Lizzie60 Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 Hello all, My girlfriend and I had been dating for almost 2 years until last weekend. I am 26 she is 23. She had relocated to a different city, and I was moving to that same city(just by luck) 2 months after she did. Well, the night before I leave, many of my friends throw me a going away party. I enjoy a drink, but this night I went way over the top. I ended up making out with another girl, and things proceeded from there. I did not have sex with her however. In fact things were stopped well before that could have ever taken place. This is the first time I have EVER done anything like this. The next morning I call and tell my girlfriend.(I didnt want to run with this secret, and I felt it could be worked out) Needless to say she broke up with me, and I haven't spoken with her in a week and a half. I understand people make mistakes(not trying to make excuses for what I did), she had her fair share as well. But I always stood by her and we got through them. Many being very severe, ie: drugs, pills.... Anyways I felt as though it compromised my character and who I am. I feel completely worthless, and cannot understand why she couldnt work it out after everything we have stood for. I realize she doesnt owe me anything, everything I did for her was from the heart, but i still feel as though this isn't completely right. I dont know what kind of responses or advice I am looking for, it happened so recently everything seems a bit jumbled. All I do know is I love her very much,(wanted a long term future with her) and I wish I could remind her that a mistake does not define me. Thanks for taking the time to read my post. -Jake Next time.. keep your dirty little secrets for yourself..
Angel1111 Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 I can agree with that. I just think it is so cliche and is seen as kind of a joke when someone is trying to get out of the doghouse and they are saying, "but honey, she meant nothing to me!" as if it should be understood. Good point. Or as the other poster said, you'd hate to think they put your whole relationship in jeapordy for something that didn't mean anything to them. Seems no matter how you slice and dice it, cheating just plain stinks.
bish Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 The problem is not what the person means to you, but what infidelity means to your SO. thanks, that was my point
bish Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 Next time.. keep your dirty little secrets for yourself.. How about next time.. dont cheat? Your insinuation of "next time keep your" secrets to yourself is an admission that he won't be able to keep from it in the future either. Therefore, he should leave her alone.
Blindsidedagainalive Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 Write her a letter expressing exactly how you feel about her. Tell her precisely how bad you feel, and what you are willing to do to make it right (counceling, etc). Beg a little to show her how much you feel. Express that you will leave her alone and no longer contact her if that is what she wants. Make sure that you tell her that think about her constantly, but will not contact her to respect her wishes....not your desires. Then wait.......... If she is willing to work it out with you, she will respond eventually. PS- Don't ask if she was seeing anyone in the meantime. It will show her that you are secure and want her yourself. If she did go on a date in the meantime, I am sure it's because she misses you. No woman will emotionally connect so soon after a breakup.
vivrantflo Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 Dude, I think you may be doomed.. just chalk this up to a learning experience. I made the same choice... except my ex and I were on a break.. we were together 3.5 years, and after she found out about me being with someone else, she bounced.. and got a guy two weeks later.. I tried to get her back for almost two years until I gave up. All you can do, is let her know that you know you were wrong. You made a bad decision, and that you want to work things out. Then leave it to her... I doubt she'll come back, so you should really focus on moving on... You should read my original story... it was/is a living nightmare...
christian6 Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 I had a similar experience(my gf had cheated on me), though we got back together, and it was on-off for many years.
Virgo1982 Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 I had a similar experience(my gf had cheated on me), though we got back together, and it was on-off for many years. Was it because the trust was lost?
christian6 Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 Was it because the trust was lost? yeah. I tried to get over it, but it used to come up again and again. And at times I felt unsure if I really wanted to be with a woman who had been unfaithful. I mean, we had such a wonderful relationship, I just couldn't understand why she did it and couldn't forgive or forget although I did try. A lot.
bish Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 I just couldn't understand why she did it and couldn't forgive or forget although I did try. A lot. Doesn't matter why she did it, what matters is she did and how you get rid of her after the fact.
