wareagle Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 Hey Carhill! I love the silence sandwich reference!!!! TO FUNNY!! Link to post Share on other sites
critter909 Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 Get satisfaction out of knowing that she IS thinking about you. Enjoy your trip, like the other posters I bet there will be more there for you when you get back. Let her chase for a change.... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 And remember, OP.... Anyway i got back to work and i had an email from her. My heart jumped.. It said.. Guard that heart.... with some women, it's like chrome off a bumper, if you know what I mean Link to post Share on other sites
borelandkaren Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 Thanks guys... I haven't replied yet but she has since sent another one.. Sorry If my last email (or the subject of it) sounded rude or anything, I was just thinking about you and how you were doing so wanted to say hi - but was trying to stop it being a big deal and obviously it came out rude. You can reply if you like! If not, well I hope you're good. I've been poorly for a while and still feeling rubbish which is never fun so I hope you're better than me! Well maybe hear from you, maybe not... x What to do? What part of guilt-trip and emotional blackmail are you not seeing here?!! Go on your trip, have a ball. You're over this one. NEXT!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
sunshinegirl Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 Iwish, when my ex contacted me last week he was just as casual. And it broke me down, when I showed that I was still in pain, he once again retracted everything, yelled at me and passive-aggresivly told me to leave him alone. Unless she apologizes profoundly, don't answer her. She doesn't deserve a casual hello, a reply or anything. She doesn't. NM, your ex contacted you last week? Did you post about it somewhere?? Link to post Share on other sites
confused999 Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 I'm confused... when does real emotional honesty turn into a NC game? I realize it's not a game, trying to heal yourself, but if someone is reaching out how do you not reach back? I don't understand the boundary, when someone you love, who loves you but acts like a jerk, reaches out... when do you reach back and when don't you? Link to post Share on other sites
justaman99 Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 I'm confused... when does real emotional honesty turn into a NC game? I realize it's not a game, trying to heal yourself, but if someone is reaching out how do you not reach back? I don't understand the boundary, when someone you love, who loves you but acts like a jerk, reaches out... when do you reach back and when don't you? Ugh, good question. I would like to know opinions on this as well. I am battling with this exact situation right now. -Just Link to post Share on other sites
kizik Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 IMO - there's "reaching out": laying your heart on the line for her to see, a risky move Dumper: I miss you a lot and care about you, etc. Dumped: I miss you too, blahblahblah and then there's polite response. Dumper: Hi, just wanted to say I was thinking about you. Hope you're doing well, whatever Dumped: Thanks for your email. Hope you're well too. - x Big difference. Both are correct, to an extent. The response has to match the tone of the initial contact. Link to post Share on other sites
justaman99 Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 What about a scenario where they need help and they call on you for that support? Being the dumped how would you respond if at all? -Just Link to post Share on other sites
lonelybuthappy Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 What about a scenario where they need help and they call on you for that support? Being the dumped how would you respond if at all? -Just If you want go back to day 1 of NC, you'll respond... She will find help, don't worry.... Link to post Share on other sites
justaman99 Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 Yup you're right. Link to post Share on other sites
SundaeMorning Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 I'm confused... when does real emotional honesty turn into a NC game? I realize it's not a game, trying to heal yourself, but if someone is reaching out how do you not reach back? I don't understand the boundary, when someone you love, who loves you but acts like a jerk, reaches out... when do you reach back and when don't you? these questions have been running thru my head for months now, too.. it's really hard to determine what you should or should not do.. sometimes, i let the whole situation engulf my brain.. like i spend so much energy thinking about it so i stick to NC and drive myself crazy. but some days, i don't want it to be what i've let it become. this big hovering burden on my shoulder of trying to ignore/avoid this person i love so much and who loves me, too (despite our compatibility and/or timing with each other)... i liked what roghornio says: hey lifes life. Say hi. You cared about each other. So long as you dont expect anything out of it just go with it. Your ex is reaching out to say hi, thats it... it's ok to be nice! This NC thing - it has it's merits... but you dont have to stick to it like glue. i guess if you're aware of the consequences and you're true to yourself, meaning you know where you stand and what direction you're moving toward, then it should be okay to reach back. i don't know, i'm confused, too... Link to post Share on other sites
