holliesmith Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 Some of you have read my posts about this really unfortunate decision I made... Basically I met this guy out at a club - I was looking for a b/f - he was looking for sex but of course he didn't tell me this! - I made a really really dumb, hasty and poor decision and lost my virginity to him - went on another 2 dates with him after he tracked me down ( he went out of his way to find me) and promptly found his g/f's (or fiance's!) eyeliner in his car - I eventually got him to admit that it wasn't his Mom's and ended it then and there. As he was walking off he called out 'Hollie, Hollie' then said 'see you round' while smirking - I was so naive and he was really callous. I will say here and now my actions with him were very bad - I just shouldn't have. The ONLY reason I did it was because I was stupid enough to think it might lead to a relationship - and of course he was the 'aggressor' big-time......I said no a few times but he just kept trying to convince me and I made a decision I regret to this day that obviously I am not fully over. I blame myself for misplacing my virginity and I learnt a lot from it. For the record I never ever slept with a guy I didn’t love or who didn’t love me ever again. But I still have some things to ask. The thing is he wasn't your typical player. He had a great mining trade job earning mega $$, well presented, not into drugs, lovely close friends and family, a good sensible, down to earth manner and business sense and of course the gf/wife/fiance who loved him. He was actually polite and caring (just not about me!). He by no means appeared perfect, - he was rough around the edges and seemed shy even to start with (unfortunately that made me even keener!) He didn’t seem to be overly confident in his manner towards some parts of our meeting-up – seemed not to be well versed in the cheating thing although he kept me well and truly away from his life – I don’t even know his last name. Although he covered his tracks well I tend to feel that I was maybe a one off? I will add that although he was nice on a level - he always seemed to be looking out for himself and others (especially me) came a second place. He probably had a 'treat them mean keep them keen' attitude at least at some point to the gf/wife People have told me that he is scum, a loser etc, but most of these are women who have been cheated on and his life does not indicate that. He seems to have made sensible decisions etc before and after cheating. I don’t contact him now of course so all I know is that he and the gf are now married – and had a child before or slightly after he cheated. Plus I know he invested wisely and still has great family/friends. (I am not sure if they are still together but assume they are.) This is not something a loser has. So he was/is a good guy to his friends and family and I guess to the wife as well. (except of course the cheating). Looking back he indicated guilt once after I told him I wanted more than just sex: he said ‘yeah I know’ as if he had been there before and then ‘I am a bad bad boy’ and laughed! Stupid me! I was so young and silly. But he called again and only stopped calling after I confronted him about already being involved with someone else. His reaction was nonchalant (laughed and said see you round) but he may have come back for even more – we just don’t know. So how does someone that appears to treat the gf/wife well – they are married (plus have a great life) – do the sneaky cheat thing? Or more to the point why? How could he? His nice friends (a married couple with kids) also knew about it too. He didn’t seem like the kind of guy who would habitually cheat. Yes he was in a club alone OBVIOUSLY looking for action but I get the gut feeling I was a kind of last hurrah for him. But I still don’t understand how someone who is nice and has a great life would do that to his gf/wife. And if he IS scum, how does a scumbag get all the good things in life?? I can see I just need to keep moving on with my own life – (which does have great things in it) – just someone mentioned him to me the other week and its all coming back now that I have some time on my hands. Also, at the time I just pushed the whole thing away and didn’t tell anyone what really happened. I felt like a loser for giving it up to someone who didn’t care at all about me so I just tried to hide my feelings and move on. It worked until now – now I am home raising kids and don’t have a career to occupy my mind. Funny thing is I don't want or love him at all. all I expected of him was that he was single! When I think of it now I dream of showing him what he can't have if you know what I mean - not actually being with him - I don't want that. Please don’t flame me for my weakness here. I do actually appreciate the answers to the questions I have asked. I have no intention of causing trouble for the wife (or him) – she doesn’t deserve that. Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for the answers
carhill Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 Perfectly normal behavior for some males. Most males have the capacity for such behavior, but have varying degrees of morality which intercedes. Simple explanation is that the "He had a great mining trade job earning mega $$," box and the " well presented, not into drugs, lovely close friends and family" box, and the "good sensible, down to earth manner and business sense and of course the gf/wife/fiance who loved him" box never touched each other nor the "Hollie" box. It's called compartmentalization and males are genetically equipped and socialized to be experts at it. Why did/does he do it? Because he can and doesn't have intrinsic boundaries regarding such behaviors. Everyone (both males and females) has a unique sense of "right and wrong" which is specific to their psychology. Society has norms of behavior and enforces them with peer pressure and legal statute. Trust me, as you likely know, doing the "right thing" is often far more difficult than taking the easier path.