Virgo1982 Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 yeah. I tried to get over it, but it used to come up again and again. And at times I felt unsure if I really wanted to be with a woman who had been unfaithful. I mean, we had such a wonderful relationship, I just couldn't understand why she did it and couldn't forgive or forget although I did try. A lot. Yeah, I guess you could kinda understand if things were rocky. You couldn't feel safe.
christian6 Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 Yeah, I guess you could kinda understand if things were rocky. You couldn't feel safe. Well, yeah. What made it worse was that she didn't tell me, I found out from one of my friends, who was friends with the man she cheated with(who I knew pretty well, too, actually)
whichwayisup Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 You are very correct. I thought this same thing right after i posted. Pushing would get horrible results, and be plain disrespectful. I just hope I get time in person at some point along the way. Maybe she will talk to you face to face - One day, when she feels ready.
Author Tripped up Posted July 26, 2008 Author Posted July 26, 2008 She called me up on Thursday, we hung out all day. Movies, out to eat, and she ended up staying with me that night. Tonight I am at her place, we had a nice talk and decided to try and work it all out. Baby steps are what we thought best. She cares a lot as do I. One part of me just wants to dive back in head first, but the smarter side tells me that taking a slow approach would help improve things for us both. Just a little update.
whichwayisup Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 You're a very lucky man and use this time to regain her faith and trust in you. TAKE IT SLOW! Show her not only in words but in actions, that you are worthy of this second chance. What you can do - And make sure SHE knows this too - Don't EVER put yourself in a situation where you cheating could happen again. Be an open book - If she feels the need to check up on you, let her. Be ready for her emotional outbursts, just let her have them, don't try to hold her back when she's feeling hurt, betrayed, angry.. Good luck and I hope you two are able to work through this.
Angel1111 Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 I'm glad to hear it! Be prepared for emotional ups and downs from her. Good luck and keep us posted.
Virgo1982 Posted July 27, 2008 Posted July 27, 2008 She called me up on Thursday, we hung out all day. Movies, out to eat, and she ended up staying with me that night. Tonight I am at her place, we had a nice talk and decided to try and work it all out. Baby steps are what we thought best. She cares a lot as do I. One part of me just wants to dive back in head first, but the smarter side tells me that taking a slow approach would help improve things for us both. Just a little update. I thought you two would work it out. Practice patience with her.
vivrantflo Posted July 27, 2008 Posted July 27, 2008 I envy you to the fullest extent.. You have no idea how lucky you are.. Earn that trust back.. treat her like a queen and give her security... Count your blessings man.. I can't even begin to tell you how lucky you are right now.
Author Tripped up Posted July 27, 2008 Author Posted July 27, 2008 Turns out that just a few days after we had broken up she did sleep with one of her exes. She told me, about it which I believe was needed if we have to work anything out. She claimed it was because she wanted to get over me. She also says that she did nothing wrong, tho in retrospect she wishes it would have never happended now that we are trying to work things out. She also said that she couldnt keep looking at me being sad and ashamed when she had also done something that was hurtful. She has not seen him since, or spoken to him. It has never been like that. It does bother me, but I refuse to be drowned by it.
Angel1111 Posted July 27, 2008 Posted July 27, 2008 Turns out that just a few days after we had broken up she did sleep with one of her exes. She told me, about it which I believe was needed if we have to work anything out. She claimed it was because she wanted to get over me. She also says that she did nothing wrong, tho in retrospect she wishes it would have never happended now that we are trying to work things out. She also said that she couldnt keep looking at me being sad and ashamed when she had also done something that was hurtful. She has not seen him since, or spoken to him. It has never been like that. It does bother me, but I refuse to be drowned by it. Well, the two of you were broken up at the time so she didn't do anything wrong. Plus, I'm sure you thought of this already, but if you hadn't done what you did, she wouldn't have slept with her ex. But I do think it might've been healing for her and may help both of you to get past all of this.
