mortensorchid Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 This is a situation I am not currently in, but seem to have gotten myself into in the past. Maybe I need a little help here or at least some thoughts. I meet a guy, we are an item (in some cases weeks, in others years) and eventually the time comes when he meets some of my friends. The bfs, if not immediately then eventually, don't like my friends and eventually refuse to be with them. They have literally said "I hate your friends and I don't want to be with them." They have also said "You are crazy for wanting people like this to be your friends." However, when I look at them, I realize that they do not have friends nor a social life at all except for me. I do not want this statement to sound like I should be thanked for handing them a social life on a silver platter, because if they don't want to accept the gift that's their choice. They have no idea that when they say these things ("I don't like your friends", "I don't want to go to the party", etc.) they really hurt my feelings. They come off as selfish to me, because if I were ever to turn down an offer that THEY had planned they would act hurt. Are they uptight? Am I too uptight? Of course this is all about the fine art of compromise, but why does this happen? And I am not going to sit here and say "Whoa is me", but I want to know why some people are this way. Insecurity? Anger? Guilt? Something else?
quankanne Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 a couple of questions, though your post raises a huge red flag: * does this happen with ALL the guys you date? Or, * are your friends just that rowdy?
jadedone Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 If it's a pattern, then maybe there is something wrong with your friends.
BUENG1 Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 This is a situation I am not currently in, but seem to have gotten myself into in the past. Maybe I need a little help here or at least some thoughts. I meet a guy, we are an item (in some cases weeks, in others years) and eventually the time comes when he meets some of my friends. The bfs, if not immediately then eventually, don't like my friends and eventually refuse to be with them. They have literally said "I hate your friends and I don't want to be with them." They have also said "You are crazy for wanting people like this to be your friends." However, when I look at them, I realize that they do not have friends nor a social life at all except for me. I do not want this statement to sound like I should be thanked for handing them a social life on a silver platter, because if they don't want to accept the gift that's their choice. They have no idea that when they say these things ("I don't like your friends", "I don't want to go to the party", etc.) they really hurt my feelings. They come off as selfish to me, because if I were ever to turn down an offer that THEY had planned they would act hurt. Are they uptight? Am I too uptight? Of course this is all about the fine art of compromise, but why does this happen? And I am not going to sit here and say "Whoa is me", but I want to know why some people are this way. Insecurity? Anger? Guilt? Something else? What are the reasons they give for not liking your friends? Snobish, irresponisble, or what?
jadedone Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 "You are crazy for wanting people like this to be your friends." This quote makes me think your friends are likely the problem, and you are blaming it on your bf because he doesn't have the big circle of friends.
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 If it's a pattern, then maybe there is something wrong with your friends. Exactly what I was thinking.
Author mortensorchid Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 I am the first to admit that my friends are quite rowdy when they want to be. They are artists and musicians, creative people, and we like to PARTY. When I say "party", I don't always mean drinking and using drugs (although that comes into play, I won't lie). In general, we are always on the go. Something is always going on every weekend, and when there's nothing we make something. There tends to be drama, but I like it that way. I do not drink or use drugs, but I like to be around the action. I like to try new things, I like to explore and see all that I can and never miss out on an opportunity. So what if it turns out to be boring or bad? At least I will know and never wonder "What if?" someday. A bad attitude to have? Well, maybe so, but I'm not going to change it anytime soon. I guess I wonder why it is that when I introduce some of these people into my fold that they are so turned off just because some people like to get rowdy.
Star Gazer Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 There tends to be drama, but I like it that way. A bad attitude to have? Well, maybe so, but I'm not going to change it anytime soon. If that's the case, then why don't you seek drama kings for BFs? Seeing as you like the drama your friends create, I think that in saying that they don't like your friends, they're also saying they don't like who YOU are when you're arounf them.
Citizen Erased Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 My boyfriend doesn't like most of my friends but he doesn't make things difficult. He will still hang out with us, it's not really that big of an issue. Probably because I get along with all of his friends. Your boyfriend doesn't have to like them exactly, but if he refuses to tolerate them it is another story.
