After 1.5 years, I broke up with her.

[wingk1314]

Guys and Girls (although I think it's mostly girls in here),

*warning - a long read*

 

I've been in a LDR for almost 1.5 years and last night I told her it's time to break up. Surely, during those times, there has been quite a few rough periods which we've overcomed and dealt with.

 

We're both 22 years old. I live in Melbourne, Australia while she is in Hong Kong. I met her on a trip to Hong Kong with a few mates and how should I put it, towards the end of the trip i really didn't want to fly back to melbourne.

 

She's quite a strange character. She has a very pure heart, but also has one of the worst temper's in the world. But, she is a popular girl whom never needs to worry about lacking someone by her side. Perhaps it's to do with her beauty.

 

Anyway, we finally decided to be together even though it's a LDR. As I said earlier, she's a beautiful girl. There's always guys chasing or wanting her. Which also means there's a lot of guys bad mouthing me when ever they find the opportunity to. She'll often get things like "you should never trust him". "all guys will go screwing other girls when you're not around". That's already hard enough to deal with. Then, her friends aren't very supportive of her either. Let's just say we've never really had a smooth ride.

 

A year on, it's finally time for me to fly back to Hong Kong and spend my holidays with her. It turned out horrible. It was so sweet finally seeing her and being with her. But then again, everything didn't turn out right. I stayed a total of 2 months and for the 1st one and a half months, we kept arguing and fighting. Breaking up and coming together again.

 

I really love her as much as anyone of you loving your other significant half. Sometimes i scare myself thinking about the things that i did for her. But somehow, in the past few months, things have just plunged down hill.

The reason I broke up with her I guess is because of me feeling insecure. Everything that I've done for her, and I can proudly say I've tried to do 10x - if not more than what others done for her, just doesn't seem to be appreciated by her. To be honest, the most important thing for me is for our relationship to work out and that's the main reason I've done whatever I could. I am sure that I will be more than willing to be together with her if she is willing to solve our problems together with me. But that just doens't seem to be the case. I said "let's break up" and her response was "ok, break up then!". I told her I don't feel she loves me the way she say she does and all she says is "yeh.. u're right i don't love u at all" (it's her temper at work again.. i know she doesn't really mean it). I can't understand, we are breaking up yet she can't seem to find the sense to calm down and talk with me.

 

Anyhow, I told her clearly that it's over and she's heart broken and really upset now. She's been crying and going out to see friends. Over here, I told my friend that I broke up with her. My friend asked me if my shoulders are feeling lighter. Well, they are lighter. But it seems as though it's not easier to carry, but harder to stand up. My shoulders do feel lighter, but my heart feels so much heavier. How I wish we can work things out. But I really can't feel she has the want to do so.

 

sigh.

For those of you who have read everything. Please forgive me as I think I've only typed out this whole passage as a way to express myself a little.

I do feel a bit lost.

[woods321]

I have been there as well..

 

In my case, all of her friends and even family were telling her that "of course I have another woman", and that ALL men cant go without sex.

 

I even texted her one day while she was with her friends, and somehow they convinced her that another girl stole my phone and texted her !

 

My girl also had a temper, and also was very attractive. She stayed 2 months and things were not smooth.

 

She returned home and told me she missed me so much, cant wait to come back etc. Then she told me she cant handle LDR because she KNOWS i am sleeping with other women. Then she tells me again how she loves me. But cant put up with me and the other women...(there were no other women, and I told her this 100 times)

 

So, I know your exact situation. Shoulders feel lighter, but heart heavier. Always hoping somehow they would change, but in the end they either cant, or seem like they don't want to, no matter what they say. Things were not smooth at all. Break up, get back together etc etc.

 

However, I have no idea of what kind of advice to offer. All I can say is I know what you are going through.

[wingk1314]

haii... I can't bare the thought of her crying all night and going through all that pain. But I know I can't handle it if it continues. sigh.

I called her mum a few hrs ago and had a nice discussion. She was basically talking bad stuff about her daughter non-stop and saying thanks to me. A part of me keeps going 'give it another chance and try to work it out', but another part of me doesn't want to go through the disappointment again.

[HisLove]

She sounds a little immature. You aren't her father - she needs to step up and take ownership of her contributions to the problems. THEN if she's serious about it, she'll make the necessary changes, not throw sarcastic comments back to you instead of talking to you.

 

It seems as though she thought you'd be the one to crumble with her comments like "oh let's break up then" etc - but it seriously backfired on her. If she has any self-awareness, she'll admit this and talk to you about it.

[wingk1314]

exactly.

