how can I make this better

[cherrymoon]

Finally I have the courage and the words to ask for your advise.

 

2 years ago I stupidly had an affair.

My marriage was not the worst but it was very very ruining me, I was in a situation where Icouldn't handle it anymore. I thought that I would have to end it (my marriage) but 4 kids and a whole bucket of life together meant I kept brushing the idea and the hurt under the mat.

 

The story is so long and irrelevant really as nothing justifys an affair.

 

I was found out after the affair had finished, I admitted it and to be honest I don't think I cared. That was th just the numb place I was in. Lots happened, awful things happened and no matter how much I tried I could not fix the marriage

 

2 wrongs don't make a right. This situation could not have been any worse or messier.

His reaction meant I was now in another sitaution too big for me to handle.

 

I didn't live through it I survived it and after a year of sheer hell and 3 attempts to fix this marriage I realised I couldn't do it on my own and I had to get out.

I moved 100miles away and rebuilt my life with my kids, became sane, Got healthy, learnt to sleep without nightmares and fixed my kids. I found contentness not happiness.

 

I learnt how to deal with him and how to take my power back, He realised he was actually lossing me (in truth he never lost me I love him and always wanted to fix us) and started to act in a kind way, we started to become friends again and finally a few weeks ago he asked me home.

 

I have not moved back as the last few times we tried it was too awful and cruel on the kids. So I stay half the week with him and the other half in my new house.

 

It is ok between us but not great, I know it will take time and that is fine to a point.

However I stumble here because I cannot fix my marriage as long as he walks around saying he is not to blame for any of my hurt and that Ihave no reason not to trust him.

 

I appreciate that he doesn't trust me. I absolutely have nothing to hide so he can have access to whatever he wants, I have already decided that I will not socialise without him I am willing to be i a cage as actualy I lied and ruined what we had.

 

Here are my problems with him.

He became very very violent and hurt me, I have dealt with it as best I can and luckly an amazing man came into my life after H an I seperated (H knows) and brought me through this trauma.

 

My problem is H brushes this off by saying "if you hadn't of had an affair I would't have done it"

this is true however it has been done and for me to be able to rebuild , I need to feel his remorse. Or do I, is it necessary?

 

He Moved in with a girl 3days after leaving our home (i know this was rebound and just another knee jerk reaction) He came back to me twice and cheated on me with her. There goes my trust.

He says he did it because he couldn't fix us and that he had lost respect for me but that it wasn't cheating????

 

My pain and hurt is nothing in comparison to his. Absolutely but I still hurt and need to be reassured and my pain is as incomprehensible to him as his is to me.

 

Every week it gets a little bit better and I find myself falling back into my routine with him.

Physically wwe are better than ever. We both know we have seen others over the period of our seperation and much and all as we hate it we respect the fact that we were not together so we don't talk about it.

 

My problems are this, I am tired and exhausted of being all to blame for the sitaution we are in, he acknowledges the fact that he mistreated me in our marriage but I can't see any changes.

When he gets angry he throws the affair at me and he apologises and says he knows I never throw anything back at him.

I am lost though as I don't trust him he has promised me beforre that he wants me and then he does something awful to me.

 

How do I move on?

How do I rebuild his trust in me.

How can I stop carrying the burden of what I did and what he did without him helping me.

I need direction here please.

 

There is no point in anybody telling me that my marriage cannot be fixed as I am sorry my heart is in this and I will strive to fix it. We are going to get help when I move back but that scares me too as that will bring up a lot of old hurt.

 

I just need him to acknowledge my pain and help and reassure me too.

I am not sure am I making sense.

 

We both love each other that is very obvious but the love is a bit battered.

Any advice would be helpful. Maybe someone just to tell me what he is feeling and how best to communicate our needs to each other.

 

Thanks for reading

[Chrome Barracuda]

I would say he's in an anger stage as well he should be his wife betrayed him and he betrayed you, so he's feeling it both ways, guilt and embarassment. The thing is you need to give it time. Ease his fears and tell him the truth, that there will be no more affairs. no more lies and your committed to the marraige and rebuilding of your lives. and show him through your actions you mean it. Supposrt him, pursue him, buy him flowers, ask him out.

 

I mean men wanna be loved too you know.

[carhill]

4 kids, eh? Can you imagine what they've felt all those years?

 

Does marriage counseling exist where you live in Ireland? Are either/both of you religious? I ask because you wish to work on communication and meeting each other's needs. A religious or secular counselor can help with that part. Recovering a seriously wounded marriage can take many years, if not a lifetime. Are you up for that?

 

I've only had one experience with your dynamic and it ended up lousy all around. It happened to someone I love very much and essentially, to me, left her hollow. I don't know how old you are, but I'm talking about something which started when the children were infants and those children are now grown and this person is a grandmother. Truly a lifetime of pain.

 

I hope you have better fortune, especially for your kids

[Ladyjane14]

Forgiveness is easy. It's sticking to it that's hard.

