vixen Posted August 4, 2003 Posted August 4, 2003 Alright, so you know i'm dateing jon. Well, jon isn't very, physacaly affectionate. Some times i feel like all my efforts to make myself beautiful and sexy are over looked. ok, he's not verbaly affectionate either. Sigh, so i said to him, i think maybe we should break up. I said, that he makes me feel pretty ugly sometimes. that i don't understand how he could not want to reach out and touch me. Anyway, he said what ever makes me happy it's up to me. That yes he does love me, but he want's me to be happy becouse he loves me, and if i'm unhappy with us, then i should do what makes me happy. I thought about it, and was like, no i'm happy i just want you to be more effectionate. He said you should never try to change someone. Not even compromise, he said that would be changeing someone. Ok so the day/date progressed we saw a movie, had lunch and played a little pool. At the pool hall i was so freezeing cold, i was shivering, couldn't hit my balls didn't want to move. I said he as an idiot for not noticeing how friggin cold i was. He said i should walk around, or wear something diffrent. I said that didn't help, that he's not good at being sympathetic. It aslo got me thinking that he doesn't notice me. Once again. So in the car i said to him, i think we should break up. he didn't seem beet up over it, but he certainly wasn't happy. I mulled it over for a good 45 minutes and decided, perhaps i can just adjust to it. He is who he is, and i love him becouse of it. I asked him if there was ever a time i went to give him love that he didn't want it. He said no. So i figure i'll just give him love and attention when i want to get it. We are both chassies, not chasers, but i so love him, and i also have a sick love for challenges. So in the end i hugged him and said, no, you do make me happy, I'll stay with you. We hugged and kissed, but he had to go, he realy neaded to go 45 minutes befor that. But anywho, i refused to leave his car till i got a proper kiss goodnight. Guess it didn't faze me that he put up a fight. He gave me a peck kiss and i said i want a real kiss, and he said he had to go, and i said im not getting out of this car till i get one, he repeated said statement then relized to get what he wanted he had to simply give me what i wanted. And he did. Yes i know i'm demanding, but i have standerds just like everyone else. Now, can i cope with his lack of effection? Did i do the right thing by giveing us a secound chance? I love jon, this could work, but jon doesn't want me to change myself for him, or to chage himself for me. So do i continue trying to get attention and love out of him when i want it. I mean i wasn't realy trying befor, but perhaps if i do now. Look, it's not that i don't want to be single, or that i've dumped him twice befor when we dated in highschool and would feel bad now, it's just, well i love him, i do. So, how does one get over her nead for lots of attention? Ugh, it's to late to be up. Ja ne
Curt Posted August 4, 2003 Moderators Posted August 4, 2003 Folks...it just never ceases to astound me. Am I missing something here ? Here we have, yet again, the situation of beautiful, talented females staying loyal to guys who just can't or won't (not sure which) appreciate them. Our friend vixen, who is clearly an attractive, talented young woman (if we are to go by the detail and quality of her drawn pic on her avatar) is sticking with this dude who would throw her love away in a split second. "Whatever!" is the sum total of his main response to her. She is accepting it. She's letting herself get walked on, treated as someone to be taken for granted. This makes him great ??? He won't even give his girlfriend a jacket when she's cold. And then vixen, you say... He is who he is, and i love him becouse of it. You what him because of it ??? So i figure i'll just give him love and attention when i want to get it. We are both chassies, not chasers, but i so love him, and i also have a sick love for challenges. So in the end i hugged him and said, no, you do make me happy, I'll stay with you. You are happy with this ??? I mean, you are really HAPPY with this treatment, and LOVE HIM for it ??? i said im not getting out of this car till i get one, he repeated said statement then relized to get what he wanted he had to simply give me what i wanted. And he did. Yes i know i'm demanding, but i have standerds just like everyone else. You're thinking that you're demanding because you wanted the guy you love to show he cared and gave a damn about you?????? I'm sorry. I must be missing something here. My rage at this guy is blurring my vision apparently...cuz this guy sounds like a complete ass to me. My first suggestion...give him his notice! Clearly confounded again, Curt.