Author holliesmith Posted July 23, 2008 Author Posted July 23, 2008 yeah - I know males are hard-wired to be polygamous. How do you think being married to someone like that will go? As I say, he didn't seem to be too comfortable with the cheating thing so I wonder if he willl do it again? I wonder if she could be happy with him?
whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 I wonder if she could be happy with him? She probably is. I bet he's a good husband to her, treats her well too. He is just selfish and cheats. Do they have children as well? Yeah, the further away you are from him, the better. Don't play games or show off around him like na na, you don't have me anymore...That will just make him react. Best way to deal with him now is to ignore him and don't answer your phone or any emails if he tries to contact you.
Author holliesmith Posted July 23, 2008 Author Posted July 23, 2008 I believe they have kids - born around the time he cheated actually! I don't even live near him so I would never see or speak to him again. It irks me that he won't get his though! Like, why do men who do this get away with it and don't suffer consequences?
cherrymoon Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 Hi hollie, Hollie this is the second time on this forum discussing this guy. I am really sorry that you seem to not let this go. I really am concerned for you as you are damaging yourself by still looking for answers that really can't be got. Why did he do it? Because he can Why does he have a "great" life ? because he does Is his wife happy? Who knows only she does Why do you care? You lost your virginity through your own choice, you were not forced, Nor missled as he never told you he loved you, or promised you more. You were possible missled when he he called again and you thought he was single and wanted a relationship. I am so sorry that you cannot understand why and that you cannot let this go. People do bad things and seem not to have remorse nor pay any price for their actions. This is not true. You have no idea whether he feels any regret or not. He laughed and walked away to save his own pride. You should stop caring for your own sake. I would suggets you talk to some one as Forgive me for this but this is begining to seem like an obsession and an unhealthy one at that. Look after yourself and stop caring about him it is wasted energy. Be happy
Author holliesmith Posted July 23, 2008 Author Posted July 23, 2008 I am not sure either = I tend to get like this when I have too much time on my hands. I think I just want to see him hurt and humiliated like I was - but of course it won't happen.
OpenBook Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 Most males have the capacity for such behavior, but have varying degrees of morality which intercedes. :lmao: My Current Theory About Men -- they are like dogs. They're one-track-minded. They have a great capacity to be loyal to you... but faithful is a different story. They could run off into the bushes and hump other females without a second thought. In their minds, it is meaningless and irrelevant to their bounding back home to you. Seriously, hollie, do not presume that you are the only one he's done this to, and that you somehow brought this about. This isn't about you. He's not all that great, in spite of appearances. He's definitely not worth any more of your time or trouble. The guy has issues. But my heart aches for you that your "first time" was with someone like him. It is such a precious gift to give someone, and for him to treat it with anything less than kid gloves is an absolute tragedy. That being said, I hope that YOU will go forward knowing that it is a precious gift, and treat yourself and others accordingly. Your first experience was a bad one; don't let it set the tone for the rest of your journey!! It's not supposed to be that way.
cherrymoon Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 Hollie, Why did you sleep with him???? Truthfully!
Mr. Lucky Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 :lmao: My Current Theory About Men -- they are like dogs. They're one-track-minded. They have a great capacity to be loyal to you... but faithful is a different story. They could run off into the bushes and hump other females without a second thought. In their minds, it is meaningless and irrelevant to their bounding back home to you. Does that make women like cats ? They are faithful but not loyal, judging everything on a "what have you done for me lately" basis. Many feel that, as long as they come home to you at night, you should tolerate everything else they do... Mr. Lucky BTW - I choose to be a German Shepard.
