Was I the one making a mistake?

[Worried7]

Hey I haven't posted here in a very long time..but my background story of the love of my life is this. We both live in other states and had to fly to see eachother. We met online. I instantly fell in love with him..and at a young age. I had just turned 16 years old. He was 19. Same birthday, too. Everything seemed to be going wonderfully..and for the most part it did. We met 2 months after we met online. About 6 months later, he gave me a promise ring, and gave a promise that he would love to spend the rest of his life with me. I was very innocently in love with him and my whole world was wrapped around him and I was elated. All I could talk about was him and wanting to be with him. I thought it was the same for him.

 

Until a year and a half later when I found out during the first 3 months of our relationship, he was having sex with another girl..the one he said was "just a friend". He cried while telling me and said how sorry he is and said he hasn't cheated since. So since I loved him, I forgave him. I held a grudge for a while because it was very hard to get over because their little thing wasn't just a fling..it was a full-blown going on dates, meeting eachother's parents, etc . sort of thing. So I move on from that and everything is hunky-dory..until about another year later when I found out he may have cheated on me at spring break about a year and a half earlier. When asked about it he said he was talking to a girl there and asked to kiss her but never did and that was that. Bull! His guy friends were the ones hinting around to me about it..and said there was/were another girl(s). They were very drunk, that's why it was brought up in the first place.

 

So anyway, after that it was just very very hard to trust him. Because not only that had happened he also had gone to parties behind my back, had done drugs behind my back, and who knows what else. He desperately wanted me to put this all behind us..and eventually I did. Because I realized it was in the past. So that was that. I figured he was just going through his wild party college days and then eventually realized that it was time to settle down with a great girl and he didn't want to lose me. So another two years go by and during that time everything in our relationship seemed to be going amazingly wonderful. Nearly perfect. We took trips to the ocean together and it was just heaven. We were planning on getting engaged when he was to graduate about 6 months into the future. It was all planned out. His parents loved me and mine loved him. We were so happy together.

 

And then the worst possible thing that could have ever happen, happened. Another wierd, shady moment occured.. and at the time with a broken foundation in our relationship this was the worst. It involved a friend of his who liked to party that he hung out with all the time. I won't go into detail because that is a whole other story. I didn't know exactly what happened. I wasn't sure. But being in the situation that I was about to get married, I did not want to have to deal with this. I was angry..and sad. I told him about it and said I think we need to take a break. So we did. I was starting college, my freshman year.. so I needed to focus on school. He was heartbroken. Devastated. As was I. It was horrible. But like I said, why marry someone you cannot trust? With the divorce rates like they are, why risk it. Anyway, at one point we got into a huge fight. This time, it was over me hanging out with a guy friend at school. This guy friend and I were just good friends..nothing more. So I got fed up and broke up with him.

 

I couldn't stand the fact that he cheated on me, I forgave him many many times and yet he gets mad when I even try to hang out with a guy as a friend? Especially considering I never cheated or even thought about it ONCE! For those next few months, I was relieved. Relieved from never having to deal with questions anymore..no more stress. At the same time, I was also heartbroken that I had to live without him. But for some reason, I always had the feeling it would come to that. Meanwhile, he couldn't eat or sleep and could barely make it to class without crying. He was so depressed and lost. So fast forward to today. He moved up here about 3 months ago..despite us breaking up. He said he wanted to be my best friend..though he still says he is in love with me and has stayed over on many occasions. He still holds me and kisses me. Basically, it's everything but having a relationship label on it. I told him NOT TO MOVE UP HERE. I knew it would come to this. This heartbreak of us not being together, but still longing to more than ever.

 

He has even talked about dating other people..after moving up here and making me fall in love again! I can't believe that..and I'm furious!! How can he move up here and do that!? Especially after I told him not to. He says he still wants me more than anything..but doesn't ever want to be in a relationship with me ever again because he doesn't want to get hurt again. So now I'm questioning everything. Did I make a mistake breaking it off? At the time I didn't think so..but now that he's in my life again, it's so hard not wanting him for the rest of my life. He does make me happy. But it's soo complicated. I hate living life wondering what might have been..and I hate wondering if I made a mistake. And I hate wondering if I'm going to be regretting losing him for the rest of my life..and I hate the fact that he broke my heart..and moved up here and is breaking it again. Whether he realizes it or not. Please just answer this question..if he really wanted me, wouldn't he take me when he had the chance? Because since he's been up here I've told him I may like to give us another try..and he said he doesn't want to be in a relationship. I'm so hurt. Probably even more than he ever could fathom. I also hate watching him being chased constantly by other women. He's a very handsome young man to say the least. Not that I would call myself a dog, it goes both ways. But I see how other girls look at him..and he's got a great job now and seems level-headed. And now I've been manipulated into thinking maybe all of this is somehow my fault, too..did I lose a great guy? Or was I right?

 

I know that was long! Please forgive me for that..Thankyou in advance for replying. Thank you for your time. Maybe someone out there can relate to losing a first love and wondering if it's a mistake..or if it was just that he wasn't supposed to be the last.

