The Ex came up to me in a coffeeshop

July 22, 2008

Hi everyone, as most of you know, I have been getting through this crap and trying to put the past behind me. It has been a couple of weeks I think since she emailed and called and I replied telling her it was done, and not to contact me again. I really thought that would do it and she would continue on her way and I would go my way. WRONG!!! She showed up and sat down while I was in a coffee shop having lunch yesterday. I was sitting there eating and she came up from behind me and quickly sat down and stared at me. To say I was shocked would be the biggest understatement in history!!! I sat there for a minute, unable to muster any thing except- why are you doing this to me ?

She looked at me and with her eyes tearing up she said that she really missed me and needed to see me and talk to me. She said that she was not happy now and that she missed what we had. I continued to try and look calm and eat my sandwich, all the while trying not to break down myself. ( why the f**k do I still feel like crying every time I see her, it makes me so mad ) She continued by starting to tell me how her new guy is not who she thought he was and she thinks she made a big mistake with him. At this point I look up and say- do not mention him to me again, I never want to hear another word about your life with him.

She starts to really cry now and I am holding back tears myself. All of a sudden I just get mad and I feel like screaming at her. I decide to lay it on the line and tell her once and for all where I am at. With a semi-calm voice I tell her that she made the decision to cheat, she made the decision to dump me and she made the decision to move in with him. She now has to live with those decisions because whatever we had is in the past and can never be again. I told her I will always care about her but we are done. I do not want her anymore and she has to accept that I am gone for good. I could have worked on things with her if not for the cheating, but to me that is a deal breaker and one thing we can not recover from. She is trying to butt in during this speech and I tell her to be quiet while I finish. I continued by saying that this has been the hardest thing I have been through in my life and I have no intentions of going through it again. I said that we have both changed during these last 4 months and I for one am happy that I found out who you really were before we got married or bought a house together.

She sat there and just stared at me for a minute and than said that she is so sorry for hurting me and that she knows she made a big mistake. She asked if I thought we could be friends down the road and I said no, I don't think I can do that. She got up, still crying and tried to lean over and hug me. I pulled back and she looked at me again and walked away.

This whole thing seemed like it took an hour but it actually only took about 10 minutes. She left the coffee shop and had to walk right by the window where I was sitting. She was still crying and had her hand over her mouth. At that moment, I wanted to run after her and hold her so much, I cannot tell you. I sat there for a minute and replayed every word in my head. I started to cry and felt so f**king terrible I cannot put it into words. It is so hard to end something with someone you still love!!!! I know deep in my heart that she would do this again and I would be destroyed again but a small part of me wants her.

This may sound funny coming from someone who has been screwed over so badly, but I felt bad for her. She looked terrible today and she looked scared and unsure. I do not wish anything bad for her, I really don't. I just want to move on and I want her to be happy with the life she has chosen. I feel like a bad guy now. I never expected to see her, I think she must have searched me out as she never goes into this part of town, but knows that I go here quite a bit for lunch. I am sitting here today thinking of everything and I have more questions then answers. Why would she do this ? Does she really regret anything ? What does she really want from me ?

I don't expect answers, as there probably aren't any. I am completely screwed today. Last night I put it out of my head and it never really sunk in. This morning it hit me hard and I have been sitting here for 2 hours thinking about it. I know I did the right things, but why do I feel so bad about it ? She will not contact me again, I am sure about that. I know that is the best for me, but I am not happy about it right now. This has set me back. Why does she do it to me ? She is living with another guy!!! why even bother me, just to hurt me more ? She is really selfish and doesn't seem to care who she hurts. I ned some wise words folks, I really do. Just when I thought this soap opera was over, it is opened up all over again. There are 5 million people where I live and the one person I never wanted to see, walks in and sits down. Tell me I did the right thing and that I'm not an a**hole. I wanted to hug her, but I knew I would break down if I did. I don't know what else to say, I'm done. I know alot of you would love to have had this opportunity, but trust me, it really hurts and does no good for me. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. I hope I bounce back from this. I feel like I did 4 months ago.

