PhoenixFromTheFlames Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 I've just realised that I am always the dumpee. Rel 1, 3 months, he dumped me (he vanished) Rel 2, 3 months, he dumped me (but I was glad about it) Rel 3, 42 months, I dumped him (abusive and dangerous) Rel 4, 6 months, he dumped me (gutted) Rel 5, 36 months, he dumped me (uber gutted) The only relationship where I was the dumper was because I was forced to end things. I did everything I could to make it work, but in the end, staying was doing more harm than good to us both. I don't consider my self the 'dumper' exactly, I had no choice. I've never just got bored and buggered off, or 'suffered from grass is greener' or anything like 1, 2, 4 and 5 did to me. I will always try to make things work, even when they are utterly hopeless (rel 3). Is it a personality thing in that I stay where most would give up? I'm working on my 'issues' and this had totally escaped me until now. Is always being the dumpee an issue I should worry about?
D-Lish Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 I will always try to make things work, even when they are utterly hopeless (rel 3). I'd say that has more to do with what is going on than anything else. You'll choose to stay involved in a relationship even though all the signs indicate that it is hopeless. Perhaps it boils down to how you feel about yourself- which in turn influences the kind of men you choose to date. If you don't have a healthy self esteem, it makes sense that you won't choose good partners. If that's the case, you set yourself up for failure with each of these relationships. I wouldn't look at this as always being the one who gets dumped- I'd look at it from the angle of who it is you are choosing to date in the first place that often ends up in heartache. It sounds like you are willing to stay in relationships even when they make you unhappy, or you foresee them never working. I suspect that if you had a stronger sense of self esteem and confidence in yourself that you would not only start choosing better partners- but you would be the one choosing to be the dumper.
northstar1 Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 I've just realised that I am always the dumpee. Rel 1, 3 months, he dumped me (he vanished) Rel 2, 3 months, he dumped me (but I was glad about it) Rel 3, 42 months, I dumped him (abusive and dangerous) Rel 4, 6 months, he dumped me (gutted) Rel 5, 36 months, he dumped me (uber gutted) The only relationship where I was the dumper was because I was forced to end things. I did everything I could to make it work, but in the end, staying was doing more harm than good to us both. I don't consider my self the 'dumper' exactly, I had no choice. I've never just got bored and buggered off, or 'suffered from grass is greener' or anything like 1, 2, 4 and 5 did to me. I will always try to make things work, even when they are utterly hopeless (rel 3). Is it a personality thing in that I stay where most would give up? I'm working on my 'issues' and this had totally escaped me until now. Is always being the dumpee an issue I should worry about? Question for you - have you ever been a relationship, unsure about it, wondered if you should end it, but haven't because you were scared to walk away, or be alone?
carhill Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 Fear of being alone? Fear of not being liked, or fear of being thought/talked about negatively, whether true or not? Fear is a strong motivator. If you are getting dumped by people you choose (men approach you and you choose amongst them), you can look at two separate issues: 1. The signals you send out which attract a certain type of man to you. 2. The criteria you use to choose amongst them. Additionally, you can look at the process by which you progress from being independent to completely invested in a relationship, both in time and emotion expended.
sunshinegirl Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 What's your relationship w/ your parents like? My guess is you're replicating familiar patterns and/or trying to "fix" things that went wrong years ago w/ one or both of your parents. Psych 101 as some people on this site would say, but in my case it explains much of my dating choices and behaviors.
