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moving on, the questions, the feelings--what i've learned.


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Posted

I can't say all these things I've completely internalized but these are some little pep talks I've written to myself to help deal with recurring questions and problems during the "recovery" period. Feel free to add your two cents or correct me if you think I am wrong :) My hope in posting these is not to be a definitive authority on how to think your way through a breakup, but rather to help someone else who is hurting like I have been. I am a woman, so just change the sex-specific language where necessary.

 

1. The "Will he ever realize what he lost/will he ever apologize?" dilemma.

For me this has been the latest in a long line of things that I can't seem to resolve and bother me in the aftermath of our breakup. However, I've realized a couple of things.

- My worth doesn't depend on his appraisal of me. Whether or not he ever apologizes, realizes he hurt me so badly, wishes he hadn't lost me, whatever...it can't be something I'm waiting for to fix a bruise in my ego. Yes, even if I do realize that I don't need him to apologize and that it has nothing to do with me personally, it would still feel nice..but I have to get to a place where it is not what I am hanging my hopes on. My value comes from something inside of myself, not someone else's judgment. There is a time and place for me to evaluate what I did wrong in this relationship but overall if someone rejects me and I know I did the best I could in that relationship, it is truly their loss. It sounds trite, but it is true. Finding someone who sees all the beauty you possess and is not willing to give it up is the great part about breaking up, if there is such a thing. Once you've moved beyond one who has hurt you, you are open to finding one who will see you for all that you are.

- An apology requires a change of heart and a suspension of pride. Many, many, many people are completely unable to admit a mistake. Others who may know on the inside that they have done wrong by another are unable to say it out loud. We learn these things from our parents, from our culture, from our experiences. A lack of an apology is not always a total lack of remorse. Furthermore, if they are not the type to admit wrong or hurting someone else, it is probably very hard-wired and won't change. Lastly, someone who is too stubborn to show remorse for hurting the one they loved the most is not someone you want to be your love for life.

- Sometimes what is lost is just not as important to them as it is to you. This is a painful truth, but there is a flip side. If you were with someone who did not prize you enough to stay by your side, then you are now free to meet the person who will. Be thankful. Furthermore, if what you had with someone else was very important to you, you are probably a really great person. Loving deeply is a fantastic quality, though sometimes it makes you hurt like hell. Be proud of yourself for having the depth of character to love another completely enough that they could be in a position to hurt you. Some people cannot attain this intimacy and you are WONDERFUL because you can.

- No matter what, nobody else is like you. Your imprint on their life is indelible. As human beings, our experiences with others are never completely forgotten. Even if your ex never says it out loud, there is a song on the radio that makes him think of you, there is a girl he sees from behind on a busy sidewalk who sends a little tingle of memory down his spine, there's a restaurant that he will never be able to separate from that time you laughed all night in the corner booth, there is a quiet time in the night when he remembers the smell of your hair. No matter how heartless, how seemingly cruel, you were a part of their life they can never change. Don't feel that you are replaceable or forgettable or any of it. They may be living that way, but I very firmly doubt anyone feels that way 10000% in their heart. For some people, me especially, it is hard feeling "forgotten." Know you are not, and know even more than that that your worth doesn't depend on his opinion anyway (back to point one.)

 

2. The "Will we get back together?" question.

- Almost all quick resolutions are a product of loneliness or comfort. If there was something wrong that caused the split, there needs to be time for someone to change. I know I have changed my way of acting in a relationship after every single one because I've seen where I have to improve. This doesn't happen overnight. If I didn't have a chance to get over being angry about the split or angry at the other person or just plain indifferent towards them, I wouldn't get to the place where I could honestly evaluate myself. Any quick fix to the break will only be because someone is lonely and looking for comfort or an ego boost. You don't WANT them back right now if you didn't motivate the split because they have not had time to change whatever it was that broke you up in the first place. This is not true in all cases, but in mine, it definitely is.