July 22, 2008

I wasn't going to say anything about this when it happened yesterday, but I felt so bad this morning that I decided to tell my friends on here and get some advice and encouragement. I really need it today folks.

July 22, 2008

Man – that sounds really hard.

You sound like you did good though – so well done there, for holding it together..

Perhaps she genuinely has regrets. You’ve told her your thoughts on this however.

The grass truly isn’t greener on the other side. She has been on the other side and realized what she has lost.

The question is mate…

Do you want her back?

Can you forgive what she has done to you?

Don’t let your ego or pride get in your way. Follow your heart.

This could really be the most important decision you ever have to make.

July 22, 2008

Hi everyone, as most of you know, I have been getting through this crap and trying to put the past behind me. It has been a couple of weeks I think since she emailed and called and I replied telling her it was done, and not to contact me again. I really thought that would do it and she would continue on her way and I would go my way. WRONG!!! She showed up and sat down while I was in a coffee shop having lunch yesterday. I was sitting there eating and she came up from behind me and quickly sat down and stared at me. To say I was shocked would be the biggest understatement in history!!! I sat there for a minute, unable to muster any thing except- why are you doing this to me ?

She looked at me and with her eyes tearing up she said that she really missed me and needed to see me and talk to me. She said that she was not happy now and that she missed what we had. I continued to try and look calm and eat my sandwich, all the while trying not to break down myself. ( why the f**k do I still feel like crying every time I see her, it makes me so mad ) She continued by starting to tell me how her new guy is not who she thought he was and she thinks she made a big mistake with him. At this point I look up and say- do not mention him to me again, I never want to hear another word about your life with him.

She starts to really cry now and I am holding back tears myself. All of a sudden I just get mad and I feel like screaming at her. I decide to lay it on the line and tell her once and for all where I am at. With a semi-calm voice I tell her that she made the decision to cheat, she made the decision to dump me and she made the decision to move in with him. She now has to live with those decisions because whatever we had is in the past and can never be again. I told her I will always care about her but we are done. I do not want her anymore and she has to accept that I am gone for good. I could have worked on things with her if not for the cheating, but to me that is a deal breaker and one thing we can not recover from. She is trying to butt in during this speech and I tell her to be quiet while I finish. I continued by saying that this has been the hardest thing I have been through in my life and I have no intentions of going through it again. I said that we have both changed during these last 4 months and I for one am happy that I found out who you really were before we got married or bought a house together.

She sat there and just stared at me for a minute and than said that she is so sorry for hurting me and that she knows she made a big mistake. She asked if I thought we could be friends down the road and I said no, I don't think I can do that. She got up, still crying and tried to lean over and hug me. I pulled back and she looked at me again and walked away.

This whole thing seemed like it took an hour but it actually only took about 10 minutes. She left the coffee shop and had to walk right by the window where I was sitting. She was still crying and had her hand over her mouth. At that moment, I wanted to run after her and hold her so much, I cannot tell you. I sat there for a minute and replayed every word in my head. I started to cry and felt so f**king terrible I cannot put it into words. It is so hard to end something with someone you still love!!!! I know deep in my heart that she would do this again and I would be destroyed again but a small part of me wants her.

This may sound funny coming from someone who has been screwed over so badly, but I felt bad for her. She looked terrible today and she looked scared and unsure. I do not wish anything bad for her, I really don't. I just want to move on and I want her to be happy with the life she has chosen. I feel like a bad guy now. I never expected to see her, I think she must have searched me out as she never goes into this part of town, but knows that I go here quite a bit for lunch. I am sitting here today thinking of everything and I have more questions then answers. Why would she do this ? Does she really regret anything ? What does she really want from me ?

