Depressed Sister is Moving to Our Town

[Ocean-Blue]

JB, I agree with much of what Shadow has said. If your father has "NEVER" liked your sister, how do you think that makes your sister feel? Growing up knowing she's the screwup can't have been fun for her.

 

Maybe I'm an optimist, but I can't understand how one can let go of family like this. Don't give up on her, JB! She needs you. You are her family.

 

Maybe this is the time for healing? Perhaps this is a good thing.

[Jilly Bean]

I read your original thread about your sister. I can see why you are so stressed! She just takes no responsibility for herself. And why is the boyfriend moving with her, only to dump her? That makes no sense and will certainly cause more disruption once it happens.

 

Is your mother in denial as to the severity of sister's depression?

 

I think you are worried about your relationship with your parents being disrupted. Have you told them your concerns?

 

Thank you, CB!

 

She takes NO responsibility. My folks gave her a car recently, as hers was dead and she was too broke to buy a new one. She's 45 years old! Just horrible...

 

The BF is afraid if he dumps her now, then she will do something rash before he leaves. He moves out here in two weeks.

 

My Mom is totally in denial. Thing is, after sis has been here, my Mom is all over her, and tells me how happy she is she went home. But, she seems to have a short memory, until sis is in front of her again.

 

Honestly, we went through a VERY rough patch with my Dad recently, thought the end was imminent, and both my Mom and I reached out to her. It was a low point, and now we all are retracting the invite.

 

I have told my folks of my worries. Dad said they plan to NOT see her that often, nor do they plan to discuss her life with her. Which seems inane to me. I also told them I was stressed about the disruption and intrusion to our lives. I just know in my heart that she will provide NO value.

 

Thing is, my folks are old. And Dad is dying. They just don't want the drama, and also aren't going to war with her at this point, even though I know they don't want her here either.

[Jilly Bean]

Nothing's ever one-sided. From what you've described here both sides have played a role. It sounds like your sister has a lot of anger towards your parents because she felt like she was unfairly demonized or rejected as a child (at least by your father).

 

Now she chooses to express that anger in destructive ways by acting out and being emotionally manipulative.

 

Spot on there, Shadow.

 

In my opinion, past the age of 18, you have to take ownership of your own issues and problems and STOP blaming your parents for your crappy childhood. THAT is what annoys me. That she is still making them pay for her inability to get her act together, and still torturing them for coming up short as parents.

 

Hey - I had a LOT of issues with my folks, too. Thing is, I got to a point of accepting them for who they are, and knowing I can't go back to redo my childhood. She just refuses to let go of it all...

[Jilly Bean]

Then your mom has to tell her and not hint.

 

Bottomline - If your mom is in denial about your sister's depression - This will continue to be a problem. Your sister will ALWAYS suffer from this disease and chances are, she has had this for a long time, possibly since childhood (which could explain her behaviour, and fact that she wasn't treated way back when) and this is her life.

 

I'm sure your sister is bloody miserable and hates herself. But, she cannot help herself either, this is what she knows - And is comfortable with. Yes it sucks to have to deal with the fallout of someone who is depressed, but alot of it is the disease.

 

I do understand that, WWIU. But, the family has put her in treatment before, and also has been through the family counseling thing.

 

Mom is chosing to think she'll get herself right, because that's what Mom's do. They don't give up on their kids.

 

Her childhood was not nearly as bad as she makes out. She just choses to not release it. She holds onto every hurt and uses it to punish them. Just sucks to watch...

[Jilly Bean]

I am very surprised by your vitriol, Jilly Bean. And your apparent blindness to the MANY sides of dysfunction within your family.

 

From what you've said, it sounds like everyone in the family has formed some kind of united front against her, and she has become THE problem, THE scapegoat, THE reason why everyone else is in pain.

 

As others have said, family dynamics are never that simple. I cannot fathom how a father could have NEVER loved his child. Like, when she was an infant he hated her? How awful on your father's part! How would you feel if, instead of being your daddy's favorite, he disliked YOU instead of your sister?