Author Tripped up Posted July 27, 2008 Author Posted July 27, 2008 Well, the two of you were broken up at the time so she didn't do anything wrong. Plus, I'm sure you thought of this already, but if you hadn't done what you did, she wouldn't have slept with her ex. But I do think it might've been healing for her and may help both of you to get past all of this. Of course this did cross my mind. I refuse to be drowned by it however, I feel that I have another chance and that is what I need to focus on. I really want to call her all the time and try and see her, but I am trying my best not to. I call her as of right now once or twice a day because I do not want to overwhelm her. Is that the right choice do you think? Should I let her choose when she wants to see me next? Or should I try to set something up?? Confused on all this at this point. I know she said she loves me, and wants to work it out, I am just not sure how to go about it? Should I give her space and let her approach me?? I do not want to play "games", but I do want to do everything in my power to make sure this does not fall apart.
Author Tripped up Posted August 14, 2008 Author Posted August 14, 2008 So we tried to work things out. Everything seemed to be going extremely well. It was great for 1 week. I was stating the night at her place one night( we were going to a water park the next morning) and she told me she could not work it out with me. The next day I ask if she still wanted to go to the park with me and she said yes! So we went and it was wonderful. At the end of the day she tells me that she does want to be with me she is just not sure how. We spent the next few days together and they were great. Holding hands, went out of town together, kissing, I love you's.....etc. I didnt see her for a couple days, but we spoke on the phone. One night she was upset( had been drinking) and started yelling at me about how she will never find the right person for her. At the end she just hung up on me and would not answer my phone calls. The next day I went to her place with a flower and a note( hoping she wouldnt be there, she was). The note was just something to make her feel better, not begging for anything. I wasnt planning on staying long at all, but then wanted to see a movie. So we went and saw a movie and I stayed the night. More of the same....kissing, I love you, holding hands. Come to find out that she had been lying to me about talking to her EX that she had slept with during our break up. I would ask her directly and she would say she was not in contact with him. It pissed me off that she would lie, but I remained calm and nice. (maybe I shouldnt have?) I left the next day with her crying saying she loves me and misses me. That was 3 days ago. The last time I spoke to her was 2 days ago, she was upset again, I calmed her down and she said she loved me and will talk to me tomorrow. This is now day 2 of NC. I dont know what to do. Is NC the right move? She seems so wishy washy. **Update** So she ended up calling me yesterday. I answered and we had a good talk. Nothing too serious but she still got off the phone with I love you's and I miss you's. Today I called her and she was in a very different mood, much happier I guess(which is good). After talking for a little bit she mentioned that she had some margaritas the night before with some of the people that live around her, including the son of one of the ladies. So in a moment of weakness I asked her if she had any feeling for this particular guy. She said she didnt, but it wouldnt matter if she did. Does someone who says they love you, care for you, miss you repond like that? Not sure if I am being used, as in just here for when she needs me. Funny thing is we were going to go see a movie this saturday. Makes no sense whatsoever. Any more advice......I am just trying to feel out thoughts and opinions....How she can go from one extreme to the other is beyond me.....how she can just seemingly leave me out of her thoughts and heart, but all of a sudden realize that she loves me and misses me is beyond me.....what does this sound like to you guys???