 

There's literally NOTHING you can do until you're both ready to stick to your forgiveness decision. Because until you do... you're each going to throw the other's sins back whenever you're overly stressed.

 

Mutual Forgiveness of EVERY transgression cleans the slate. It gives you both a brand new start. But you have to remind yourselves DAILY that you chose it. It's not fair and it's not honorable to give someone your forgiveness... and then rescind it just 'cause you're having a tough moment. Either you stand by your word or you don't.

 

Now, there are some who wouldn't forgive a physical affair. And some who wouldn't forgive violence within the relationship. To be honest... I might be one such on both counts.

But if you're both bound and determined to do this thing, you can't go at it half-assed. You've got to put yourselves out there emotionally and TRULY forgive each other.

 

Unfortunately, you can only control YOU. So... if he doesn't get on board, there's no way you can "fix" this alone. You've BOTH got to forgive each other and then stand by your forgiveness decision as a matter of personal honor, reminding yourselves DAILY that you've made this choice and that the past is 'off limits' in terms of hard-feelings.

[Ladyjane14]

You've BOTH got to forgive each other and then stand by your forgiveness decision as a matter of personal honor, reminding yourselves DAILY that you've made this choice and that the past is 'off limits' in terms of hard-feelings.

 

Let me clarify that just a bit more.... This isn't limited to just not bringing it up in a fight. It means, you don't NURSE those wounds anymore. You don't privately indulge in any wallowing. You let these things go from the inside out and you REMIND yourself every time you find yourself on the brink of self-pity that you're sticking by your word. And that means BOTH of you.

[cherrymoon]

Thank you all so much.

 

Firstly Yes we have counselling. We already have attended 3 counsellors, the last one he remained with personally and she was brilliant for him.

The other two, wiped the floor with him, he got bashed repeatedly by them and I got compasion and understanding for why I found myself in an affair. Ridiculous I had an affair because I chose to, because I wanted to be selfish and feck it I think i wanted him to hurt, (that one i am really not sure of as I was in such a depressed and dark place, i was very ill and had a break down).

 

My kids are amazing, They have seen a little too much, sadly and their dad graphically told them what their mother did. However I am very open with my kids and I pulled them in and I have worked my arse off to heal them and they are fantastic. They love us both and want us to be together and have kept their grades up in school. Amazing kids. Luckily i didn't allow the situation progress that they lived with abuse or violence for a period of time. i took them away.

 

We talk everyday, they open up to be and their honesty hurts me at times but we deal with it Their dad is a fantastic father and yeah he made some crap desisions but he was blind with hurt and they seem to know this. Their capacity to love us and forgive us is inspiring.

He and I have never bad mouthed each other to them (ok he told them, but after that).

Yes they have wounds and always will but I think they will be ok. I hope, they will and i am open to any suggestions on how to heal them even more.

 

H and I had a fight the other day It wasn't abusive and it was away from the kids however my 15 yr old heard us. My H spoke to him after and said yeah there will be loads more of them till this is sorted but look we hugged and made up and we are holding hands again. He was down stairs a few minutes later messing with us.

 

I totally and absolutely forgive him. I don't think or talk about it I guess I need him just to acknowledge it and understand how much it hurt me.

I suppose in the way that if I pretended to him that I never had the afair and that we are messed up because of his actions. I don't blame him I just need him to realise what he did was wrong on so many levels.

He keeps saying, "so We are even we can wipe that away" and I say no it isn't even we need to acknowledge that this hurt you or I and hold each other and help heal that pain and do what the other asks so not to hurt each other again.

He says he forgives me everyday. I don't forgive myself. I don't forgive him everyday, I am so not angry or bitter, I see it as a crime of passion all rational went out the window, fear and jealousy and hurt and loss made him do something that some would say is unforgiveable.

 

I forgive him, he was there when our kids were born, he was there in my life so many times when I needed him, he is the father of my amazing kids, I don't want to carry this with me and let it hurt me again.

 

Chrome, I think you hit the nail on the head, I also think he feels so ashamed and guilty and that by admitting to what he has done he is once again hating himself.

 

He avoids all discussion on what happened that night and how he behaved with other woman. He switches it back onto me immediately.

Let me explain, he asked me why I don't trust him. I told him without blame or pointing it out, I spoke about my feelings to take the emphasis off him and he retaliated immediately with yeah but you F~d another man.

 

Am I wrong, I feel we can't move forward until we both accept WE destroyed us?

He has been angry for 2 years.

needs to feel Loved, He was adored and to be forgiven for what he did must mean I love him. I tell him and I write letters, I smile and I am affectionate. I have taken my punishment and not retaliated and I hold him when he hurts.

 

I want to be held a bit to I hurt.

 

I am giving up my new life and moving back to him.

He knows I love him, Because honestly I do. I know he loves me too even though he rarely says it. I know because he has told me he will never let me go he will always want me in his life, that he fights with me (while seperated) just for contact.

I know because he makes love to me (he is not like other men that will just sleep with anything) I know because he is my soul mate.

He just doesn't love me the way he used to and nor do I.