Neo Posted August 4, 2003 Posted August 4, 2003 He just sounds *painfully* shy and submissive to me, just ask him straight up why he refuses to give attention.
jalexy Posted August 4, 2003 Posted August 4, 2003 he sounds like *jerk* to me, kiss him goodbye. - jalexy, who, has no love for guys who refuse to care about their girl
clia Posted August 4, 2003 Posted August 4, 2003 I don't think he sounds like a jerk--I just think he sounds like a person who is not affectionate. This doesn't make him a bad person. Now, can i cope with his lack of effection? Did i do the right thing by giveing us a secound chance? Only you can answer these questions. First and foremost, you must accept that this is who he is. He does not want to change. If you want someone who is more affectionate, your best bet is to move on and find someone else. There are many men out there who are affectionate. Your guy just isn't one of them. You need to decide whether or not this is something you can be happy with. i've dumped him twice befor when we dated in highschool and would feel bad now, And you've nearly dumped him twice over the course of the same day. (I think?) I don't really blame him for being a little weird about the kiss at the end of the night, since you just spent the past forty five minutes trying to decide whether or not to dump him. If the roles were reversed, would you be dying to kiss someone who put you through that?
Author vixen Posted August 4, 2003 Author Posted August 4, 2003 i asked him why he refuses to give me affection and attention. He said he doesn't refuse to, that he does, and that it's just his way. He said you can't change people or expect them to change to make you happy. He said he wouldn't want me to change. I told him my tolorateing his lack of affection is a sort of change. Yeah it seems like he was shrugging of my dumpeing of him, he sat there and waited for my response. When i asked him what he thought, he said it didn't matter, that it's my opinion and my happyness that matters. I cryed and said why is breaking up so hard to do, he said yeah i know it once took me 2 months to dump this one girl. That line has stuck in my head now. But i asked him, do you love me. He said yes i do. I said your not just saying that you meen it right. He said yes of coarse i do. I think if he wanted to break up he had his chance last night, he could have been like, yeah your right this isn't working out. I asked him if he had any problems with me. He said only one, the same one i've known about. That i don't have a good job. I said, yes i do feel guilty that you pay for everything. He said, oh, it's not that, i don't mind that at all, it's that your in debt, i want you to be ok. He had no coat to offer me. But what upset me is through 3 games he didn't notice me shivering in the corner at the end of my shot every shot. I would just hide in this one warm spot clutching my pool stick and frowning, and teeth chattering. And he never noticed it. He said, "why didn't you say something?" after i finaly said something. I called him stupid, said he was thick headed and dence. And that's when i went to break up with him that night. After the whole wating a movie at his house, and he doesn't once go to touch me. I was wearing a suductive playful shirt that shows off my cleavage, and a cute mini skirt, with cute g-string, he never saw. Brand new and he never said a thing. So after the movie thing i talked to him about breaking up with him. But we settled it went to see a movie theater movie, then the pool then the secound break up. sigh. T_T
Author vixen Posted August 4, 2003 Author Posted August 4, 2003 i take horrible pics, but here it is. http://strike9.com/file.aspx?path=%2fVixen%2ffullsize%2fmecarcation.jpg
Author vixen Posted August 4, 2003 Author Posted August 4, 2003 i know his lack of affection doesn't make him a bad person, that's why im sticking to my guns. I chose to date jon, i can choose not to, but to me, jon is someone special. I dumped him in highschool only becouse of the age diffrance. I'm wising now that i didn't becouse in highschool he was so affectionate. alwasy cuddly. Sigh, i guess i see to diffrent jons now. I said to him, you false advertise. When we started dateing in febuary, he was very affectionate. he gave me hugs and kisses out of the blue, kept grabbing me and pulling me close. Sure he was a bit ruff, doesn't know his own strangth, but i loved it! then bam! he doesnt' do it at all. I asked him why, he said he didn't stop on purpose he just doesn't now.
Curt Posted August 4, 2003 Moderators Posted August 4, 2003 Vixen, You're an attractive, talented young woman, you're loyal and trustworthy. In my estimation, you are not entitled to be treated the way you are letting him treat you right now. That he does not treat you the same as he did in highschool is an indication that something has changed. Perhaps you both have grown in different "directions." Take this opportunity to consider a couple things... Do you want to continue to live with a man who cannot: 1. Show you he loves you openly, even by hugging, cuddling, or complimenting you around others ? Remember, he is supposed to be your #1 caring section. 2. Tune in to when you are uncomfortable physically, and offer you his coat, umbrella, hat, etc. when he sees you need it ? 3. See when you have taken obvious extra steps to be beautiful and sexy for him, and have him validate that effort through complimenting you, showing your efforts are appreciated and cherished ? 4. Be emotionally available in general. My Opinion: The guy has changed from February, and not even (in my estimation) to a "normal" extent. He refuses to change into the affectionate, outwardly-loving man you want and need, and even if he could, he probably wouldn't be very happy about doing so. Vixen, my feeling is that Jon has already "unplugged" from your relationship. He is already gone hunn, both mentally and emotionally, but doesn't want to be a man and accept the responsibility of letting you go "properly". Afterall, remember that he has already taken 2 months (?) to dump someone else in his past. Would you like to be 2/3/4 months getting dumped also ? Vixen, sometimes two people just get on completely different wavelengths with age. God forgive me for even suggesting this, but I am also wondering in the back of my mind if there is someone else in his life that you're completely unaware of. In any event, my feeling is that you will continue to do all of the work in this relationship, however long you choose it to last. Peace, Curt
aliciab68 Posted September 23, 2003 Posted September 23, 2003 Hi. I totally understand your situation. I was with my EX boyfriend for almost four years. I had the affection problem. I would put a lot of effort into dressing up or wearing something sexy. He would never make any comments about it. I tried to overlook it for the four years we were together but ultimately it was a huge reason why we broke up. I just got tired of trying to get him to notice me. He claimed the same thing--that he used to be affectionate with his last girlfriend and that he changed and that it was not him anymore. At first I accepted it because I loved a lot of things about him but i could not get over the fact that in public people actually thought we were related or friends. I would try to hold his hand or kiss him, and he would just pull away. Even in private we could not connect in a physical way. I think you are not going to end up with this guy, even if this is just the way he is you two are just not compatible.
