suggest - which was her option of course - but then she'd call me and tell me about how horrible it all went (and, of course, how surprised and heartbroken she was). Like I would feel sorry for her or actually be surprised? I don't know what they're thinking half the time but these are the kind of women that make men completely nuts. But of course, to her, all the men in her life were psychos or commitment phobic. I did tell her once that she was the one pushing these guys away but she just never got it. Once, my sister and I were painting a new apt that I had moved into and this girl called to come over to visit. Before she got to my place, I told my sister that within 5 minutes of this girl arriving, she would somehow weave into the conversation what a jerk men are, or some other derrogatory comment about men. When she did just that, my sister said she almost fell over. It was really funny. The other girl used to really crack me up because when I first met her, I thought she was near the age of 60. It turned out that she wasn't even 50 but she constantly talked about how young she looked and how guys always told her this. It truly irked me and I really wanted to tell her "No! You look like crap for your age and you sound so stupid when you say that!!!." Of course, I never said that to her but I truly got sick of hearing it. Even if she had looked young, I would've gotten tired of hearing about it. Then she had a car accident because she was drunk. I clued in really quick that this girl was a reincarnation of the other one that I knew yrs before. So, I phased myself out of her life. She contacted me by email recently and I politely answered her but made no comment about getting together. The thing is, these people need others in their presence so badly that if you're not around, they'll eventually go away because you're not filling their needs. These are the only 2 'friends' (for the lack of a better word) that I have purposely walked away from in my life. But I never regretted it because they thrive on drama and I can't stand it. My suggestion to you is to not make an announcement that you don't want her in your life, just quietly disappear. She will act clueless no matter what, anyway, and she'll always be the victim. So the only reason to actually tell her is if she continues to push it.
Taramere Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 Ha! You're in luck. Earlier today, I took "A Modern Girls' Guide To Etiquette: How to get it right in every situation" out of the library. I can't say I'm overwhelmed by it, but it's a fun little read and there is some advice covering your particular problem. Here goes....My preference is for number 3 and 4 together (level of diplomacy depending on the level generally employed by the friend in question) initially. Failing which, 1, 2 and 3 together. Five easy steps to ditching a bitch 1. Stop returning the calls and emails. Harsh but swift 2. Get busy - start going out with new buddies and you won't notice the old friend's not there. 3. Don't feel bad. You're a decent person; you wouldn't be doing this if your friend weren't a pain in the ass. 4. Have it out with them. If they're not getting the hint, tell them a few home truths - but expect to hear a few in return. Be fair and diplomatic: admit you're not perfect but you do expect honesty/loyalty/kindness. 5. If they get in contact some time later, reconsider your stance. But as soon as their old characteristics rear their ugly head, don't waste anytime getting out.
Angel1111 Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 Ha! You're in luck. Earlier today, I took "A Modern Girls' Guide To Etiquette: How to get it right in every situation" out of the library. I can't say I'm overwhelmed by it, but it's a fun little read and there is some advice covering your particular problem. Here goes....My preference is for number 3 and 4 together (level of diplomacy depending on the level generally employed by the friend in question) initially. Failing which, 1, 2 and 3 together. I think there's a big difference between a bitch and a drama queen. There's no need to have it out with a drama queen because they will not hear or understand anything you say. It's a complete waste of breath. And letting this person back in your life once you ditched them is a mistake. Bitches have presence of mind. Drama queens cannot see past their own noses. The best option is to just stop returning phone calls and emails.
Taramere Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 I think there's a big difference between a bitch and a drama queen. There's no need to have it out with a drama queen because they will not hear or understand anything you say. It's a complete waste of breath. And letting this person back in your life once you ditched them is a mistake. Bitches have presence of mind. Drama queens cannot see past their own noses. The best option is to just stop returning phone calls and emails. Maybe. My preference is for giving a person the benefit of the doubt at least once by confronting them with what I see as the problem and giving them some opportunity to respond. In this case, having it out with her would involve suggesting that she see a counsellor to help her come to terms with these unfortunate situations she keeps getting into, figure out whether there's something she herself is doing to exacerbate the problem - and, if so, get some help in addressing that. My attitude would be "if she flips out at that suggestion or chooses to blank it, so be it. The friendship can end and it won't be a calamity for me." I'm not a believer in just writing friends off without first making some effort to confront them about the thing I'm annoyed about first though. If that doesn't work out, at least they know (or should know) why the friendship has ended.
Author jane2008 Posted July 24, 2008 Author Posted July 24, 2008 Hey - thank you all so much for your advice, it's great. I guess I just wanted some affirmation before ending it. I am going to keep doing what I'm doing - which is ignoring her, and just not returning phone calls/email. I can already see her leaving me alone, because I am not giving her the attention she craves for her dramas. I am going to avoid confronting her because it will not get me anywhere. I think it's smart to make it about me if I do have to say something, as one poster suggested, because there have been people in the past who have tried to talk to her and she always turns it around on them. So...unless she confronts me with "why are you ignoring me" or does something dramatic that I need to say no to, that should be fine. There are a few scenarios that would allow me to confront her - She moved in with her uncle when she arrived (poor unsuspecting guy!) I have no doubt she will drive her uncle crazy with her drama soon enough as she has lived with about 5 different people over the years, and they all had it out with her and kicked her out...I believe she would ask to stay with me, seeing as she really has no other friends. So, that would be an opportunity where I would be honest with her and let her know why I was saying no - I'm not willing to be immersed in her drama. Thanks again for all your responses.
nleeh Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 If it comes down to where you need to say something, I'd suggest making it about you -- something like, "I seem to be in an 'alone' phase now...not sure what it's about....maybe some spiritual awakening or something" ~~ that is, something that is out of her league to argue about or try to "fix" or whatever is her style of clinging on. I've recently had to tell someone, "I just don't like who I am, when I'm with you. That's not about you, it's about me. I want to learn to respond better, and I can't do that with you." Ronni_W, your suggestions are excellent. I had a friend dump me and I've done the same with a few myself and used the method of slowing down communication till there wasn't any more between us and it was soooo uncomfortable and took way to long. Your idea of having a reason up front that is centered around the self is brilliant. I hope there isn't a time I have to let another friend go but if I do, I'll use your suggestions.
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