pandagirl Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 Things with my ex have gone from good to bad. It was an amicable spilt with a hope for friendship, which has been going well for the past couple months until he's disappeared without explanation. I'm tired of doing all the work. It hurts, but whatever -- it's his loss and if he doesn't want to put in the effort, then so be it. The problem is though emotional and mentally I am moving on, I STILL THINK HE IS SO HOT. I feel like I'm never going to find another guy so gorgeous. When does this stop? Does it ever?? ugh.
northstar1 Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 Things with my ex have gone from good to bad. It was an amicable spilt with a hope for friendship, which has been going well for the past couple months until he's disappeared without explanation. I'm tired of doing all the work. It hurts, but whatever -- it's his loss and if he doesn't want to put in the effort, then so be it. The problem is though emotional and mentally I am moving on, I STILL THINK HE IS SO HOT. I feel like I'm never going to find another guy so gorgeous. When does this stop? Does it ever?? ugh. It's the pedestal thing. You have him on the pedestal. You're only allowing yourself to think of the good things about him, not the bad, or the bad habits. You're idealizing him as a way of not letting go fully. Are you out meeting/dating others?
roghornio Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 You know the sad thing is if you wanted to you probably wouldn't. But your mind + time, thouse thoughts fade away, you forget. and in essence thats moving on. Forgetting.
carhill Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 Part of emotional detachment is objectively seeing someone is physically attractive, but not attractive to you, even to the extent of openly complimenting them on such. You'll note I often do this here regarding my wife. There's a world full of physically beautiful (hot) people from whom I derive no physical attraction and part of letting go is having a SO join that group. I agree, it's the "pedestal" thing. For me, familiarity will be the last thing to go, but the physical thing was pretty far down the road to indifference. Perhaps, given what I remember of your circumstances, you got stuck in the physical part, not having the time to really get to know him, so your image of him is a combination of physical and sexual attraction, simply because there is little other emotional/spiritual/intellectual context. In some ways, this "pedestal" phenomenon is what kept my connection and desire for my friend strong for so many years. We knew each other, but not deeply in the everyday sense, and my sexual attraction was strong, so it remained with me, so much so that, upon meeting her again after many years and her changing a great deal physically, I still had a strong sexual attraction to her, even though I likely wouldn't have given her a second glance on the street if we had never known each other. Fascinating stuff The cure IMO is to just quietly take in the world of people around you, especially those who go out of their way to engage you and show interest. This man's "hotness" will fade, as it is merely a construct within your mind. Free your mind
Author pandagirl Posted July 23, 2008 Author Posted July 23, 2008 It's the pedestal thing. You have him on the pedestal. You're only allowing yourself to think of the good things about him, not the bad, or the bad habits. You're idealizing him as a way of not letting go fully. Are you out meeting/dating others? A pedastal. I guess he is still partly up on that. I should go make a list of all the bad things about him to remind myself.... I'm trying to meet/date other people. But, you know, it's difficult! Especially, when he's so cute.
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 And also remember he's your ex. Your EX. He doesnt need to be all up under you. He probably has a life and wants to live it. He disappears for a time because it's his life he isnt attached and he doesnt need to answer to anyone for it. He's not in a committed relationship. what he does should be none of your business. That's why I prefer not to be friends with any of my exes. because they are too nosy and still catch feelings when i chill with a new female. Friends with ex make no sense to me. If you guys still got feelings for one another why be apart, why not be together. It is torture for a man to have deep feelings for a girl but he cant be with her on account she cant make up her damn mind.
carhill Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 PG, IMO it's counterproductive to "make a list of the bad things".....it just takes up more of your brain time being focussed on him. Rather, tell yourself that no one belongs on such a pedestal, not even you, and that we are all human and flawed. You each embraced the others totality and for whatever reason it didn't work out. He is normal. You are normal. Life goes on
Author pandagirl Posted July 23, 2008 Author Posted July 23, 2008 Ugh! One of my biggest issues in life is "letting go." I've been reading a lot of Buddhist literature, because its idea "attachment" is all about this and how it is bad for the soul. I get it. Believe me I do. But, then there is this part of me who only wants to see the good in people and wants to believe in perfection, which, logically, I know doesn't exist. The connection I had with this guy was everything BUT emotional. We mentally clicked, our humors clicked, we were very physically attracted to each other. But, emotionally, we're completely two different beasts (me: super-sensitive; him: emotionally distant) which is why I wasn't really heartbroken over the breakup. I guess I feel like this is the REAL breakup. The one where we aren't friends anymore. And this hurts. We clicked so amazingly from the first minute we met as people who just GOT ALONG. We're two very particular personalities and the fact that we could talk for hours was unusual for both of us, even our friends loved each other. So, in short, I am mourning the loss of a person right now, not a lover. Though, yes, I still think he is hot, but it's partly because I think he's so freaking smart and funny -- the things that attracted me to him in the first place. (OK, and he is tall, blonde, blue-eyed and athletic architect doesn't help matters.) I need to learn how to let go and be ok with people coming and going from my life, but it's really the most painful thing for me to do.