- Act in each day with the reality you have been given. All we have is every day since the split. If when you wake up in the morning, you are broken up with someone and it's because they wanted it to be that way, you have to live that truth. Grieve, cry, be angry, be indifferent, think about what happened, think about what went wrong, whatever. But keep living your life. Let your heart feel the process. Every time you cry you release a little more pain, you move on a little more. Maybe you will have a chance to try again but that can't be your reason for living, because if you don't, you will be devastated. Be truly present in each day. If you want to have hope, fine, but realize that as of today that hope is not realized and you can't sit around on your butt waiting for it to be. Work on yourself, work on your life, keep moving forward. People who get back together will get back together in a time frame that's right for them. If you do, you do. But you may just wake up one day and realize that you've built a life for yourself that doesn't revolve around them anymore...and that you're ok with that. Live each day with what you have to work with...right now that is only yourself. Let it happen as it should and things will be what they ought. (those who don't believe in fate may take issue with this, but i do believe in it to an extent, so it's helped me.)

- Do you REALLY want them back? Think about the things they did that drove you nuts. Think about ways you had hoped to find a soulmate who did not have certain qualities or did have certain qualities that they do or don't have. Maybe you don't miss them as much as you miss companionship and love. Make sure you know the difference. (For me, this didn't really work, at least I don't have the perspective for it to yet, but for some who are walking away from bad relationships, this is a good reality check.)

- You can't make someone love you. Along with living everyday with the reality you've been given, you have to realize that all you can do is keep living life. You can't do or say anything to make them love you or be with you if they don't want to. Don't think you are so strong as to control someone else, at least not their love. Nobody has that power, and that's how it ought to be. Love gained by manipulation is no love at all, and you have to accept that if they do not choose to love you and work things out, you can't make them. So go NC, back away, let it be. Deep down, you know you don't want to force someone to love you even if you could. Even deeper, you know you want to be with someone who does not need to struggle to find a reason to love you or who is so unsure about their investment in you. For the right person, this is not a question. You stay with the one you cannot live without. If they can live without you, you can live without them too.

 

3. The "When will I feel better? Why can't I stop obsessing? Why does this hurt so bad?" problem.

- You can't put a timeline on healing, and you don't want to. If you're going to recover as a whole person and put it behind you as much as you can once and for all, the only way out is through. Every time you cry is one less time you will ever cry over this relationship. Every time you feel the feelings your brain learns to move past them a little more. Every time you hurt is taking you one step closer to accepting it and not hurting any more. There's no quick fix, there's no easy way out, and there will be bad days ahead. The good news is, you will learn about yourself, you will learn how to avoid this again, you will learn about coping and you will be able to help others with what you now know. The only way out is through, and you will be stronger for it.

- Love is powerful, it is a credit to us that we let ourselves be open to it enough to get hurt. Some people never learn how to love someone else deeply. Some never let themselves go there emotionally. You are a precious, wonderful, great, deep person because you have loved someone else. People who don't put themselves out there don't get hurt because they don't risk anything. They also never gain anything. You took a risk and you got the crappy end of it, but at least you took it. You are brave for doing so and you will be brave enough to do it again. You're living a life that has meaning--no heart unhurt can be truly compassionate, no person unharmed can truly learn how to be whole and love someone else with the care they wish others had with them.

- You can't stop obsessing because it mattered to you, and that's ok. Talk it out. Work it out. Write, sing, cry, pray, laugh, but don't stop living your life. Let the people around you help you through it. Read things that are inspirational. Give yourself some time to cry but then GET ON WITH YOUR DAY. Don't punish yourself for feeling, it is good, it is natural. Just don't let it derail you from working on healing, just a little bit, every day. Do something kind for yourself, or someone else. Volunteer. Hug a little kid. Pet an animal. Walk in the woods. Sounds silly but the little things in life can give us hope and help move the mind from pain to purpose.

- See the light at the end of the tunnel. It may be hard to forsee, but there is a point in the future where this will not hurt the same way it does now. For some who really process the feelings and let themselves heal, it will not hurt at all. There's hope. Don't lose sight of it. Time is a great healer.

 

4. The "What now?" problem.

- Find what you are passionate about. Sometimes when you are with someone else they become your whole life. In some senses this is natural and ok, you love them and that love motivates you to do things that are good for them. But now you only have to do what is good for you. It is cliche advice, but finding something new to throw yourself into (and no, that hot runner guy down the street doesn't count) can do wonders. For me it has been writing more and spending my money on myself, volunteering at a local soup kitchen and spending more time with friends. My boyfriend never stopped me from doing these things, per se, but I made him my priority and now I have that time and energy freed up for something else. I'm making the most of it.

