can't seem to get along with this one girl in my group of friends

[my body is a cage]

Hi everybody,

 

I just finished my freshmen year of college, and developed a pretty solid group of girlfriends there. I am close with two of them, and very close with one of them, who is going to be my roommate next year. There are three others who I am friends with, but out of the whole group, this one girl and I are definitely the closest (I will call her Girl A).

 

However, Girl A is also very close with this one girl in the group, who I will call Girl B. Girl B and I outwardly appear to be friends, and get along, but I get the feeling she doesn't actually like me. I can have a tendency to be paranoid in social situations, but I just can't grasp how this girl thinks: we are very different people.

 

To be honest, I think she's kind of boring. She's very conventional, basically the stereotype of a typical dramatic girl: for example, once she started bawling and created a huge scene because Girl A was at a party and didn't hear her cellphone ring when Girl B called her, so she had to wait outside for like 5 minutes. I, on the other hand, am the type of person who would probably be momentarily pissed, but then be like ok whatever if they want to call me they will and call someone else immediately and not think about it again. I'm not saying one response is better; I just don't understand why someone would react that way.

 

Girl B is a perfectly nice person, although I know for a fact that it is sometimes fake. Thats what worries me; she acts nice to everyone so I don't know what she is actually thinking about me. I feel like she thinks I'm crazy or a mess or something; she is such a buzzkill at parties I feel like she judges me for having fun. Girl A has agreed with me that Girl B is definitely not "fun," although she wants to be.

 

However, Girl B has a lot of friends that she seems to get along with just because of her super-sweet demeanor. I feel like she just expects people to like her, people who I would be intimidated by, and want to like me, but would just assume that they would never like me. I'm not shy once you get to know me, but I am pretty shy at first (although people always tell me I come off as really intimidating at first). She is very concerned with knowing the "right" people, and I don't really understand why these people like her so much because in my opinion shes not that interesting at all! But maybe you don't have to be interesting to get friends, just nice.

 

She thinks a lot of people who I find interesting are "weird," and I get the feeling she thinks I'm "weird" too. I'm not sure, maybe she's jealous of my relationship with Girl A or something, but Girl A and I are really similar so I don't know why she likes Girl A and not me? Idk, it just bothers me that we can't get along and I feel like I am socially inept because she is clearly socially ept and doesn't seem to like me.

 

Everyone else in our group of girlfriends has exchanged "hi, how has your summer been?"s with her at least, and we haven't made any effort to contact each other. Basically, my question is, should I leave her a facebook comment or something asking her how her summer went? What if she didn;t respond? Would that be the ultimate "I don't actually like you"?

[Virgo1982]

Hi everybody,

 

I just finished my freshmen year of college, and developed a pretty solid group of girlfriends there. I am close with two of them, and very close with one of them, who is going to be my roommate next year. There are three others who I am friends with, but out of the whole group, this one girl and I are definitely the closest (I will call her Girl A).

 

However, Girl A is also very close with this one girl in the group, who I will call Girl B. Girl B and I outwardly appear to be friends, and get along, but I get the feeling she doesn't actually like me. I can have a tendency to be paranoid in social situations, but I just can't grasp how this girl thinks: we are very different people.

 

To be honest, I think she's kind of boring. She's very conventional, basically the stereotype of a typical dramatic girl: for example, once she started bawling and created a huge scene because Girl A was at a party and didn't hear her cellphone ring when Girl B called her, so she had to wait outside for like 5 minutes. I, on the other hand, am the type of person who would probably be momentarily pissed, but then be like ok whatever if they want to call me they will and call someone else immediately and not think about it again. I'm not saying one response is better; I just don't understand why someone would react that way.

 

Girl B is a perfectly nice person, although I know for a fact that it is sometimes fake. Thats what worries me; she acts nice to everyone so I don't know what she is actually thinking about me. I feel like she thinks I'm crazy or a mess or something; she is such a buzzkill at parties I feel like she judges me for having fun. Girl A has agreed with me that Girl B is definitely not "fun," although she wants to be.

 

However, Girl B has a lot of friends that she seems to get along with just because of her super-sweet demeanor. I feel like she just expects people to like her, people who I would be intimidated by, and want to like me, but would just assume that they would never like me. I'm not shy once you get to know me, but I am pretty shy at first (although people always tell me I come off as really intimidating at first). She is very concerned with knowing the "right" people, and I don't really understand why these people like her so much because in my opinion shes not that interesting at all! But maybe you don't have to be interesting to get friends, just nice.