orangehose Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 I agree with the previous posters - it could just be bad luck and statistics, or it could be holding on to guys with whom things maybe shouldn't have gone further than a few dates. I have a female friend who's been through a string of failed relationships recently, and really, I could have guessed in the first few weeks that each of those relationships would fail, just based on some MAJOR issue that the guy had, or in other cases, some major incompatibility (i.e., she chooses some devout member of a different religion). Most likely, you're just a little too tolerant of ****heads
Author PhoenixFromTheFlames Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 Most likely, you're just a little too tolerant of ****heads Well this is certainly true! What's your relationship w/ your parents like? My guess is you're replicating familiar patterns and/or trying to "fix" things that went wrong years ago w/ one or both of your parents. Divorced parents. No memory of them ever getting on, no idea how they managed to have kids! They can barely stand to be in the same room after 20 years apart. I never want a relationship like that. I'll work very hard in a relationship not to end up like them. Do you think I put up with too much crap to avoid splitting up? Fear of being alone? Fear of not being liked, or fear of being thought/talked about negatively, whether true or not? Fear is a strong motivator. If you are getting dumped by people you choose (men approach you and you choose amongst them), you can look at two separate issues: 1. The signals you send out which attract a certain type of man to you. 2. The criteria you use to choose amongst them. Additionally, you can look at the process by which you progress from being independent to completely invested in a relationship, both in time and emotion expended. I am very, very cautious in relationships. No 'I love you' for about a year. I take things slow, don't go loopy in infatuation etc... Wouldn't say i'm scared of being alone or anything. I have a fear of being dependent on the person i'm dating. I prefer to rely on myself and only ask for help if I have to. There is always a break between relationships. I have an older men thing (is that relevant?). 10-15 years age difference is usual. Question for you - have you ever been a relationship, unsure about it, wondered if you should end it, but haven't because you were scared to walk away, or be alone? Rel 3, the abusive one. I was scared to walk away, but that was because of the mind games that go with that sort of relationship. I wanted out a long time before I left. I sort of expect there to be rocky times, I like the challenge of getting through them instead of giving up. I suppose I more readily look for the good and gloss over the bad. I wouldn't look at this as always being the one who gets dumped- I'd look at it from the angle of who it is you are choosing to date in the first place that often ends up in heartache. I have spectacularly bad taste. Up until rel 4 I had v. low self-esteem. I could have done alot better than the bunch of losers previous to that one. I don't mean to sound arrogant, but they really were the dreggs. It was my badboy phase, that's over now thankfully. I'm soo much better now though and this last guy especially is everything I want in a guy, I wasn't settling. For the first time, people in my life actually liked the guy I was dating etc.. I was genuinely happy and thought we were well matched.
lino Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 My situation is quite different to yours since I've never been in a serious relationship, just several mini ones of which none lasted longer than 3 months - but I'm always the one getting dumped too, I've never dumped any girl in my entire life I can definitely say that in my case it's because I'm sick of being alone and would like something to work for once - still hasn't happened though 1
roghornio Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 What have you learned out them all? What is the usual reason for you being dumped… if you look hard enough there will be a reasons. You need to learn each time and not make that mistake again. I have been in several relationships myself. Maybe 8 plus 15 or so “couple weekers”. The longest was 8, then 6 then the majority are around 4 or 5 months. I find that around that time I start to panic that they don’t feel the same and push to much. That’s my lesson, and I try to work on that. The last one was the first one where it just felt right. But as usual I ****ed it up. next tim ei wont make that mistake!!
sunshinegirl Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 Divorced parents. No memory of them ever getting on, no idea how they managed to have kids! They can barely stand to be in the same room after 20 years apart. I never want a relationship like that. I'll work very hard in a relationship not to end up like them. Do you think I put up with too much crap to avoid splitting up? That's probably part of it. I asked about your relationship with each of your parents. You might find more clues there. For instance, for me, my dad is quite distant/aloof. I know he loves me but he doesn't show it. Is it a surprise that I seek (even more) distant/aloof men? My mom, in a certain way, had some narcissistic tendencies. Is it a surprise that I choose men who are narcissistic or otherwise selfish? Keep in mind I've only realized these patterns in the last two months. I think most of us are rather unconscious of how our primary family relationships affect our romantic choices.
