Author sunshinegirl Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 My ex-husband was unbelievably empathetic, so I can tell genuine sorrow or empathy when I see/hear it. My ex-boyfriend just isn't capable of it, it seems. He also had a painful childhood and told me that his ex-wife used to lament this about him as well. Empathy is developed at a young age, and so it's difficult for me to believe that he'll ever develop this skill at this point. The inability to empathize is something I can't live with in a relationship, honestly. I'm not the most empathetic person around, but I can absolutely empathize with true pain, loss and sorrow. I know when to shut up and just listen and it's evident on my face that I care. I just can't imagine spending my life with someone who can't empathize. To me, that would be unbearable and so very painful. If the bolded part is true, then I am really at a loss to figure out what happened when my ex was young. He hardly remembers his childhood (which I find strange), but his parents are utterly delightful people. We had a mutual admiration society- they loved me and I loved them and *they* showed all kinds of interest/empathy toward me. The only thing I can think of is that Eric said once or twice that his dad was pretty strict when they were kids. And he had a VERY strong opinion against corporal punishment (called it "morally bankrupt") and having rules (he prefers to set "expectations" for his daughter, not rules). On another note, who COULD have a healthy, happy relationship with someone who can't feel or display empathy?
Author sunshinegirl Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 sunshinegirl: I don't think your ex is malicious (not even my ex is), I just think that he has been a jerk to you. And nothing of the things you wrote indicates that any of this was your fault. Therefore, it is highly unlikely that he will really change with somebody else, or love somebody else (even his daughter) unconditionally. It doesn't sound like him. He simply is not a person that could make you happy. He lacks empathy, interest in other people, an understanding of a perspective that is not his own among many other things. It's not even about the cheating. He never would have made you happy in the long run. You're realising this now. And I think that's good. You were not dumped, you were set free! NM, I missed seeing this yesterday somehow. Thank you. Every time I sink into missing him and being sad, the only thing that helps me out of it is to remember that he would have made me unhappy in the long run. I have to remind myself that I sensed it when we were together. I was always wary of his non-communication and non-feeling ways of being... I just buried all those concerns because I wanted it to work so much.
Issues & tissues Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 His 'box' sounds a lot like my mom's. There is no outward sign of what they perceive as "negative"...no anger or aggression. Mine cannot even admit to the mild feeling of 'frustration'. Everything is always good and fine and no problem. Mine is a brave little soldier, indeed. (And that is how she wants my reality to be...all good and fine and no problem. Except, I don't LIKE that box!!!) Their intentions are loving and honourable...they do honestly, genuinely believe that everything they do is for someone else. But, in the subconscious, that plays out as always sacrificing, doing something "nice" and their actions not being properly recognized. But they are really doing "nice" things in an effort to get or keep someone else's love and affection...it becomes a manipulative tactic...there is an expectation that "if I do this, you will or ought to love me how I want to be loved." It is subconscious. And HOW they are doing it is according to their own box. For example. If they really enjoy Beethoven, they will lovingly purchase you 300 Beethoven CDs EVEN AFTER you have indicated that you prefer RadioHead...or Brahms, for that matter. And they will (subconsciously) feel rejected, instead of being able to conclude your reality...that you only rejected Beethoven. Wow! Thanks for posting Ronni. That has put a whole lot of perspective on my own parents and how I react around them. Jeez...sounds like the whole bunch of us are pretty screwed up! :laugh:
sandflea Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 Early-ish in our relationship, my ex admitted that he couldn't empathize with people. At the time, I remember being a little taken aback by that, but I rationalized it with "well, he's aware of it at least!" He wasn't lying, that's for sure. There were lots of instances throughout our relationship where he just didn't see, understand, or care what was happening with other people. It bothered me, but again I justified it somehow. Yesterday, I started thinking: a person who can't empathize with others probably can't ever truly love someone else. It was a rather obvious "duh" moment for me: he probably didn't love me after all. How could he? He couldn't empathize with me. So he IS broken. He could cheat because he couldn't place himself in my shoes to understand the devastation he was causing (which is flabbergasting considering he was cheated on so he has a direct experience of what he put me through). He has learned nothing from his failed marriage because he couldn't ever see the world from his wife's perspective (empathy), to see what HE had done to contribute to its demise. He could leap directly into another next relationship after me, because he doesn't care about the pain he will eventually cause the hooch due to his effed-up-ness. I wish I had connected the lack of empathy to an inability to love much much sooner. How did I think I would be a shining exception to his general disdain of, and lack of concern for, humanity? (I know the answer, actually: he does love his daughter. And that threw me off and made me think he was capable of loving me.) No emotional maturity and a lack of empathy? Yeah - I just lived this. Sometimes people like this appear cold and self centered as well. It's hard to love someone like this because, as you have discovered, they "can't" put themselves in your shoes, anticipate the pain they may cause, or "relate" in a tender way. Maybe, if they're lucky, they'll meet their match one day! HA!
Ronni_W Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 Wow! Thanks for posting Ronni. That has put a whole lot of perspective on my own parents and how I react around them. Jeez...sounds like the whole bunch of us are pretty screwed up! Glad you received something out of it, I&T. Yes...it is the whole 'Collective Unconscious' that is screwed up, that's for sure . How I like to look at it is that we here at LS are at least learning different possibilities from which to choose...so we don't have to screw-up the next generation nearly half as badly as all the prior generations messed with their kids' heads
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