 

She thinks a lot of people who I find interesting are "weird," and I get the feeling she thinks I'm "weird" too. I'm not sure, maybe she's jealous of my relationship with Girl A or something, but Girl A and I are really similar so I don't know why she likes Girl A and not me? Idk, it just bothers me that we can't get along and I feel like I am socially inept because she is clearly socially ept and doesn't seem to like me.

 

Everyone else in our group of girlfriends has exchanged "hi, how has your summer been?"s with her at least, and we haven't made any effort to contact each other. Basically, my question is, should I leave her a facebook comment or something asking her how her summer went? What if she didn;t respond? Would that be the ultimate "I don't actually like you"?

 

It sounds like it's your insecurity. You haven't given a good reason to think she doesn't like you. You are analyzing and speculating. Maybe she can sense the apprehension and your lack of comfort around her.

[Ronni_W]

Perhaps it is that your truth is that you don't understand her, so you assume that must be her truth, too...that she doesn't understand you? And perhaps you believe that people must first understand you if they are ever going to like you?

 

But. Just because she isn't like you, just because she doesn't share your preferences and style and personality does NOT mean that she can't appreciate the differences. She CAN like you even if you are different than she is!

 

So maybe it is about starting to appreciate the differences, yourself? Accepting that each of you has your own set of many positives and some 'negatives'.

 

There's nothing inherently "wrong" with being a buzzkill or "weird" or a party animal. It's just a preference of personal expression. In any case, "weird" by whose standards? Who gets to choose what is "weird" for you? Nobody, is who. YOU get to play your Life by your own wisdom and rules (as long as they don't infringe upon the rights of others to do the same, of course.)

 

She may be just fine with who she is, and therefore not have any need to judge you about all the traits for which you are so harshly judging yourself.

And you are fine the way you are -- no need to judge her harshly (fake, buzzkill, dramatic, etc.)

 

I agree with Virgo...your perceptions and assumptions about what she MIGHT be thinking are merely reflecting your own thoughts...what you ARE thinking. Your own thoughts and self-judgments are creating your "evidence" that she doesn't like you. But, as Virgo said, there isn't any REAL evidence to back that up.

[my body is a cage]

Perhaps it is that your truth is that you don't understand her, so you assume that must be her truth, too...that she doesn't understand you? And perhaps you believe that people must first understand you if they are ever going to like you?

 

But. Just because she isn't like you, just because she doesn't share your preferences and style and personality does NOT mean that she can't appreciate the differences. She CAN like you even if you are different than she is!

 

So maybe it is about starting to appreciate the differences, yourself? Accepting that each of you has your own set of many positives and some 'negatives'.

 

There's nothing inherently "wrong" with being a buzzkill or "weird" or a party animal. It's just a preference of personal expression. In any case, "weird" by whose standards? Who gets to choose what is "weird" for you? Nobody, is who. YOU get to play your Life by your own wisdom and rules (as long as they don't infringe upon the rights of others to do the same, of course.)

 

She may be just fine with who she is, and therefore not have any need to judge you about all the traits for which you are so harshly judging yourself.

And you are fine the way you are -- no need to judge her harshly (fake, buzzkill, dramatic, etc.)

 

I agree with Virgo...your perceptions and assumptions about what she MIGHT be thinking are merely reflecting your own thoughts...what you ARE thinking. Your own thoughts and self-judgments are creating your "evidence" that she doesn't like you. But, as Virgo said, there isn't any REAL evidence to back that up.

 

hmm. well thank you for your advice!

 

i mean, all of this is a possibility but there also is the possibility that she just doesn't like me for some reason. i tend to create this self perpetuating expectation of social rejection for myself, but i mean, sometimes people just don't like each other, you know? im pretty perceptive.

 

i do have some more concrete evidence:

 

Girl A, Girl B, and Girl C (the other girl that I am the most close to in the group) all applied and got into this housing program next year. We had to figure out who was gonna be roommates with who, and neither Girl A or Girl C wanted to be roommates with Girl B because she is soooo highly strung, haha. In discussing it with Girl A, she said and of course you and Girl B wouldnt be roommates because that would just be weird. Not that you guys aren't friends, but... and i was like yeahhh. I mean, its clearly noticable that we don't actually have any sort of connection.