Javelin Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 So we tried to work things out. Everything seemed to be going extremely well. It was great for 1 week. I was stating the night at her place one night( we were going to a water park the next morning) and she told me she could not work it out with me. The next day I ask if she still wanted to go to the park with me and she said yes! So we went and it was wonderful. At the end of the day she tells me that she does want to be with me she is just not sure how. We spent the next few days together and they were great. Holding hands, went out of town together, kissing, I love you's.....etc. I didnt see her for a couple days, but we spoke on the phone. One night she was upset( had been drinking) and started yelling at me about how she will never find the right person for her. At the end she just hung up on me and would not answer my phone calls. The next day I went to her place with a flower and a note( hoping she wouldnt be there, she was). The note was just something to make her feel better, not begging for anything. I wasnt planning on staying long at all, but then wanted to see a movie. So we went and saw a movie and I stayed the night. More of the same....kissing, I love you, holding hands. Come to find out that she had been lying to me about talking to her EX that she had slept with during our break up. I would ask her directly and she would say she was not in contact with him. It pissed me off that she would lie, but I remained calm and nice. (maybe I shouldnt have?) I left the next day with her crying saying she loves me and misses me. That was 3 days ago. The last time I spoke to her was 2 days ago, she was upset again, I calmed her down and she said she loved me and will talk to me tomorrow. This is now day 2 of NC. I dont know what to do. Is NC the right move? She seems so wishy washy. **Update** So she ended up calling me yesterday. I answered and we had a good talk. Nothing too serious but she still got off the phone with I love you's and I miss you's. Today I called her and she was in a very different mood, much happier I guess(which is good). After talking for a little bit she mentioned that she had some margaritas the night before with some of the people that live around her, including the son of one of the ladies. So in a moment of weakness I asked her if she had any feeling for this particular guy. She said she didnt, but it wouldnt matter if she did. Does someone who says they love you, care for you, miss you repond like that? Not sure if I am being used, as in just here for when she needs me. Funny thing is we were going to go see a movie this saturday. Makes no sense whatsoever. Any more advice......I am just trying to feel out thoughts and opinions....How she can go from one extreme to the other is beyond me.....how she can just seemingly leave me out of her thoughts and heart, but all of a sudden realize that she loves me and misses me is beyond me.....what does this sound like to you guys??? What do you expect? You cheated and she's confused right now. I don't even know why you're trying to pursue her. I think you need to give her some space for time to think.
vivrantflo Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 she told me she could not work it out with me. At the end of the day she tells me that she does want to be with me she is just not sure how. One night she was upset( had been drinking) and started yelling at me about how she will never find the right person for her. I have been in your exact spot my friend. About a year and a half ago. My ex did the EXACT same things that your girl is doing right now. Bro, she's done. She still loves you, and is still attached to you, and is hurting very much.. but she knows she can't trust you again, and is finding it hard to let you go for good. You should stop persuing her cause it's gonna be too emotionally draining for both of you. Come to find out that she had been lying to me about talking to her EX that she had slept with during our break up. I would ask her directly and she would say she was not in contact with him. Leave her alone, she's done. Now she doesn't respect you anymore, that's why she's lying. The relationship is too damaged. Sorry man It pissed me off that she would lie, but I remained calm and nice. (maybe I shouldnt have?) You shouldnt be pissed. You deceived her first. You're pissed about how she's lying now.. can you imagine how she's feeling right now?? So in a moment of weakness I asked her if she had any feeling for this particular guy. She said she didnt, but it wouldnt matter if she did. What this means, is that it doesn't matter if she's feeling another man right now, or not.. cause either way, she's not going back to you. The trust is broken, and there's nothing to hold you two together.. love is NOT enough in this situation. Trust me, I know. Dude, just leave her alone. Cancel the movie, and just leave her to herself to sort out her feelings. If I could go back in time, I would have left my ex alone, and not persued her for a year and a half like an idiot. She already has a guy lined up, and I'll bet my next paycheck that she'll end up dating him.. or at least have sex with him. There's nothing you can say, or do to fix this situation. Stop buying her cards, hanging out with her, and calling her. LEave her alone.. she's hurt and confused, and you being around isn't helping, cause you're the cause of the pain. Take this as a lesson learned and move on.
bish Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 The last time I spoke to her was 2 days ago, she was upset again, I calmed her down and she said she loved me and will talk to me tomorrow. This is now day 2 of NC. I dont know what to do. Is NC the right move? Yes, leave her alone. How she can go from one extreme to the other is beyond me You betrayed her and she is confused. What is so hard to understand about that? .....how she can just seemingly leave me out of her thoughts and heart, but all of a sudden realize that she loves me and misses me is beyond me.....what does this sound like to you guys??? Sounds to me like someone who really wants to love you, but you scarred her bad. What you did to her will be with her from here on out. She will always have her suspicions about you. Best to leave her alone so she can heal rather than try to keep sucking her in for your own selfish reasons.
Recommended Posts