nuropd Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Hello... I'm not sure how to begin, but here goes. Last week I had a talk with my gf of 21. We talked about her past abortion with her ex. I came to terms with the fact it was a mistake when she was 18. Although she should have known better - there's nothing I can do about it now and plus it happened long before I was around anyway. We understood each other, and the thought disappeared from my mind. Last night... when we were having chats about miscellaneous things, more of her past was revealed. She lost her virginity at 15, with a guy who was 24. He made her believe he was 19. She moved out with him because she had a fight with her parents. She regretted it. She then goes on talking about her recent ex and how she doesn't regret being with him. She had happy moments with him which she still thinks about. Every word she spoke I could paint a perfect picture of. I felt sooOo sad. Depressed. But I kept listening. What was I to think at that moment???? She went on saying how she bled again with her recent ex, which I couldn't take anymore. She responded with feeling better she told me now than later. Is it necessary to tell each other everything???? :cry: At that moment everything just added up. Even this very moment, the things she's told me about her past and what she's been through. Suddenly small things like her bumping into her ex gets to me (It never use to phase me one bit). Every little thing that runs through my mind now, simply escalates to an emotional level. I am really disappointed with my gf. :cry: I don't know why I'm feeling this way...is it just me? Am I wrong in feeling this way? Do I break up 6months of what we've had? I don't know what to do....... :cry:
justakid Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Why are you disappointed with her? I don't understand.
zxcirce Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 It's her past. The past is the past. Who are you to judge what she did with her life before she met you? Maybe you should tell her not to tell you anything else about her past, because it causes you to see her in a negative light. Nobody is perfect, and I'm sure the decisions she made were hard enough at the time, and she doesn't need you now making her feel bad about them.
Ronni_W Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Am I wrong in feeling this way? I'm also unclear as to the source of your disappointed and sad feelings. Has your image of her changed (to something 'negative')? Is it your compassion that is influencing you to feel sad? Are you feeling powerless to help her overcome all her challenging/sad experiences? You do not have to "take on" her experiences and feelings in order to be able empathize with her. The best way to support her in the present, is to be understanding and accepting of ALL her past. Another way to look at it is that if she had missed any one of those significant events in her own Life, she would not have been the person you fell for six months ago. She is who she is EXACTLY because of everything that went before, from her moment of birth. If you liked her before you knew the specifics, she actually still is that exact same person that you liked. There is nothing about her that has really changed -- any "negative" changes were created in your head, with your thoughts, beliefs and ideas about "right" or "wrong". The other thing is to ask her not to use you for any more of her "therapy sessions" -- she's right to get off her chest whatever she needs to heal and release, but it is not a partner's job to be on the other side of that. it can be very detrimental to even the healthiest of relationships. Best of luck.
Haloandhorns85 Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 I don't really understand why you are disappointed with her. Are you disappointed that she actually has a past? Because everyone has a past. Everyone has thing in their past they wish were different. But that's why it's called a past. Besides, who are you to judge her for her life before you? As you said, its only been six months. Ther is no possible way for you to know everything about her in six months. And, really, its none of your business. She may be your gf, but only for the past 6 months of her life. IMO, you should get over yourself and realize that EVERYONE has a past. And Everyone has ex's that they eventually will run into or even ocassionally talk to. No big deal. I think you are being a little over zealous about freaking out over her past. Get over it and move on is my advice. P.S. - That she had an abortion at 18 has absolutely nothing to do with you. And judging her for that makes you look worse than her for having the abortion. It's her body and her right, if she chose to do so.
Author nuropd Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 Thank you all, for your insights on this matter. They have been very constructive. I greatly appreciate it. I'm not usually the type of person who would break down like this. It was a difficult battle I had to endure. I ended up talking to my gf last night about it. She made me realize how much impact I had on her. She is very happy with me, and she feels she could tell me anything. She saw me as this understanding and reasonable person that I am. What an 'understanding' person I turned out to be... We had a 3 hour chat which covered most areas of doubt. I suddenly felt stronger. All the negative thoughts have cleared up, and I was able to take control of how I feel once again. I guess I needed that assurance from her. I'm glad its all over and hitting that revelation was sooner than I anticipated. Thank you once again everyone.
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