 

I will take all advise and I appreciate it so much. Thank you

[bish]

Finally I have the courage and the words to ask for your advise.

 

2 years ago I stupidly had an affair.

My marriage was not the worst but it was very very ruining me, I was in a situation where Icouldn't handle it anymore. I thought that I would have to end it (my marriage) but 4 kids and a whole bucket of life together meant I kept brushing the idea and the hurt under the mat.

 

The story is so long and irrelevant really as nothing justifys an affair.

 

I was found out after the affair had finished, I admitted it and to be honest I don't think I cared. That was th just the numb place I was in. Lots happened, awful things happened and no matter how much I tried I could not fix the marriage

 

2 wrongs don't make a right. This situation could not have been any worse or messier.

His reaction meant I was now in another sitaution too big for me to handle.

 

I didn't live through it I survived it and after a year of sheer hell and 3 attempts to fix this marriage I realised I couldn't do it on my own and I had to get out.

I moved 100miles away and rebuilt my life with my kids, became sane, Got healthy, learnt to sleep without nightmares and fixed my kids. I found contentness not happiness.

 

Ok, having an affair is one thing, and if you needed to get out of the house, divorce, whatever, than that is what you need to do.

 

But moving his kids 100 miles away from him is downright despicable. Unless he was a physcially abusive pr!ck, that was a horrible thing to do.

Bad enough you cheated, but you took his kids away from him?

Ya ya ya, I know...."I didn't take his kids away from him"....ya well, when you are a father and dont' have custody, you'll see it differently.

 

And not having custody is bad enough, let alone your kids being 100 miles away.

 

 

I have not moved back as the last few times we tried it was too awful and cruel on the kids. So I stay half the week with him and the other half in my new house.

 

It is ok between us but not great, I know it will take time and that is fine to a point.

However I stumble here because I cannot fix my marriage as long as he walks around saying he is not to blame for any of my hurt and that Ihave no reason not to trust him.

 

So he cheated as well before you did I take it?

 

 

I appreciate that he doesn't trust me. I absolutely have nothing to hide so he can have access to whatever he wants, I have already decided that I will not socialise without him I am willing to be i a cage as actualy I lied and ruined what we had.

 

ruined what you had? but according to you, it wasn't that great.

 

 

Here are my problems with him.

He became very very violent and hurt me, I have dealt with it as best I can and luckly an amazing man came into my life after H an I seperated (H knows) and brought me through this trauma.

 

My problem is H brushes this off by saying "if you hadn't of had an affair I would't have done it"

 

Ok, so he was physcially abusive to you? Not acceptable. Even after you had the affair it is not acceptable for him to put his hands on you.

 

i take it the violence wasn't the reason you cheated because you just said it was AFTER you had the affair, so why did you cheat in the first place?

 

And while I understand him having a temper and being angry that you messed around with another man, nothing excuses physical violence.

 

 

this is true however it has been done and for me to be able to rebuild , I need to feel his remorse. Or do I, is it necessary?

 

He Moved in with a girl 3days after leaving our home (i know this was rebound and just another knee jerk reaction) He came back to me twice and cheated on me with her. There goes my trust.

 

2 wrongs don't make a right, but if you cheated on him, you really can't complain.

 

If someone cheats on me, the furthest thing from my mind would be to cheat in revenge...I'll just sever the relationship.

 

 

He says he did it because he couldn't fix us and that he had lost respect for me but that it wasn't cheating????

 

It was cheating alright, but in his mind since you dropped this bombshell on him, his mind wasn't right and he'll justify it any way he can. Again, it was cheating and he shouldn't have stooped to that level.

 

 

My pain and hurt is nothing in comparison to his. Absolutely but I still hurt and need to be reassured and my pain is as incomprehensible to him as his is to me.

 

Every week it gets a little bit better and I find myself falling back into my routine with him.

 

What routine? Apparantly, by your own admission, this routine led you to cheat. So why go back to that routine?

 

 

My problems are this, I am tired and exhausted of being all to blame for the sitaution we are in, he acknowledges the fact that he mistreated me in our marriage but I can't see any changes.

 

You are not 100% to blame for the marital problems. You ARE 100% to blame for your cheating which broke the camel's back.

 

 

When he gets angry he throws the affair at me and he apologises and says he knows I never throw anything back at him.

I am lost though as I don't trust him he has promised me beforre that he wants me and then he does something awful to me.

 

I don't know how it is for women, and I can't speak for all men, but when your wife messes around with another man, it will stay in his head til the day he dies....that is if he is still with you. The visions of what you did will come back to haunt him and he will get angry about it, and who can blame him?

 

And even when those visions come back, even if he doesn't throw it in your face, he may hide it well, but his blood will be boiling inside.

 

I didn't want to live like that. As far as I'm concerned, the only way to get rid of that pain and those visions is to get rid of the person that put them there.

 

 

How do I move on?

 

divorce, but you don't move his kids 100 miles away from him.

 

 

How do I rebuild his trust in me.