 

Also, another time she was on the phone with her dad while we were all in the room. This one im not entirely sure about: she was discussing the housing situation, and it seemed like she was explaining to her dad who i was. she said something along the lines of, "yeah no its not like we don't get along, shes certainly interesting... shes kind of superficial, you know, very into fashion, and she has a serious alcoholic problem but that is none of my business...' (fyi i dont have an alcoholic problem, she doesnt go out that often but i have invited to her to parties with this group of kids that all tend to get wasted at times, and it seems like shes just always been there to witness it.) im not sure if im being paranoid or not, but thats really what it seemed like to me, and later she said they dont know what im talking about, and then she left the room.

 

also, the fact that she hasnt contacted me says something doesnt it?

 

i also know for a fact that she IS very judgemental and not entirely fine with herself. im not trying to say taht as a judgement on her, just pointing out that i have heard her say mean things about people NUMEROUS times.

 

thanks for the input tho!

[Ronni_W]

I mean, its clearly noticable that we don't actually have any sort of connection.

Well, yes...that's EXACTLY how it works ~ my guess is that even a blind person would be able to 'see' how disconnected you both are from each other.

 

So, for the others in the group to notice it and be able to recognize that you wouldn't make good roommates at this stage also isn't rocket science -- it does NOT mean that she has said anything at all about you...it just means that your friends ain't stoopid or blind .

 

And yes, I'm just throwing out some possibilities for consideration ~~ it definitely is up to you to assess it and decide for yourself what is your reality about the matter.

 

Your insight about what you both have in common is pretty cool ~~ each kind of uncomfortable with the Self, and maybe a tad too judgmental for the self's good. It is possible that you each are mirroring aspects of each other, and not liking what you see in the 'mirror', so to speak.

 

The other possibility is that you are each secretly admiring SOME traits that the other has. For example, she may LOVE to be able to express a little more of her "weird" self (cos let's face it, EVERYONE has a bit of that inside of them) but she just can't express this part of herself as freely as you can. And you may really like to have just a bit of that more-immediate acceptance that she seems to achieve with other people.

 

In this case, what sometimes happens is that the subconscious admiration comes out side-ways (through judgment), and feels like a dislike. But that's only cos we think we are lacking that particular trait...we'd rather say we dislike it than risk being disappointed that we don't have it or can't somehow develop it.

 

The thing is that everyone has a little bit of everything inside of them -- based on our upbringing and such, we're just more comfortable expressing 'this' trait over 'that' one. Also, we could not admire (or dislike) anything that we don't already have ourselves -- the mind isn't set-up to do that.

 

Not sure if any of above is useful, though. In terms of how to begin to find someone else acceptable...they're really just there on the outside, to help us find peace with those things that we find "undesirable" in them because that is what we deep-down think is "wrong/bad' with us on the inside.

 

It's an inaccurate belief, of course -- you are perfectly fine on the inside! So then it's a matter of breaking down the inaccurate belief and putting in place a really strong belief that totally affirms all your positives, strengths, talents and skills.

[my body is a cage]

Your insight about what you both have in common is pretty cool ~~ each kind of uncomfortable with the Self, and maybe a tad too judgmental for the self's good. It is possible that you each are mirroring aspects of each other, and not liking what you see in the 'mirror', so to speak.

 

 

Thats really interesting, I hadn't thought of that, thanks! Your whole post was very helpful and showed me an interesting perspective.

 

Youre right that deep down I guess I feel like she would be correct in not liking me. I know I have to work on that, and I wish I knew how though! I guess if I was completely comfortable with myself it wouldn't bother me if she liked me or not.

[Ronni_W]

I guess if I was completely comfortable with myself it wouldn't bother me if she liked me or not.

Yes, exactly. But the process to get to a place of deeply, truly liking and loving one's self does take a great deal of commitment and effort -- it really is a 'journey' that is made so much easier if one has an itinerary, map and compass. For me, I found it invaluable to work with a "travel guide" in the form of an individual therapist.

 

Another part of deeply, truly liking and loving the self is being comfortable in one's own skin - not with body shape and weight but on some deeper level. That's something I've struggled with, too. More like I don't belong in a body...ANY body. So there are times when it does feel 'weird' and 'alien' and very limiting.

If your username is about that, I'd be happy to share my personal beliefs - again, just to put it out for something to consider.

 

 

If you don't mind my disagreeing with you: That friend (or anyone else) would not be "correct" in disliking you. What they are doing is just ensuring that they don't all-of-a-sudden get aspirations to try to get out of the box that they have created for themselves.

