ellen24 Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Too make a long story short, i have been with my boyfriend 5 1/2 years, in which 3 1/2 of them he was incarcerated. depsite his situation, we had a very close and loving relationship. we talked everyday, i visited him every weekend, and we talked of starting a family upon his release... fast forward, he was out a little while ago but confined to the home.. things were good. however, 5 weeks ago he became totally free and seems to have just detached himslef from me... he started goign out drinking every friday with work friedns, goign to see his mom on weekends and juts being cold in general. when we talked about it, he said it had nothing to do with me, that he loves me, but needs space and wanted to move out and get his own apt but still be with me.. he said he was afraid i would think him moving out would make me think he didn't want to be with me, but that wasn't true.. anyway, i agreeed that b/c he was in jail for so long that he prob has so many voids to fill and that i understood. Two weeks pass, he does nothing to loook for an apt but gets colder and colder and doesn't even want to have sex. granted, he is working 12 hours days, and i am not workinng, so i clearly have more energyr, but still!! anyway, i finally brinng it up to him again, he says to just relax, but that he needs to be alone. i asked if he wanted a break, and he said no, but that he needs to be "alone". what is the difference. then we had sex and he was very sweet that day... next day, he is so kind, but then he took a random girl out to dinnner that friday nigth!! a random girl!! nothing happened, but it could have... so i told him ,i understood needing space but taking a girl out and coming home to me, was more than space, it is cheating and he needed to move out that day to his dad's house.. he then said " all we need is a break". that was one week ago.. now, he has been coming by nightly to pick up stuff. he still calls me baby and kisses me goodbye on the lips, but doesn't really seem concerned with callling me....i feel like he has thrown away all that we shared. i do understand that this must be hard for him,. he is 28 years old and wasted some good years of his life in jail... maybe ne needs to sow his wild oats or feel accomplished for himslef. another thing i thought of was maybe he feesl "indebted" to me as he wrote often in letters, but that is not a good feelign to have and maybe he started to see me as an obligation.... especiallly since his whole family was like " you have to make it work with her. she stuck by you"..... so part of me understands, part of me thinks it is a cop out , and part of me believe he will come back , but really does need time... what should i do???????????? has anyone been in this situation??? could his feeling for me rally have vanished?? he is so cold to me right now and acts like he has no idea whay i am upset that our whole relationship just crumbled
Chinook Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 I don't think you're the one with the jumbled head unfortunately. But you are the one who is trying to make sense of things. Imagine this if you will... he's incarcerated... for a long time. His close and emotionally fulfilling relationship is you. It's pretty much all he needs to keep him focused until he gets out. Whilst in jail, no matter what they tell you on the news, people are still institutionalised and still desensitised to emotional contact and other sources of stimulation. They're literally taken 'out' of society. However, on his release, he's immediately thrown back into that society and re-introduced to a whole world of sources of stimulation for both his mental, physical, emotional and other needs. Basically whilst he was in jail, you were a nice distraction, keeping him sane. Now he's out, he probably doesn't need you and probably does feel obligated to stay. That's not to say he doesn't care about you - he probably does. But it's just that his feelings have changed because his environment, his world has changed, who he is and how he fits in around his world has also changed. He's not who he was. He's right when he tells you it's not about you, or because of you... it's him. The sad thing is, as with any hugely impacting event in one's life, no one can tell you whether it will right itself or not. For me, the fact that he disrespected me by taking another girl to dinner - just a random girl - not even a friend, would be enough for me to quit right now. He acts so coldly towards you because he actually has no clue what he's doing to you. It's not about you, he's not thinking about you right now. He's adjusting to him, his world and how it all works out. Whether it all goes pear-shaped or not, only time will tell. For you - you have to decide whether to waste any more time on him.
sunshinegirl Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 With all kindness, I think you need to start asking why you chose to stay with a convict for so many years, someone unavailable for most of it and therefore by definition couldn't give you very much for more than half of your time together. And now that he's free again? He's still not giving you much. I suspect that the real answer to your questions and this puzzle will only come when you examine your own motivations for being with him. There are thousands of men out there who have NOT wasted good years of their life in prison. Why are you staying with one who has?
