hades07 Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Awhile ago I posted in the Break-up section of this website about a break-up that happened to me a little over a month ago but now the new girl I'm trying to date is quite interested in me and likes me alot BUT once a day now for the last few days she'll say she can't be with me because she believes I still have feelings for my ex. I still do care for her and miss her because I spent 3 yrs with her and we never had a bad break-up I have zero intentions of getting back with her, especially since this new girl is very sweet, kind, romantic, and happens to be a model for abercrombie and finch and has appeared in maxim canada. The only problem I guess with this new girl is that where she is quite beautiful she has alot of crazy guys after her and where she's falling for me she's really afraid I'm going to do something to hurt her or turn out being crazy too. I'm starting to get tired of spending half the time talking to her trying to reassure her we have something great and just wish we could enjoy our time together. Any suggestions?
Lucky555 Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Are you still in contact with your ex? Never mention your ex! NEVER. If she asks, just say its over now and thats what matters and i am way happier than ever now. You have implanted something in her head and now shes scared as hell. this happened to me. However, I was right about him not being over his ex. It was my worst nightmare and it came true. Hurt like hell but i am better off with out him. You have to do major damage control. I MEAN MAJOR! Its hard for me to give you advise because it brings back memories but i say be yourself and never mention your ex or exs!
Chinook Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 I think the above poster might have it on the nail. The bottom line is that your breakup from a significant relationship is a month ago... which is hardly any time at all. Your brain is probably still playing catch up with processing that. In addition to all that, you just dumped a whole load of the love-drug "dopamine" into your system which makes you want this new girl and heightens your feelings for her ... meanwhile distracting you from dealing with the other stuff about your previous relationship ending. Quite frankly, it's probably a little too soon and maybe she knows she's going to turn out to be rebound-girl when your thoughts and feelings settle down some. If you google "rebound" you'll see that whilst the role played by that person is intensely important in probably helping someone to heal (just done it myself) it is also very hard for the person concerned because they invest in you big time and come out with very little in the end. The only way you can be sure it isn't rebound is to wind back a little, take things more slowly, reassure her as much as she and you need to and meanwhile deal with your internal stuff about missing your ex.
Author hades07 Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 Thanks for the advice and to add a little bit more info to the whole situation I agree I shouldnt have said anything about my ex, she noticed I was a bit weird about seeing my ex with someone for the first time and this is why she is weirded out. We have yet to do anything more than cuddling and light kissing and we both agreed with her past that we would take it slow. As of tomorrow I'm visiting my family for two weeks and we're going to keep in contact and if we still feel the way then that we do now, she wants me to spend a night with her at her new apartment. Come that time two months will have passed, do you think that is enough time after getting out of a 3 year relationship?
Lucky555 Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 after a three year relationship...woah hold up. You need to slow down with this great new girl. TELL this new girl that you want to get the time to know her and ask her about what her ambitions are, what she likes to do, where she wants to go...now u have to do damage control so your going to have to make it all about her. Its not fair that you have lingering feelings for your ex because your weird when you see the ex with another guy. If you feel you need time to get over your ex then take the time out to do that without the new girl. If this new girl senses your not totally all about her shes going to run the other way, straight into another mans arms. Believe me if shes attractive as you say she is and great too...she will have no problem moving on. If you want to keep her it has to be about her at least for a month and half. LOTS OF BONDING, TALKING, but not obsessively keep it to when ever you see eachother. Do express that you can't wait to see her. Seriously you have already indicated a huge red flag for the girl thats like a lot to deal with. "we girls want to be the only one you get upset over or care about" Not some other dude with your ex! IF you want to sleep with her wait it out till she says your a great guy and i want to sleep with you so to speak. If she feels like your not pressuring her or anything she will think your a great guy and you have substance...meaning you are worthy and a great catch yourself! SLOW IT DOWN...Savor the feelings and let it grow! You need to know what makes this woman tick..what she likes, what she wants, and where she sees herself. its the heart of woman..we use our minds a lot! lol However, having your own standards and not let her run over you is another area...stand your ground and see if you reach a compromise on issues that may arise. hope this helps
Author hades07 Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 Yeah that actually helps alot Lucky555 and the last thing I'm trying to do is rush things with this girl. I already told her since I'm not long out of a relationship myself and she has had her problems with previous boyfriends that I am willing to take it as slow as she wants. Me taking two weeks away from the city, my ex-gf, our mutual friends, and other girls I have hung out with or seen since the break-up will be a help to our growing relationship because she will be the one and only girl I will be in contact with while I am away, not my ex or anyone else. We are hoping that this will help alot towards us growing closer emotionally without having the relationship based primarially on our physical attraction and sexual contact and get to know each other better while I am away.
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