 

The thing you seem blind to is that all of you are simply reinforcing the existing dynamics within the family. Your sister acts in a certain, predictable way, and you all react in certain, predictable ways, and she reacts in predictable ways. Round and round you go, hating each other more and more each round.

 

I guess you need to decide what role you want to play in this drama as it unfolds further - the one you've been playing so far? Or something different?

 

If you take the really, really, really long view, is this how you want to remember your sister and your family dynamic? If not, what moves, however small, can YOU make to start shifting and changing things?

 

Oh, I'm not blind to it, Sunshine. I fully understand our dysfunction.

 

You have to understand that she has CHOSEN to remove herself from the family. She would blow off holidays, birthdays, anything she thought would hurt my folks to boycott. She has had extremely limited involvement. My Dad has been battling cancer, and she has seen him maybe 6 times in four years. Just makes no effort. So, life goes on without her, you know?

 

She's not the scapegoat, as when she is not around, the rest of us get along fabulously, and never fight. It's only when she enters the dynamic does hell break loose.

 

This has been going on my entire life, as when one member removes themself, then the circle closes without them, you know?

 

But also know it wasn't ALWAYS like this. When she was in her early 20's, she and I were close, and would hang out and were very friendly. She was a very integral part of the family. But, she let her life slip away, and with that, she alienated herself from the family. No one kicked her out. She left on her own...

[Jilly Bean]

JB, I agree with much of what Shadow has said. If your father has "NEVER" liked your sister, how do you think that makes your sister feel? Growing up knowing she's the screwup can't have been fun for her.

 

Maybe I'm an optimist, but I can't understand how one can let go of family like this. Don't give up on her, JB! She needs you. You are her family.

 

Maybe this is the time for healing? Perhaps this is a good thing.

 

Oh Gosh, Ocean. It's like having a drug addict in the family who keeps promising they will get clean, but never does, and then when they come around, it's hell.

 

I just know that she has never proven herself to be someone we could rely on, and I have no reason to think that will change.

[Jilly Bean]

I don't have any advice to offer, JB. Certainly sounds like a tough situation to be in.

 

Is there any way you can try to be indifferent towards her?

 

Thanks, Star.

 

I think that's pretty much all I can. I plan on just continuing on with my life as it is, my relationship with my folks will continue as best it can (knowing I will have to side-step her being around as much as possible).

 

Beyond that, she and I are cordial, civil, and over the past few years, I have ALWAYS been the one to step up and extend the branch to her.

 

But, I'm still hoping she won't come. Period.

[PrettyOdd]

I also told them I was stressed about the disruption and intrusion to our lives. I just know in my heart that she will provide NO value.

 

This sums up how you feel about her. I feel sad for you that you feel this away about your own sister, no matter what she has done. EVERY human being has value!

 

Honestly, we went through a VERY rough patch with my Dad recently, thought the end was imminent, and both my Mom and I reached out to her. It was a low point, and now we all are retracting the invite.

 

Look at this quote carefully. Can you not see the ways that you and your parents are participating in this family drama and scapegoating your sister?

 

 

In my opinion, past the age of 18, you have to take ownership of your own issues and problems and STOP blaming your parents for your crappy childhood. THAT is what annoys me. That she is still making them pay for her inability to get her act together, and still torturing them for coming up short as parents.

 

I completely agree with you here. She needs to take responsibility and get help. However, she just keeps running back to the same people who caused her wounds in the first place, expecting THEM to heal her instead of finding other ways to heal. If I were your sister, I would stay far away from your parents and live my own life and find my own happiness. Because whether you want to face it or not, your descriptions of your family all point to dysfunction and abuse. You are the favorite and your dad has never liked your sister. This is not okay, at least not in an emotionally healthy family.

 

I hope that you can find in your heart to look beyond the familial bias and see that your sister does have a place in the family, and she is of value. When your parents are gone all you will have is each other.

[Jilly Bean]

This sums up how you feel about her. I feel sad for you that you feel this away about your own sister, no matter what she has done. EVERY human being has value!

 

I hope that you can find in your heart to look beyond the familial bias and see that your sister does have a place in the family, and she is of value. When your parents are gone all you will have is each other.

 

Well, again, no one kicked her out. She was not excommunicated. She CHOSE to remove herself from the dynamic. She nevers call my folks, rarely visits, and still expects them to make all the moves to contact her. It's ridiculous. We were all raised to show respect to our elders. I don't expect my 96 year old Nana to call me - I always contact her. Just how we were raised...

 

She does have a place in the family, but value? No, sorry. The only contribution she continues to make is pure heartache to my folks, and drama when she blows into town.

 

I'm just surprised that NO ONE on here seems to have a black sheep (ish) family member.

[Touche]

I do. I've mentioned my black sheep sister in passing. We're like night and day. She's only 14 months younger than me.

 

If she's anything like my sis she won't be the "golden child" for long...after the novelty of her stay wears off.

 

Just curious..how long has this b/f been around? Is it an LTR? Might he change his mind about your sister's relationship?

[Ariadne]

My clinically depressed, miserable, loser of a sister

 

............

[Jilly Bean]

I do. I've mentioned my black sheep sister in passing. We're like night and day. She's only 14 months younger than me.

 

If she's anything like my sis she won't be the "golden child" for long...after the novelty of her stay wears off.

 

Just curious..how long has this b/f been around? Is it an LTR? Might he change his mind about your sister's relationship?

 

Yes, I am sure the novelty of her will wear off VERY fast, and that's what worries me. When she reverts to type, then the drama will set in. My parents can turn an eye to her when she is not here, but knowing she is minutes away? They're crazy to think they won't be affected by her shenanigans.

 

She has been with the current BF for 3 years. Prior to moving in together in December, they only saw each other on the weekends. When he moved in, he told me he had NO idea how bad off she was, as he wasn't around it. He tells me stories of how unhappy he is living with her, yet I know he still loves her. I won't bore you with the tales of their hell, but he's told me things that make be cringe. She is controlling, abusive, mean, and has made him feel entirely unwelcome in her home.

[Citizen Erased]

She has been with the current BF for 3 years. Prior to moving in together in December, they only saw each other on the weekends. When he moved in, he told me he had NO idea how bad off she was, as he wasn't around it. He tells me stories of how unhappy he is living with her, yet I know he still loves her. I won't bore you with the tales of their hell, but he's told me things that make be cringe. She is controlling, abusive, mean, and has made him feel entirely unwelcome in her home.

 

Why is he telling you this? How inappropriate.

[Jilly Bean]

Why is he telling you this? How inappropriate.

 

How so? He's been like a member of the family for years. My folks adore him and he has been very good to my family. He and I have always had a good friendship.

 

And he didn't start telling me all this drama until they moved in together. I think he was truly shocked as he has NO idea she was like this. He was just trying to find some answers...

[Citizen Erased]

How so? He's been like a member of the family for years. My folks adore him and he has been very good to my family. He and I have always had a good friendship.

 

That's all lovely and everything, but he isn't a member of your family. Especially if he is going to break up with her. I am very close with my boyfriend's sister but I would never in a million years talk to her about any problems I have with her brother. Because he is her brother and her loyalty should always be to him and not me.

[Jilly Bean]

That's all lovely and everything, but he isn't a member of your family. Especially if he is going to break up with her. I am very close with my boyfriend's sister but I would never in a million years talk to her about any problems I have with her brother. Because he is her brother and her loyalty should always be to him and not me.

 

I understand. But, I also know that he had NO CLUE how she was, and he was truly shocked and awed to find out. He sold everything to move in with her, felt totally over-committed to the situation, and needed to find out what was up. I just felt for him as he truly had no clue how ill she is...

[Touche]

Do you have any other siblings that could help out with this whole situation?

[sunshinegirl]

Listen, you're probably feeling a little beat up by some of the comments here, mine included. I know for me, it's very hard to relate to feeling such anger toward a sibling. And I'm surprised at it, because in your other thread asking about clinical depression, you seemed to have a more sympathetic view and a genuine interest in understanding what had happened to her. That seems totally absent here.

 

I think you (or someone) may have mentioned this already, but it certainly would be a good idea for you all to establish clear boundaries - probably for all of you - on what is and isn't okay behavior as she comes back into your lives.

[Jilly Bean]

Do you have any other siblings that could help out with this whole situation?

 

I have an older brother, but he lives overseas.

[Touche]

I have an older brother, but he lives overseas.

 

Bummer, Jilly. Wow, I don't know what I'd do if my sis moved here. I can only take her in small doses.

 

What can you do but try to minimize the drama and make the best of it. Use your wonderful sense of humor as much as you can to diffuse things.

[Jilly Bean]

Listen, you're probably feeling a little beat up by some of the comments here, mine included. I know for me, it's very hard to relate to feeling such anger toward a sibling. And I'm surprised at it, because in your other thread asking about clinical depression, you seemed to have a more sympathetic view and a genuine interest in understanding what had happened to her. That seems totally absent here.

 

I think you (or someone) may have mentioned this already, but it certainly would be a good idea for you all to establish clear boundaries - probably for all of you - on what is and isn't okay behavior as she comes back into your lives.

 

Yes, I'm far more sympathetic to her when she isn't coming to town. It just adds a whole new spin to the game. A very bad spin, Sunshine.

 

My folks assure me that nothing will change, but that's unrealistic.

 

Honestly, I'm venting here about it, but since my biggest commitment in life is to my folks, I won't drag them into the mire of my feelings about this. It would cause them unhappiness, and I won't willingly contribute to that. So, if and when she gets here, I will take the high road, as I always do in order to help maintain some peace. Even if it's all fake...

[openingup]

Hi JB,

I don't want to throw kerosene on an already fast-burning blaze, but this is a situation with which I am very familiar. Depression, bad relationships and other drama aside, you mention in your posts that she is controlling, manipulative, and broke. Here's the problem:

 

Your father is very ill, and you've indicated the prognosis is not good. Your sister is financially incapable of taking care of herself. Your parents have already given her a car, and when it looked as if your father's condition would be terminal, she decided to move to town.

 

Not to put too fine a point on it; she's in this for what she can get and is closing in on payday. She'll move to town, encroach on your folks and you until your father passes away. She'll then start working on your mom, who's sympathetic toward her. Soon she won't have to worry about working again and will be angling to inherit the house after your mother is gone because she'll "need" it more than either of her successful siblings.

 

I've watched two families (my husband's being one of them) where elderly parents are bled dry by "prodigal" children returning home and "needing" their help. Even if underdogs get on parents' nerves and cost them money and aggravation, they DO make them feel needed, and that's addictive.

 

I'd make sure your Mom's car, house and anything else she owns is put into a trust before it's gone. For good measure, have her jewelry kept in a safe deposit box, too. Talk to your Dad and let him know you think your sister is setting up house to take advantage of your mother once she arrives. He'll be only too glad to thwart her if their relationship is as bad as it sounds.

 

My father-in-law wound up paying for all of his 90-year-old mother's expenses after his "troubled" little sister (aged 50) came to town, played up to her and drained her life's savings. When she was sure there was nothing left to take, she left her brother (the responsible one) holding the bag. Don't let this be you. Do what you think is right to protect your folks.

[Ms. Red]

Smoking craps peeps! Unless you have dealt with a mentally ill person (who is not stable) who is a major part of your life......you have no idea what it is like. I can only guess that the ones who have shown disdain to Jilly B are fortunate enough not to have experienced that. It is an energy, emotionally draining existence.

 

Just because someone is a family member doesn't mean you have to love them, support them, see them, put up with their iniquities! (That last one pertains to my personal family issues.)

 

Unfortunately, it seems that Jilly B's family doesn't abide by my last paragraph. And that is not unusual. Family tends to blame themselves for mental health problems even when it is not warranted. Therefore, they try to persevere in bringing the family member to a "normal life".

 

It seems to me that Jilly B realizes that her & her family's attempts in the past have been futile to help sis with her MH issues. It's not surprising that they may say ƒuck it! One can only take so much.

 

Jilly B, I don't have the answer in your situation because MH is such a difficult illness to be dealt with and each situation is unique. And your parents are at an age where they should be content in knowing their adult children are self sufficient & will carry on their heritage. I can only tell you that I empathise with you and I understand your viewpoint of the situation with the information you have given.

 

I wish U well. =^-^=

[Nevermind]

My father was clinically depressed for years, and I for one also don't think that JB's attitude is awesome. It is not easy dealing with people who suffer from mental illnesses, but you need to understand that it is , in fact, an illness. No charactre flaw, no personal failing. It doesn't make her a loser. It makes her a very ill person.

 

To me, her family is not helping very much. Sorry, LB, but this is what I got from your posts.

 

Your father hates her. (And sorry, but if he couldn't stand her as a child, then this is HIS fault. No child is a loser.)

 

Your mother doesn't want her to come, yet choses not to tell her but will harbour a resentment for her daughter, because she didn't read her mind and stayed away.

 

Her boyfriend choses to bitch about her to her own family, and will drop her after making her move to a place where he knows she is unwanted.

 

You only see the intrusion, don't show empathy for the sister who was never loved the way you were, and blame your sister for her mental instability.

 

You, as a family, are not helping her at all. I am not saying that you should take her in, or help her get a therapy, or deal with her on a daily basis.

But at least be sincere, tell her she shouldn't come. If you don't want her in your lives, then tell her. Don't invite her in halfway and then get angry when she does come. I am certain coming won't help her.

 

She doesn't want to do a therapy, well then you can't help her, but you can try to not make matters worse.

 

This thread is a vent, and I fully understand. I am sorry you are going through this, and I know that dealing with a family member who has depression and refuses treatment is extremely hard. I felt resentment and sometimes anger at my father, too. But those emotions never helped. Understanding did.

[Jilly Bean]

Hi JB,

Not to put too fine a point on it; she's in this for what she can get and is closing in on payday. She'll move to town, encroach on your folks and you until your father passes away. She'll then start working on your mom, who's sympathetic toward her. Soon she won't have to worry about working again and will be angling to inherit the house after your mother is gone because she'll "need" it more than either of her successful siblings.

 

It's funny you say this. My folks are very well-to-do. My sister has been the trustee of their estate, as she is the oldest, and at the time it was drawn up, she was still responsible.

 

I have been telling my parents for YEARS that there isn't a bone in my body that doesn't believe she will try to screw me out of my share. They insist it is impossible the way the will is written, but I know she could also suck out a large amount in "executrix fees".

 

It's been a battle for years to get them to change this. They like to think the best of her, and insist she would never do that.

 

Two weeks ago, they told me they were changing the will so that a third party will administrate the will. Not sure if it's happened yet, as I can't bring it up too often without seeming overly suspicious myself.

 

Sis says she will move back as soon as my Dad has passed. We'll see.

 

I don't trust her, never have, and what you suggest wouldn't surprise me. I hadn't considered she was moving here in order to get the cash. My folks gave her some money years ago, but that was only because they gave me a down-payment on a house, so they were evening it out. The car thing recently? Unreal. The car had 30k on it, was a jaguar, and Mom had NO problem keeping it (she loved it, actually). But you're right - makes me wonder what else she has up her sleeve...