It never feels like she's ever in a serious talk with me. She's always rambling with sarcastic tones about her own views and really doesn't show any respect for what I have to say at all. She is indeed immature. Her mum even warned me many times about it. I really hope she can change. But from what I've seen, I doubt it very much that she'll do that for me... which is why I'm so down right now. She'll probably end up saying things like "why do I need to change? there's nothing wrong with me. My friends can take it, why can't you" some crap like that.

She says she loves me all the time but now I can't see her even trying to prove herself. The only thing she thinks is I don't understand her.

 

The thing with her self-awareness - I'm afraid that's near impossible for her. Her friends are the first people she heads to whenever she encounters any problems and they've always disliked us being together. She listens to them more than me. From what I know of her, her friends will be spending time with her and finding ways for her to forget about me already.

 

I guess it might already be down the drain.

[HisLove]

ok, is this somebody you want to be with:- ?

 

She's never in a serious talk with me.

 

She's always rambling with sarcastic tones about her own views and really doesn't show any respect for what I have to say at all.

 

She is indeed immature.

 

I doubt it very much that she'll do that for me.

 

She'll probably end up saying things like "why do I need to change? there's nothing wrong with me. My friends can take it, why can't you"

 

The only thing she thinks is I don't understand her.

 

The thing with her self-awareness - I'm afraid that's near impossible for her.

 

Her friends always disliked us being together.

 

She listens to them more than me.

 

Her friends will be spending time with her and finding ways for her to forget about me already.

 

So that's some stuff on the negative side of the page. Besides your feelings of love for her, what positives does she bring to you? What can you write on the positive side of the page?

[wingk1314]

LOL. You know what, everyone's been asking me the same thing over and over again. And to be honest, I really struggle to even convince myself that I have gained much out of this relationship. Sure, she buys me gifts but that's about it. She's nice sometimes when I was with her in Hong Kong.

She rarely does the job of comforting (which I don't expect anyway) since she is quite a busy person these days.

She can be sweet sometimes although most of the time it's non-existent cos I'll usually be comforting her (she has a lot of issues in life). In the past, there were times I was really comfortable being with her. But for the past few months it rarely seemed to be that way.

 

I really don't know. I'm not a person that expects or requires much from anyone. If we were to compare people, I'm sure there are many others who can bring much more into my life. But the thing is, I'm in love with her and after everything that I've done and all we've been through, I'm still finding it hard to believe our relationship is failing/failed.

[HisLove]

As they say, a relationship isn't 50/50. A successful relationship takes 100/100 from both sides. Your story sounds about 90/10 or worse. You deserve better than that.

 

If you're willing to be disrespected, ignored, blown off because it doesn't suit somebody to talk....well don't be disappointed when that's exactly what you get.

 

I noticed you said that you don't expect or require much from anyone. She sounds perfect for you and gives you those things!!

[woods321]

It amazing how people from completely different cultures can share so many of the same traits.

 

Past issues in life, never serious, bad temper, parents seem to talk poorly of their own child etc.

 

I think you will get over her rather easily once the dust settles.

[wingk1314]

lol@HisLove.

Yes, I do realise all of that and I agree with you whole heartedly.

Perhaps I've been too blinded and over accepting towards her personality.

 

woods.

I really hope it'll be like that.

These days I want to find a more hectic job and keep myself more busy til that day the dust settles.

 

Thinking back, everytime we've argued and broken up in the past, I'll always be the one to to answer to her requirements. I'd always want to improve and say "I'll do that from now on". Yet she can't seem to do or even try to do it once for me. She only stays in her world trying to feel better about the whole thing. Either by trying to forget me or by not thinking about it and waiting for me say something. I'm so saddened that she can't show me at all that she even has the want to fix our relationship. I told her I don't feel like I have a position/priority in her heart and now I really am feeling that way. She keeps stating otherwise but god why can't she show it.

[woods321]

What did the 2 of you fight about when you visited?

 

I think people with past issues, or childhood issues, have a very hard time opening up. So they act like "i dont care", are not serious, or do things to sabotage a relationship.

 

But after a while it is a lousy feeling when you are putting all the effort in, and the other cannot seem to give much, regardless of what they say.

[wingk1314]

Small and simple matters generally. While overer there, once she blamed me for not organising a place for her to have dinner at for her b'day. The thing is, I stayed up all night and made her a cake AND found a place for dinner too. But the problem was that place was full until late and she was starving. So she said she knew another place she liked. Fair enough. When we got there she was even more pissed coz the line was long and we waited for 30 minutes.

