lisaelise Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 This is an extension to LaurieBell's thread re: her leaving her home for a weekend to give her BF space. I know this thread is long gone and over, but I've followed it for a bit, and still and completely lost - I don't understand at all. Not even in the least. Neither does my husband. He would be horrified if I left the home when people came over, and pissed off that he was stuck entertaining them by himself. And, his friends would be quite unhappy if I *wasn't* there, they expect to be visiting me as well. We're around 30ish so not that young, perhaps it is different at this age. However, I have had boyfriends before marriage and can say for certain they felt the same way as my husband and always preferred me to be present if people are visiting....and in those cases we did not even even share a home, they still expected and preferred that I was present. I've never heard of 'male talk' that females are not allowed to be present for...this was so baffling I actually asked around..and no one has heard of this, neither my husband or any of my or his male friends. What century is this again? I've never, ever heard of anything like this before, from friends, co-workers, anything. Shouldn't a man want his gf/wife to to be friends with his friends, and be proud to show them off, and be happy to be comfortable and be themselves around their wife/GF?? I just don't understand why anyone would want otherwise.
PandaStillLovesBunny Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 Well, I'll answer this one from experience - I was quite happy with my ex when we were together, for the most part. But she was entirely different from my friends - well, ex friends, but that's an entirely different story - and it made it difficult to be around them both at the same time. My ex was very cuddly/clingy, and my friends were intellectual sorts whom I wanted to debate and argue with. This kind of activity is difficult to engage in when you've got someone hanging off your shoulder who delights in that sickeningly sweet couples-in-the-early-stages-of-a-relationship talk. It's about relatability and discomfort. Now, if - like the situation you appear to be in - your friends are also your SO's friends, or you're so entirely alike that there's no difference between you and his friends, then you've got no problem. But that's not always the case.
Gemini0525 Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 This is an extension to LaurieBell's thread re: her leaving her home for a weekend to give her BF space. I know this thread is long gone and over, but I've followed it for a bit, and still and completely lost - I don't understand at all. Not even in the least. Neither does my husband. He would be horrified if I left the home when people came over, and pissed off that he was stuck entertaining them by himself. And, his friends would be quite unhappy if I *wasn't* there, they expect to be visiting me as well. We're around 30ish so not that young, perhaps it is different at this age. However, I have had boyfriends before marriage and can say for certain they felt the same way as my husband and always preferred me to be present if people are visiting....and in those cases we did not even even share a home, they still expected and preferred that I was present. I've never heard of 'male talk' that females are not allowed to be present for...this was so baffling I actually asked around..and no one has heard of this, neither my husband or any of my or his male friends. What century is this again? I've never, ever heard of anything like this before, from friends, co-workers, anything. Shouldn't a man want his gf/wife to to be friends with his friends, and be proud to show them off, and be happy to be comfortable and be themselves around their wife/GF?? I just don't understand why anyone would want otherwise. I didn't read the entire thread but I think I got the jist of it. Personally, I've had my share of "girls' nights out" but to expect your SO to leave the premises seems a bit extreme. Not sure that I want to be the only female in a house full of rowdy guys BUT if he's having "boys' night" every other weekend and she has to make herself scarce - plans or no plans - THAT seems a bit much. Hmmmmm... are they doing things that his girlfriend can't see or hear? I got the impression that a lot of this guy's friends are single... maybe he's caving in to peer pressure. LOL In the end, each couple decides what's best for their relationship but if either one is often making plans that exclude the other, is it really a mutually satisfying, long-term relationship or just one of convenience?
Lauriebell82 Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 Ugh, this is like the thread that never ends. Anyway, hopefully posters won't drudge up all my old stuff, because I'd really just like to let it go. I don't care what anyone says, or what "tough love" they give to ANYONE in this situation. I'm not generalizing this to myself. If I wasn't in this situation at all and someone else was posting about it, I would say that it should be the gf's decision whether or not she wants to leave, not the males. If they can reach a compromise on the issue that is great. I do think it is wrong to even suggest that someone leave their apartment. If something like that IS going to be an issue (the gf around his friends) then that should be discussed. Usually when the real issue behind the problem is discussed (good communication) then it is better able to resolve. A good compromise is one that both parties are happy with. This is my opinion on not my situation, but ANYONE in the future who has this particular issue in their relationship. And it totally doesn't mean their relationship is screwed up and that they have issues that can't be resolved. The important thing is that a couple can work THROUGH their problems. Bad stuff happens, problems occur. Nothing is ever perfect, therefore it is important that the couple be able to handle and work out whatever comes their way. It's usually those who aren't able to do that, that have their relationships get destroyed. Again, not applied to any particular poster or my situation, just general advice for anyone in a relationship/having issues with relationships.