kizik Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 Look, I think it just comes down to being polite. I've said some awful things here about her (mostly on the Post Here thread) and I regret doing that. Sure, it was therapeutic, but I feel like I've screamed at her enough online. Never TO her... that makes me either spineless or smart. Point being that if she texts or calls under polite pretenses, I will respond accordingly. All I can do for ME is to not make the first move. She will probably not either, so, fine. That's how it works. It's a shame and it's sad but it's life. You guys know Dr. Drew Pinsky of Loveline fame? He even said today (on an old podcast I have) the following: "You need a minimum of six months no contact to get over her. Each time you have contact, it sets you back to day one." I know we bounce this around a lot here, but to hear it from someone I respect as much as Dr. Drew was helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 I'm confused... when does real emotional honesty turn into a NC game? I realize it's not a game, trying to heal yourself, but if someone is reaching out how do you not reach back? I don't understand the boundary, when someone you love, who loves you but acts like a jerk, reaches out... when do you reach back and when don't you? She's not "reaching out" -- she is fishing. Reaching out would be to show some deep regret. She's not showing regret. She's toying with his emotions to feed her ego. There's no regret in that. That's just downright evil. Link to post Share on other sites
Nevermind Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 She's not "reaching out" -- she is fishing. Reaching out would be to show some deep regret. She's not showing regret. She's toying with his emotions to feed her ego. There's no regret in that. That's just downright evil. Caliguy nailed it. Link to post Share on other sites
mousse Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 The only messages from ex's you should ever answer are the one's that say "I'm sorry, I screwed up and I want to try again." Otherwise, IGNORE great post. Link to post Share on other sites
confused999 Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 Kizik, caliguy, NM, mousse: You're all correct.... but what about when you realize the other person is basically incapable of reaching out that way? I mean what about the scenario when 2 people are so bent on NC that they miss the boat and the relationship dies out of stubborness on each side, rather than someone letting their guard down and taking a chance? I understand the feeding ego bit, and I agree, it seems she is fishing in this case. I guess I don't know when it's time to stop being a friend. When I'm a friend with and to someone, I'll do anything for them, accept anything about them... even if it's uncomfortable for me at times. I don't easily become a friend, but once I am, I'm loyal. People are messed up, make mistakes, how do I know when it's just their regular shi% or something that is a deal-breeaker going on? Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 Kizik, caliguy, NM, mousse: You're all correct.... but what about when you realize the other person is basically incapable of reaching out that way? The same kind of person who will never say "I'm sorry" or "I screwed up" ?? Umm, no thanks. If someone is too stubborn to admit when they've wrong someone then it's a good sign they never take responsbility for their actions. It means they have no integrity. I mean what about the scenario when 2 people are so bent on NC that they miss the boat and the relationship dies out of stubborness on each side, rather than someone letting their guard down and taking a chance? The only one who is in the right when it comes to NC is the dumpee. If the "dumper" is hell bent on NC, it's probably because they don't want you. I understand the feeding ego bit, and I agree, it seems she is fishing in this case. And if he responds, it's "hook, line and sinker"… I guess I don't know when it's time to stop being a friend. When they stop treating you like one. When I'm a friend with and to someone, I'll do anything for them, accept anything about them... even if it's uncomfortable for me at times. I don't easily become a friend, but once I am, I'm loyal. People are messed up, make mistakes, how do I know when it's just their regular shi% or something that is a deal-breeaker going on? You need to read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" - Glover. I understand you are kind and forgiving but you should never be to the point people step on you. That's called a DOOR MAT. Link to post Share on other sites
drew_0123 Posted August 12, 2008 Share Posted August 12, 2008 This girl isn't a romantic possibility for you, she's practice. Now slap yourself upside the head and start using her as such. Uninvest yourself and toy with her a little... play her game... get good at it. Say things that make her think she's got you twisted around her little finger, then do the opposite of what she expects. You obviously have NO useful experience with women, so stop being such a pansy and get some. This is the perfect opportunity. There is literally ZERO chance of anything ever happening with this chick, but you've got her on the hook and communicating with you - so MAKE USE OF IT. Throw away this opportunity to build up your repertoire of inter-gender skills and you are an idiot. Best Regards. Link to post Share on other sites
sunshinegirl Posted August 12, 2008 Share Posted August 12, 2008 The same kind of person who will never say "I'm sorry" or "I screwed up" ?? Umm, no thanks. If someone is too stubborn to admit when they've wrong someone then it's a good sign they never take responsbility for their actions. It means they have no integrity. That right there - is golden. Thanks CG. Link to post Share on other sites
carrot10 Posted August 12, 2008 Share Posted August 12, 2008 I agree with nc but what if the "dumper" left because the "dumpee" didn't love her as much. What if the only way the dumper could save her heart was to get out of the relationship even though she was totally in love with him? What happens with nc then? Do they not communicate anymore? What if the dumpee realizes that he does love her but sticks to NC? Everybody loses. Its so confusing. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts