NoIDidn't Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 I am curious as to why some people feel that not having sex is the worst thing in the world. I think other things in relationships are far more important. Plus, in most of our relationships we don't have sex with the people involved. We aren't born having sex. So its not the biggest need that we have. Its more like a want to me. I'm not saying sex isn't an important and very desireable part of an intimate relationship, at all. But, sex isn't always possible. And we can survive without it. What am I missing?
norajane Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 Passion, that's what you're missing. Without passion, we live our lives on mute.
Author NoIDidn't Posted July 23, 2008 Author Posted July 23, 2008 Passion, that's what you're missing. Without passion, we live our lives on mute. Explain please. I am not clear on what you mean. PS - don't forget you are posting to a woman that just had a baby and hasn't had sex in AWHILE! But I also don't feel like its the worst thing that could happen to me and my H.
Lizzie60 Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 methink your libido is very low... Sex, IMO, in a relationship, is as important as anything else..if not more. If it wasn't, most men wouldn't cheat. Like I said before.. sex is NOT as important for women as it is for men... for some reason.. Maybe you think that way... but most people don't.
Tyra Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 You may just be missing the true in depth pleasure from it.IMO.
Author NoIDidn't Posted July 23, 2008 Author Posted July 23, 2008 I don't think I am being understood. I like sex. I am suffering from low libido though. Just had a baby. Normal thing. My drive will return. So that's not the issue. I am asking about people who act like not having sex is akin to starving to death. People that will break up a relationship because their partner can't have sex for a season, or forever. People that just seem to only equate a relationship to having sex with the partner and not the friendship and companionship part. Is that better?
Tyra Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 Well, now I fully understand you. I never understand that logic from people either. It's like basically, their relationship is build on sex, unlike the foundation of the person as an individual. I guess they are just sex addicts.
Jilly Bean Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 You're missing a sex drive. Sex is VERY important to me. My BF and I split two weeks ago, and I am climbing the walls. When I am in a relationship, sex is a integral part of the dynamic. It becomes like a basic need. Like food. Shelter. That kind of thing. Remember, we have sex for pleasure, not just for procreation, like the bulk of the animal kingdom. It's important we indulge that evolutional gift.
norajane Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 Explain please. I am not clear on what you mean. PS - don't forget you are posting to a woman that just had a baby and hasn't had sex in AWHILE! But I also don't feel like its the worst thing that could happen to me and my H. Not having it for temporary reasons isn't the same thing as not having it much or at all. Passion adds color and depth and texture and pleasure to our lives. Without it, a relationship is really only a friendship and companionship. If that's all both people want out of a relationship, there are no worries. But that causes problems if one does want passion and the other does not care. Will we die without passion in our lives? No. But we will wilt a little. It's like choosing to live inside when there's a big, beautiful world right outside the door within reach. You can do it, but why would you choose to? Another analogy...diet chocolate. Sure, but why would you choose that when there's a rich, sensual taste experience that can't be matched by diet anything.
confused and broken Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 I don't think I am being understood. I like sex. I am suffering from low libido though. Just had a baby. Normal thing. My drive will return. So that's not the issue. I am asking about people who act like not having sex is akin to starving to death. People that will break up a relationship because their partner can't have sex for a season, or forever. People that just seem to only equate a relationship to having sex with the partner and not the friendship and companionship part. Is that better? Some people are horny and have a high sex drive... Sex is extremely important , and depending on your drive will depend how much it drives you if you know what I mean.... I know... get a vibrator... but there is also intimacy, passion etc... If you really really love someone everything including sex...can sometimes be sacrificed for that person... I not only wouldn't stay with someone who couldn't have sex, I also wouldn't stay with someone where the sex just wasn't that good for any number of reasons... call me shallow but good sex is extremely important to me...
Author NoIDidn't Posted July 23, 2008 Author Posted July 23, 2008 You're missing a sex drive. Sex is VERY important to me. My BF and I split two weeks ago, and I am climbing the walls. When I am in a relationship, sex is a integral part of the dynamic. It becomes like a basic need. Like food. Shelter. That kind of thing. Remember, we have sex for pleasure, not just for procreation, like the bulk of the animal kingdom. It's important we indulge that evolutional gift. It was in reading your rant and hearing from other friends that have recently went through break ups that made me ask the question. I hope I haven't offended you with that admission. It just sounds like you (general, you) aren't thinking about the relationship anymore when the thing that is complained about is "I'm going to miss the sex" more than anything else. Is it that you have already written off the person and are only focusing on one of the more pleasurable parts of the relationship? Being honest, I'm probably guilty of this as well. I have an ex that is an absolute ass, but the sex was awe-inspiring (most of the time). I wrote him off a long time ago, but the sex.....I wouldn't get back with him even just for that though. He was no companion, so that's why I can talk about the sex and not about the relationship. The relationship was sh!!t. Maybe I just answered my own question.