 

They live in fear of being different than their "ideal" self-image (whatever that may be), and they harshly judge people who express those aspects that they're afraid of -- as if we are going to "infect" them with our weirdness and passion and lust for Life!

 

But there is nothing "wrong" or unacceptable or unlikable about us -- it is just their own fears that influence them to need to see us like that.

 

On the other side, we're afraid that they are going to 'infect' us -- limit us to the point where we'll stop feeling comfortable expressing our weirdness and passion and lust for Life.

So...there is nothing "wrong" or unacceptable or unlikable about them, either -- it is just our own fears that influence us to need to see them like that.

[Virgo1982]

You guys got some good stuff here! Appreciate what you have to offer. Don't focus on being like others or fitting in. Be yourself, but look inward to grow. Take the initiative to be more friendly toward her and you might all be friends. If not, at least you tried. She might sense your apprehension.

[my body is a cage]

hmmmm.... i left a comment on her facebook asking her how her summer was going in an attempt to be nice... she hasnt responded...

 

thats mean...

[Ronni_W]

i left a comment ... in an attempt to be nice...

she hasnt responded... thats mean...

On the other hand, "attempting" to be nice isn't the same as just being it...maybe she felt the "fake nice" vibe and wasn't particularly attracted to it?

Or her lack of response could just be an indication that you currently have a higher understanding of things than she does.

 

No matter what though, you do not have to resort to judging her as "mean" or anything else -- you can if you want to, but you don't have to.

 

Just be the person YOU want to be...without "attempting" to be and do what isn't really in YOUR heart, and without any expectation of getting something in return.

That is, BE nice for yourself, not because you want a response back or because you want to be seen or treated a specific way.

 

(Hope it all makes a bit of sense...can be confusing .)

[my body is a cage]

On the other hand, "attempting" to be nice isn't the same as just being it...maybe she felt the "fake nice" vibe and wasn't particularly attracted to it?

Or her lack of response could just be an indication that you currently have a higher understanding of things than she does.

 

No matter what though, you do not have to resort to judging her as "mean" or anything else -- you can if you want to, but you don't have to.

 

Just be the person YOU want to be...without "attempting" to be and do what isn't really in YOUR heart, and without any expectation of getting something in return.

That is, BE nice for yourself, not because you want a response back or because you want to be seen or treated a specific way.

 

(Hope it all makes a bit of sense...can be confusing .)

 

well i do want to be a nice person who gets along with people, which is why i contacted her. i do sincerely want to get along. i think it would just be common courtesy to respond to that, and she didnt, which i find rude. it seems that she does not want to attempt to be nice/ get along.

[D-Lish]

We're not always going to click with everyone... that's just the way life is.... I think you just have to accept that it's OKAY!

 

There is a girl in my circle of friends that is sweet as pie- nicest girl on the planet. Never has anything bad to say about anyone, is always polite and happy. BUT... for some reason, I just don't like her much. I can't put my finger on why she annoys me... she just does. I just remain civil and polite to her whenever I see her and concentrate on having fun with the people I do "click with". I'd never let this girl know she bugs me (that would be mean)... I just keep my feelings to myself.

 

One thing I have learned over the years is that you can't force a friendship! We don't have to love and adore everyone we meet, and we can't expect that everyone that meets us will like us either.

 

Hey, you reached out to her- you were being the bigger person. I think that was rather nice of you. Those little exchanges are what will keep the group dynamics in sync. You make a little sacrifice here and there for the greater good of the group. If she can't respond, it's definetely HER problem, not yours.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if she is envious of your friendship with your mutual friend... hmmm, we know how girls are at times! lol.

 

Just concentrate on what you CAN control... chemistry simply isn't something you can force. The only thing you can control is how you deal with her when she is around. If she chooses to be rude or make little comments about you within earshot, she's the one with the problem then- not you. So leave her problem with her... and continue to engage in the friendships that make you happy.

 

I spent so much time and energy trying to engage my friend's girlfriend who was rude and mean to me.... It was such a waste of my time and energy. I finally reconciled with the fact that she was never going to like or accept me, and I gave up trying.

 

When she's nice to you- be civil back.... if she is rude or difficult, ignore her.

[Virgo1982]

There is a girl in my circle of friends that is sweet as pie- nicest girl on the planet. Never has anything bad to say about anyone, is always polite and happy. BUT... for some reason, I just don't like her much. I can't put my finger on why she annoys me... she just does.

 

Is it because you don't feel like she's genuine?