I don't expect answers, as there probably aren't any. I am completely screwed today. Last night I put it out of my head and it never really sunk in. This morning it hit me hard and I have been sitting here for 2 hours thinking about it. I know I did the right things, but why do I feel so bad about it ? She will not contact me again, I am sure about that. I know that is the best for me, but I am not happy about it right now. This has set me back. Why does she do it to me ? She is living with another guy!!! why even bother me, just to hurt me more ? She is really selfish and doesn't seem to care who she hurts. I ned some wise words folks, I really do. Just when I thought this soap opera was over, it is opened up all over again. There are 5 million people where I live and the one person I never wanted to see, walks in and sits down. Tell me I did the right thing and that I'm not an a**hole. I wanted to hug her, but I knew I would break down if I did. I don't know what else to say, I'm done. I know alot of you would love to have had this opportunity, but trust me, it really hurts and does no good for me. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. I hope I bounce back from this. I feel like I did 4 months ago.

That is some crazy stuff man. Sounds like you handled it perfectly - even if you were going crazy inside.

Ofcourse you did the right thing. You feel bad because a thousand emotions and thoughts are running through your end and seeing her in person amplifies that. You feeel bad because it really is the final closure you needed and now she understands that and will hopefully never bother you again. You will feel better shortly, after the shock wears off.

i'm not sure what I'd do if I ran into my ex right now, probably come close to crying as well.

July 22, 2008

You handled that so very well. And I get the feeling that you were very true to your feelings. Sounds like you have made tremendous progress! You should be very proud of yourself.

July 22, 2008

Oh my gosh, Fox, I don't really know what to say except you handled yourself with self-respect and dignity and you were most definitely NOT an *******! She made her bed and you were wise to point that out to her. Had you caved, she would know that she could walk all over you all over again.

That being said, I am not as convinced as you that you will never hear from her again. Didn't you say that a week or two ago after your email exchange?

I am so sorry for the emotional turmoil you are going through. It feels like a setback, but I suspect you will recover from it more quickly than you expect.

July 22, 2008

fox, I know exactly what you're feeling. Something similar happened with my ex-H. He cried as well during a last ditch to try to get me back.

You're accustomed to being the fixer, the person who makes it "right" for the relationship, more times than not, at your own expense. This is why you hurt. You've hurt someone you still love.

You've done the right thing. Like myself, we both knew deep inside that they would cheat again. Selfish people always put themselves first. It's time you took back instead of always being the one to give.

July 22, 2008

Man alive. Fox I don't know how you got through that. I really don't. I've been here on and off over the last few months were you and I and a few others have been dealing with this shyte of how our exes dealt us a raw deal. She hasn't (and has no right) to see what this did to you. She, the person you loved and cared for, inflicted these unwanted feelings upon you. SHE. DID. THIS. Not you. You've simply dealt with it in the best way you could over the months. Some moments have been pretty bad (jeez haven't they for us all) and some moments have been okay... and other moments have been crystal clear. Like yesterday. You're right, you know inside you that the person she was to you, simply doesn't exist anymore, that bond is broken, that trust is gone now. You know this. I know it hurts to see someone you care about hurting and to be the perpetrator of that hurt. But let's face it, she had choices way up the line... she made her choices, now she has to deal with them, just as you have. As hard as that is, it's a fact of life.

July 22, 2008

Man – that sounds really hard.
You sound like you did good though – so well done there, for holding it together..

Perhaps she genuinely has regrets. You’ve told her your thoughts on this however.
The grass truly isn’t greener on the other side. She has been on the other side and realized what she has lost.

The question is mate…

Do you want her back?
Can you forgive what she has done to you?
Don’t let your ego or pride get in your way. Follow your heart.
This could really be the most important decision you ever have to make.

To answer your questions-

1. NO

2. NO

3.My heart tells me it is over.

4. It is the hardest thing I have ever done.

July 22, 2008

Tell me I did the right thing

(((hugs))) You did do the right thing...in a very honest, considerate and courageous way!