Stockalone Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 The bfs, if not immediately then eventually, don't like my friends and eventually refuse to be with them. They have literally said "I hate your friends and I don't want to be with them." They have also said "You are crazy for wanting people like this to be your friends." Given what you have said about your friends (being rowdy, doing drugs, drama), I could see myself saying something along those lines. However, when I look at them, I realize that they do not have friends nor a social life at all except for me. I do not want this statement to sound like I should be thanked for handing them a social life on a silver platter, because if they don't want to accept the gift that's their choice. You need to stop dating loners, they are not a good match for you. I am not sure yet if it matters what kind of loner you have dated, but I am curious. Have you been dating the kind of guy that obviously doesn't want to socialise much or the kind that appears to want a more active social life but doesn't know how to do that? I am assuming the latter. You said you don't expect gratitude, but calling it a "gift" to offer them a more active social life kind of contradicts that, don't you think? They have no idea that when they say these things ("I don't like your friends", "I don't want to go to the party", etc.) they really hurt my feelings. They come off as selfish to me, because if I were ever to turn down an offer that THEY had planned they would act hurt. I am not sure if it makes a difference, but I wouldn't say that I don't like your friends to hurt you but probably because I would actually be concerned about the impact this will have on our relationship. Your bf's might simply be irritated by the discrepancy between your friends and you or maybe even how you behave among your friends and how you behave when you are with your bf. You don't drink, you don't do drugs, but you want to be around the action and friends who do drugs, drink and cause drama. That doesn't make much sense to me. Are they uptight? Am I too uptight? Of course this is all about the fine art of compromise, but why does this happen? And I am not going to sit here and say "Whoa is me", but I want to know why some people are this way. Insecurity? Anger? Guilt? Something else? Preference. I am a loner, so dating a very social person wouldn't be a good idea in the first place. But I also think that more social people than myself might still have problem with rowdy, drunken people who do drugs and cause drama. Why do you think that insecurity, anger or guilt have anything to do with this?
quankanne Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 sounds like you're dating the wrong kind of guy for your lifestyle. If you want someone who is compatible with your friends, you need to find someone who is more like them (outgoing, social, etc) than guys who tend to be the polar opposite. hmmm ... unless this is your way of subconsciously balancing things out?
Gemini0525 Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 IMO, you just haven't found the right guy yet. You have a group of friends that you're comfortable with and you enjoy spending time with them... and that's a wonderful thing to have. ((As long as these friends aren't dragging you down, if ya know what I mean.)) I know I'm oversimplifying but I agree that you may be going after the wrong "type" of guy. Your bf doesn't have to love your friends or be exactly like them but he has to be able to at least tolerate them and appreciate them for who they are. Good luck!!
Author mortensorchid Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 Have you been dating the kind of guy that obviously doesn't want to socialise much or the kind that appears to want a more active social life but doesn't know how to do that? I am assuming the latter. I have noticed this quite a bit in the last few years now that you mention it. Of course, you don't KNOW a person until you know them. Some are more obvious about it. I did have one person tell me immediately that he was looking to increase his social life which is why he wants a girlfriend. And another told me that he doesn't have friends, but he always has a girlfriend and that's all he needs. That immediately turned me off and I dropped them like bad habits. I tend to be with the type who wants to increase his level of socialization after being a loner for a while. Then, once they have, they don't want what they have and go back to their old ways. That's really a different set of issues, but they tend to walk away after taking a few digs at me. What annoys me is that they walk away and regret that they walked away. I guess I don't know why people don't think about their choices. Of course we're going to reget some choices that we make, but I wonder why they always choose the easy way out or against what they wanted in the first place.
Stockalone Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 I have noticed this quite a bit in the last few years now that you mention it. Of course, you don't KNOW a person until you know them. Some are more obvious about it. I did have one person tell me immediately that he was looking to increase his social life which is why he wants a girlfriend. And another told me that he doesn't have friends, but he always has a girlfriend and that's all he needs. That immediately turned me off and I dropped them like bad habits. At least those guys were honest. I tend to be with the type who wants to increase his level of socialization after being a loner for a while. So these guys just took a time-out for whatever reason and now want to become more social again? May I ask what gets you interested in those guys? Men with little to no social life are not exactly a highly coveted commodity. Given that you are far from being a loner, it seems strange that you end up with a guy who isn't more outgoing and social, more like you. How do you even meet those loners? Then, once they have, they don't want what they have and go back to their old ways. That's really a different set of issues, but they tend to walk away after taking a few digs at me. What annoys me is that they walk away and regret that they walked away. Do you know if any of those guys became more social later or did they remain loners? It looks like they have to go from one extreme to the other. When they are loners, they miss the company and when they have a more social active life, they miss their alone time. The thing is, if they themselves don't know what they want or lack the ability to balance their contradicting needs, how could you have done it for them? So I don't think it is a problem with who you are as a person. Your friends could be a part of the problem though. If those guys you dated are not the most social people (and maybe also lack social skills), your rowdy friends might not be the best bunch to be exposed to if you are a loner. Were those guys also a bit on the conservative side? The experience with your friends might be shocking and thus put your loner way too far outside his comfort zone. Think of a guy who is used to read only comic strips in the newspaper but would like to learn more about literature. If the first book he is tasked to read is Joyce's Ulysses, there is a good chance he will want to go back to the comic strips. I guess I don't know why people don't think about their choices. Of course we're going to reget some choices that we make, but I wonder why they always choose the easy way out or against what they wanted in the first place. Sometimes you can't win, you only get to choose what you are willing to sacrifice. And if you don't know what you want, making a choice that you won't regret will be nearly impossible. This might have been the case with some of the guys you dated. Unfortunately, this doesn't help you avoid those men, but it should make it easier to deal with their choices. They didn't reject you, they simply weren't ready to make an informed decision about what you have to offer them.
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