clean_slate Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 After a ton of drama (mostly to do with my girlfriend's emotional affair) over the past month, my girlfriend has told me she needs "time" to sort things out and see what she wants to do. She claims she loves me and wants to be with me, but then she says she isn't 100% in love with me anymore. So, after a few days of foolishly attempting to win her over again, we had a talk and I've decided to give her whatever space and time she needs. I am no longer going to be contacting her. But here's my question: my girlfriend has texted me twice today. The first text pretty much told me "good afternoon, I wish you a wonderful day and send you my love. I love you." The second was a few minutes ago and simply said "How are you?" I haven't responded to either. Should I? Or should I ignore them (and any further contact)? It feels like she's playing a game right now. She wants time to think, but then she wants to know how I'm doing. I'm sorry, but she's had ample time to figure that out over the past month, and she's continuously blown me off. I'm sick of it, and I'm getting sick of her. So, should I really bother responding or should I just go no contact for a while? My girlfriend is going to visit her grandmother in Florida in a couple weeks. I might wait until the day before she leaves to contact her again. I don't know. I saw her yesterday (she stopped by my work for a few minutes) and she said "see, this time thing isn't so bad." Then she mentioned how she wanted to get together at some point this week to go see Dark Knight- a movie she decided to see with her female friend instead of me on Friday. If she wants time, that's fine I guess. But this game is just confusing and upsetting me. She comes into my job briefly (I work retail) and wants me to give her a hug and be happy after what she's done? It makes no frigging sense. She was like Jekyll and Hyde between Saturday and yesterday.
Author clean_slate Posted July 21, 2008 Author Posted July 21, 2008 If you don't want to be her Plan B then go NC. What do you mean "Plan B?"
tanbark813 Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 What do you mean "Plan B?" Her backup guy. She doesn't want to be with you right now but telling you she loves you, stopping by your work, asking if you want to see The Dark Knight, etc., etc., etc., are designed to keep you on the back burner as a fallback just in case she doesn't find someone she likes more. You can be her backup plan if you want or you can stop communicating with her, move on, and find someone who will consider you her first choice.
justaman99 Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Dude. Read up: I found a text from her to this coworker-guy friend which said "You're the brightest light in my sky." He responded with something like "I only am reflecting the light you give off... You make me a better man." Who invites a married man to her fourth of July party? My girlfriend, that's who. Apparently, the guy's wife and kid went to his in-laws for the weekend... without him. So, my girlfriend invited him to her party and he went. I also went, and it was extremely uncomfortable. Besides the fact that my girlfriend spent far more time talking to him than to me, there are two specific occurrences that bothered me a lot. Leave this chick. Come on the guy gives her gifts, little flowers and all this crap and she thinks it's because they're friends? No woman is that naive! She knows exactly what's going on and she's doing this with a married guy that blurts out from a slumber that he wants to shoot his wife. Ummm what? Leave this girl! She's f'ing with you! Leave, leave leave!
Author clean_slate Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 Ugh. I just checked my phone and she texted me again. This time she said "goodnight/morning...." I sent her a response this time so I don't end up pissing her off anymore than I probably already have. I find it humorous that this chick accused me of being "needy" on Saturday but then pulls this garbage. Humorous and sad at the same time. I told her she could have her space and time. I'm trying to figure sh*t out myself right now- basically whether I want to continue with her or not. I was enjoying no drama for almost two full days, but apparently that is against her rules. All drama, all the time. I. Hate. Childish. Games. I think I need to suggest no contact for at least a full week. No texting, no calling, and certainly no "bumping into" one another. Work will be the only barrier towards that goal. When someone tells me they need time and space, I take that to mean they want time and space. Not that they want my constant attention.
justaman99 Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Don't forget! Her "friend" is the brightest light in HER sky buddy! I never thought a friend can be the brightest light in the sky. That should be reserved for someone you're in love with. hmmm... SHE doesn't need her space and time YOU do. How the hell did this get flipped around? It's time to grow a pair of balls. Sorry I couldn't put it any other way.
Enema Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 It's like you're ignoring all the responses and just talking to yourself here. Don't reply back. And, don't suggest NC- just go NC! Get her out of your life for good by completely ignoring her. If she comes to your work, tell her you think it'd be best if she stopped coming by. Your relationship with this woman will never, ever work. Save yourself some years of pain and stop it now.
Chinook Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Clean slate, how much longer is this gonna go on...? What's her next trick gonna be that keeps you from flipping and doing what you need to do to maintain some semblance of dignity and a life....? I've read pretty much most of your threads and unless you're leaving out some details of how you're coping and how this shyte is going down, you're incredibly naive to think that (a) there was nothing in it with her EA (b) she is going to recapture those 'love' feelings for you with the two guy friends still in the picture and © you're NOT her back-burner guy. Time and effort spent in the relationship does not give you any head-start in the stakes. I think you need to actually sit down, by yourself - requesting absolute no contact from her and establish whether YOU want to be in this. You need to think about how much effort it is going to take in re-establishing all those lost feelings, the lost trust, as well as recapturing the love feeling. Sorry but for me, that's a tall order and I'd want total commitment from her - playing these games, she just seems to be pissing you around.