I'm reading that you overcame a need for "instant gratification" (to hug her) by staying fully focused on your long-term best interests -- that is HUGE! No more wisdom needed than what you clearly demonstrated you already have

July 22, 2008

Thanks so much for the kind words folks. I really appreciate it. I don't know what I would do without you. I really mean that.It felt good to type this out today and kind of put it in perspective. I feel terrible, but I think I will bounce back pretty quick. I stayed home today, so I think I will just sit here and cry and watch a couple of movies. Time to dig out Swingers again and watch it for the 300th time.

July 22, 2008

(((hugs))) You did do the right thing...in a very honest, considerate and courageous way!

I'm reading that you overcame a need for "instant gratification" (to hug her) by staying fully focused on your long-term best interests -- that is HUGE! No more wisdom needed than what you clearly demonstrated you already have

I wanted to hug her and never let go, but I knew I couldn't do it. I physically ache today just thinking about all of this. I feel such deep pain, I cannot think of anything else. Thanks for the kind words. I think when this fog clears, I will really be happy with what happened.

July 22, 2008

I wanted to hug her and never let go, but I knew I couldn't do it. I physically ache today just thinking about all of this. I feel such deep pain, I cannot think of anything else. Thanks for the kind words. I think when this fog clears, I will really be happy with what happened.

Fox, I think you're right about that. Plus, looking back over the last few months, the 'why' and the 'how could she' issues are kinda answered now too. It's a form of closure for you. I suspect that on a deeper level, even though you're upset that you had to turn away from her (for exactly the right reason) you're also vindicated that you were right and she had made the wrong choice by betraying your relationship. On a very deep level, that says that your love and what you felt had not been misplaced by you and you had nothing to reproach yourself for. I think once I reached this turning point for me, it was a whole lot easier going forward. It's painful for you of course it is. But part of the way forward for you now is that you have to understand that you cannot help her with her pain. You cannot heal the hurt she has caused herself. You cannot assuage her guilt. Only she can do that. For you, be very clear... the person you loved, who gave you everything, is not the person who was able to hurt you so badly. I think if you can keep that at the forefront of your mind, it actually does make things so much easier.

July 22, 2008

Fox, I think you're right about that. Plus, looking back over the last few months, the 'why' and the 'how could she' issues are kinda answered now too. It's a form of closure for you. I suspect that on a deeper level, even though you're upset that you had to turn away from her (for exactly the right reason) you're also vindicated that you were right and she had made the wrong choice by betraying your relationship. On a very deep level, that says that your love and what you felt had not been misplaced by you and you had nothing to reproach yourself for. I think once I reached this turning point for me, it was a whole lot easier going forward. It's painful for you of course it is. But part of the way forward for you now is that you have to understand that you cannot help her with her pain. You cannot heal the hurt she has caused herself. You cannot assuage her guilt. Only she can do that. For you, be very clear... the person you loved, who gave you everything, is not the person who was able to hurt you so badly. I think if you can keep that at the forefront of your mind, it actually does make things so much easier.

Thanks alot Chinook, your words hit deep and true. I think with time, I will feel good about this, but right now not so much.

July 22, 2008

sorry dude to hear you had to go through that BS. But all the drama is BS. Life can be so complicated....but all you can do is keep on moving forward with your life and chalk this up to a learning experience.

Several of years down the road...you will look back at your relationship with fondness after you forgive your ex and yourself.

July 22, 2008

Thanks alot Chinook, your words hit deep and true. I think with time, I will feel good about this, but right now not so much.

I know hon. But as serendip says in the next post, the next step to healing is forgiving and I think you may reach that pretty quickly now. Once you get to that place, there's very little reason to grieve any longer and a place of indifference comes soon enough. For me, I myself looked today at photos which were taken of me and the ex last year for a race we did. It was kinda poignant for me because on the surface we looked happy, but looking at the body language, we're standing far apart, the smiles are forced and it's clear things were sliding already. He did what he did, for his own selfish reasons and it hurt me (he cheated too).