After that we went to the place i booked coz there's a piano there and I wrote her a song and played/sang it too. She didn't like it coz that place was closing up and although the people there were nice, it seemed as though they wanted us out (they were closing afterall). So the next day, she came over and broke up with me. Anyway, it's things like these where I've really tried my best and did whatever I could but she just sees the other side of things. And the song, I initially wrote one before I went over there. But when it was almost time I realised I didn't like it and i wrote her ANOTHER one. (i went to an instrument store and rented a piano lesson's room for 3 hours writing/practising the new song for her - and I was doing all that without having any sleep the night before making her cake). But...... she was just pissed towards the end of the day saying that I didn't put any heart into organising her birthday. What can I say? "ok.. i promise i'll do it better next time".

 

EDIT: and in regards to their upbringing, yes I agree too. Her upbringing is far from being "normal" and I guess that just contributed towards her personality. Her mum kept on warning me about it... but I guess i was too naive and wanted it to work out.

They don't necessarily do things to sabotage a relationship though. Most of the time they just don't know what effects their actions bring to the other person. My case in particular.

[woods321]

Do you feel she would she have went though that much trouble for you on your birthday? Bake you a cake, plan you a night, etc. And if she did, would you complain, say it didn't work out perfect enough, etc? Mine was similar, and I do not understand that mentality.

 

Sometimes it seems like you put forth most of the effort, it isn't enough, they just complain, and you get little back.

 

I think I meant they sabotage it subconsciously, as inside they have a feeling it wont work, and they don't want to get hurt. However, I have no idea what they are thinking...

[wingk1314]

LOL. my birthday was 1 week after hers. She took me out for dinner and bought me a cake.

 

I know how you feel. It's painful when she complains. You feel like what was the point of doing all that. I guess their type of people just sees things differently to us.

 

Nah, I don't think they do it subconsciouly cos they don't want to get hurt. They're just self-centered and immature is what I learnt. Everything in the end is centered around them. They claim to want the relationship to work out, but they only require things their way. I was just having a think about the past stuff that happened and what everyone said to me, and seriously, although I do miss the good times with her, a part of me is is slowly realising that she was breaking my mind and heart apart. A part of me is glad that I've finally sumed up the courage to let it go. Now I just need to learn to deal with the break up and get my life back together again.

 

EDIT: i think the hardest thing for me is not being able to get through to her. Maybe we're just too different.

Like breaking up, I know for sure that she doesn't understand 100% why I'm breaking up with her. I want to make it clear so she knows what's going on but she just never seems to get it. She's always saying other things or things that she sees are important/want and just doesn't seem to give a damn about what I'm talking about.

[HisLove]

Sometimes, the only answer you can give is "you just don't get it do you?" Smile and shake your head and leave it open ended.

 

That usually gets them thinking.

 

There is no point turning yourself into a pretzel trying to find a way for her to understand. The want to understand has to come from her.

 

Does she understand this:- She's selfish, uncommunicative if it doesn't directly benefit her, childish and shallow. Finished with.."you just don't get it do you?"

[woods321]

No kidding. It is like they are from a different planet almost.

 

I would articulate exactly why I cant deal with her(over and over), and everything I said would just come back as "Oh you found someone else" or, "Oh you want a better body" (Even though she had a great body).

 

I don't know how some people become so self centered. Like they are the only ones that matter, and it is your job to serve them. How old is your girl?

 

Mine was 32, never married no kids. For as funny, pretty, and fun she is I guess I kind of wondered how she is still single without having too many ltr's. I guess her actions answered my question.

[wingk1314]

HisLove - thanks for the advice! It's been taken in! Although it's a bit too late now, but I guess that's not the important thing.

 

woods - tell me about it. Their heads are so thick.

 

Mine just comes back with "you don't understand me". Well, it's not that I don't want to. I makes efforts to do so but she just doesn't seem to think it's good enough. I wonder if she ever made the same effort for me. I really can't recall that she has.

Mine was 22 but, like yours, she's funny, pretty and fun too. That's why everyone flocks to her (mostly guys). And guess what? When that happens, it means she gets spoiled and that's a part of the reason why she's like that. She never admits it though. She says how bad her life is and how hard she has to work for everything. But that doesn't mean she's not spoiled. I told her but she just won't admit it. Her mum told me she's overly spoiled too sigh.

 

The thing is, they don't realise/believe or even think that they're self-centered. With an unpleasant upbringing, she just thinks of how unfair or hard her life is and doesn't want any more 'annoyances' in her life. Although I'd hate to think she thinks I'm an annoyance, but deep down somewhere unconscious to her, she does feel that way about me/our relationship and that's why she's not making an effort. - that's what I think anyway. She thinks she has too many problems in life and don't want anymore that's why she's unwilling to put effort into this. Sigh, thinking about it saddens me heaps but what can I say? If you're not going to put in, then sorry, I'm out.