Author ellen24 Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 thanks for your quick reply.. i mean, i do get that despite all off his pledges of love and promises to me, there was not way that he was ever goign to be able to anticipate how he woul feel upon his release, and knowing him as i do, somwehere down the line, he will call and apoligize for his coldness. he keeps saying he would never hurt me intentionally, and i do believe that, by i think you were on the money when you said' he's not thinking about you. he is thinking about him".... in some ways, i regret telling him he had to move out b/c i feel like i lost him, but on the other hand, i had already lost him. he was so removed emtionally.. i regret that it toook me a few weeks to "get it" when he said that it wasn't me, it was him, and he juts needed space, and almost feel like i pushed him further away. i almost wish i had ridden this "transition" out with him, but with him by my side. on the other hand ( i am obviously confused!), part of me thinks that finding out about the random girl, was the shove that we needed to get us to this "break"... we shared a lot over the years, and i think we both felt we needed it, but even though he could say he needed space, he was too afraid to suggest a break.... oh, and btw, the taking the random girl to dinner was what first got me thinking about how he may feel obligted to me.... like maybe taking me to dinner was an obligation for all that i havedone for him, be he can start fresh with a randome girl as a wokring professsional taking a girl out that he owes nothing to... i have told him he owes me nothing, be/c eveything i put into the realtionship, i was getting back in other forms., such a in love an emotional support.i didn't do anythin i didnt want to do or wouldn't do again/ and good point, how long do i wait?? this wholeprocess for him could take years to figure out for him... it has been 8 days.. i have stopped crying and feel resolved, but then feel sick about not spending my life with him..
Author ellen24 Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 the thanks response was to chinook. to sunshine girl, i don't know the answers to that.... i def was faced with a lot of questions over the years by people who knew my situation.... we did have really strong bond as wierd as it sounds, and although he was not part of my dialy life in the regualr way, i feel like we commmunicated more each week than most couples.. but yes, i think some self-refelction would be good. i don't knwo, maybe it had to do with my self-esteem issues, or fear of rejection or of intimacy... who knows... i did belive that thigns would be different though when he got out. i guess that is why i stayed.
Chinook Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 With all kindness, I think you need to start asking why you chose to stay with a convict for so many years, someone unavailable for most of it and therefore by definition couldn't give you very much for more than half of your time together. And now that he's free again? He's still not giving you much. I suspect that the real answer to your questions and this puzzle will only come when you examine your own motivations for being with him. There are thousands of men out there who have NOT wasted good years of their life in prison. Why are you staying with one who has?Hi Sunny, whilst I agree with what you're saying regarding emotional unavailability and it could actually be an issue. I also think maybe in the case of the OP, there was a genuine commitment to 'stand by' her man initially - I've done this myself in the past (not with a convict, but certain situations I believed warranted commitment). I don't think there's really anything wrong with this if over time it's demonstrated that he's showing the same commitment in return. In jail it's difficult to assess that. But now, the field of play has changed and he isn't showing that same commitment, it's time for the OP to adjust her viewpoint accordingly and get on with her life. That's my feeling anyhow.
sunshinegirl Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 That makes sense. I skimmed quickly over the part where they were together before the jail thing. Still, surely the OP had some glimpse of his character, beliefs, and behaviors pre-conviction and even though I don't know what the crime was, there had to be some red flags in play even then. And if so, I do still think it's worth it for the OP to ask herself what motivates her to stand by such a man? This is a bit of conjecture, so perhaps it's not applicable. I take your point. I have just become a big fan of looking inside for answers. We don't choose our partners randomly.
Author ellen24 Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 it makes sense to re-evaluate and see if level of committment is returned... and truthfully, although hard to evaluate in jail, it WAS returned... sound silly but the fact that he managed to buy me a diamond rin halfway trhough his time, showed me he was serious. and i think at the time those feelings were genuine.... anyway, the only reason that i can't bring myself to fully throw in the towel right tow is that is has only been 5, well now 6 weeks!! of his freedom. i was anticipating some sort of transition and that i would be hard, but just as i am pissed at him for felling like he bailed when times got tough, i did not want to bail on him juts b/c times got tough. we have been through tougher.... that is why i said in the previous post that i kind of wished i had ridden it out a little to see when/if it reverted to normal... like i put too much pressure on the relationship to "work" right away. but now i can't change the past and i do miss him.
Chinook Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Ellen I think basically between us (me, you and Sunny) we've kinda concluded that you've really given him enough chances and whilst you've showed the time and commitment, he hasn't. You deserve better. I know it's hard and I know you miss him, but face it hon, if it's like this now... it's unlikely to suddenly get better.
Author ellen24 Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 sad, probably true, but at least you made me laugh!! heartbreak just sucks so bad!!
Chinook Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Well, I'm kinda guessing that we here all know that
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