mojo1976 Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 I joined this sight because I'm too embarrassed to talk to friends/family about my dilemma. I hope that I can get some advice or at least a reality check here So here it goes... My husband of 10 years has been caught 5 times during the course of our marriage on single's sites. About 6 years ago I found a profile on Cupid.com without a picture but very real information about him and our life. I confronted him about it an he claimed that he was hacking a program that required him (for authentification purposes) to go to this site. Yeah, I was a big dummy, (although I never fully believed his story) and we went along our merry way. Since then, I occasionally check his cookies and more often than not, I find that he has visited a multitude of porn sites. When I confront him, he a accuses me of being psycho and paranoid, (wouldn't you be?) Then he gives me 1000 reasons why these sites were in his history, (pop-ups mainly.) So today I tried to track down a profile for him...and found one on Adulxxxxxxxer.com. It stated, "looking for rendez-vous with mysterious woman" however I couldn't read the rest. I obviously have no way of viewing the rest of the info. without paying for a subscription. Any thoughts, advice? We have a daughter and aside from this dilemma, have a pretty poor relationship. He works all of the time and never participates in outings or family affairs. And when he is home, he is always on his computer (hmm, red flag?) All of the signs are there, and I know what I have to do but I'm really scared. I would really like to have solid evidence that he is in fact cheating before I move forward. Please help!!!
porter218 Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 pay for a subscription, and make a fake profile of an attractive woman. Then bait him. He is cheating I promise you.
PandorasBox Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 May I ask why it is you're staying? For your daughters sake? Its been 5 different times and he is still on these sites even after you questioned him about it? He is going to keep doing this, because he has no reason not too. By you staying you're allowing him to continue with this kind of behavior. How much have you really put your foot down about the issue? Does he really know or care that he might have a wife and daughter to lose over all these issues? Have you suggested marriage counseling for you both? Do you feel he would go? He has disrespected you and the marriage as whole by continuing to do this, don't allow it any longer. Figure out what you truly want to do.
JackJack Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Its unacceptable behavior and I have to wonder why it is, there have been 5 times this has gone on. Its kind of like you're turning the other cheek even though you know what he is doing, because to me, some kind of action should have been taken earlier on. Either by seeking out help, or getting out of the marriage.
Author mojo1976 Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 Thats a good question. Yes, mainly for our daughter. And yes, I've suggested counseling MANY times. And he refuses. I guess I'm not putting my foot down because he makes me feel like I am the one being unreasonable. And I have problems with jealously...I feel a little brainwashed. And it doesn't help that I can't talk to anyone...I think a wake up call is in order! Thanks so much for your advice...I am slowly feeling a little empowerment.
JackJack Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Thats a good question. Yes, mainly for our daughter. And yes, I've suggested counseling MANY times. And he refuses. I guess I'm not putting my foot down because he makes me feel like I am the one being unreasonable. And I have problems with jealously...I feel a little brainwashed. And it doesn't help that I can't talk to anyone...I think a wake up call is in order! Thanks so much for your advice...I am slowly feeling a little empowerment. Of course he is going to make you feel like you're being unreasonable, he is doing something he shouldn't, so he is trying to justify it by making you feel bad or making you question how you feel about it. If he refuses to go to counseling you still could go. You need someone to help guide you in a better direction on what you should do. Never stay for the sake of a child, it does far more damage in the long run, than if you do stay. Kids know when their parents aren't happy, and it just can teach them that a relationship is supposed to be like that. I would think you would want better for your daughter. Good luck and feel free to continue to post here.
porter218 Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 mojo, I am getting the picture that you really need to be absolutely disgusted by him in order to leave. If you do go on those sites and bait him as another woman you will forever change your view of him and finally have a clearer picture of who he is. It is simply amazing to me that he was willing to leave his profile up after you caught him, he is bad news.
Author mojo1976 Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 I've thought of doing this. And you are absolutely right- If it was all in front of me, in B&W, I would surely leave. On another note, is it possible to retrieve chat files on ichat?
blair08 Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 I don't think you have to pay for that site just to chat to others. You may have to for special privlages for things maybe, but not just to chat. Do you know his user name? If so, you could do like someone esle suggested and create you a user name and go in and chat to him and get alot more info that way about what he will or wont do, or what he is into etc. However, I would think that the fact this has been on going even after he knew you knew should be enough for you to see things aren't good, and his intentions are not focused on your marriage.
Author mojo1976 Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 With the Adulxxxxxxxxder site, you are required to join to access any profile or contact info. I guess I'll be joining. Another interesting tidbit...he never lets me see his banking activity, (another long story.) So for all I know, he pays for numerous subscriptions. No one likes to admit they're weak, but if the shoes fits, I'll wear it! I think I'm afraid of being 32 and alone so I put up with behavior that I know is unacceptable.
blair08 Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 With the Adultfriendfinder site, you are required to join to access any profile or contact info. I guess I'll be joining. Another interesting tidbit...he never lets me see his banking activity, (another long story.) So for all I know, he pays for numerous subscriptions. No one likes to admit they're weak, but if the shoes fits, I'll wear it! I think I'm afraid of being 32 and alone so I put up with behavior that I know is unacceptable. You don't have access to the banking activity either? You're married you have rights to that, and any good lawyer will tell you that too. Dating sites and, not letting you see the bank activity, huge red flags! Since he is not sharing the bank busines swith you, it might not just be subscriptions to these places he is paying for either. Please don't stay for fear of being alone. By staying and putting up with that behavior you are saying to yourself you have no self respect and would rather be used like a doormat than getting out of it. Think more of yourself and child. Please keep us up to date on things.
porter218 Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 With the Adultfriendfinder site, you are required to join to access any profile or contact info. I guess I'll be joining. Another interesting tidbit...he never lets me see his banking activity, (another long story.) So for all I know, he pays for numerous subscriptions. No one likes to admit they're weak, but if the shoes fits, I'll wear it! I think I'm afraid of being 32 and alone so I put up with behavior that I know is unacceptable. How is he keeping the banking info away from you? Go to the bank and request it. I am sure there is a way for you to get hold of the banking records.
Lizzie60 Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 WOW.. just WOW... come on women !!!! WTF is wrong... Kick him to the curb... geezzz...
Author mojo1976 Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 We have separate checking accounts because he is horrible at managing money. After about 2 or 3 overdrafts from our account I decided to create my own checking account. He gives me a check for the bills every month, and I pay them. Wow, I have been blind for the past 10 years! It's pretty embarrassing!
Mr. Lucky Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 With the Adultfriendfinder site, you are required to join to access any profile or contact info. I guess I'll be joining. Why would you join? You don't just have the smoking gun already, you have the bullets, the shells and the ballistic's test !!! This search for further proof is just stalling on your part to avoid dealing with the truth. See a lawyer tomorrow, find out what your rights are and get going before you're dealing with STD's or other like issues... Mr. Lucky
2sunny Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 buy a keylogger and put it on the computer he uses at home. this will tell you all his keystrokes and give you all the sites he visits with passwords as well. then you will really know what he's doing or not doing. get yourself set and ready to find out what you really have been ignoring though. as far as money - do you have tax records? can you move money to your own account in case you need it for the future? can you ask the bank for copies of HIS past bank statements? you need to be smart and protect yourself and your child. keylogger first... good luck.
wannabehappy Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 I am maybe naive but is divorce and lawyers the answer when she does not know what she wants at this point. Should divorce not be the last resort as all others have falled. I am sorry if I don't agree with how some of you feel it is just my opinion. I feel you have the right to threaten him with some hard facts like you can not live with how he is behaving. He may be full of it and just seeking attention. Protect yourself also cuz you really don't know how far he has gone and he does not seem to be honest with you. It is time for some big decisions now and you have every right to give him his choices of going to counseling, coming clean, or anything else you want. I am sorry you have to go through this speak your peace and let him know what you want and expect.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 I am maybe naive but is divorce and lawyers the answer when she does not know what she wants at this point. Should divorce not be the last resort as all others have falled. Seeing a lawyer and a potential separation don't necessarily equal divorce. But it does do two things: 1). It gives her and her child some protection financially. 2). It gives her some leverage with her H, who has not been forthcoming, to come clean and get into MC to truly work on the M. Proceeding on her present course just enables him to deny and continue to act out... Mr. Lucky
Author mojo1976 Posted July 23, 2008 Author Posted July 23, 2008 Good point however he is a really good BS artist. And I guarantee he will talk his way out of my allegations and turn it around on me (I'm paranoid, jealous, etc.) If I plan on pursuing a divorce I would like hard evidence so there is no room for denial.
JackJack Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 Good point however he is a really good BS artist. And I guarantee he will talk his way out of my allegations and turn it around on me (I'm paranoid, jealous, etc.) If I plan on pursuing a divorce I would like hard evidence so there is no room for denial. Get the evidence you need, just incase he does what you say he will, then seek a lawyer. That is, assuming you want to end this mess.
GreenEyedLady Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 Why do you need evidence? You don't need any evidence to get a divorce. And why shouldn't divorce be a legitimate option here? Not everyone was meant to stay married and the OP admits they have a poor R. Who wants to stay married to someone who has for the majority of their M, completely disrespected their partner? Does the OP want to have to check single sites and pay for porn subscriptions the entire length of the M? The rest of her life if she stays married? 32 is YOUNG. Cut your losses now so you can find a real partner, someone who is suited for you. I'm 33 and divorced when I was 28. Let me tell you, my thirties beat the hell out of twenties. I wasted my twenties on a man who would never be able to love me. Don't make the same mistake because you're afraid to be alone. Being alone is preferable to finding your H on Adultfriendfinder, don't you think? GEL
EnigmasMuse Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 Why do you need evidence? You don't need any evidence to get a divorce. And why shouldn't divorce be a legitimate option here? Not everyone was meant to stay married and the OP admits they have a poor R. Who wants to stay married to someone who has for the majority of their M, completely disrespected their partner? Does the OP want to have to check single sites and pay for porn subscriptions the entire length of the M? The rest of her life if she stays married? 32 is YOUNG. Cut your losses now so you can find a real partner, someone who is suited for you. I'm 33 and divorced when I was 28. Let me tell you, my thirties beat the hell out of twenties. I wasted my twenties on a man who would never be able to love me. Don't make the same mistake because you're afraid to be alone. Being alone is preferable to finding your H on Adultfriendfinder, don't you think? GEL I don't think she really needs much evidence either, she knows what he is doing. However, maybe for some people, they would just feel better if they had it in hand. I dunno.
Jennifer26 Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 I think you have all you need to move forward with this. You should stop monitoring what he is doing for your own sake. He may not be cheating, but I would bet my life's savings he will eventually. He is well on that path. He isn't just looking at porn, he is actually looking for ways to meet up with real women. Whether or not he's been successful at this point I feel is irrelevant. He is going to try to make you feel like this is your fault, your insecurity. It is the usual modus operandi in these situations. You probably do have low self esteem, and you probably are insecure. Why else would you put up with this? And he is counting on you feeling bad about yourself to continue on. Stop the cycle and put your foot down. You DO have enough here to make an informed decision, and that should be that he goes to martial counseling with you or that you leave (or he leaves). I know this thought is probably scary, but if you don't do something nothing is going to change and it is very unlikely he won't eventually find someone to have that real affair with (if he hasn't already). You should also look into some individual counseling for yourself. You might discover why you have low self esteem, and get some really good coping strategies. Focus on you. You might not be able to change him, even with counseling and you need to be in a place where you feel good about yourself and where you will be okay and not destroyed if he does (or already has) have an affair.
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