 

Honestly, you can't. Not in my opinion. Oh you may gain a good amount of trust back after a long period of time, but he will never trust you 100% again.

 

 

How can I stop carrying the burden of what I did and what he did without him helping me.

 

You can't as far as I'm concerned. Only way to relieve everyone's pain involved is divorce. But thats just my opinion.

 

 

There is no point in anybody telling me that my marriage cannot be fixed as I am sorry my heart is in this and I will strive to fix it.

 

You can't heal the scar that you gave your husband. Sorry, it will always be there. Not saying you can't get your lives back to some sort of normalcy, but he will forever be suspicious of you in some way. if you are ok with that, then press on.

 

 

I just need him to acknowledge my pain and help and reassure me too.

 

Thats kind of hard to do when all he may see when he looks at you is you with another man. It isn't fair I know as you have your pain too, but that just may be the way it is.

 

 

We both love each other that is very obvious but the love is a bit battered.

Any advice would be helpful. Maybe someone just to tell me what he is feeling and how best to communicate our needs to each other.

 

I have been in his shoes, although I didn't get revenge by cheating back.

 

When you say he throws it in your face, its all too familiar. I know you say you don't want to hear that your M can't be fixed. But you want to know what he may be feeling and I told you. His emotions, minus the cheating in return, are a mirror image of what I went through.

 

And sorry to say, the only way for me to get over what happened was to get rid of her.

[cherrymoon]

Hi bish thanks,

Firstly I didn't take his kids away, Yes I moved them and every friday I drove them the 100miles to his door dropped them drove home, and every sunday after work I drove up and collected them from him.

I have not looked for maintenance, I left him in the house, i clothed and fed and paid for our children without grief for all this time.

 

You might be right he can't see my pain and maybe i need to suck it up.

I was in the worst place and yes there had been a violent outburst before my affair and he had always been verbally abusive if we fought.

 

I ruined something that was absolutely fixable.

He has made many mistakes in our marriage, again nothing that serious that we couldn't have got over them. My problem is he never ever acknowledges when he has made a mistake and I bottled this up and grew to resent him.

I don't want that now.

 

Maybe he will always see me with another man in his head, Maybe it can't be fixed, I just can't walk away and neither can he.

 

I had to move 100miles away he was destroying me, I was begining to hurt myself and i needed to come home to my family and get strong.

 

I hope that clears things up a little. I hope you understand that I truly didn't take his kids away, I had to move to where it was safe and for us both to get out of the boiling pot and see things clearly.

 

I should have left him you are 100% right, you will see I will not and cannot justify my affair . I was Wrong, It is my fault, I did it to us.

 

I chose that path and I am forever remorseful.

No he did not deserve it. I did many many times tell him I needed him to help me that i was suffering, he told me he thought I would get over it.

 

I will never get over this, I hurt the only people I love, my kids and my husband.

I don't want to lose him, I don't want to raise my kids without him in the same house. I know I don't deserve a second chance but I have one and I want it.

 

I am sorry that, I hurt and let everyone down. I can never explain how much pain I am in and how much I dislike myself for being such a calious bitch. I ruined who I thought I was.

[bish]

Hi bish thanks,

Firstly I didn't take his kids away

 

Technically probably not, but until someone moves away and you are no longer able to be with them on a daily basis, you'll think differently.

 

 

Yes I moved them and every friday I drove them the 100miles to his door dropped them drove home, and every sunday after work I drove up and collected them from him.

 

At least you had the decency to not make him make the trip.

 

 

You might be right he can't see my pain and maybe i need to suck it up.

I was in the worst place and yes there had been a violent outburst before my affair and he had always been verbally abusive if we fought.

 

Then why do you want to stay? I know its different for a man, but if I were a woman and someone physically abused me, I'd be thinking, "oh hell no" and get out.

 

 

I ruined something that was absolutely fixable.

 

But you said early in your post that is was NOT fixable.

 

 

He has made many mistakes in our marriage, again nothing that serious that we couldn't have got over them.

 

Oh I don't know, I'd say violent physical abuse isn't something that anyone just gets over.

 

 

My problem is he never ever acknowledges when he has made a mistake and I bottled this up and grew to resent him.

 

My xW was the same way. She never admitted fault on anything. I was always the one that had to say I was sorry.

And I didn't go out and shag another woman because of it.

 

but with him not ever admitting he was wrong with things, coupled with physical abuse, why do you want him??

 

Maybe he will always see me with another man in his head, Maybe it can't be fixed, I just can't walk away and neither can he.

 

Then he is going to have to settle for a life with someone he can't trust, someone who isn't the same anymore in his eyes, and you will have to settle for him throwing it in your face from time to time.

 

And if you think he was angry before, he really is now. He just may choose to bottle it up, but I guarantee, one day he is gonna blow!

 

I didn't want to ever get to that point. Mind you I am not violent. Whenever I got so mad, rather than blow up, I'd go to the gym and work it off(which set off another argument of why I was going to the gym...who was I trying to look good for..LMFAO)

 

So instead of getting tired of feeling like I was always trying to put a lid on a powder keg, I decided to get rid of the person that gave me the keg.