D-Lish Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 I agree this girl is looking to have her cake and eat it too. She wants space to figure out how she feels- but she keeps reaching out to you. I am not sure why you feel guilty for not answering her texts after what she has done to you. And why would you go to a movie with her??? That's messed up. She can't have it both ways- it's not fair to you. If you remain entangled with her, texting her back, hanging out with her- you're not being fair to yourself! She's obviously conflicted over who she wants to be with... It's NOT in your best interest to let her know you are still available to her. You might think that if you don't return her texts or hang with her when she wants that she'll forget about you.... but that's not the case. It's quite the opposite actually. Don't text her back, don't speak with her, tell her you don't wish to see with her if she comes to your work. You want to have impact, while at the same time preserving your dignity? Ignoring her completely is how to achieve this. You do need to grow a backbone where she is concerned (and I mean this in a gentle way). She knows you are waiting patiently and openly for her to make up her mind... and that's not the position you want to be in. The only way to take control of this situation is to ignore her. If she harrasses you for an explanation- you're best retort is to somply tell her you have decided you don't know what you want and YOU require space from her to rethink how you feel. Don't tell her you are going NC.... silence is deadly enough. She can't even consider the possibly of what life might be like without you because you are still at her beck and call. That needs to stop right away. She's obviously exploring her feelings for a new dude... But she hasn't had to consider the possibility of losing you because YOU'RE STILL AVAILABLE to her. Personally, I would like to see you give up on her and walk away... But I don't think you're there yet. You do need to take space for yourself and take a long hard look at what she is doing to you- then you need to decide after taking that space, whether or not to stick around and work it out. I know telling someone to walk away and forget about someone you love is easier said than done- I've been there. But she is treating you like a doormat. She thinks you're too needy?? You need to show her just how capable you are of living life without her. Trust me- the best course of action is to ignore her completely. She needs to be forced into making her mind up, and if you're still being available to her- she has no reason to do that. I hope you decide for yourself that you deserve better.
Author clean_slate Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 The only thing keeping me from dumping her is a tiny shred of doubt about her true intentions. My girlfriend has told a female friend of hers (who she has no reason to lie to- I barely talk to this person) that she loves me and wants to be with me, but the only reason for the space and time is her parents. Apparently they told her if she doesn't break up with me they will give her the boot. So, my girlfriend has decided to act as if we're broken up for a while in order to fool her parents. Whether this is true or not, who knows? But this is what she told a female friend, who in turn told me. Now, do I condone this type of behavior? Absolutely not. I think it's childish, and I think it's straight up bull****. Though, I can't say for sure what I would do if I found myself in her position. If it was a choice between having to give up my life and move 1500 miles away, or taking a "break" from my girlfriend, I might also choose the "break." Does that put a new spin on things? I don't honestly know. It lightens the blow a little... but only a little. This still hurts tremendously. Honestly, I think my girlfriend has been attempting to force me into breaking up with her so that she doesn't have to make that decision.
Chinook Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Honestly, I think my girlfriend has been attempting to force me into breaking up with her so that she doesn't have to make that decision.I have my own saying for that, it's called "the injured soldier" syndrome. Where they get to treat you so badly that eventually you make the decision for them because you can't stand for any more crap. Meanwhile they get to whinge and whine about how you dumped them and it was all horseshyte that you wanted to try afterall. When the reality is, she pushed you to it and the tell tale is both the games she's playing now and trust me, after you break-up there will be little to no rush to getting it all sorted out again. Seriously man, I have no idea how you're still putting up with this situ, even with the parents issue. I think if my parents laid that kinda constraint on me, I'd be tempted to blow them off too as it's none of their business.
tanbark813 Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 The only thing keeping me from dumping her is a tiny shred of doubt about her true intentions. This reminds me of a conversation I had with a good female friend towards the end of one of my relationships when I was trying to figure out what to do about my gf at the time (paraphrased to the best of my recollection): Friend: "So why are you considering giving her another shot?" Me: "Because there's that tiny glimmer of hope that things may work out." Friend: "Why would you waste time on someone for whom there's only a 'tiny glimmer of hope'? Why not look for someone who gives you many reasons to be with them?" I'm phrasing it poorly but it was some of the best and most useful advice I've ever received.
mma_j Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 The only thing keeping me from dumping her is a tiny shred of doubt about her true intentions. This feeling is really powerful. It sucks, too. But everybody else is right. While you want to be with this girl, she wants to explore other options. There's no point in waiting around when there are lots of other women out there who want to be with only you. I have to take some of my own advice, because I know what you're going through. But when someone's heart is somewhere else, it's best to set them free. If they come back, then you take them back on YOUR terms. Good luck!