- You are whole. You always have been. You always will be. You just have to believe it. We often describe our SO as our "other half," but you are a whole in and of yourself. You will find that the more you believe this, the more you act as though it is true, the more good things will come to you. Being a whole means that you care enough about your life's purpose to pursue it despite someone else. Being a whole means you don't hurt yourself on purpose because you value yourself. Being a whole means you don't sacrifice unreasonably for someone else because if they force you to, you do not need them because you are whole without them. I am not advocating being selfish by any means, but having self-respect and not abandoning your innermost values and life goals and passions in the pursuit of love or another person is important. The best companions are those who are in step with us, and your wholeness means you don't need to be with someone else who is not in step with you to survive. You can go it alone and find another whole person who is walking in the same direction you are. Also, being whole means that you can be alone with yourself and remain undisturbed by it. No, I am not advocating living like a hermit either, but learning to appreciate your own silence and self-reflection means you approach others at your best. You don't NEED things from them, you don't DEMAND things from them, you don't put your fears and hurts and empty spaces out and beg for them to be filled. Nobody else can do that. You will be happier with others if you know are whole.

 

This is very long but I hope it has encouraged someone. It helped me so much to write it. You all are great.

Posted

AMAZING. Thanks so much. I will re-read this time and time again.

Posted

Thanks you very much. A brilliant post. Please share more knowledge whenever you can. Welcome to LS also!!

Posted

Extraordinary. I just printed it out.

 

Thank you.

Posted

This absolutely brilliant. Thank you so so much :)

  • Author
Posted

I'm so glad it was helpful. It helped me so much to write it :)

You all are very sweet, it means a lot to me what you have said.

Posted

*bumped* for brilliance. Thanks EM.

  • Author
Posted

thanks :) i have to admit, it is much easier to give advice than to take my own and if it makes anybody feel any better, I've read this to myself in poor states of mind that make it unbelievable that the same person who is feeling so bad now wrote it. just goes to show that it's an up and down ride and you have to take the moments of clarity and believe them when you are down.

Posted

Excellent post! I read it all the time now! But if I may ask another question... and anyone can answer.

 

How can anyone move on so fast and with another person?

 

Now I understand the whole, they moved on at some point near the beginning of the breakup and I hate to think that we didn't mean anything to them. Believe me, I was very good to him. How can he do this to me when I loved him so much? I don't know if my man has been with another person but I suspect it... and it hurts... we've been together for about a year, been friends a year before that. Why would anybody want to rebound? I can't imagine being with anybody else! I was so devoted to him and I only wanted him. I just don't understand any of this...

Posted

 

How can anyone move on so fast and with another person?

 

 

All I can do to answer is to relate to past experience.

 

I had been going out with a girl for around 6 months (my ex, ex), we got on real well and at the beginning I was really attracted to her.

 

But as time went on that attraction kind of faded, BUT I liked her company and rather than finish it I just kept on with it… I had nothing to move on to (makes me sound like a total dick, but it’s the truth), and I guess I was kind of in a comfortable place. Two weeks before we split up we went to my friends wedding together, the day after that there was a party at my mums house so she got to meet all that side of the family, and the day after that was my dads birthday (theyre separated), so we went to that to meet all his side of the family – we were basically together for 4 days, and she met everyone I cared about, we were traveling up and down the country to go to these things BUT and it was at this point I realized it had to end because she started thinking by my actions of introing to all these people it was going to move forward (the relationship).

 

I can remember looking at her, and how happy she looked… but inside I knew I would have to end it, and soon. It didn’t go down to well… Of course she wanted closure – all kinds of questions and I don’t understands… but I couldn’t bring myself to just say “sorry, I am no longer attracted to you”.

 

I started dating someone within a few weeks, and never looked back… I could move on, beacuse I just didn’t care, and there was no attraction anymore, I couldn’t even bear to sleep with her in the final week when I realised. HARSH to hear!! I could never tell her any of this of course.

Posted

This is just what I needed to hear. Thank you!