Author holliesmith Posted July 23, 2008 Author Posted July 23, 2008 Many feel that, as long as they come home to you at night, you should tolerate everything else they do... Wow! Does anyone else feel like this?? I really don't know any women who would agree - but it goes to show we are all different. Why did I sleep with him?? I ask myself that. It was a heated situation where he was really pushing for it. I should have said no until he gave up but maybe my stupid just 23 yr old brain was thinking I should not let him know I didn't want it because I felt insecure about not having any experience. And of course I wanted him to be my boyfriend -DUMB! That all sounds totally stupid now but I think it was how I felt at the time. OF course I regret that - but experience and time has made me see how wrong I was. I think of how I learnt from him - and I look at the men I know in my life and those I have met. I work in a field where you have to be college educated to even get in the door (no I don't think that makes me any better than anyone else) - and I can tell you that the majority of the guys - young or old- in that field are faithful to their gfs/wives - no I don't see them every minute of every day but I know a lot of them well enought to know that they have the integrity to stop them from acting like this cheat. They love thier partners and families so don't. They fill their lives with other good things so they don't wander. The ones who do usually get divorced. This cheater guy...........he wasn't like that - he had all the good elements in life (seemingly so anyway) and I don't know him now but seems to be still married etc. I guess I just want him to get what he deserves but I can't see it and I feel hurt and frustration. Funny thing is - I have always felt stupid for the way things happened, accepted blame for it etc but never until now have I been mentally 'stuck' on it and angry at him and me. I think it is the time I have now I have taken a break from my career. It could also because I didn't properly grieve the big mistake I just made - (many have pointed out what a big deal it is to give your virginity to someone and I just threw mine at the wrong guy). I was so embarrassed at being a virgin at 23 too (felt like the only one). He was so surprised at seeing a little physical evidence of this then said he felt bad because 'you only get it once'. This made me feel like s#$t as he had just hit the nail on the head and showed a small amount of compassion but still didn't want me or really care about me. I wanted him more then but of course could not have him. I also spoke to a buddy of his on the phone - the one he stayed with when he was out of town. (He didn't give me his ph no of course! - alarm bells ringing I know but.......well you know how silly I was!). Anyway his friend greeting me with 'oh he told me about you'. I could just see them sitting around laughing and being shocked at 'the virgin' and how stupid she was and how much he got out of her for nothing. It hurt becuase his buddy was a married man with kids and a nice wife. Come to think of it they were all nice to each other - the cheater, his gf/wife, the buddy and his wife. Just nobody was decent enough to tell me. They must have thought I was just trailer park trash and not worth saving from hurt. Thing is I wasn't - I had just finished a degree at college and was embarking on a new and 'respectable' career. I just feel I was used - but by someone who doesn't normally use people if you know what I mean - so it hurts even more! Thanks again for reading!
Author holliesmith Posted July 23, 2008 Author Posted July 23, 2008 oh and I almost forgot - afterwards I just presumed that he 'had issues' and was obviously not happy in his current relationship - hence the unfaithfulness. But finding out about men and how they act and how he probably was/is happy and so is the gf/wife just rubbed it in worse.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 It irks me that he won't get his though! He will "get his". It always comes back around eventually. You'll never know about it, but you can count on it happening. You need to move on. You made a mistake, and you learned from it. He's a cheater, and he will have to deal with that in some way, somehow, someday. But that's not your problem. In the future, don't trust random men you just met, no matter how nice they may seem at first glance.
Lookingforward Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 hollie - this is the second thread you've started about this same issue - WHY is it still bugging you ?
Author holliesmith Posted July 24, 2008 Author Posted July 24, 2008 I think still being 'stuck' on this has something to do with the fact I didn't think at all about the consequences of my actions yrs ago and something to do with me taking a break from my work. I am finding that I am getting better at just letting some of it ngo but obviously I am still struggling. Learning more about the habits of some men (as I typed above) was a bit af a blow and an eye opener. I do appreciate the input.
Author holliesmith Posted July 24, 2008 Author Posted July 24, 2008 I think the fact that he gets away with it bugs the heck out of me!! I try to be good and do the right thing by people and there he goes getting the best of me and deceiving me and the gf and gets away with it! sigh........where is the karma!
GreenEyedLady Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 I've always wondered: do people who think wishing bad karma on someone will ever come around to bite them in the a** for wishing bad things on others? Or is it just reserved for the person they want revenge on?
Author holliesmith Posted July 24, 2008 Author Posted July 24, 2008 never thought of it that way! I wonder though if cheaters ever get their dues
Lookingforward Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 I've always wondered: do people who think wishing bad karma on someone will ever come around to bite them in the a** for wishing bad things on others? Or is it just reserved for the person they want revenge on? they do if they believe in the law of three
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