 

 

I hope that clears things up a little. I hope you understand that I truly didn't take his kids away

 

Again, no, you didn't truly take them away....but until you lose any kind of custody and lose the right to see them every day, you'll think differently.

 

Did my xW take away my kids legally or technically? no.

 

Do I feel like they have been taken from me? Absolutely.

 

 

I had to move to where it was safe and for us both to get out of the boiling pot and see things clearly.

 

If it was only temporary, then that is ok. But it chaps my ass when I hear of someone wanting a divorce, getting custody, then moving them an unacceptable distance from the other parent.

 

 

I should have left him you are 100% right, you will see I will not and cannot justify my affair . I was Wrong, It is my fault, I did it to us.

 

I chose that path and I am forever remorseful.

No he did not deserve it.

 

Nobody deserves to be cheated on. You'll find alot of OM/OM and cheaters on this board that think otherwise.

 

But it was unacceptable for him to lay his hands on you. NO EXCUSE!

 

 

I will never get over this, I hurt the only people I love, my kids and my husband.

I don't want to lose him, I don't want to raise my kids without him in the same house. I know I don't deserve a second chance but I have one and I want it.

 

But what form is this 2nd chance going to take? Constant throwing of the affair in your face? More physical abuse?

 

I know it isn't what you want to hear, but coming from the same type of situation, minus the physical abuse part, there was no way I was going to look at my wife for the rest of my life without seeing her in a light I didn't want to see her.

 

I even tried to stay, but for the wrong reasons. The kids are not a reason to stay if you are going to be unhappy, and I definitely would have been unhappy staying with someone I knew was with another man. How could I enjoy my time with my kids when she was around? I couldn't.

 

You are in an even worse situation, he is physically abusive. Honestly, I don't see any hope for this M. Sorry, but thats the way I see it.

[Ladyjane14]

He keeps saying, "so We are even we can wipe that away" and I say no it isn't even we need to acknowledge that this hurt you or I and hold each other and help heal that pain and do what the other asks so not to hurt each other again.

He says he forgives me everyday. I don't forgive myself. I don't forgive him everyday, I am so not angry or bitter, I see it as a crime of passion all rational went out the window, fear and jealousy and hurt and loss made him do something that some would say is unforgiveable.

 

Mutual forgiveness requires that we not only give it to our partner... but that we receive it for ourselves. Forgiveness is a gift. Accept it gracefully from your partner and GIVE it to yourself as well. Otherwise, you are a broken vessel and not fit for true and equal partnership.

 

 

He avoids all discussion on what happened that night and how he behaved with other woman. He switches it back onto me immediately.

Let me explain, he asked me why I don't trust him. I told him without blame or pointing it out, I spoke about my feelings to take the emphasis off him and he retaliated immediately with yeah but you F~d another man.

 

Am I wrong, I feel we can't move forward until we both accept WE destroyed us?

He has been angry for 2 years.

needs to feel Loved, He was adored and to be forgiven for what he did must mean I love him. I tell him and I write letters, I smile and I am affectionate. I have taken my punishment and not retaliated and I hold him when he hurts.

 

I want to be held a bit to I hurt.

 

So, you're trying to talk about your feelings, and he's shutting you down, and even worse... getting angry.

 

First... male brains are wired differently than female brains. Both are just as emotionally deep, but men process emotional data at a slower rate. It takes some time for them to sort their feelings out when confronted with new stimuli. During your conversations, likely the first emotion that pops out of him is a more primal one, like anger. So, even though what he REALLY might be feeling when confronted with relationship talk is say... 'inadequacy at his inability to solve the problem'... he's snapping at you instead of dealing with that feeling. He hasn't taken time to process the emotion and label it properly.

 

Type into your browser "Big Boys Don't Cry, Readers Digest" and read the article you find there. It will give you a brief explanation of the brain function.

 

Meanwhile back at the ranch.... you are in an emotionally unsafe place. Because you're dealing with a guy who has a history of poor anger management, and here you are... with a serious conflict in front of you which NEEDS address. He's not letting you TALK.

 

You know, I don't think the problem is necessarily rooted in the past as much as it might seem. Your husband seems content to 'call it even', but YOU are the hold-out. I think your anxiety is about what's in front of you and how you're going to resolve future problems rather than what's gone behind you. How are you going to handle whatever might come along when you're not allowed to talk things out? ...when HE dictates the topic of conversation?

 

I think maybe it's all about Conflict Avoidance and feeling safe within the relationship. IOW, you're still walking on eggshells, afraid to really express yourself. Heck, maybe you have a history of doing so throughout much of the relationship. (????)

On top of all that, you have all this guilt to deal with, making you feel even MORE like backing down and keeping the peace at all costs

 

It's not unusual for conflict avoiders to seek outside the marriage. Often, they do so because they feel so hopeless about problem-solving within it.

 

Anyway, give some more thought to Forgiveness as it applies to Equal Partnership, and Conflict Avoidance as it applies to Equality.

