jackie11 Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 So me and my boyfriend have been together for a year and a half now. Our relationship is pretty strong and only recently have we had an actual fight. Which we obviously got over and i thought got better from. Up until tonight. He was going to some party that i didn't want to goto, so i decided to just have a girls night and was perfectly fine going there. So we were texting back and forth before he went to the party and all of a sudden he was like i dont want to be together anymore. And then his reason is because i dont want to do the same things he does. I immediatley had my girlfriends drop me off back home so i could hopfully meet up with him and talk. But no, hes still going to this party not even giving me a chance to speak to him. He promised he wouldn't hook up with anyone else tonight and that we could meet up around 1 when he left to talk, or he would come over before he works tonight. Im so upset right now im shaking. Im so scared to loose him i've become so attached to him.. someone help =/
aubree1982 Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 First off, he did this all throug texts right? That's pretty imature and disrespectful. Anyone who isn't willing to tell you whats wrong or what they want to your face obviously doesn't care about your feelings. Sure, maybe he was scared but is this the kind of behavior you want from someone you want to be with? Go ahead and talk to him and see what he has to say...good luck!
Jilly Bean Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 Jackie - do you think maybe this is why he hasn't been sleeping with you? Like he's been maybe pulling back for a while?
saraispiel19 Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 So me and my boyfriend have been together for a year and a half now. Our relationship is pretty strong and only recently have we had an actual fight. Which we obviously got over and i thought got better from. Up until tonight. What exactly was the fight about? This would help to know. He was going to some party that i didn't want to goto, so i decided to just have a girls night and was perfectly fine going there. So we were texting back and forth before he went to the party and all of a sudden he was like i dont want to be together anymore. And then his reason is because i dont want to do the same things he does. It's been a year maybe he feels like you've been drifting apart, how much time have you been spending together? I immediatley had my girlfriends drop me off back home so i could hopfully meet up with him and talk. But no, hes still going to this party not even giving me a chance to speak to him. If this is out of the blue to you (his behaviour) then something is definately up- especially dropping you like that after a year...hmmm He promised he wouldn't hook up with anyone else tonight and that we could meet up around 1 when he left to talk, or he would come over before he works tonight. Im so upset right now im shaking. Im so scared to loose him i've become so attached to him.. someone help =/ I'm sorry you have to go through this- talking to him will definately help and clear out things. Make sure you know what you want to know and ask him questions so you get everything out of your system. Goodluck to ya and keep us posted!
Author jackie11 Posted July 23, 2008 Author Posted July 23, 2008 The fight we had about 2 months ago was because we were planning on me moving in with him because my family is moving to another state. But he then said he didn't want me to move in because he thought it would ruin are relationship and we are very young. (18) I first got really defensive about it and started fighting with him but then i realized we are too young and i completely agreed with him and we decided i would go live with my father who is only about 20 minutes away from him. After that argument we were fine up until a few days ago when he started not sleeping in his bed with me. We have been spending an awful lot of time together and i think that may be the problem. So today i was talking with my girlfriend and was telling her i was planning on giving him his space and that he was going to this party tonight on his own. And then a few hours that is when the break up happened. I just cant believe he did it through a text message. I put so much into our relationship and deserve a little more than that. Thanks for all the replies you guys are keeping my mind focused until i see him..
saraispiel19 Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 Well how I see it: at 18ish that's when me and my husband moved in together-he even moved from a different state to live with me (I used to live in Florida)! So I don't know if your boyfriend is more focused on his options still being open-- not saying that he's single just that he doesn't want a live-in girlfriend..too many responsabilities. Plus you are young and this is really tough to go through, especially after that long. Thank heavens you don't have children to worry about. I think maybe after his wierd behaviour you definately need an explanation and hun if he does this now, he'll do it later--- either that or it'll take a HELL of a long time for him to change and that is much more painfull than letting go. Goodluck to ya!