bish Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 After a ton of drama (mostly to do with my girlfriend's emotional affair) over the past month, my girlfriend has told me she needs "time" to sort things out and see what she wants to do. So give it to her........permanently. She claims she loves me and wants to be with me yet she needs to sort things out. If she knows she wants to be with you, then there is nothing to sort out. This "time" she needs is for her to go off and sew her oats and mess around and leave you dangling on a string as the backup she can come back to when she has had her fill. Thats not fair to you. Again, I say give her the time she needs and don't be there for her when she is done. but then she says she isn't 100% in love with me anymore. So, after a few days of foolishly attempting to win her over again, we had a talk and I've decided to give her whatever space and time she needs. I am no longer going to be contacting her. But here's my question: my girlfriend has texted me twice today. The first text pretty much told me "good afternoon, I wish you a wonderful day and send you my love. I love you." The second was a few minutes ago and simply said "How are you?" I haven't responded to either. Should I? No, in fact, you should look into getting your # changed. Or should I ignore them (and any further contact)? Yes, go with this idea. It feels like she's playing a game right now. She is, you nailed it on the head. She wants time to think, but then she wants to know how I'm doing. I'm sorry, but she's had ample time to figure that out over the past month, and she's continuously blown me off. I'm sick of it, and I'm getting sick of her. Thats the attitude to have. And she is wanting time for more than just "thinking" my man. Lose her for good. Forget about her and move on. She is no good for you. Let the guy she had an EA with have her. So, should I really bother responding or should I just go no contact for a while? You are being used as the back burner guy...the 2nd fiddle, the guy she can come back to after she has had enough of whatever it is she will be doing. that and if it doesn't work out with some other guy, she will "settle" for you. Don't give her that option. People like this need their options taken away from them. My girlfriend is going to visit her grandmother in Florida in a couple weeks. I might wait until the day before she leaves to contact her again. I don't know. I saw her yesterday (she stopped by my work for a few minutes) and she said "see, this time thing isn't so bad." Then she mentioned how she wanted to get together at some point this week to go see Dark Knight- a movie she decided to see with her female friend instead of me on Friday. If she wants time, that's fine I guess. But this game is just confusing and upsetting me. She comes into my job briefly (I work retail) and wants me to give her a hug and be happy after what she's done? It makes no frigging sense. She was like Jekyll and Hyde between Saturday and yesterday. She is playing with your emotions and playing games with your head. Tell her you are not going to be available at her convenience and that she should move on and bother the guy she had the EA with.
bish Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 This reminds me of a conversation I had with a good female friend towards the end of one of my relationships when I was trying to figure out what to do about my gf at the time (paraphrased to the best of my recollection): Friend: "So why are you considering giving her another shot?" Me: "Because there's that tiny glimmer of hope that things may work out." Friend: "Why would you waste time on someone for whom there's only a 'tiny glimmer of hope'? Why not look for someone who gives you many reasons to be with them?" I'm phrasing it poorly but it was some of the best and most useful advice I've ever received. EXACTLY!! Well said.
Narf Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 I know everyone is telling you the same thing... With my ex.. i was with him for 8 years in the last year he got meaner and meaner till i was forced to pick my self esteem and dignity or him... I chose me... It took him a month to realise he made a mistake... And tried to get me back... but the damage was done nothing could change the fact he had hurt me so deeply and the trust was gone... I never did no contact cause i just couldnt it made my pain and frustration turn on me... But i just stayed away.. i asked him to stay away too and if he did message i would reply but it would be short and to the point... never asking questions back and i would never message him first.. after a while the messages got less and less till months past without one... The one thing that hit me was...He said that he never thought i would leave him... I was so nice and had stayed with him through so much that it never crossed his mind i would get the guts to leave... Which means he would of never changed his behaviour had i stayed... Me actually leaving is what made him change and even thou we talk on occasion now and i do honestly think he has changed it doesnt matter... The damage done by me hanging around made me never want to try again... My point is... You hanging around changes nothing... She doesnt see it as you caring or loving her.. she doesnt see it at all... You dont know what you have till it is gone... Also the whole parents thing... Why not tell you?? She knows she is causing you pain... Surely talking to you about the whole situation would be a better option then treating you like crap? She is not scared of loosing you otherwise she would be more caring of your feelings... You need to let go... If she comes back you decide if you want it... You might see that you really dont the damage is done...
Angel1111 Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 The only thing keeping me from dumping her is a tiny shred of doubt about her true intentions. My girlfriend has told a female friend of hers (who she has no reason to lie to- I barely talk to this person) that she loves me and wants to be with me, but the only reason for the space and time is her parents. Apparently they told her if she doesn't break up with me they will give her the boot. So, my girlfriend has decided to act as if we're broken up for a while in order to fool her parents. Whether this is true or not, who knows? But this is what she told a female friend, who in turn told me. If she's trying to fool her parents, then why would she keep this a secret from you?
Angel1111 Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 Which means he would of never changed his behaviour had i stayed... Me actually leaving is what made him change and even thou we talk on occasion now and i do honestly think he has changed it doesnt matter... The damage done by me hanging around made me never want to try again... Narf, let me save you the suspense in case you're thinking that things would be different if you went back. They wouldn't be and he will never change. The only change he made was to act differently after you left because, when you did that, you left him with no other choice. If you went back to him, it would be the same stuff all over again.
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