[Darth Vader]

Hi bish thanks,

Firstly I didn't take his kids away, Yes I moved them and every friday I drove them the 100miles to his door dropped them drove home, and every sunday after work I drove up and collected them from him.

I have not looked for maintenance, I left him in the house, i clothed and fed and paid for our children without grief for all this time.

 

You might be right he can't see my pain and maybe i need to suck it up.

I was in the worst place and yes there had been a violent outburst before my affair and he had always been verbally abusive if we fought.

 

I ruined something that was absolutely fixable.

He has made many mistakes in our marriage, again nothing that serious that we couldn't have got over them. My problem is he never ever acknowledges when he has made a mistake and I bottled this up and grew to resent him.

I don't want that now.

 

Maybe he will always see me with another man in his head, Maybe it can't be fixed, I just can't walk away and neither can he.

 

I had to move 100miles away he was destroying me, I was begining to hurt myself and i needed to come home to my family and get strong.

 

I hope that clears things up a little. I hope you understand that I truly didn't take his kids away, I had to move to where it was safe and for us both to get out of the boiling pot and see things clearly.

 

I should have left him you are 100% right, you will see I will not and cannot justify my affair . I was Wrong, It is my fault, I did it to us.

 

I chose that path and I am forever remorseful.

No he did not deserve it. I did many many times tell him I needed him to help me that i was suffering, he told me he thought I would get over it.

 

I will never get over this, I hurt the only people I love, my kids and my husband.

I don't want to lose him, I don't want to raise my kids without him in the same house. I know I don't deserve a second chance but I have one and I want it.

 

I am sorry that, I hurt and let everyone down. I can never explain how much pain I am in and how much I dislike myself for being such a calious bitch. I ruined who I thought I was.

 

 

It's not good that he did abused you, verbally or otherwise! He needs Individual Counseling! PRONTO!

However,

 

My problem is H brushes this off by saying "if you hadn't of had an affair I would't have done it"

this is true however it has been done and for me to be able to rebuild , I need to feel his remorse. Or do I, is it necessary?

 

It seems to me that you may be blaming your husband for your affair, even on a different level. This is called Blameshifting. It can be done on a subconscious level as well. How you may ask? Well, think about just before you slept with OM, did you have a sense of entitlement (justification)to do what you did, even to intensionally hurt your husband? As a sense of payback (revenge) to your husband for all the nasty things he said, or perhaps did?

 

I need to feel his remorse.

 

Does he honestly feel yours?

 

He probably does feel deep remorse for hurting you, but, it's overridden by his pain that he's feeling right now.........

[cherrymoon]

Thank you everybody again. Bish I have to say, I will never accept I took his kids away from him. I explained to him that I needed to move away due to his behaviour. He told me to go. The day I left I rang him and said ask me to stay and I will. He told me he loved me but that I should go. We are an hour and a half drive from his front door he is allowed to see then whenever.

It has been a long road for me to regain my sanity and self respect, I could not have done this living where I was.

 

I do not blame him for my affair.

I know how I got myself to the point that I did and I know I chose to do it.

 

He has been in counselling since before this happened and I see a whole new way of him dealing with his anger.

I would not even entertain going back if he was not getting help.

 

We had a huge arguement (if you can call it that) this weekend, no abuse, no shouting.

Iwas a shell afterwards, he scoped me up and held me, he told me he is frightened but he wants this.

 

We spoke the next day and he said he is much happier and wants to make it work. We are looking into finding help to help us get on the right track.

 

I am so tired.

Thanks everyone.

 

Ladyjane you talk alot of sense.

[bish]

Thank you everybody again. Bish I have to say, I will never accept I took his kids away from him.

 

Of course you won't. Now if he told you to go, then he gave you the green light.

 

But I'd be highly upset if someone moved my kids 100 miles away from me. I'd be fighting that tooth and nail and using every cent I had in the bank to do it.

[Darth Vader]

Question. What's this?

 

Hi Val,

 

Are you still over for the Radiohead gig this week? let me know if you want to meet up for a drink and chat, I have to go to work saturday eve so I won't be going mad, we can compare notes on what directions we are both going in, saying that I am feeling a lot better in myself recently hence not posting too much at the moment which is a good thing.

 

Speak soon

 

 

And PLEASE tell me he's "just a friend"! I got this at the other place.

 

If I were your hubby, I'd be, well, interested to say the least...........

 

People don't pull one on Darth Vader for very long............. I left out the name, just in case.

[Untouchable_Fire]

My problem is H brushes this off by saying "if you hadn't of had an affair I would't have done it"

this is true however it has been done and for me to be able to rebuild , I need to feel his remorse. Or do I, is it necessary?

 

If someone sucker punches me, and I punch them back... I have no need to apologize... EVER. Nor does he at this point. It sucks, but that's the way it is. Once you start something, what comes of it is your responsibility.

 

You may need him to be remorseful to move on. If your that kind of person, maybe it's time you move on for good.