[Keridan]

You are in a very tough situation there. I absolutely think you did the right thing by breaking up with him when you did. You can't be with someone you can't trust. It just doesn't work. It will eventually tear you apart.

 

Normally nearly everyone on this site would advise that you go no contact with him. You can't move on when those feelings that drive you wild are pushed in your face every time you see him. Unfortunately, I"m sure him moving there and everything else that has been going on makes that feel impossible. There is a guilt factor involved on top of the feelings you already have for him.

 

I hate ultimatums, but I don't know what else to suggest. I think you do need to get out from under his influence if you aren't going to be with him. I guess I would suggest that you tell him that either he gets with you and makes a real commitment to it or he gets out of your way emotionally and physically. You aren't ever going to be settled until one of those things happen.

 

Btw, it definately sounds like he cares about you and enjoys the comfort he gets from you. However, he wants his options open. And right now, he gets both. He may not be intending to (or he might be), but he is using you. He gets all the comfort and affection of a relationship while still being open to other offers out there. Even if he doesn't take them up on it, he's enjoying the attention from the other girls.

 

You should just be aware that he's doing this. It might affect whether you want to try with him again at all. It's normal for a guy, especially if he feels like he can get away with it easily. It doesn't make it right, though. He needs to make a choice. Freedom or a relationship, not both.

 

I do wish you well and I'm sorry for what you are going through. It seems incredibly frustrating and I wish I had a better answer. Maybe another poster will have a different take on it. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

[Worried7]

Fantastic reply. You hit the nail on the head to say the least. Everything you said is exactly how I see things & how things are from my perspective. Brilliant! Thank you so much. I agree. I think I am going to have to get up the strength to break up with him all over again(a.k.a. Ultimatum). I don't like ultimatums either. But in this case, for my sake I don't see how it could be any other way. I hate having to cut off communication completely..and his parents are going to be very dissapointed that he moved here for me and I'm not talking to him. But I cant' say I didn't tell him not to in the first place! This is such a tough situation. And it hurts. Thanks again for replying. And everyone else, feel free to reply! I like hearing more than one opinion.

[Ronni_W]

Certainly have nothing more to add than Keridan so eloquently and compassionately has already offered.

 

In this case though, I wouldn't call it an "ultimatum". You are simply communicating your own boundaries, and the consequence if people do not mind them. (It's not specific to HIM...it's what you expect from ANY romantic partner, I am assuming.)

 

I guess I use "ultimatum" to describe a demand that is unreasonable, or intended to control and manipulate.

But here you are stating your values and how you wish to be treated -- indications of your own high self-esteem and understanding of your worthiness. Everything "right" with that!

[bish]

Worried7,

No, you did not make a mistake and non of this is your fault.

 

You did NOT lose a great guy, you got rid of an untrustworthy manwh0re.

 

don't lose any sleep over him. There is a reason you can't trust him and he has proven on several occasions that he didn't deserve any 2nd chances, as if cheating deserved one chance.

 

I hope you aren't thinking you lost a great guy, because he is nothing of the sort.

[Keridan]

Fantastic reply. You hit the nail on the head to say the least. Everything you said is exactly how I see things & how things are from my perspective. Brilliant! Thank you so much. I agree. I think I am going to have to get up the strength to break up with him all over again(a.k.a. Ultimatum). I don't like ultimatums either. But in this case, for my sake I don't see how it could be any other way. I hate having to cut off communication completely..and his parents are going to be very dissapointed that he moved here for me and I'm not talking to him. But I cant' say I didn't tell him not to in the first place! This is such a tough situation. And it hurts. Thanks again for replying. And everyone else, feel free to reply! I like hearing more than one opinion.

 

I'm glad you at least found some help in my post. I wish there were easier answers. You do have to be willing to stand up for yourself to see this through. That means accepting that you have done nothing wrong and made the right choices. Sometimes it's hard when we care about someone to make things so black-and-white.

 

Please keep us updated and always feel free to come vent to us. Most people on this board try very hard to be supportive. I really do wish you the best!

[Potatocakes]

Weird me and my ex met when I was 16 and he was 19, we also share the same birthday. Anyway thats not important. You didnt do anything wrong and although you loved him it didnt seem like he really had anything to offer. You obviously werent his first priority.

[Worried7]

Thanks, everyone. I forgot to mention about not knowing what he was up to there at the end clearly..at the end, I didn't think he was cheating. But I found an email about drugs and his party animal friend [you know the type, night-clubber every night and weekend, marjauna, exctasy, etc] sent this message talking about scary situation with the cops or something and how to hide drugs if you are coming back from a night of partying. He had previously had a problem with partying and since I saw this wierd email I did NOT want to take a chance on it again. I didn't tell him I saw this email. It was on his computer and I saw it when I sat down and he was in the shower. He accidentally left it there for me to read. I just felt like he was hiding things again. And in my opinion, hiding things (especially drugs!!!) is just as bad as cheating. And who knows, he may have cheated on me again too for all I know. The thing that is so frustrating is that I don't know. But I had to end it anyway. I'm so unbelievably ready for a relationship to come along that I don't have to wonder what he is up to because I know he's not going to do anything that would hurt/decieve me. Anyway, just wanted to give a little more detail on that last one.