Touche Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 NJ touched on what I was going to reply with: But that causes problems if one does want passion and the other does not care. Exactly. I think two people who don't really care about sex can have a perfectly good marriage. But if one wants it and the other doesn't, then you've got a problem. Many men (and women too) equate sex with feeling needed and desired. And if they don't get that, it feels like a form of rejection to them. People want and need what they want/need. There's no right or wrong here. You say we can "survive" with out. Yes, but do you want to merely survive..or do you want to really live? There's a difference.
Author NoIDidn't Posted July 23, 2008 Author Posted July 23, 2008 Not having it for temporary reasons isn't the same thing as not having it much or at all. Passion adds color and depth and texture and pleasure to our lives. Without it, a relationship is really only a friendship and companionship. If that's all both people want out of a relationship, there are no worries. But that causes problems if one does want passion and the other does not care. Will we die without passion in our lives? No. But we will wilt a little. It's like choosing to live inside when there's a big, beautiful world right outside the door within reach. You can do it, but why would you choose to? Another analogy...diet chocolate. Sure, but why would you choose that when there's a rich, sensual taste experience that can't be matched by diet anything. Thanks for the clarification, NJ. For some reason, I am not understanding your posts. Maybe its because I don't feel it answers the question I intended to ask. Maybe its because it may be reverberating with me and I don't want to address it. I am just not able to connect with this answer much either. But I do think that you aren't only mentioning passion in a sexual way. And I CAN relate to it in a non-sexual way. Diet chocolate. Yuck! They actually make that? What a waste of nutrasweet!!! LOL.
Author NoIDidn't Posted July 23, 2008 Author Posted July 23, 2008 Many men (and women too) equate sex with feeling needed and desired. And if they don't get that, it feels like a form of rejection to them. People want and need what they want/need. There's no right or wrong here. NOW we are getting somewhere. Could it be that once a relationship is ending the lack of being wanted by someone is what I am responding to when the sex is all it seems that they remember? Interesting thought. I can certainly relate to that.
Touche Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 NOW we are getting somewhere. Could it be that once a relationship is ending the lack of being wanted by someone is what I am responding to when the sex is all it seems that they remember? Interesting thought. I can certainly relate to that. I'm not sure I understand your question. Can you clarify, please?
Author NoIDidn't Posted July 23, 2008 Author Posted July 23, 2008 I'm not sure I understand your question. Can you clarify, please? I wasn't asking a question so much as just responding to you writing the part about people equating sex with feeling wanted and desired and how not having that may feel like a rejection. That made sense to me. I know that feeling well. Hope that clarifies my response. Sorry for the confusion.
Touche Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 I wasn't asking a question so much as just responding to you writing the part about people equating sex with feeling wanted and desired and how not having that may feel like a rejection. That made sense to me. I know that feeling well. Hope that clarifies my response. Sorry for the confusion. Oh no, it's ok. I get it now. Yes, for many it's not about the sex per se, but about the feelings and meaning that go with it.
fral945 Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 I am curious as to why some people feel that not having sex is the worst thing in the world. I think other things in relationships are far more important. Plus, in most of our relationships we don't have sex with the people involved. We aren't born having sex. So its not the biggest need that we have. Its more like a want to me. I'm not saying sex isn't an important and very desireable part of an intimate relationship, at all. But, sex isn't always possible. And we can survive without it. What am I missing? You have strange logic. We are born with 2 needs: food, sleep. The desire for sex doesn't hit until puberty, but we are all set up for it, unless there is some defect within. So I would say it's a need post-puberty. Technically, you wouldn't die if you never had sex. But I can guarantee it would adversely affect me if I didn't ever have sex. It's as strong a drive as food and sleep, and it does not come about because of environmental factors (like alcohol and cigarettes). It makes a a lot more sense to me to want sex than to desire alcohol, cigarettes, etc. We aren't born with a desire for alcohol or cigarettes, nor is there an equivalent "alcohol" or "cigarette" puberty. I don't know anyone who has never desired sex, but I know plenty of people who have never desired alcohol or cigarettes. Are you female by an chance? I can't imagine a guy saying this.
Tabatha Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 Well, I am feeling as though right now, I can definately live without sex. My sex drive might have nosed dived, because lately I'm just never in the mood. My Boyfriend yesterday wanted sex, but I turned him down. When we first started dating I wanted sex, all the time. But now as we go into 8 and a half months of being together, I feel as though something is lacking or missing when we have sex. Passion. When we first started having sex, there was the excitement of being with a new person, and the passion. Maybe it's because these past few months, we've been going back and forward with our Relationship status, and going between friends and lovers, or "whatever we are", I've been feeling a real sense a mixed feelings, and emotions, and (un)stability. We've definately lost something, we need to get back, or I don't see us being happy because He'll want sex, and I won't. And as for answering your question about just missing the sex, and not your ex, never happens with me. I miss the whole person.
stoopid_guy Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 I am asking about people who act like not having sex is akin to starving to death. People that will break up a relationship because their partner can't have sex for a season' date=' or forever. People that just seem to only equate a relationship to having sex with the partner and not the friendship and companionship part.[/quote'] Different people do have different libidoes, and for some of us, intimacy/sex is what defines a relationship as being special. I get friendship and companionship from many people. Would I break up my marriage because of no intimacy? My marriage is more, it's a partnership, financial, chores, pets, and (most importantly) kids. It's very important to me, however, we have no intimacy. I'm almost always in and EA, and they occasionaly escalate to PAs. Does my wife realize? No, because she does not feel intimacy is important, so she cannot imagine me seaking it elsewhere.