Enema Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 I think the thought of living together with you freaked him out because he's not ready and caused: 1) Him to stop sleeping in the same bed with you as a passive agressive message 2) The little arguments you've been having 3) Him breaking up with you I don't think he really cares that you "don't want to do the same things he does". That's just an excuse he's using because he wants out.
Author jackie11 Posted July 23, 2008 Author Posted July 23, 2008 He is sopose to leave this party in about an hour. He hasn't texted me since he go there.. Im really going crazy.. i don't know what to even say to him to make him stay with me..
quankanne Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 jackie, nothing you can say – or do – can make someone stay when they don't want to be there in the first place. I'm not trying to be hurtful, just sharing a bit of truth with you. And I think that by not sleeping with you, he took those first steps of separating himself from you. Breaking up via text message just brings it home, because he prolly figures that by distancing himself, he can get this overwith in a less messy manner. at which point, I will say this: If he doesn't have enough respect for you to tell you face to face that it's over, do your really want to invest your life (or even a part of it) with someone who cares so little about doing right by you?
aubree1982 Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 Girl, you should never have to say something to "make" someone stay. I do know how you feel though and it is tough. You need to just be honest with him and tell him how you feel but please, please, please do not beg him or make him feel guilty for leaving. You are both young and it kinda sounds like he wants time to himself so he can party and "live it up". I'm not saying you can't do this and be with someone at the same time but for him maybe he has to be single to do it. I speak from experience I was in a 7 year relationship starting when I was only 15...he went away to college and tried on a few occasions to take a break so he could "be young" some how we always stayed together. I believe he always resented me because he was never able to live the "single" life (so to speak). Because of this he was never able to make a bigger commitment to me. Maybe you should suggest to him that you stay together but try to spend more time with your friends and less time together. He may just need a little space. I'm also a strong believe in the saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder." I swear on it!
JohnnyBlaze Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 I don't think there is anything you can say. He probably made his mind up a week or two ago. Enema's right; his actions are all completely in line with someone trying to end a relation. The theory being, if he distances himself from you beforehand, there won't be as much of a struggle to finally end it. The two of you moving in together, in the mind of men, is a prelude to the question "when will you ask me the question". Most 18 year old guys are not ready for that. Granted some are, but they're few and far between. I wouldn't expect him to come over after the party. Chances are, he's already mentally declared himself single, and is acting as such. Talk to him tomorrow. You'll have gotten a little sleep (probably not much, but any helps) and he won't be quite as drunk as he probably is right now. Hope for the best, but don't expect it. I know this isn't what you want to hear, and I don't like saying it. But I think it is close to the reality of the situation. I'd rather you hate me for telling what I believe to be the truth than to have you like me for lying to you. Sorry, hon.
Author jackie11 Posted July 23, 2008 Author Posted July 23, 2008 so it's 1:30 and i still havn't heard from him. He said we would meet up at one. I tried texting and calling but he hasn't answered my calls or respond to my texts. I understand he wants to break up but through a text message isnt the right way, he better not back out on meeting up tonite, im so sick to my stomach i can barely breathe..
Brady_to_Moss Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 Are you guys in college? Seems young to move in at 18 and i am 19.
Author jackie11 Posted July 23, 2008 Author Posted July 23, 2008 Once again thank you everyone for the advice and words of wisdom. We never met up last night, but he did call me when he got back to his place. He said he thinks we're spending too much time together and he doesn't know what he wants anymore and he needs some space,throughout this phone conversation he continued to call me baby and before we hung up he said i love you. he said he would like to talk about it more in person tomorrow Which is now today, he gets off of work at 8 so until then im anxiously waiting and hoping for the best. My plan is to stay calm and try not to cry (i've gotten most of that out of my system by now since i have been doing nothing but crying) i hope we can work something out where we can stay with each other, if he needs space i will gladly give it to him to make our relationship better. I think we both need the space anyways. I think we need to make an agreement for the first two weeks where we only see each other on the weekends, and no sleeping over, if he's going to do this to me there's no im going to have sex with him. Any advice on what i should say or some ideas on how to make our relationship work and last?
