Chinook Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 Personally, I think you two are done. She does drugs/alcohol. You stand by her. You cheat on her. She feels betrayed. She decides to start screwing with your head. Can you see, you push each other's buttons in so many ways...? I don't believe, even if this current situ works out well, that you guys are good or healthy for each other. You haven't said it directly but you hinted at it, you guys seem to have been through the mill, several times. This just seems one more of those times. It seems to me that you wind each other up in ever-increasingly more dramatic ways. Just my thoughts of course.
Virgo1982 Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 I'm at a loss, too. You may want to ask her to clarify how 'never wanting to be with you again' translates into going to visit her on Friday. The ex boyfriend comment was pretty dumb, although I think it was meant to hurt you on the same level she is hurt. I agree. She sounds like she will take you back, but she wants you to suffer a little.
bish Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 The ex boyfriend comment was pretty dumb, although I think it was meant to hurt you on the same level she is hurt. It may have been dumb, but maybe now he knows how much it stings.
Author Tripped up Posted July 23, 2008 Author Posted July 23, 2008 Yes it stung, it hurt. But I did not need that to feel any type of pain or remorse. Her right to say it, but I am very much aware of the pains....and remorse over what I have lost.
Virgo1982 Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 It may have been dumb, but maybe now he knows how much it stings. I've been there and the only sting I offer is getting the hell out of dodge-oh, that's right...she's staying. I think her comment was dumb and immature.
Virgo1982 Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 Yes it stung, it hurt. But I did not need that to feel any type of pain or remorse. Her right to say it, but I am very much aware of the pains....and remorse over what I have lost. I believe you. You wouldn't be here saying what you're saying if you didn't. With some people it doesn't matter how you feel or what you know or what you say. Once you've crossed that line, you are dead meat. There's no point in pleading your case because you have crossed the line. They may never be able to get past it. It may be 15 years down the line and your infidelity may come up in an argument. Some people are like that. Some are more forgiving. Either way, it takes time to find out what kind of person you're dealing with. It also boils down to you being honest with yourself as well. Do you see yourself being able to refrain from cheating on her in the future if things go back to normal?
Author Tripped up Posted July 23, 2008 Author Posted July 23, 2008 Based on my past, and this is the first time this has ever happend (me cheating), HELL YES! I have never had an urge to cheat ever!! This one stupid night where i went overboard cost me everything. I am not pulling the please feel sorry for me card at all. But dammit, I have loved this girl for so long, I have never wanted to cheat on her, or even think about it. I think part of my problem is the fact that I was getting used to being able to "handle" all situations, and not realizing the right time to just leave.....or avoid a particular place. It all caught up to me on this one night......unbelievable.
StartingOver07 Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 So she said she is done with me, and does not want to be in any type of relationship for a long time. She stood her ground, and good for her. But then before we get off the phone, she says she misses me and wants me to come visit her Friday!! WTF. Should I go or not? Persue or not? I am at a loss, seriously. She will get extremely angry about all of this, call me a liar, *******, never will be with me again......that everything has a consequence and losing her is my consequence....and she hopes I learn from it. Then 5 minutes later we are laughing and talking away with no problem. Then invites me out to see her.....I am at a loss.... She's confused and in pain. She is angry with you for betraying her but she still loves you. I do not believe she is deliberately toying with you, rather, as the hurt and anger ebb and recede within her, she is revealing that inner turmoil. It sounds as though she does not know how to move forward from here and neither do you. If you want to pursue this with her, you need to tell her clearly and directly that you take responsibility for your actions, that you are sorry, and that nothing like this will ever happen again. Ask her if she is willing to rebuild the r/s. Tell her you are willing to do whatever it takes to do that. If she is willing to work on a resolution with you, then look into getting some sort of couples counseling as this is likely not something you two can tackle alone. She will need to find forgiveness and you will need lots of patience. Good luck.
Angel1111 Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 Based on my past, and this is the first time this has ever happend (me cheating), HELL YES! I have never had an urge to cheat ever!! This one stupid night where i went overboard cost me everything. I am not pulling the please feel sorry for me card at all. But dammit, I have loved this girl for so long, I have never wanted to cheat on her, or even think about it. I think part of my problem is the fact that I was getting used to being able to "handle" all situations, and not realizing the right time to just leave.....or avoid a particular place. It all caught up to me on this one night......unbelievable. Stuff happens. It doesn't make you a rotten person. I think what your gf really needs to know now is that this other girl meant nothing to you and that, in your mind, you're not re-living that night with fond memories and passion. Maybe you've already said all that. If not, then do so. The other thing she needs to know is the basics of what you wrote above, and that you'll never let yourself be put in that position again.