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 The only context in which this is reasonable, for me, is if one of the SOs is doing something the other cannot/does not want to participate in--for me, bf is a musician and sometimes goes to his other musician-friends houses to jam; I think it would be pretty uncool of me to be there but not be participating in their music-playing (also, probably not very fun). I think it's important that you get along with your SOs friends, though--if you're planning on spending your life with this person, these people are going to be around whether you like it or not. And why shouldn't you be able to get along with the people your SO chose as part of their life--your SO chose you too! An awkward dissimilarity between friends/SOs usually is trouble (and most often for the SO).
Star Gazer Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 If I wasn't in this situation at all and someone else was posting about it, I would say that it should be the gf's decision whether or not she wants to leave, not the males. If they can reach a compromise on the issue that is great. I do think it is wrong to even suggest that someone leave their apartment. This isn't your thread, LB. It's not about you. It's a general conversation. The question isn't about YOUR very SPECIFIC situation. The question is: Why would a guy not want his W/GF around when hanging out with friends. It's not about the facts of your case: him making plans and asking/requesting you to not be there when you have nowhere else to go. To answer the OP: When I was in the best relationship I ever had, there were occasions where I needed "me" time, and he his. Otherwise, you'd never really have any time apart. If I wanted to have friends over for a girly night, or he wanted to have a guys' night, we OFFERED to give each other space without being asked, without question. It allowed us the peace of mind of knowing that our relationship was not the be-all-end-all of our existence. For some people, all they really have is their SO. How would you be able to have a girly conversation about sex with your girlfriends in your BF/H's presence? How would he? How would he feel comfortable burping and farting and being crass in front of his friends, but also in your presence? Guys need guy time. Women need girl time.
Lauriebell82 Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 How would you be able to have a girly conversation about sex with your girlfriends in your BF/H's presence? How would he? How would he feel comfortable burping and farting and being crass in front of his friends, but also in your presence? Guys need guy time. Women need girl time. Yeah this is def. true. It is nice to have girl time to talk about girly things..bfs kind of kill the moment.
anecdote Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 It's always a positive for your SO to be on good terms with your friends. However, it also nice to be able to spend quality time with your friends without the SO being around. It's called allowing your partner space to breathe which is crucial for any relationship. It's about reaching a happy medium and striking an equal balance.
quankanne Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 Why would a guy not want his W/GF around when hanging out with friends. It's not about the facts of your case: him making plans and asking/requesting you to not be there when you have nowhere else to go. in my case, I just don't want to have to babysit my husband when I'm hanging out with my friends, because HE is going to be my primary concern, and the whole reason for getting together with them is to kick back and enjoy ourselves, not babysit HIM. And I know he doesn't want to be there, so I'm not going drag him along. ideally you figure out a way to keep all parties happy, and DH and I figured out long ago that separate vacations was the way to do it.
quankanne Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 it's also nice to be able to spend quality time with your friends without the SO being around. not to mention less embarassing when your one girlfriend who knows your sexual history brings up certain "events" in your life and you definitely don't want your partner to hear
anecdote Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 it's also nice to be able to spend quality time with your friends without the SO being around. not to mention less embarassing when your one girlfriend who knows your sexual history brings up certain "events" in your life and you definitely don't want your partner to hear I'm not familiar with this, it's not happened to me, but I guess that's another reason. It's also nice to be immature, stupid and carefree with your friends without your SO there to mother you. (That's not a sexist comment is it?)
Trialbyfire Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 Everyone needs space. How they acquire that space will make or break a relationship.
Lauriebell82 Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 I'm not familiar with this, it's not happened to me, but I guess that's another reason. It's also nice to be immature, stupid and carefree with your friends without your SO there to mother you. (That's not a sexist comment is it?) yeah my boyfriend DEF. acts more immature with his friends. I guess it can apply to females as well, I wouldn't really want my bf around when I am joking around with my friends/sister. I went out with my sister on Friday night and I know my bf wouldn't have been into what we were talking about.
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