[woods321]

Wink I see what you mean.

 

Mine had a combination of bad childhood (divorced parents, mom wasn't nice, was poor), then a completely pampered teen and adulthood. (never worked,full time maid, own home, car, wealthy dad came back into her life.) She is also an only child. She also gets a lot of male attention.

 

So, she is completely spoiled. I told her she is as well.

 

She ALSO ALWAYS COMPLAINS ABOUT PROBLEMS. It is like she needs constant attention, sympathy, pity. She has a better life than 95% of the people in her country, yet complains everyday about how horrible her life is.

 

And I see what you mean about annoyances.. Right now she doesn't have to work, take care of anything, pay a bill, cook, clean etc. And she is saying her life is so hard. She was saying it is too difficult to talk to me on the phone anymore because she worries day and night that I am seeing someone else.

 

I was always the one doing the calling. She would sit by the phone and wait for me to call, but she would not pick up the phone and call.

[wingk1314]

She was saying it is too difficult to talk to me on the phone anymore because she worries day and night that I am seeing someone else.

 

i HATE it when they say things like that. GOD!

They make it seems as though they care so much about you (which I believe they really do) but then never seem to put any effort into you.

 

and yes, they complain ALL THE TIME about EVERYTHING.

Even little things that shouldn't matter, they'll go on and on and get really pissed about it. I always tell her that there's no need to get pissed at such little things. Even if it's wrong, it doesn't deserve such an attitude from you. But no, she doens't listen. She just says I don't understand and that she'll go find another friend to talk with instead.

 

My ex's parents are divorced too. Her dad is one hell of an a**hole but her mum is one of the nicest and caring/loving mums in the world. Yet she treats her mum like trash most of the time. I really don't understand why these type of people can't simply grow up and open their eyes.

 

Inside, I hope that one day she'll realise all of this and change. Even if it's not for me, I hope she can at least do it for herself cos one day she'll see that what she's doing is only harming herself in the long run.

[woods321]

Mine treats her father horribly. I would tell her to respect him, he is old, might die soon etc, and she is always fighting with him. She told me her dad even apologized to me (through her) on the phone for her behavior.

 

About 1 week after we stopped talking she messaged me, and told me how much she loves me, but she cant continue talking to me because her mother died, and she cant take the stress of me having another woman. Which other woman, I have no idea.

 

I would just remember it isn't you, it is them.. We would talk about exes, and she regrets how she treated hers. She would be depressed for a long time afterwards, but the breaking up was always her doing or fault.

 

Maybe there is something in them that needs to control, or something in them that will not allow them to put forth actual effort, and in a way they are happier being depressed and alone? Maybe it is easier so they cant get hurt anymore?

 

My lifestyle and hers matched perfectly, which was why I tried hard, and was hoping she would change. There were many goods. But, I don't think I could have ever accepted to be with someone in which I am ALWAYS putting in all the effort.

[wingk1314]

I had that too. Her mum appologized and thanked me for everything. A part of me feels that she's not putting in the effort simple because she doesn't know or doesn't understand. Which is why I've always tried (without success) to get through to her and let her know exactly what's going on.

I say this because my ex, ever since little, has always had her difficult things dealt for her by her close friends. Her family was weathly when she was young and she got whatever she wanted. Now's not the case anymore but it's clear that she doesn't know how to handle things. Everytime she's faced with a problem, either her close friends or me will help her overcome it. I guess that's why my ex is just trying to forget me. She's always reluctant to face problems. I told her that one day I'm not going to be there to help her and she HAS TO learn to deal with things herself. It's for her own good. But I guess it's just so much more convenient when you have people willing to do everything for you.

 

EDIT: Yeah, my ex always fights with her mum too. I told her the exact same thing but she won't listen. It's really sad thinking about it. I feel so bad for her mum but there's nothing much I can do about it since my ex's so thick headed.

[woods321]

I just reread this thread, and must have read it too quickly the first time..

 

You actually BAKED her a cake, wrote her a song for her birthday, took piano lessons, and then she STILL felt like you didn't put enough effort in?

 

WOW.. It actually makes me feel a little better knowing I didn't have the only difficult woman in the world.

 

Here is my birthday story..

 

So finally it is my day. My birthday. Not that I am the type to really announce it to everyone, but I am thinking at least she would be cool.

