tommyr Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 You can count me in the Happily Married column. In 12 years of marriage, the past year has been our best yet - better even than our dating years. Partial credit for that is due to several of you guys/gals here on loveshack. To make a long story short (search my userid for the long version) after having kids, our marriage had some major "intimacy" issues that reached a boiling point a couple years ago. But after getting some outside help and ALOT of hard work, I have re-discovered the girl I fell in love with many years ago, and our relationship is now stronger than ever.
ohmy3 Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 you know i really liek this post (kinda new twist on things) , i myself have been married (1st) for 13 yr soon 14, married when i was 20 (we meet as a blind date) when i was 19 an yes i will say for the most part we are happy, however yes it does take work and strong mind to keep both parties close, sure we have up-downs and fighting but we get over it and move closer to one another after some big blow out, we had our 2 kids young ( well me 1 @ 21 and 23) it was very ,very diffcult on our marriage we had a short time together and alot of times i do miss that, however kids are now 11 and 13 so we have been able to reclaim sometime alone 2 gether and when we do it is great...........
quankanne Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 But after getting some outside help and ALOT of hard work, I have re-discovered the girl I fell in love with many years ago, and our relationship is now stronger than ever. that's FANTASTIC, tommy! I wish more people would approach these things as fixable situations, rather than flip out because of change they're not happy about ...
Lauriebell82 Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 I used to believe this, too. Especially growing up with parents who loved each other and living in a warm, happy home. It all seemed so simple. But I really missed the boat when it came to choosing. I can assure you that love is not always enough. You can love each other with all your heart but if one or both cannot show respect or understand boundaries, the relationship will crash and burn. This is not always about communication, either. You can communicate about how their behavior makes you feel until the cows come home, and still get no results. True respect would motivate a person to discontinue behavior that is hurting or adversely affecting the one they 'love'. A lot of people just don't understand this basic concept. Yeah I like the last part of what you just said. That is a good way of putting it instead of looking at it in a very negative way. I had a conversation with my best friend yesterday and she said that her husband and her fight all the time (this happened when they were dating and engaged as well). But they are still happily married. She said that they dont dwell on the fight they just deal with it and move on. I guess I just don't understand WHY they still fight if they try to deal what they were arguing about. They acknowledge that they have issues they argue about, but don't really try to work on what BEHAVIOR is effectively them both. They have been married for a year now, and they seem to be so much in love and how happy they are dispite the fights. I don't get that.
orangesean Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 Haha, I'm glad I found this thread, this is the most positive thread I have ever seen on Loveshack. I've been reading this book on happy marriages and it consists of a study of 50 couples who claim to be happily married over a length of time: http://www.amazon.com/Good-Marriage-How-Love-Lasts/dp/0446672483 It's pretty good, a lot more scientific and categorizes and finds trends between happy marriages. It attributes the breaking down of marriage and the large amount of divorce to how demanding careers are these days, the loss of stigma of divorce (as someone said), the culture we have developed where we must have what we want now with no patience, and that women have made their way up the ladder in the workplace through civil rights issues and such. None of these are especially bad but if they aren't put into check with a marriage and given patience and care then it won't work, according to the book. Seems like a no brainer but I guess it's really not for most US citizens. The book does have some trends between all 50 marriages. One is that they all put the marriage first over their careers, as in they cut back on working if it's harming the relationship, or switch jobs to help the relationship (Sometimes don't switch jobs too). All couples also do not physically hurt eachother. And the odd thing is every couple was satisfied with their sex life. The book says a healthy sex life between a married couple is intensely important to help sustain happiness. It's a pretty cool book. It isn't just centered on new marriages. She interviews people who have been together 50 years to people who have only been together 10. Some wives are homemakers some are the breadwinners. But as for me, I really don't know of many happy marriages. I can count two where the people are truly happy. My girlfriend's parents have been together for 26 years and still go on vacations together and still do romantic stuff. My friend's Aunt and Uncle have been together for 18 years and they make me think of high school kids in love in the way they are so vigorous. They don't have any kids though. I asked his aunt how they make it work and she says you just have to make sure you marry your best friend. Sounds good to me I think. My parents have been together 30 years, but they are a bad example. My dad ignores my mom or is just grumpy all day, and my mom is an alcoholic and sleeps in a different bed now. She may be cheating on my dad with a neighbor. Neither of them put in any effort but just stay together to be comfortable. I seriously don't know of any time at all growing up where they have shown much affection for eachother or let on that they cared about eachother's feelings. They've always lived in the same house but have never really even sat close to eachother or been in the same room half the time. I don't know what to think about all of that and I really don't care anymore since I've moved out 3 years ago.
Author Angel1111 Posted July 24, 2008 Author Posted July 24, 2008 It attributes the breaking down of marriage and the large amount of divorce to how demanding careers are these days, the loss of stigma of divorce (as someone said), the culture we have developed where we must have what we want now with no patience, and that women have made their way up the ladder in the workplace through civil rights issues and such. In many ways, those are good things. It means that people are no longer crucified for getting out of a bad marriage, the children aren't 'marked', and that women can survive on their own if they need to, the same as men can. I think people have a hard time distinguishing the difference between a marriage that is merely going through a bad time, and one that is completely unsalvagable.
orangesean Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 I think people have a hard time distinguishing the difference between a marriage that is merely going through a bad time, and one that is completely unsalvagable. Yeah I definitely agree. Add that to just about everytime you ask someone advice about your relationship, most people will just tell you to dump them or get rid of them it seems. A lot of people on Loveshack do it too, sometimes without even hearing all the details of the story.
Enema Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 My marriage fits your description. (at least I think so!). We've only been married for about 5 months though. Together 5 years. We both knew what we wanted before getting married, both in our personal and professional lives. We knew what we expected of the other person and we had compatible beliefs & ideals. We also co-habitated and have both been in around 5 previous relationships.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 And the odd thing is every couple was satisfied with their sex life. The book says a healthy sex life between a married couple is intensely important to help sustain happiness. No offense, but it strikes you as odd that there is a correlation between sexual satisfaction and marital happiness :confused: ? It gets re-emphasized here on LS every day. And many of the "sexless marriage" threads say that even though many other apects of the poster's marriages are good, the lack of intimacy is enough for them to question whether they even want to be in the relationship anymore... Mr. Lucky
orangesean Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 No offense, but it strikes you as odd that there is a correlation between sexual satisfaction and marital happiness :confused: Maybe the study just happened upon 50 marriages that were happy and all had a good sex life, or maybe it's truly important. Certainly lack of intimacy would be a problem for me, but I guess others feel they can sustain. But then again for how long?
trubella Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 It gets re-emphasized here on LS every day. And many of the "sexless marriage" threads say that even though many other apects of the poster's marriages are good, the lack of intimacy is enough for them to question whether they even want to be in the relationship anymore... wouldnt blame them...i feel bad for folks in sexless marriages, some people will say its not important but i think that has to be one of the top 3 important things i need to function in a relationship.. commitment, communication and cunninglingus... often
Author Angel1111 Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 No offense, but it strikes you as odd that there is a correlation between sexual satisfaction and marital happiness :confused: ? It gets re-emphasized here on LS every day. And many of the "sexless marriage" threads say that even though many other apects of the poster's marriages are good, the lack of intimacy is enough for them to question whether they even want to be in the relationship anymore... Mr. Lucky Right. There's nothing odd about it. Typically, sex is an indicator of the level of closeness and connectedness that two people have in their relationship. I've heard it said that 90% of sex is mental, 10% is physical - meaning that what goes on inside our heads affects our sex drive more than our physical bodies do.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 I've heard it said that 90% of sex is mental, 10% is physical - And to paraphrase Yogi Berra, the remaining 10% is happenstance.... Mr. Lucky
elaina Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 I know married couples (young and old) who are happy, and yeah there are many who aren't, or whose happiness is like a roller coaster. Some things that seem to me about the happy marriages is that they accept each other and don't try to change each other. They also care about what the other person needs. Marriage does take a lot of work and commitment, but then again so does anything you want to be "good" or successful at, quality isn't an accident. Peace
Tony T Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 I think people have a hard time distinguishing the difference between a marriage that is merely going through a bad time, and one that is completely unsalvagable. I would not tolerate disrespect or discourtesy even on a temporary basis. If someone decides they are going to "temporarily" be mean to me they can be out the door. If they have a problem with me they want to work out in a civil manner, that's different. Too many people take their partner for granted and think they can be nasty to them and push them around when they're in a bad mood and that may work for some people. It terrifies women when I tell them I won't put up with that stuff...even temporarily (an intermittent expression of anger excepted, of course.) Do people feel incapable of being consistently decent?
Author Angel1111 Posted July 26, 2008 Author Posted July 26, 2008 I would not tolerate disrespect or discourtesy even on a temporary basis. If someone decides they are going to "temporarily" be mean to me they can be out the door. If they have a problem with me they want to work out in a civil manner, that's different. Too many people take their partner for granted and think they can be nasty to them and push them around when they're in a bad mood and that may work for some people. It terrifies women when I tell them I won't put up with that stuff...even temporarily (an intermittent expression of anger excepted, of course.) Do people feel incapable of being consistently decent? In my experience, yes, a lot of people feel incapable of being consistently decent. And, worse, they don't see the need for it. It's almost like it's impossible for them to control their own behavior. I'm with you, I totally do not understand disrespect at all - particularly with the person you live with and plan to spend your life with. Good for you for having strong boundaries. Once I made the decision that I would never tolerate that stuff again, it stopped showing up in my life. I'd rather live alone in a cave on Mars than be with someone like that ever again.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 Some things that seem to me about the happy marriages is that they accept each other and don't try to change each other. They also care about what the other person needs. Marriage does take a lot of work and commitment, but then again so does anything you want to be "good" or successful at, quality isn't an accident. Honestly, I think that most happy and successful marriages are due mostly to the efforts of one of the two people involved. In any relationship, one person is usually the "giver" whose role is to facilitate harmony and minimize the damage inflicted by forces both internal and external. So I think that many marriages are "happy" just because one person is really good at that role... Mr. Lucky BTW - I'm the slacker in my marriage .
mental_traveller Posted July 27, 2008 Posted July 27, 2008 Yeah I know some - 30/40+ years, no cheating (that I am aware of). However they are the minority, for sure.
silktricks Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 Yeah I know some - 30/40+ years, no cheating (that I am aware of). However they are the minority, for sure. I don't think zero cheating automatically translates into happy marriage. Nor do I think the converse is true. I don't believe either of my parents cheated on the other - and though I think my mother was perfectly happy most of the time, my father was completely and utterly UNhappy most of that same time. I wish he had divorced her and found someone who treated him the way he deserved. My husband did cheat on me, yet now that we've worked out our problems we have a happy marriage again.
Touche Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 Honestly, I think that most happy and successful marriages are due mostly to the efforts of one of the two people involved. In any relationship, one person is usually the "giver" whose role is to facilitate harmony and minimize the damage inflicted by forces both internal and external. So I think that many marriages are "happy" just because one person is really good at that role... Mr. Lucky BTW - I'm the slacker in my marriage . I couldn't disagree more with that. I mean if it's workin' for ya, great but that's not been my experience at all. What happens is that the "giver" ends up getting very resentful about that. That's when bad things happen. I've always said that a good relationship shouldn't be so much "work." If it is, then it isn't all that good. Sounds like the "giver" in this instance is doing all the work. Just something to think about but like I said if it works for you , great. I just hope that works for your wife as well.
orangesean Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 I've always said that a good relationship shouldn't be so much "work." If it is, then it isn't all that good. Sounds like the "giver" in this instance is doing all the work. I think that's pretty relative to how much work you are used to. The way I figure is a good marriage or family is like another full-time job. But you have to love doing that job, even though it's rough sometimes. I guess it works just like a regular career. But then again, a bad relationship requires tons of work to fix, but also leads to even more work when it falls apart, but I guess what I'm saying is that really there is no relationship that requires little to no work.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 I've always said that a good relationship shouldn't be so much "work." If it is, then it isn't all that good. Sounds like the "giver" in this instance is doing all the work. I can see where you might make that assumption . My wife and I are very different people, maybe not a good match in some people's eyes. She is simply one of those people with an extraordinary sense of the dynamics of human interactions and relationships. You could drop her by parachute into Tehran and she would make 3 friends before lunch. She seems to always know the right thing to say and do. I don't have that gift and my shortcomings at times extend to our relationship. I'll agree with you that I probably have the better end of the deal ... Mr. Lucky
sb129 Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 I really think that couples would benefit greatly if they had some kind of pre-marital heads up, counseling or something, that gives some basic instruction on effective communication and mutual respect and cherishing, etc. Something that focuses on the benefits of marriage instead of the "sacrifice"...and how to overcome the obstacles that are typical to any marriage. I am not sure how this could get implemented though...I think most people are too starry-eyed when they get married to think that they need it and it doesn't seem right to require it...but it certainly should be available, and if it is, it is poorly marketed... I agree with this- I know a few couples who did it before they got married (its compulsory if you want to get married in a Catholic Church) and they all said it was a great thing to do. Those couples are still together after 5+ years of marriage and are happy. My fiance and I got the list of questions of one of them and have been discussing them- its been great to talk about potentially problematic issues. My parents have had their ups and downs but are still happily married after 32 years. I know lots of couples who are still together and relatively happy (not in the perfect, starry eyed sense, but in the we still love eachother and want to be together no matter what life has thrown at us).
RecordProducer Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 Do any of you actually know of any truly happily married people? Kinda discouraging when you think about it.Kinda discouraging? Kinda pointless! Been there twice; I will never put a man as my priority again. The marriages that seem t work are the ones where the woman wears the pants. I know only one marriage in which both partners are actually happy. But, she and he married when they were 48 and 58, respectively. He had never been married before. I'm including a few same-gender couples as marriages, even tho they can't legally get the paper. You really shouldn't be including gay marriags. The whole point is that a man and a woman can't get along, not two people of the same sex.
RecordProducer Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 Something that focuses on the benefits of marriage instead of the "sacrifice"... Hahah! Most of the benefits in marriage are based precisely on the other partner's sacrifice. You know what was my best marriage of all? The one with my mother: she took care of me and my kids, cooked, cleaned, baby-sat... and how to overcome the obstacles that are typical to any marriage.No obstacles are typical for any marriage, because people don't recognize the underlying issues: selfishness, vanity/ego, (passive) aggressiveness, insecurity - in my opinion the four human traits that destroy relationships. People should talk about the generic problem in the marriage, but they talk about obstacles, such as laundry or money or whatever. The problem is, people can't escape from their instinctive feelings. There is no cure for insecurity for a grown person. And even if you take care of all the obstacles, they will surface sooner or later. Happiness should not be the reason people marry. I look at marriage as a functional economic unit to raise kids--nothing more, nothing less. If you find happiness, that's a fortuitous by-product, and you should be overjoyed. As a happily divorced guy, being single is my favorite place.I love this extreme and simplified viewpoint. I totally agree. There is no reason to solve problems that you wouldn't have had if you weren't married, unless you want to raise kids in a two-parent community and join your labor. longevity of a marriage doesn't necessarily equal happiness. I agree. I think many young people see time as a criterion because nowadays, it could apply. But people who got married 30+ years ago didn't necessarily stay together because they were happy. I would not tolerate disrespect or discourtesy even on a temporary basis. Get married and you'll learn to tolerate it and express it. Apparently, you've never been married. I want to add two things: 1. Many people look happy for an audience, but that doesn't indicate their true feelings. I am not saying they are necessarily pretending in front of others; I think many of us were utterly dishonest with ourselves about the true state of our happiness at certain times. 2. Happiness is subjective; I know a woman who is probably very happy in her marriage because she keeps popping out one baby after another (precisely 6). I can't imagine myself being in her shoes. She is an amazingly beautiful young British woman, married to a Greek guy. But I've seen her helping around on kids' parties when pregnant 8 months. My point: of course her marriage has a big chance to succeed when she LOVES to take care of others! You want a successful marriage? Be an old-fashioned woman and take good care of your husband and don't complain about anything (yuck, right? ) If you are a man, be a modern guy and let your wife do whatever she wants (except cheat), do half the chores, be super-romantic, and let her spend as much as sh wants (no way, right?)
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