 

He Moved in with a girl 3days after leaving our home (i know this was rebound and just another knee jerk reaction) He came back to me twice and cheated on me with her. There goes my trust.

He says he did it because he couldn't fix us and that he had lost respect for me but that it wasn't cheating????

 

You were with another guy too... WTF? No marriage will work while you try to impose double standards.

 

You also can't really love someone you don't respect. That's a Fact.

 

My pain and hurt is nothing in comparison to his. Absolutely but I still hurt and need to be reassured and my pain is as incomprehensible to him as his is to me.

 

If you can't comprehend his pain... then you can't expect him to understand yours.

 

Stop expecting him to morph into someone else. Your marriage is dead. Stop dragging other people into your sham of a marriage, you hurt more than just the two of you!

[LakesideDream]

Sadly I agree with the above. There is no remorse here, no willingness to get through the horror back into the light.

 

It's all blame shifting, excuse making, and blather.

 

I sugest that you just suck it up, count your loses, and start making a new life for yourself. When your kids are grown... and out, you can start dating again and hopefully put this experiance to use in your next relationship.

 

Sure it'll be tough, but it's the bargain you struck. Sometimes the Devil wins eh?

[soda]

Cherrymoon -- I heard a little bit of your story when you posted to my thread. I'm sorry that things aren't going well for you.

 

My gut reaction is believe that you regret what you did and the pain it caused for your family.

 

However, if you ever have any hope of saving your marriage, you need to stop pointing fingers back at your H and point them at you.

 

You had the affair. Affairs have consequences, sometimes permanent. I don't think people just "go out and have an affair." There is a conscious decision made to just think about oneself, not what it does to others.

 

With that said, the affair is over and done with. You cannot get in a time machine and take it back. All you can do is seek forgiveness, work on a better marriage, and bust your butt to earn your husband's trust back. Forget about the fact that he had a woman after you left. This was all AFTER you got caught having an affair.

 

Your H does not have any obligation to forgive you for betraying him. All you can do is try. If it doesn't work, your marriage probably won't ever be the same. In fact, it will probably fail.

 

You have two choices -- work very hard on your marriage, or end it. The rest of the details in the equation are unimportant right now.

[Arise_Serpentor]

You have two choices -- work very hard on your marriage, or end it. The rest of the details in the equation are unimportant right now.

 

I agree soda!!! The moaning and crying and whining on this thread is sad! I think Loveshack might enable people to get sympathy so people do nothing rather than take some real actioN! Man, i don't think want to get married sometimes reading some of these posts! work on the marriage SERISOUSLY or END IT! Crap or get off the pot!!!

[Arise_Serpentor]

Sadly I agree with the above. There is no remorse here, no willingness to get through the horror back into the light.

 

It's all blame shifting, excuse making, and blather.

 

I have been searchign through this site and I don't see too many posts about people working hard on their marriage or even getting counseling for that matter!

"Blame shifting, excuse making, and blather" seems to be the theme on these relationship threads!!! And the posters don't see it and give lame advice!!! Sad!

[cherrymoon]

Darth vader,

If you take things out of context then by all means what you posted can be precieved as something very different.

 

I would firstly like to say that was to be a group meeting and no actually it never came to pass.

I resent that you would take something from another forum and post it.

 

If you are insinuating that I was being underhanded in any manner then you are out of order and wrong.

 

Bad form from you.

 

To everyone who thinks I am shifting blame then I should probably point out I am not blaming him for my affair. I needed to hear him apologise for an action he took that I will not be posting about.

 

As it happened he and I finally got through some of our crap and we talked openly and honestly and we discused what had happened that was causing me pain and he told me that he was ashamed and guilty and he was turning everything on me so he didn't have to face what he had done.

I am not blaming him for having another relationship we were seperated however I do have the issue with the fact that he too broke my trust when we got back together at christmas. He and I spoke about this and he says yes that there is an issue for me that he too needs to build my trust.

 

I am not angry at him I was more paralysed by the fact that my issues and my hurts were not being addressed so that we could move forward.

These have and we are going to resume counselling and see if we can rebuild our marriage.

 

Some would say knowing both stories that neither of us deserve a second chance, he and I disagree, he says I do, I say he does.

I would rather be wrong then be a coward and not try.

We both ruined our marriage.

Yes this is a very different voice typing this message as I am coming from a more secure place as He and I managed to hear each other. Yeap it could all go belly up tomorrow but today, yesterday and the day before it has been good.

thanks for your postings

[Woggle]

If you ever want him to get over it stop blaming him and apologize for your actions. He has been getting blame over and over again for some time now including those two therapists and he is sick of it. You said yourself that the marriage before the affair was not too bad so he is wondering what he did to deserve this and why you resent him so much. Take accountability for yourself and admit you were wrong. You have no idea how much a sincere apology means to some men. Men get really sick and tired of being blamed for everything.

[cherrymoon]

Thanks woggle,

Look everyone I am sorry if I come across as looking to shift the blame or that I am not remorseful.