Jilly Bean Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 if he's going to do this to me there's no im going to have sex with him. If you do this, it will blow up on you. If you agree to mutual space, then that means the integral parts of the relationship continue. It doesn't mean you withhold sex as punishment.
Author jackie11 Posted July 23, 2008 Author Posted July 23, 2008 I'm 100% sure he isn't cheating. We've been together a long time and have built up so much trust in our relationship. Plus we're always together, have the same friends, goto the same parties and live in a small town. If he was cheating, i would know. Also our sex life is good he would have no need to go elsewhere. --Do you really think i shouldn't withhold sex? I thought it would make me have more control over the situation and make him see what he is missing. I don't know, thirty minutes until i see him.. *crosses fingers*
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 It sounds like he's been trying to break up with you since saying he didn't want you to move in--it also sounds like you DON'T want the same things. Maybe it's best to let him have his way.
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 Also--I just read your thread about him leaving you in the middle of the night and am now even more sure I'm right.
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 Also: --Do you really think i shouldn't withhold sex? I thought it would make me have more control over the situation and make him see what he is missing. This sounds like the mentality of an 18-year-old, ie. a mentality that will not sustain an adult relationship.
Author jackie11 Posted July 23, 2008 Author Posted July 23, 2008 i actually think you're completely right. His exact words that its been on his mind since the moving argument and he said i think we need space we've been spending a lot of time together and you don't always want to do the same things as I. Its just hard for me to all take in because everything just seemed so perfect. Since that one fight we have gone on many vacations together and had a great time. The sex has been the same and he always is paying me attention. That is why im so confused and shocked by this, it came out of no where to me, im so heartbroken from it all.
Author jackie11 Posted July 23, 2008 Author Posted July 23, 2008 Also: This sounds like the mentality of an 18-year-old, ie. a mentality that will not sustain an adult relationship. I wasn't trying to have an adult relationship. I am only 18 and have plans for myself. That's why we agreed on not living with each other at this point. I'm not asking this kid for a ring just a normal relationship for people our age to have.
imbewildered Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 He said he thinks we're spending too much time together and he doesn't know what he wants anymore and he needs some space,throughout this phone conversation he continued to call me baby and before we hung up he said i love you. The translation is, " I am about to dump you but I do not have the courage to do it openly and honestly,so I am goimg to toy with you back and forth until you become so frustrated that I hope you might walk away instead." THis is usually how women behave when they are leavimg an LTR - im surprised that a man would pull this crap.
Author jackie11 Posted July 24, 2008 Author Posted July 24, 2008 And this is how it went.. We talked for about an hour. The first 20 minutes consisted of me crying and him holding me and kissing my forehead and playing with my hair. (yeah, thats suppose to comfort me during this break up) He kept saying "I do want us to be together, i want that more than anything but i want us to be happy together. He knows how i am and knows my moods and I have battled depression over the years and since being with him have completely stopped all forms of therapy and medication. So he knows i am not completely happy, and neither is. My thing is I'd rather be miserable with him, then without him. But anyways back on topic, he was saying he thinks we spend way too much time together (i stay over his place every single night up until the last few nights) and that he wants some space. He doesn't want us to be completely finished though. He is going to Atlantic city with some family and friends this weekend so it will give him his space away from me to clear his head. Once he returns we're probably going to wait a few days before we see each other again. He says he will still call and text and that he wants to get together tomorrow and hangout before we take this much needed space. I'm hoping for the best, but expecting the worst and I'm keeping my guard up for sure so i don't ever have to feel the way i felt last night again. Amor Vincit Omnia - love conquers all. Lets see what happens..
Kamille Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 The translation is, " I am about to dump you but I do not have the courage to do it openly and honestly,so I am goimg to toy with you back and forth until you become so frustrated that I hope you might walk away instead." THis is usually how women behave when they are leavimg an LTR - im surprised that a man would pull this crap. sorry to report that in my experience and those of my friends, younger men pull this kind of crap all the time.
Recommended Posts