LakesideDream Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 Cherry you might start by seeing your actions through his eyes? How do you think he feels when he closes his eyes for sleep and all that he sees is the image of you, legs spread wide being penetrated by your affair partner? He's imagining it all, the mans thrusting, your hips rolling in reply, finally you squeeling with pleasure as you orgasm. That's what a betrayed male see's in his imagination. I know, been there done that. I only saw it a few times though, as I ended it right then and there. Those visions will absolutely NEVER go dissappear completely. They may become less frequent, but they will always be there lurking behind the scenes.. lurking waiting. It'll only take a "private" phone call... or you clicking off a site when he comes into the room for those visions of you wreathing in extacy riding another man to return. Your only hope is to make him want to make the marriage work more valuable to him than ending the hurt he feels. Not an easy task.
Darth Vader Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 Now this is the digusting, and ugly situation of an affair in the RAW! I'm usually the one who states it in this fashion! This one has learned well.......... Anyway, That is the truth of what he's saying! No matter how blunt, or gruesome he's saying it.
pelicanpreacher Posted August 9, 2008 Posted August 9, 2008 1st you should have a long heart to heart talk with your husband to find out what he wants to do about this marriage. If you are both in consensus to fix the marriage then an agreement should be entered stipulating that neither party can use injurious past actions in defense of current or future disagreements or while discoursing on any issues indemic to the core dysfunction of the future relationship nor shall either party be permitted to engage in future affairs or abuse of any kind. If either party should breach this agreement then both parties shall understand and agree that the offended party shall receive sole custody of all children born to the marriage, shall receive alimony and child support until all children have achieved the age of majority, and be granted all assets accrued during the course of the marriage. A new wedding ceremony shall be ordered and consumated within 2 years of acceptance of this agreement with the provision that both parties receive and succeed in accomplishing the requirements of IC and MC to the satisfaction of an independently named mediator agreed upon by both parties. In effect, this agreement shall be enforced to ensure that both parties forgive and forget about all affairs and abuse incurred prior to the acceptance of this contract for the sake of allowing a new marriage to be forged without encumbrance of the detrimental specter(s) of the past. (of course, please take this post "tongue in cheek" for this is not a serious legal option as there is very little legal precedence of successfully executed post-nuptual agreements and the courts will always have the final say on what is in the best interest of the children regarding custody)
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 9, 2008 Posted August 9, 2008 I would love someone to tell me how I can make this easier and better for him and what I need to do. Praise and adoration. Use those liberally, and with patience you will see improvement.
Author cherrymoon Posted August 12, 2008 Author Posted August 12, 2008 Thank you everyone. This weekend together was good. No arguing or digging up the past. Fear of being hurt I guess is so up there for both of us. Learning to trust and understand each other. Here is what he has told me: He gets angry sometimes for no reason (as in there was no trigger, nothing I say or do, only what i did). when this happens he gets over whelmed and a million questions pour into his head and he starts the Blame thing again. Every morning without fail he wakes up hurting not because of what I did but that he didn't listen and that he acted in ways that caused me such hurt. He threw away his best friend, the love of his life by not bothering and by being immature and cruel. He avoids theone area I need closure from as it is so panful for him and he feels such guilt and shame. He always turns it back on me because this is a learnt habit and he is trying to change that (he is I can see it ) Sometimes being with me is too painful as it makes him have to look at all he has done, when this happens he then relives what I have done. He will not let me go, he can't. He has done everything to hurt me to force a wedge between us and when I do leave he can't cop. He wants this he is just (as am I) lost on how to move on. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- We will attend counselling, we are both very slow to pick one as we want one that will help us (bad experience with the last 2). I want and need him to give up all contact with OW. I know they are no longer physically involved and she lives the other end of the country but I am uncomfortable with there being emails and texts. I have not "demanded" that it stop but I have told him I am uncomfortable with it. Am I allowed to ask him to cut all contact?? I understand this will be a slow process, I am glad that we have come as far as we have. I cannot show him the love and affection I used to because honestly I will never love anybody as much as I loved him and it constantly caused me hurt. I can only put in what I get back, I do make him laugh, I am always available to him, I hold his hand, I say "I love you" I do not put any pressure on him to say it back. I am giving up everything to be with him. We will be ok oneday. Thanks to everyone
bish Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Cherry you might start by seeing your actions through his eyes? How do you think he feels when he closes his eyes for sleep and all that he sees is the image of you, legs spread wide being penetrated by your affair partner? He's imagining it all, the mans thrusting, your hips rolling in reply, finally you squeeling with pleasure as you orgasm. That's what a betrayed male see's in his imagination. . Spot on. She needs to see it through his eyes. Even if he doesn't show it, he IS angry inside, VERY angry.
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