Posted

Rog, that was thoroughly depressing.

Posted
Rog, that was thoroughly depressing.

 

Sorry. As i said - that's how i found it easy to move on then.

I'm not saying everyones like that, or every situation is...

 

I still speak with her alot. In fact we met up the other week for the first time and got really drunk in some bar. It was fun. She's a nice girl.. but there's nothing there.

  • Author
Posted
I couldn’t bring myself to just say “sorry, I am no longer attracted to you”.

 

My ex did say that. I have never "lost" feeling for someone while in a relationship so it strikes me as cruel and unusual I've got to say.

Posted
Sorry. As i said - that's how i found it easy to move on then.

I'm not saying everyones like that, or every situation is...

 

I still speak with her alot. In fact we met up the other week for the first time and got really drunk in some bar. It was fun. She's a nice girl.. but there's nothing there.

 

That's what happens. At least it's the truth. It helps me realize this so we can move forward to the next part in life!

Posted

Extraordinarymachine - thanks for posting. A great post!

 

How can anyone move on so fast and with another person?

 

In my case, my ex had checked out long before he actually got out. It was clear in everything he said and did. Deep down I knew it but kept on ignoring the "signs" and I wouldn't listen to the non-verbal communication. I was in total denial. The more distant he became the more I made excuses for his behaviour (i.e. He's just tired. He's been under a lot of pressure lately. He just needs some time "off" and get away from it all.)

 

The truth is that he was under pressure - pressure of not knowing how to tell me that he no longer felt the way he did and that he was no longer attracted to me.

 

He was tired. Tired of having to pretend everything was OK when actually it was not and tired of me asking what had changed.

 

He needed a break. He wanted some space. He wanted time out of the relationship. He wanted a permanent break.

 

I read the signs correctly but denial wouldn't let me process what I knew to be true.

 

I have gone through a lot of emotion following the break-up --shock, grief, denial, guilt, anger, despair, etc but the one which has helped me the most to move on is ACCEPTANCE. It took me a long time to get there but with it comes, finally, PEACE.

  • Author
Posted

I agree. More often than not the person who moves on quickly was either already emotionally checked out and picked the new partner before they left you or they are rebounding to save themselves pain.

 

Regardless, their behavior is not going to make them happy long-term, so you just worry about you. It's not a reflection on you that they moved on fast, it's a reflection on their inability to be alone and lack of mindfulness about relationship choices. Seriously.

Posted

What a wonderful posting. I've saved it so that I can read it on the days when I'm weepy and nostalgic. This is an inspiration and written from strength. Thank you EM for sharing this

Posted

Again EM, this post is quite amazing so a little *bump* for you!

 

Now on to my original question: How can anyone move on so fast and with another person?

 

All I can do to answer is to relate to past experience.

 

I had been going out with a girl for around 6 months (my ex, ex), we got on real well and at the beginning I was really attracted to her.

 

But as time went on that attraction kind of faded, BUT I liked her company and rather than finish it I just kept on with it… I had nothing to move on to (makes me sound like a total dick, but it’s the truth), and I guess I was kind of in a comfortable place. Two weeks before we split up we went to my friends wedding together, the day after that there was a party at my mums house so she got to meet all that side of the family, and the day after that was my dads birthday (theyre separated), so we went to that to meet all his side of the family – we were basically together for 4 days, and she met everyone I cared about, we were traveling up and down the country to go to these things BUT and it was at this point I realized it had to end because she started thinking by my actions of introing to all these people it was going to move forward (the relationship).

 

I can remember looking at her, and how happy she looked… but inside I knew I would have to end it, and soon. It didn’t go down to well… Of course she wanted closure – all kinds of questions and I don’t understands… but I couldn’t bring myself to just say “sorry, I am no longer attracted to you”.

 

I started dating someone within a few weeks, and never looked back… I could move on, beacuse I just didn’t care, and there was no attraction anymore, I couldn’t even bear to sleep with her in the final week when I realised. HARSH to hear!! I could never tell her any of this of course.

