justakid Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 I've been seeing this girl for about 9 months now. She's really awesome... we have a lot of trust, and good communication, and I feel really comfortable around her. we're long-distance right now, for a few months and I'm, like, the person who doesn't call enough, or doesn't reply to texts and emails enough, who isn't putting in as much effort because I don't care as much as she does, somehow -- I really like her, but.. she puts in so much effort to call me and send me letters and packages and sends me long emails when I go away and all this fantastic stuff. And I really appreciate it, but I don't really feel the same way. sometimes I tell her I'm not sure that we should be together, that I'm not sure this is a good idea. She tells me it's ok to be unsure sometimes, that she loves me, to not worry about it, that I can take as much time as I need. But I've been unsure ever since we started going out, and it's like this giant ****ing elephant in the room. It takes up a lot of space. she's really understanding and fantastic, and I'm pretty undeserving of this she tells me she loves me, and I'm like "... I don't know what love is. thanks?" but I've sort of maybe loved people before, and it is not this unsure I'm torn between not wanting to lose her and wanting to break up with her, because it's not going to work out her, in the end. She's so good, though... I don't know. I have to decide if we're going to move in together in a few months. (we lived together for a while last year, and it was good... that's not so much of a problem) I sort of feel like, since I do care about her and I like being with her, I sort of want to renegotiate/reconsider how we think about our relationsihp, but I'm not sure how. I know it needs to change, because the way it is now isn't good, but I don't know how. has anyone ever been in a similar situation? Am I just stupid, for wanting to throw away something so good? Am I making any sense?
justaman99 Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 I had to break up with my ex when we were in long distance. I couldn't deal with the uncertainty anymore. In my case she was supposed to come back to where I am by a certain time, well a month went by and another month went by, she missed some deadlines close to where I live for school. That told me she wasn't serious about me or coming back so I broke it off. i loved her and at the time things were great but I had to move on. She ended up moving back here almost 7 months later. Anyway. Your position is a little different. It doesn't seem like you're really into it but she sounds like a really great girl as well. Those aren't easy to find. This is a tough call. TALK to her and tell her what you wrote us here. She sounds very understanding. -Just
Author justakid Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 We'll be back in the same place in a few weeks, so we're postponing discussion until then. I've told her everything I've said here. She has been really understanding about it, but she'd like me to make a decision sometime, obviously her response was some sort of cross between "do whatever is best for you" and "please don't leave me, if there's any chance this can work out" it ****ing breaks my heart, but I can't shake this feeling that this isn't right but what we have is so good.
Author justakid Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 and it's weird, because I know how it feels when you care about someone more than they care about you. I've been there so much, and it's so frustrating to be on the other side. I know how much it hurts, when you'd do anything to make the other person love you, when the best part of you day is talking to them but the best part of my day is not talking to her. i sort of feel mildly good about seeing her, but there are no butterflies in my stomach. I'd be so ****ing hurt if someone was doing the same thing to me as I am doing to her (being uncertain? leaving me hanging?), if someone was acting the same way. I feel like all I do is hurt her (she claims otherwise) I don't know how to make it better.
justaman99 Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 We'll be back in the same place in a few weeks, so we're postponing discussion until then. I've told her everything I've said here. She has been really understanding about it, but she'd like me to make a decision sometime, obviously That's a good move. her response was some sort of cross between "do whatever is best for you" and "please don't leave me, if there's any chance this can work out" it ****ing breaks my heart, but I can't shake this feeling that this isn't right The feeling is what you need to focus on. I think you're caught between a really cool girl but one you don't have a connection with. You should wait and talk to her but it sounds like to me your heart just isn't in it. If your gut says it isn't right then it's not. Just be sure that's what's happening. but what we have is so good. What's so good about it? She is a great girlfriend but your heart isn't in it? but the best part of my day is not talking to her. That is a big problem. You clearly aren't into her. I just think you don't want to break her heart. Is there a chance that you feel she's too good? It's possible. Some people sabotage things unconsciously because they find someone that really treats them well. They think it's too good to be true and freak out that something bad has to happen. i sort of feel mildly good about seeing her, but there are no butterflies in my stomach. You should probably have some butterflies. You might be feeling good about seeing her because you will have a chance to end it. Think this through. I'd be so ****ing hurt if someone was doing the same thing to me as I am doing to her (being uncertain? leaving me hanging?), if someone was acting the same way. I feel like all I do is hurt her (she claims otherwise) I don't know how to make it better. Agreed. It sucks to be on the receiving end but she's being very understanding and patient which is a nice characteristic in people. There's no way to make it better or easy. If it doesn't feel right, it just isn't but do your best to try and figure out why. If you do decide to end it be open and direct with her. She deserves that much and be sure you don't regret it later. -Just
reservoirdog1 Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 and it's weird, because I know how it feels when you care about someone more than they care about you. I've been there so much, and it's so frustrating to be on the other side. I know how much it hurts, when you'd do anything to make the other person love you, when the best part of you day is talking to them but the best part of my day is not talking to her. i sort of feel mildly good about seeing her, but there are no butterflies in my stomach. I'd be so ****ing hurt if someone was doing the same thing to me as I am doing to her (being uncertain? leaving me hanging?), if someone was acting the same way. I feel like all I do is hurt her (she claims otherwise) Dude, I know what you mean. A few weeks ago I ended my relationship with my GF (live-in), and there was a serious imbalance between us. For her, me coming home in the evening was the high point of her day. She daydreamed about me, fantasized about me, all of that. She was totally devoted to me. What really gave me a huge indication was a weekend about a month ago. I went out of town without her for about three days... and I didn't really miss her. In fact, I felt very peaceful being away from her. And when I got back, there was a strange tension between us, and honestly, I wasn't thrilled to see her. Like you, I was uncertain throughout much of the relationship. I feel crappy that I hurt her, and the desire to not hurt her was what kept me coming back after our numerous near-breakups in the preceding six months or so. In addition to the other things I realized that led me to end it, I knew that by prolonging things, I'd just end up hurting her more. I don't have any specific advice, but I've been where you are. Nobody can make the decision for you. And once you've made it, I think the best indicator that it was the right decision will be if you experience a feeling of relief, and of a weight lifting from you.
Author justakid Posted August 15, 2009 Author Posted August 15, 2009 Nothing really changed from that point. We kept dating for a year, or so. She continued to be awesome, I continued to not love her. We broke up a few days ago. We'll still live together, we'll still be friends, but we agreed that it wasn't going anywhere and we should end it. I worry that I will never meet anyone better than her, but she was not for me.
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