 

She was staying with me for 2 months. On my birthday we decided to go to the mountains to this town we really like. We stay for the weekend.

 

We go to a bar she really likes, and I like as well. It is midnight, and she is just acting kind of quiet and strange, and of all days, all of a sudden, she doesn't feel like drinking. The one day she doesn't want to have fun, is on my birthday.

 

So at around midnight, all of a sudden she is "starving". Being a little mountain town not many places have food. So, we have to leave the club, and find her food. She has never been hungry before at midnight...

 

So we go to a quaint little restaurant, and the owners will cook just for us, and they drink with us. It was a lot of fun. There are people at another table we were talking to, and some girl keeps calling my name.. So she got mad..

 

We went back home, and she is furious.. I end up leaving and sleeping in my car. She leaves to look for me and locks herself out of the room.

 

She didn't buy me one beer, or even offer. Then the next day she was sorry.. Loves me, etc..

 

However, she has been telling me for at least 2 months that her birthday is approaching.. Announcing it everyday..So on my birthday she acts like that. But hers is so "special" she must tell me every single day even 2 months before it comes..

[wingk1314]

woods, you guys are still together?

 

Yes, they never seem to know how to appreciate anything. Probably because they never thought that they need to.

 

Anyhow, I've just had a talk with her mum and I've finally made a concrete decision as to how I'm going to handle the whole thing. I told her I want to put some hope into my ex, but she told me to give up and focus on my other things like my career and as much as I wish it's possible, I know deep down that there's nothing that I can do that will possibly change her. So I'm giving up and going on to pursue other things in life. As someone in this forum said on a threat somewhere, good things await us.

 

Although there are many things that I have lost in this relationship (some I haven't mentioned), and currently I'm at the bottom of a well in my life, but I'm going to climb back up to regain what I believe should be mine.

 

All I can say to you is good luck with her. I'm a failure in this situation so I can't really give you any good advice but if you're still together, then I truely hope that things will work out between you two. As for me, time to focus.

[woods321]

She went back to her home country, at the end of June.

 

I was still calling her everyday etc. We talked, but since her mom died it was difficult.

 

She called me one day in the evening, and i was at the store. She was convinced I was with another woman, even though i answered my cell at the store and was talking to her.

 

She told me not to call her anymore, and she cannot handle it. So I called a few days later, and she wouldn't answer her phone. I gave up.

 

Then she texted me, telling me she loves me, but cant deal with the fact that I have another woman. (A psychic told her I did) So, I just gave up again.

 

It was her birthday yesterday. So I figured I would call. Her home phone line was disconnected. So I called her cell, and she answered.

 

She told me she was SO happy, I called, and told me how much she loves me. She said she completely screwed everything up doing her visit, and she thinks of me all day everyday. She said she wishes she never went back home.

 

But then she also told me that she changed her home phone number a couple weeks ago that she could forget me. She also said she started waiting at midnight the night before for me to call on her birthday, and was sad that i did not.

 

We talked, and she told me she did not like that I stopped calling her. I am thinking WHAT? She told me 5 times NOT TO CALL her anymore, so I didn't. But she is acting like I simply stopped calling. Maybe in her mind I dumped her? Maybe she wanted to prove my love by calling everyday anyway? I dont know what she was thinking.

 

I do feel better though that she admitted she was selfish, and hard to deal with. Her mom did just die too, so I can understand being very emotional.

 

At this point I don't know what to do, as things have changed. I am thinking i will give her a call from time to time to see how she is.

[wingk1314]

Sigh. Well, calling her from time to time is good. Be with her and let her get over this period cos she does need you now.

 

And yes, they're very contradictive sometimes, but I think all girls do that. They tell you not to call again but inside they're always wanting (and then expecting) you to call. And then when you do call, they'll complain to you that you havn't. I know it's annoying sometimes but a lot of women are like that. (or maybe it's just our ones). I don't find that that annoying anymore cos I'm used to it I guess.

 

I wish my ex had the guts to step up and say the same things. I'm glad you two are talking again cos she does seem to be admitting her faults at least. That is a start. Hopefully, she'll start learning and stop being such a difficult person to be with.

 

I still give them calls every few days. But only to her mum cos I know if I call her, she'll be giving me attitudes again and we'll probably just end up arguing or something similar. So I do kind of envy you in that sense that you can call and maintain contact with her.

 

EDIT: sigh, i just remembered something that my ex used to say. A few times when we broke up, she used to talk about how much she has put in and that she hasn't gained anything out of the relationship. I was so heart broken when I heard that. I think in the end, we just hold different values.