 

I suppose 6 months may not seem long but... I'm sorry roghornio, I know that I may not know you but... yeah that all seemed a bit harsh and cruel. But I guess you can't deny your feelings but I don't understand how someone just forgets someone else and moved on so swiftly? And started dated someone new within a few weeks? Don't people need time to recover? Kudos to you though for letting her know sooner than later. I just wish her heart wasn't breaking :(

 

Extraordinarymachine - thanks for posting. A great post!

 

How can anyone move on so fast and with another person?

 

In my case, my ex had checked out long before he actually got out. It was clear in everything he said and did. Deep down I knew it but kept on ignoring the "signs" and I wouldn't listen to the non-verbal communication. I was in total denial. The more distant he became the more I made excuses for his behaviour (i.e. He's just tired. He's been under a lot of pressure lately. He just needs some time "off" and get away from it all.)

 

The truth is that he was under pressure - pressure of not knowing how to tell me that he no longer felt the way he did and that he was no longer attracted to me.

 

He was tired. Tired of having to pretend everything was OK when actually it was not and tired of me asking what had changed.

 

He needed a break. He wanted some space. He wanted time out of the relationship. He wanted a permanent break.

 

I read the signs correctly but denial wouldn't let me process what I knew to be true.

 

I have gone through a lot of emotion following the break-up --shock, grief, denial, guilt, anger, despair, etc but the one which has helped me the most to move on is ACCEPTANCE. It took me a long time to get there but with it comes, finally, PEACE.

 

I feel that I was also in this situation Issue. And yeah it's going to be okay for all of us. My ex is an ******* and I say this very easily because he was a thoughtless, insensitive person. And I shouldn't waste any more of my thoughts on him. And you are absolutely right, ACCEPTANCE is important. I'm going to accept the fact that he didn't want to be spoiled like a king or treated with respect and love and I probably will accept that I was the best thing in his life :D If he doesn't want me then fooey on him... what an idiot lol

 

I agree. More often than not the person who moves on quickly was either already emotionally checked out and picked the new partner before they left you or they are rebounding to save themselves pain.

 

Regardless, their behavior is not going to make them happy long-term, so you just worry about you. It's not a reflection on you that they moved on fast, it's a reflection on their inability to be alone and lack of mindfulness about relationship choices. Seriously.

 

THANK YOU for writing this statement. This sounds so reasonable and logical, and it just makes perfect sense! I just don't seem to understand how people... anybody... can be so heartless. Then again, the people who honestly and truly love me and care about me say... don't waste another thought on him. Whether he is or isn't with another person, he lost a great asset and that was you. And I try to tell myself that all the time. I guess I kind of understand the whole it's better to love and lost and not to love at all. I don't need anybody's love or approval then my own. Someone else is going to be loved by me and they're one lucky guy ;)

  • Author
Posted
I don't need anybody's love or approval then my own. Someone else is going to be loved by me and they're one lucky guy ;)

 

PREACH IT! :)

 

 

Seriously, if you have good friends and you have people in your life who you know love and appreciate you, take that at face value. You wouldn't have them if you weren't kind and contributing to their lives in some way. When your friends say it's their loss, they mean it--because they have you in their lives and wouldn't trade it for the world.

 

peace&love.

EM

Posted

THIS IS AMAZING! Thank you so much for writing it, it has helped and touched me so much! I'm def gonna print it out!

Posted

Thank you for your post.

 

I really applaud your ability to write something so meaningful and useful to all of us who frequent this forum. I can relate to it very closely, and it speaks the truth.

 

Hope to see more of you here!

Posted

 

I started dating someone within a few weeks, and never looked back… I could move on, beacuse I just didn’t care, and there was no attraction anymore, I couldn’t even bear to sleep with her in the final week when I realised. HARSH to hear!! I could never tell her any of this of course.

 

Wow, yeah, it is harsh to hear for us dumpees, BUT it is interesting to hear some cold hard dumper's truth (or at least one dumper's truth). My ex also said he got 'bored' with the relationship and made statements implying that he wanted variety (and one thing I can't do is morph into a different body). I can understand the sentiment (though I don't have it myself), but I just wonder, how can I avoid having this happen to me again? How can I find a guy who is not prone to this sort of boredom / loss of attraction over time?

Posted

I think you can only hope to avoid it. It's just part of the risk we all take when getting invovled with another person.

Posted

Fab post extroadinarymachine x

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