Jilly Bean Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 It was in reading your rant and hearing from other friends that have recently went through break ups that made me ask the question. I hope I haven't offended you with that admission. It just sounds like you (general, you) aren't thinking about the relationship anymore when the thing that is complained about is "I'm going to miss the sex" more than anything else. Is it that you have already written off the person and are only focusing on one of the more pleasurable parts of the relationship? Being honest, I'm probably guilty of this as well. I have an ex that is an absolute ass, but the sex was awe-inspiring (most of the time). I wrote him off a long time ago, but the sex.....I wouldn't get back with him even just for that though. He was no companion, so that's why I can talk about the sex and not about the relationship. The relationship was sh!!t. Maybe I just answered my own question. Well, I think when you break-up, you miss a lot of things. Emotionally you process the pain and hurt, but physically, the touch of another becomes addicting and routine. It's very palpable for (me) to lose that. So yes, I think when one ends a relationship, it's natural to focus on the good parts that are suddenly missing. I mean, it took me WEEKS to get used to the noises he made when sleeping, and now it's too quiet at night.
sfsassy Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 I don't think I am being understood. I like sex. I am suffering from low libido though. Just had a baby. Normal thing. My drive will return. So that's not the issue. I am asking about people who act like not having sex is akin to starving to death. People that will break up a relationship because their partner can't have sex for a season, or forever. People that just seem to only equate a relationship to having sex with the partner and not the friendship and companionship part. Is that better? Isn't that what differetiates a friedship from a relationship, If I was in a longtern relationship, and my partner suddenly couldn't have sex, I would deal with it. I would reason that our love, compannionship was more important than sex. Plus, I would want to be there for my partner, since something like that may be part of a bigger issue. If we were just dating, and I wasn't in love yet, if it was a season, depending on my feelings, I would deal with it. If it was going to be forever I would most likely decide to date others. I really love sex, and wouldn't want to give that up for a "maybe" guy. A person I'm in love with, yes, I would.
sfsassy Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 Different people do have different libidoes, and for some of us, intimacy/sex is what defines a relationship as being special. I get friendship and companionship from many people. Would I break up my marriage because of no intimacy? My marriage is more, it's a partnership, financial, chores, pets, and (most importantly) kids. It's very important to me, however, we have no intimacy. I'm almost always in and EA, and they occasionaly escalate to PAs. Does my wife realize? No, because she does not feel intimacy is important, so she cannot imagine me seaking it elsewhere. I don't condonne what you are doing, but I do see your point. For those wiithout a high libido, is is a bit difficult to explain. I know a lot of people who say things like "I would rather eat cake than have sex" or something to that affect. Not me! In your particular case I think both you and your wife need IC annd MC as the way you are dealing with it is not healthy.
sfsassy Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 Well, I am feeling as though right now, I can definately live without sex. My sex drive might have nosed dived, because lately I'm just never in the mood. My Boyfriend yesterday wanted sex, but I turned him down. When we first started dating I wanted sex, all the time. But now as we go into 8 and a half months of being together, I feel as though something is lacking or missing when we have sex. Passion. When we first started having sex, there was the excitement of being with a new person, and the passion. Maybe it's because these past few months, we've been going back and forward with our Relationship status, and going between friends and lovers, or "whatever we are", I've been feeling a real sense a mixed feelings, and emotions, and (un)stability. We've definately lost something, we need to get back, or I don't see us being happy because He'll want sex, and I won't. And as for answering your question about just missing the sex, and not your ex, never happens with me. I miss the whole person. But see that is different. It is more situational. I had this happen with one of my exes. If you figure it out with him, or someonne else, you will probably get your drive back. I miss the sex exclusively from my last ex Our chemistry was incredible.
Author NoIDidn't Posted July 23, 2008 Author Posted July 23, 2008 Different people do have different libidoes, and for some of us, intimacy/sex is what defines a relationship as being special. I get friendship and companionship from many people. Would I break up my marriage because of no intimacy? My marriage is more, it's a partnership, financial, chores, pets, and (most importantly) kids. It's very important to me, however, we have no intimacy. I'm almost always in and EA, and they occasionaly escalate to PAs. Does my wife realize? No, because she does not feel intimacy is important, so she cannot imagine me seaking it elsewhere. Not that I am condoning your actions, but I can see where you are coming from but with a different angle. If I were ever to cheat, it would be purely for sex. I love my H and don't *need* another love relationship. But I get the sense that your W isn't getting something that she needs from you within your M or she would be more intimate with you, IMHO. See my H had an EA but it had more to do with the fact that he wasn't as invested in the marriage as he believed he was. When he saw that, things changed. Maybe you should ask your W what her needs are and she might be able to meet yours better? But I do understand while not condoning what you are saying.
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