Oh god words cannot describe how sorry I am but I will try, Firstly I have absolutely apologised to him, I have written it down to him, I have held him and told him, I have done awful things to myself as I have found my guilt too much.

 

I have looked into his eyes and I see the pain I caused, I wake every morning and I feel that emptiness that I created because I hurt him. I look in the mirror and see someone who doesn't deserve to be loved.

 

I hurt the only man I ever loved, I hurt my beautiful kids. I hurt myself. I used to be so proud of myself now I am a liar, I am an adulterer.

 

I held him last week and said to him "I am so so sorry, you didn't deserve this, you are worth more than this and I hurt you, I threw all your love back into your face, I disrespected you and our marriage and our family. I have killed a part of me but I have killed a part of you.

 

I have wept, sobbed. I have picked myself up and I have heeled myself as best i can. I do not feel sorry for myself, I am not whinging. I created this mess, I cannot and will not justify my actions.

He says and I believe him that he knows how sorry I am. He says he forgives me.

I am not looking for him to do anything more than say he is sorry for one action he carried out on me. I needed that sorry so I could see him again through all this crap that is so pilled high.

I read his diary and discovered how sorry he was/is how ashamed he is how overwhelmed he is by what he did.(he gave me his diary).

Only then could he talk.

I know that what he did will never happen again, now I know I didn't deserve that.

Now we can move on, now we have potential.

Again I am sorry if it was blame shifting in your eyes. Now I understand him a little better and he understands that I too have justified mistrusts.

Now we can support each other. It will take time.

NOTHING HE DID TO ME BEFORE MY AFFAIR JUSTIFIES MY AFFAIR. i CHOSE TO DO THAT AND i AM WRONG AND WILL BE FOREVER.

 

the counselling didn't work for me because he wasn't all to blame. I said that earlier, they sympathised with me and that was not right.

 

 

I hope I have come across as sincere as I truly am. I find it hard to type all this as I am at work and do not have the internet at home

[Woggle]

If you truly are sincere then you will be willing to earn his trust back. You pretty much destroyed his world and he does not know why his wife turned on him. You can't blame him for feeling the way he does.

[cherrymoon]

I think not once have I denied that I am willing to do and give him whatever he needs so that I might earn his trust back.

I have written this in my first or second post I am willing to give up my freedom 100% for him to believe that I will never ever cheat on him again. he refuses to take my passwords and my pin number for phone and email. He says he wants to trust, as do I. Two wrongs do not make a right and his affair has also lessened my trust for him. We I hope will recover from this.

I paid a huge price for what I did, and everyday is like being in prison, I never want to be here again. No matter what happens in my life I will never feel the need to have another affair. I got severly burnt by my actions. I want to like who i am and I want my husband and I to look to the future.

I would love someone to tell me how I can make this easier and better for him and what I need to do.

He has given me the only thing I needed which was a discussion for what happened and he has also promised that he will do what it takes for him to earn my trust back.

I believe we both have alot of heeling to do but after the last 5 days we are on a better footing to make that happen.

The word blame keeps coming up here. He is absolutely not to blame for my affair. Yes he is to blame for choices he made that affected and hurt me just as I am 100% to blame for the choic that I made to have an affair and all that hurt that came with it.

He can only be blamed for his direct action just as I can only be blamed for mine. I do not ever bring up situations that happened previous to my affair, I only needed one situation dealt with and discussed and I needed him to understand that I have insecurities and well placed mistrust that I need help to recover from as well.

Sorry if I sound self righteous but I am trying to say it as best I can in a work situation.

[Darth Vader]

Darth vader,

If you take things out of context then by all means what you posted can be precieved as something very different.

 

I would firstly like to say that was to be a group meeting and no actually it never came to pass.

I resent that you would take something from another forum and post it.

 

If you are insinuating that I was being underhanded in any manner then you are out of order and wrong.

 

Bad form from you.

 

 

No, just asking out of curiousity. No insinuating was intended. Besides, you had mentioned about fixing your marriage. It may have been the way it looked, BTW, I didn't use any real names, if there were any at all, some in here would in a minute. And they have!

 

I've been around on LS for a loong time, and believe me, you learn how to read between the lines, to catch people in a bunch of lies, it becomes second nature, sometimes you're spot on, other times you may be a little off. For an example, head over to (Smooth's) Thread in the OM/OW section and read up on it when you have the chance, then, right after you read her Thread, come right back over here to this section of the forum, and read her husband's Thread(Float on), you'll see what I mean about being able to "read in between the lines"! If you don't already know how. In the very least, it's interesting.........

 

In other words, it's not so much what a person says, it's what they don't say, or, their actions speak louder than their words. You'll see what I mean. Like I say, you learn to watch your back!

 

Anyway, You sound sincere about your regrets, and about trying to fix the marriage, there are those who aren't, as you will soon see.

 

BTW, out of curiousity, does your former OM ever try to bother you, or your husband?

 

Oh, and one more thing, don't get into trouble for getting on the Net at work, there's been some major crackdowns on people surfing the web during work hours. You don't want to get fired!