carhill Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 I need to learn how to let go and be ok with people coming and going from my life, but it's really the most painful thing for me to do. Yes, it's a function of your emotional sensitivity. My best advice is to learn to use this as a strength. Know that you're special and are fortunate that you can love deeply and become emotionally attached to another person in an elemental way. It's a gift that not all people have. Losing people, whether through life change or death, is part of being human. There is always loss. Let it hurt. Again, remember it's your strength.
Author pandagirl Posted July 23, 2008 Author Posted July 23, 2008 Yes, it's a function of your emotional sensitivity. My best advice is to learn to use this as a strength. Know that you're special and are fortunate that you can love deeply and become emotionally attached to another person in an elemental way. It's a gift that not all people have. Losing people, whether through life change or death, is part of being human. There is always loss. Let it hurt. Again, remember it's your strength. Aw, this kind of made me tear up. SEE HOW SENSITIVE I AM??? haha. I know there will always be loss, but in a way, what is more frustrating is dealing with people who don't care or not able to see my point of view. All my friends tell me what a big heart I have and what a good person I am, but sometimes I just get tired of caring so much, because it causes me pain. Sometimes I feel burdened. I understand I have to learn to cope with these feelings better though.
sunshinegirl Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 The problem is though emotional and mentally I am moving on, I STILL THINK HE IS SO HOT. I feel like I'm never going to find another guy so gorgeous. I struggle with this. I'm not a shallow person, but I somehow got really hooked on my ex because he is so good looking. Our sexual chemistry was off the charts and I really think it blinded me to his character. To be honest, if he weren't as good looking as he is, our relationship would never have gotten off the ground. And now I am left with similar thoughts of - what if I am never as attracted to anyone else again? But then I have to remind myself that I've been in love four times and each time I was always physically attracted to the guy. And I try to remind myself that a pretty package can't compensate for an ugly--or empty--core.
Author pandagirl Posted July 23, 2008 Author Posted July 23, 2008 God not long! We dated intensely for about 1.5 months, and it's been almost 3 months since we've been friends. You know, when he broke up with me, if you guys remember, I wasn't very upset. I didn't cry or lose any sleep. I think it's because I knew he'd still be in my life and be friends that I was like: oh well! I mean, I know give me a month, and I'll probably be fine. I realize this is not about him, but about me and my inability to "let go." I'm not sure what this says about me.
iwish Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 I have a similar problem with my ex. She too me is the most beautiful creature on the planet and i can't see myself ever finding anyone attractive again.. And the sex!!
Art_Critic Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 I mean, I know give me a month, and I'll probably be fine. I realize this is not about him, but about me and my inability to "let go." I'm not sure what this says about me. It says that you are human PG.. Sometimes the intensity of quick relationships can make letting go harder.. It seems you might have been invested in him quite a bit more than you realized. I think you need a very clean break to exorcise him from you brain. Please stop contacting him and stop trying to hold together a friendship.. it won't work and will only prolong your pain...maybe you can do the friendship thing later on but not until your feelings are in check...
bish Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 The problem is though emotional and mentally I am moving on, I STILL THINK HE IS SO HOT. I feel like I'm never going to find another guy so gorgeous. Maybe that is the crux of the problem. You go for looks and not substance. Not saying us guys that are pleasing to the eye don't have substance, but if that is your #1 priority, then you will continue to get guys like this.
bish Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 God not long! We dated intensely for about 1.5 months, and it's been almost 3 months since we've been friends. You know, when he broke up with me, if you guys remember, I wasn't very upset. I didn't cry or lose any sleep. I think it's because I knew he'd still be in my life and be friends that I was like: oh well! Well if you ever expect to have a relationship again, then I'm sorry to say, being friends with this guy isn't a good thing. You will never be satisfied with who you have because you will always be comparing them to him..that is unless he is out of the picture completely. And if you see this guy on a regular basis, don't say you won't want him. and how would that be fair to a current squeeze you find yourself with?