Author Tripped up Posted July 24, 2008 Author Posted July 24, 2008 I really want to see her in person. Even if we did not talk about anything right away. We broke up over the phone, and have not seen each other in some time. I feel like we should at least have a face to face at some point. Am I out of line for thinking that?? Some people are telling me that visiting is a bad idea and I should not even consider it. I miss her though, and I know she misses me, tho in our last conversation she seemed pretty firm in not being able to trust me or wanting to be with me.
Angel1111 Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 I really want to see her in person. Even if we did not talk about anything right away. We broke up over the phone, and have not seen each other in some time. I feel like we should at least have a face to face at some point. Am I out of line for thinking that?? Some people are telling me that visiting is a bad idea and I should not even consider it. I miss her though, and I know she misses me, tho in our last conversation she seemed pretty firm in not being able to trust me or wanting to be with me. It would be out of line if you expected her to meet you face to face, but it's not out of line to want it. It sounds like she would be ok with that so I don't see any problem with it. I think it could only help, and I think you'll know what to say when you see her.
whichwayisup Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 She will get extremely angry about all of this, call me a liar, *******, never will be with me again......that everything has a consequence and losing her is my consequence....and she hopes I learn from it. Then 5 minutes later we are laughing and talking away with no problem. Then invites me out to see her.....I am at a loss.... Her emotions are all over the place. She loves you, but then the next minute she hates you. She hates what you did to her, and she is feeling ALOT of pain right now. That is why she's up and down within a 5 minute time frame.
whichwayisup Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 I really want to see her in person. Even if we did not talk about anything right away. We broke up over the phone, and have not seen each other in some time. I feel like we should at least have a face to face at some point. Am I out of line for thinking that?? This isn't about you now, it's about her. This is her choice - If she wants to see you and talk or just talk over the phone. Don't push..
Author Tripped up Posted July 24, 2008 Author Posted July 24, 2008 This isn't about you now, it's about her. This is her choice - If she wants to see you and talk or just talk over the phone. Don't push.. You are very correct. I thought this same thing right after i posted. Pushing would get horrible results, and be plain disrespectful. I just hope I get time in person at some point along the way.
Angel1111 Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 You are very correct. I thought this same thing right after i posted. Pushing would get horrible results, and be plain disrespectful. I just hope I get time in person at some point along the way. How is it pushing when she has already said she misses you and wants to see you on Friday?
lolobear Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 if you want to visit her, visit her this friday. see how it goes. don't push anything just respond to how she acts. it seems as though she's healing right now and working things out. just stay calm even when she gets angry and be there for her.
bish Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 I've been there and the only sting I offer is getting the hell out of dodge-oh, that's right...she's staying. I think her comment was dumb and immature. And his sucking face with another woman was dumb and immature. So they are even and obviously not meant for each oter. 2 immature people together is definitely a recipe for disaster.
bish Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 Stuff happens. It doesn't make you a rotten person. I think what your gf really needs to know now is that this other girl meant nothing to you What difference does it make if she meant nothing to him?
Virgo1982 Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 And his sucking face with another woman was dumb and immature. So they are even and obviously not meant for each oter. 2 immature people together is definitely a recipe for disaster. Agreed..............
Angel1111 Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 What difference does it make if she meant nothing to him? I think most people would agree that while any type of an affair is horrible, an emotional one tops the list as being the worst. The betrayed person is not only having to deal with the pain of the physical betrayal, but also the pain of knowing their SO has given his/her heart to someone else. It's a double slap in the face.
bish Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 I think most people would agree that while any type of an affair is horrible, an emotional one tops the list as being the worst. The betrayed person is not only having to deal with the pain of the physical betrayal, but also the pain of knowing their SO has given his/her heart to someone else. It's a double slap in the face. I can agree with that. I just think it is so cliche and is seen as kind of a joke when someone is trying to get out of the doghouse and they are saying, "but honey, she meant nothing to me!" as if it should be understood.
Virgo1982 Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 The problem is not what the person means to you, but what infidelity means to your SO.
Stockalone Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 I think most people would agree that while any type of an affair is horrible, an emotional one tops the list as being the worst. The betrayed person is not only having to deal with the pain of the physical betrayal, but also the pain of knowing their SO has given his/her heart to someone else. It's a double slap in the face. I disagree, if a gf cheats on me, I would hope that it at least meant something. To risk a relationship or even a marriage for nothing more than a roll in the hay that meant nothing is just insane.
Nevermind Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 Stockalone is right. If an affair is worth nothing, than essentially the cheater placed the marriage/relationsship below nothing.
Virgo1982 Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 Stockalone is right. If an affair is worth nothing, than essentially the cheater placed the marriage/relationsship below nothing. I think they just take things for granted.
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