MAC Posted September 23, 2003 Posted September 23, 2003 Don't try to change him. Move on. Tell him to join the military core, they are always looking for stone cold people. Doesn't sound like a jerk to me, just because a guy isn't emotional does not mean that hes an ass. Many males growing up were taught by their parents (usually) their father to not show emotion. Don't cry, wussy babies cry, quit acting like a baby and act like a man etc..... These things many of us males listened to day in and day out while growing up. While some of us were lucky enough to be shown the difference by our mother's (or other guardians) others were not. Especially if the father was a stay at home dad while mom worked her but off. If Dad had these ideals then chances are likely he passed them on to his son. While some women find men like this attractive, intriquing and/or interesting others do not. I've been told in the past that some of the most quiet people are the most awesome lovers. While some of the most quiet people are the worst lovers. For those ladies out there that enjoy the military buffs, hear my message. Some of those guys are heartless, some see women as mere pleasure toys. Some are abusive, some are hard to live with and some just don't plain care.
sonofhud Posted September 24, 2003 Posted September 24, 2003 Do you know his friends? What kinda guy doesnt show his girl any affection unless he's gay? Seriously, there's plenty of single guys out there(like me) who are ready and willing to give you more affection than you want and for you to be happy with. You know what you want, more affection. He isn't willing to even work with you; a sure sign that your relationship is all ready a failure. Your partner should at least be willing to compromise. Dump him now.
vidgamevixen Posted September 25, 2003 Posted September 25, 2003 Um, i feel i should probly update everyone, since it's only polite. I did dump jon at one point, then i said, ok no this seems wrong how about a hiatus, witch went verry well, i put him on hold kept away from all contact from him for some time, couple of weeks. Then when my head was cleared i said ok, lets try this again. We've been doing fine for the past month now. He was an ass opening day of football, i love foot ball i went to his house to watch it all day with him, but during the patriots game he was a dick, so i screamed at him, (something i've never done befor) and boy did that work. LOL he was wide eyed and horror stricken. I told him this is the kind of **** that coased the hiatus, the dumping. I was like do you want that again. I was so mad i was planning on leaving. He wanted me to stay, he was upset at himself for doing what he did. After all he had no arguement, i never said a word while the game was on, so as not to ruin it for him, and I didn't do anything out of the ordinary. He was in the wrong and he knew it. Ever since that day, it's been great! He's not overly affectionat, but he never was, and he is more reseptive and touchy now. XD He pays attention to me when he can, calls' every night, and if he can't call he sends an e-mail with an explination. (like he left his cell at work. lol) he see's me as often as he can, which is still just once a week, but hell full time school (five classes) full time work, (over 40 hours always) one day a week off from work, home work, the gym, man has alot on his plate, but he loves me, and i know it, I love him and he knows it, so what else do i want? Nothing realy. the freedom to do what ever i like is in my life, and in him too. I'm getting the proper affections and attantions and i have him on a short leash. I know that sounds a bit cruel, but in all actuality it isn't. I don't have many demands and as long as they are met, i'm happy. So there you have it, end of story, i'll keep coming here to see what's up with everyone else, and keep you all in formed if i nead advice. Thanks everyone for your input. It's realy helpful. vixen
Paul Posted October 18, 2003 Board of Directors Posted October 18, 2003 Originally posted by sonofhud Do you know his friends? What kinda guy doesnt show his girl any affection unless he's gay? Oh, please.
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