But now, it doesn't matter any more - and when I look back, I prefer to recall the happy times where we laughed and played around. I'm thankful he was in my life, he taught me alot about myself and about people in general. He also taught me alot about my heart and it was capable of feeling so deeply again. That's something I will never hate him for and will always remember. That was his gift to me and I took it willingly and keep it even now.

July 22, 2008

WOW!!!! You are a strong mofo!!! I do not know if I could have done what you did, but I appreciate your hard ass demeanor. You are my hero for the day Fox!! Man, I know you was hurting like a beaten dog too..

GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!

July 22, 2008

Fox, you did amazing. You really, really did. It is hard, because you have a big heart and don't feel good about seeing somebody be sad. You proved, once again, that you are above your ex. It is sad to see somebody we once loved knowing that they will never be in our lives again.

You are very strong, and handled this with dignity and honesty. Be proud of yourself.

July 22, 2008

WOW!!!! You are a strong mofo!!! I do not know if I could have done what you did, but I appreciate your hard ass demeanor. You are my hero for the day Fox!! Man, I know you was hurting like a beaten dog too..

GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!

It f**king hurt alot but I promised myself I would never let her see me cry again. I don't know how I stopped myself from crying but I did.

July 22, 2008

Fox, you did amazing. You really, really did. It is hard, because you have a big heart and don't feel good about seeing somebody be sad. You proved, once again, that you are above your ex. It is sad to see somebody we once loved knowing that they will never be in our lives again.

You are very strong, and handled this with dignity and honesty. Be proud of yourself.

Thanks NM, I am not proud yet, but maybe down the road a bit when I feel better. The way I look at it is that it had to be done and I did what I had to do. It is better for me and her that she knows I won't take her back.

July 22, 2008

It f**king hurt alot but I promised myself I would never let her see me cry again. I don't know how I stopped myself from crying but I did.

Like I told Northstar in a PM, I would have squalled like a little bitch.... I am soft hearted and that would have destroyed me!! Hang tough if you truky desire her out. You are tougher than I and man you held out like a freaking champ dude!!!

July 22, 2008

I wanted to hug her and never let go, but I knew I couldn't do it. I physically ache today just thinking about all of this.

I last saw my ex in March and that evening when I we said our goodbyes I made up my mind that I would never contact him or see him again. The pain I felt as we turned around and went our separate ways was sharp like someone had stuck a knife straight through my heart. For a fleeting moment, I wanted to turn around, run after him, give him a big hug, say I was sorry and never let go. But I held my head up and kept walking. In fact I have kept walking to this day.

Keep walking. Hold your head up high. She can no longer take away your dignity.

July 22, 2008

I last saw my ex in March and that evening when I we said our goodbyes I made up my mind that I would never contact him or see him again. The pain I felt as we turned around and went our separate ways was sharp like someone had stuck a knife straight through my heart. For a fleeting moment, I wanted to turn around, run after him, give him a big hug, say I was sorry and never let go. But I held my head up and kept walking. In fact I have kept walking to this day.

Keep walking. Hold your head up high. She can no longer take away your dignity.

Thanks I & T, you are right. I wanted to hug her but I know it would hurt more than help.

July 22, 2008

Your story actually made me tear up. I've been following your threads and I think you did the right thing but it's still sad for the both of you. I know she cheated but it seems like she really believes she made a mistake. That must have been really hard not to go after her. You are a very strong, caring man. I wish you the best!

July 22, 2008

Thanks so much for the kind words folks. I really appreciate it. I don't know what I would do without you. I really mean that.It felt good to type this out today and kind of put it in perspective. I feel terrible, but I think I will bounce back pretty quick. I stayed home today, so I think I will just sit here and cry and watch a couple of movies. Time to dig out Swingers again and watch it for the 300th time.

Swingers can be a great movie, because it hows myou how to act and not to act after a breakup. dont feel bad,i'msure seeing her just open a scab that youre trying to heal, she just felt guilty,why should you? you did great

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