Author pandagirl Posted July 23, 2008 Author Posted July 23, 2008 Maybe that is the crux of the problem. You go for looks and not substance. Not saying us guys that are pleasing to the eye don't have substance, but if that is your #1 priority, then you will continue to get guys like this. Not at all! In fact, when I first met my ex, and all my friends can attest to this, I wasn't sold on his looks. Yes, he is very attractive, but stereotypically not my type. It was his personality that made me think he was so gorgeous. We connect mentally in a way I rarely have with others. Well if you ever expect to have a relationship again, then I'm sorry to say, being friends with this guy isn't a good thing. You will never be satisfied with who you have because you will always be comparing them to him..that is unless he is out of the picture completely. And if you see this guy on a regular basis, don't say you won't want him. and how would that be fair to a current squeeze you find yourself with? Certain attributes that he possesses, will be hard to beat. Others, he is severely lacking in. I think it just hurts he's blowing me off. I always treat people honestly and respectfully and it hurts that he's doing this with no explanation. Please stop contacting him and stop trying to hold together a friendship.. it won't work and will only prolong your pain...maybe you can do the friendship thing later on but not until your feelings are in check... I think I'm afraid that if I let things go for now, that I WON'T want a friendship with him, because I'll be over it in time. Holding onto something and not sure why. Maybe it's because then it means it wasn't real.
Nevermind Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 Art is right. I tried to form a friendship while my feelings were still all over the place. He expected me to be over it, I wasn't, he was annoyed, etc. A friendship is now utterly impossible. In my case that's a good thing, though. Stay away from contacting him until there is no more pain or mixed feelings. On-topic: My ex still looks good. He simply is good-looking. But I don't find him attractive anymore. Big difference.
Author pandagirl Posted July 23, 2008 Author Posted July 23, 2008 Art is right. I tried to form a friendship while my feelings were still all over the place. He expected me to be over it, I wasn't, he was annoyed, etc. A friendship is now utterly impossible. In my case that's a good thing, though. Stay away from contacting him until there is no more pain or mixed feelings. On-topic: My ex still looks good. He simply is good-looking. But I don't find him attractive anymore. Big difference. Did he break up with you or vice versa? There is pain from him not being honest. Mixed feelings come in the way of hormones. I am mature enough to handle eventually being friends with him, but not if he's being an a-hole!
Nevermind Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 I actually can't tell you who broke up with whom. I did say it, but he did cheat and abuse. So...in a way we both ended it. If he is an arse, then stay away from him. If you still have feelings, stay away from him. Only when you are healed and can see that he would enrich your life (as a friend), that you'd enrich his (as a friend) and that their are no more unresolved feelings between you, only then should you seek contact with the ex.
Author pandagirl Posted July 23, 2008 Author Posted July 23, 2008 His indifference to you and his not being into you at all are what are actually keeping you hanging on. It makes him all the more attractive, the more he doesn't want you, the more you want him. When he broke up with me, I instated NC. Of course, he was emailing and calling me. When we finally started talking again, I decided I wanted to just hookup. Which we did a couple times. A few weeks ago, we stopped doing that as we both realized it wasn't good. Now, *I* have been on good behavior and now he has stopped contacting me, though when he's around me, we really have a good time and nothing seems wrong. I can handle time apart. I just wish he would tell me what's on his mind.
sultry33 Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 i cannot say that my ex was "hot" because really he wasnt;) but to me he was purrfect.. he was sensitive, attentive, loving, caring. honest i think.. had an amazing butt, lovely eyes.. deep soul.. was strong and protective.. funny and slightly boring too lol but to me he was everything.. even his kiss was just right id love to be able to just find someone who can make my belly flip just from a kiss or look.. noone kisses like him and i miss that.. there are guys that i know that are "hot" but id trade that for all of the above anyday:)
Gala Posted July 27, 2008 Posted July 27, 2008 One of my worst heartbreaks came from one. They're this particular combination of artistic and intellectual, often with a bit of the analytical mechanic/builder thrown in. They are usually perfectionistic and idealistic - and for this reason can withdraw in some very troubling ways. And when they're attractive besides... I agree with those who advise you to keep working on yourself.
Author pandagirl Posted July 27, 2008 Author Posted July 27, 2008 One of my worst heartbreaks came from one. They're this particular combination of artistic and intellectual, often with a bit of the analytical mechanic/builder thrown in. They are usually perfectionistic and idealistic - and for this reason can withdraw in some very troubling ways. And when they're attractive besides... I agree with those who advise you to keep working on yourself. Wow. You pretty much described him to a tee! So crazy. And, yes, he is very idealistic in a weird way, even though he is very analytical. Why did your architect break up with you? I'm curious to know!
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