carhill Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 I am very, very cautious in relationships. No 'I love you' for about a year. I take things slow, don't go loopy in infatuation etc... Wouldn't say i'm scared of being alone or anything. I have a fear of being dependent on the person i'm dating. I prefer to rely on myself and only ask for help if I have to. There is always a break between relationships. I have an older men thing (is that relevant?). 10-15 years age difference is usual. This is a good place for me to ask for some help. How do people share themselves physically, emotionally and spiritually for such a long time without expressing that very same sentiment verbally? I can understand being reticent about saying "I love you" in general (I was "afraid" of that for many years), but with someone you're completely intimate with? I don't understand..... Perhaps the way the OP becomes attached and intimate within a dating relationship is part of the reason for her often being the dumpee. The guy senses ambivalence and lack of commitment, regardless of the sex (assumed), and, with no better information to operate on, bails. I don't believe the above method is "wrong"; it's the way OP chooses to approach relationships. Apparently, though, she's picking incompatible men. OP, the above commentary is from someone who was single for 20+ years as an adult and didn't get married until in his 40's and who is very independent. Ones sense of independence should in no way interfere with ones ability to be intimate and interdependent. I think you could try to work on that last part. Again, no issues, but you seem concerned about a pattern. I'm trying to make sense of it P.S. - the poster above me does shed light, IMO, since I do know I had a safe and loving childhood and two good role models for parents. No one is perfect, but I now know I was very fortunate. The downside is I tend to see the best in people (as that was my life example growing up) and often get blindsided. Strangely, it still doesn't dampen my propensity to be open and intimate. That's got to be hard wired socialization.
kate0977 Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 I can identify with you, I had one long term relationship with so many signs things shoudl have ended. We got engaged and I tried to force myself to be happy. He dumped me now and I'm left asking myself why I didn't do it first? I tried to make everything work and stuck through all his ****, when it definately was not worth it!!! Just realize this in yourself for next time and trust your instincts. Don't force things to work, it will only lead to unhappiness.
Author PhoenixFromTheFlames Posted July 23, 2008 Author Posted July 23, 2008 How do people share themselves physically, emotionally and spiritually for such a long time without expressing that very same sentiment verbally? I always explain to whoever i'm seeing that I will only say the words only when i'm sure it's real. I know the differerence between infatuation and love, and I wait for the deeper connection before expressing it. It usually takes about a year to know even the essence of someone, accept who they are faults and all etc.., and make the decision to really love them. You will have survived the honeymoon period, and probably a few road bumps, and will have an understanding of them beyond the good impression we all emitt in the early days. I know how much it hurts to have those words spoken meaninglessly, or worse simply taken back. I don't love you anymore is a tough pill to swallow. I am by no means a cold fish though, nor aloof. I will always show them they are special to me, I'm extremely affectionate and loving, I just don't lable it. I always make sure that they know i'm on the road to 'love' though, and that i'm committed. guy senses ambivalence and lack of commitment, regardless of the sex (assumed), and, with no better information to operate on, bails. No, I know it's not this. I show love in many more ways, it's just not labled in the first flush. I even got the 'you love me more than I love you' line. Ones sense of independence should in no way interfere with ones ability to be intimate and interdependent. I think you could try to work on that last part. I will! P.S. - the poster above me does shed light. Agreed.
Author PhoenixFromTheFlames Posted July 23, 2008 Author Posted July 23, 2008 I asked about your relationship with each of your parents. How long have you got! Kidding. The basics: Dad bailed after the divorce. He lived nearby but I rarely saw him. It started out seeing him a few times a week, then dwindled to special occasions only after the age of 10. We have a strained relationship even now. He just wasn't able. Emotionally distant I suppose. Mum is used to being alone, and has been for years. She was my sole parent in many respects. From her I know I don't need a relationship, I choose to have one. She was independent through necessity, not necessarily by choice. I think i'm over the abandonment (father) issues. I know i've had issues in the past with this. I fell into the abusive relationship because of them. When I got out, I thought i'd dealt with my demons.
carhill Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 No, I know it's not this. I show love in many more ways, it's just not labled in the first flush. I even got the 'you love me more than I love you' line. When do you hear this? I ask because men can say such things as a precursor to dumping. It's IMO a false projection of their feelings that they aren't invested. They make themselves sound inferior, like you're "better" than them. Regardless, a healthy man tells you how he feels about you, not how he thinks you feel about him. Watch for that Taking your time is commendable, and, if only casually dating someone for a year (like a couple times a month), very appropriate. But, if you're seeing and talking to each other daily or otherwise often, and especially if you're having sex, a year is a long time to figure out whether it's "real" or not. It might not seem that way when you're young, but it is Oh, P.S., and this is something our MC has taught me, love that I feel I am showing is not always received in the same way by my wife as I intended it. Sometimes, the "language" is off (I don't mean verbal language). So, even though I might think I am very loving, my wife doesn't necessarily receive it that way. Too complex for a forum posting, but it is nevertheless an important dynamic....
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