NedFlanders Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 I have a friend who has been with her husband for 25 years. He is 10 years older than she is, and has always been verbally abusive, violently abusive as in throwing things. He is basically a spoiled man even at 50 still gets and has always got what he wants from his parents. My friend finally got the courage to leave for two months, but went back because he has so called completely changed. I just find it that hard to beleive that in two months he has became a new person after 25 years of being what he was. I use the religion example. Look at all those people that when they go to prison or get into some kind of trouble they find God, but as soon as they get what they want they go back to being who they were. He got what he wanted by her going back to him, now will he stay changed?
justaman99 Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 He wasn't like this for 25 years, he was like this for 50. At this point 2 months won't change anyone, I don't even think 2 or 20 years will. It's most likely too late to change this very deeply ingrained almost innate behavior. -Just
Arise_Serpentor Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Maybe you should make a post of simply "Have you ever changed yourself for the better quickly?!?!" could be interesting!
Author NedFlanders Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 Well to her he has changed, but you are right he has been like this for 50 years and you are telling me all it took was for her to leave for two months and now he is a new man. I dont know I am just worried for her. Example she has always wanted to go to school so now he is going to "allow" her to do so. So she is thinking of quiting her job and doing it. Now what happens if he goes back to his old ways, what than? She will be without a job and no means to leave.
privyet Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Unfortunately there's probably not a lot you can do. People in abusive relationships want so badly to believe in that change that they simply hang on for dear life to any sign of it. I should know. It took earth-shattering events for me to leave my abusive husband, and even after I left, I went back several times before I left for good, because he manipulated me into believing he had changed and would change. And I'm no dummy - it's not like I'm some empty head - but when you're in it, you simply see what you want to see. And the more time you have invested emotionally in it, the harder it is to give it up. yes, eventually he'll go back to his old ways - might take a day, a week, a month, but for sure the abuse will start again. She should be figuring out by now that she needs to take steps to protect herself, but unfortunately, as i said at the start, there's not a lot you'll be able to do if she's not ready to accept it.
justaman99 Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Now what happens if he goes back to his old ways, what than? She will be without a job and no means to leave. She'll discover sooner or later if his tendencies are coming back. He is going to be extra aware and she is going to be extra sensitive in the short term but the thing is a rubber band almost always returns to its original shape. It sucks but as I told my ex girlfriend time will tell all. Time usually has a way of telling the truth about certain things and for me and for you it will tell more than words could ever do. I am not sure how receptive your friend is but I would talk to her about school and giving up the job. It's a valid concern. -Just
HeatherAngel Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 I totally disagree. People do change - every single day. And sometimes it takes a catalyst - perhaps mate walking out. And two months alone might be enough. Yes, they may be in a codependent and abusive relationship - but maybe he has changed. We don't know.
Author NedFlanders Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 Unfortunately there's probably not a lot you can do. You are right there is not a lot I can do except let this drive me completely crazy and depressed. Your reply has helped because it seems you do understand completely. So what finally clicked with you that made you realize that you deserved better? My friend like I said was with him since she was 15 and he was 25 so really she was just a kid so to her this is just the way it is. Honestly no matter what I say I dont think she knows any better. justaman99 I have talked to her so much trying to tell her to wait before she quits and see what happens. She says he has found religion so everything wil be better, but for how long is what I say. Is there any thing I can say that will make that switch go off in her head? She has never been on her own so I know that scares her also. She has always been taken care of.
Author NedFlanders Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 I believe people change also, but like justaman99 said this guy has been like this his entire life and in two months he is completely different. She finally got him to go to a marriage counselor, and it was her pastor. They only "needed" to go for about 3 weeks. You telling me it only takes 3 weeks to solve 25 years of problems.
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