after_therain Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 Hello, just looking for some advice here from the female or male gender, actually both perspectives would help. I am currently just finishing up a divorce and on the dating scene again. It didn't take me long to get my feet wet so to speak, and I thought(maybe there's still a possibility) he was a nice guy. We've been seeing each other for about a month, and our relationship had never reached the sex level until the night before last. I did not want to go there, as I didn't want to rush things. Things got pretty heated and I gave nonverbal cues, that I did not want to go there. I was fine with some petting,heavy kissing etc, as we have done that before. Anyway,as for the nonverbal cues I gave first, I stopped his hand from trying to take my underwear off, he'd stop then move to something else. He'd come back to it again and I told him verbally "not yet"(meaning not now, not tonight etc) He was just like, why, it's ok, I'll be careful. I know I should have just stopped him right there, but I let him continue with other things. Then he became really fast and agressive asking me to just please let him. He said it in such a way that I felt bad for saying no in the first place. I said, wait I don't want to do this, and he just kept saying, it's going to be alright, just relax . I did not protest during the act, because it was already being done. It was probably my fault for giving him mixed signals, but part of me feels like he took advantage of it, and the other part of me is mad at myself for not standing my ground. No I am not crying rape, but I do feel violated. Now I'm just confused wondering if I sent too many mixed messages, or if he would have stopped if I was more firm?
xpaperxcutx Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 Better set some boundaries. You've already said no a couple of times, that in no way asks that you should feel guilty for saying it. He took advantage by being all sweet and saying it's going to be alright. That's a really low tactic for guys trying to get girls into bed with them. I don't think you should see him anymore if you feel violated. Or at least be more firm in your tone next time around. Don't let him coerce you into doing something you don't want to do.
Touche Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 Good guys don't push for sex after you've said no. But you were also sending mixed messages. I agree that you shouldn't see him anymore. He's not a gentleman and you feel violated. Not a good start. I'd keep dating. And learn from this. Don't send any more mixed messages. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Gemini0525 Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 Good guys don't push for sex after you've said no. But you were also sending mixed messages. I agree that you shouldn't see him anymore. He's not a gentleman and you feel violated. Not a good start. I'd keep dating. And learn from this. Don't send any more mixed messages. Say what you mean and mean what you say. I TOTALLY agree and I wouldn't see him anymore if I were you, either. This guy is NOT genuinely interested in YOU - he's only interested in what HE wants and it appears that he has zero respect for you. Please don't let this set you back... remember that there are TONS of fish in the sea... you don't have to settle for anything less than what you want. I wish you the best!!
aubree1982 Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 I don't know if I would go so far as to say don't see him again. If you feel a connection with him then next time you see him you should have a talk with him and express that you would like to get to know him more and that feel sex will get in the way of that. Don't say you regret it, or wish you didn't do it because that will only hurt his feelings and may confuss him because you obviously didn't fight him off. Just make sure you set your boundries with him and stick to them. If he's a good guy he will respect it. Otherwise if he tries again and won't stop when you tell him to them yes, you should not see him again. Good luck!
woods321 Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Why don't you have sex with him? Maybe I am more old fashioned, but i don't understand the whole "Lets go to each others homes and fool around, but no sex". If you aren't ready for sex, then keep the dates public. Then there is no confusion. I read at least 5 threads on here in the past week in which women feel the man is not a gentleman , or too fast, or too aggressive, or almost claiming rape. But this can simply be avoided by not playing games, sending mixed signals, hanging at each others homes, etc. Many of you women just don't understand. Men think about sex ALOT. Men basically do everything in their lives to have sex. Then you put yourself alone with him, get all hot, he is that close to what he thinks about every waking moment, and you say no. And then expect him to stop completely, be very nice and happy, and carry on the conversation. Americans seem to be really sexually repressed. And to be fair IT GOES BOTH WAYS. Do you have any idea of how badly women are hurt if you deny sex to them, and THEY want it. They don't feel desirable, attractive, it makes them insecure etc. He is not a jerk at all. He is human. At some level we are all animals.
Star Gazer Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Why don't you have sex with him? WHAT?!?!?! I read at least 5 threads on here in the past week in which women feel the man is not a gentleman , or too fast, or too aggressive, or almost claiming rape. But this can simply be avoided by not playing games, sending mixed signals, hanging at each others homes, etc. Many of you women just don't understand. Men think about sex ALOT. Men basically do everything in their lives to have sex. Then you put yourself alone with him, get all hot, he is that close to what he thinks about every waking moment, and you say no. And then expect him to stop completely, be very nice and happy, and carry on the conversation. Americans seem to be really sexually repressed. And to be fair IT GOES BOTH WAYS. Do you have any idea of how badly women are hurt if you deny sex to them, and THEY want it. They don't feel desirable, attractive, it makes them insecure etc. He is not a jerk at all. He is human. At some level we are all animals. You've GOT to be kidding me! Man, you've got some nerve. She PROTESTED the entire time BEFORE he entered her (as I read it). She made it clear to him he didn't want to have sex, and he became fast and aggressive. He IS a jerk, and I might even go as far to say he raped her. You literally remind me of the bar men in The Accused.
woods321 Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 In America guilt is associated with sex for many women. Afterwards they feel guilt. Before they feel guilt. They send very mixed signals. At this point, how can this woman make sure this does not happen again.(Along with many of the other women on these threads) You have 2 choices. A. Call the man names, which sends the message that he is just some bad guy, not a gentleman, etc. All this would do is encourage her to putting herself in the same situation again and again, as this was just a bad guy. And it would keep happening again. B. Or, focus on her actions, so that in the future she knows that it isn't prudent to send mixed signals, be alone with men and get really heavy then stop, etc. Or, if she still puts herself in this situation she needs to MAKE IT CLEAR that she does not want sex. That means leave. Why put men in that situation? If a woman goes to 100 mens homes and is all over each of them, a very large percentage would try for more. They might not be gentleman by your definition. But by my definition a lady does not go to a mans home and decide to heavy pet,get naked, etc, get him going as much as she can, then say no. A lady wouldn't even be there in the first place. But we are in the age of sexual equality. If women can't handle it, maybe they should go back to being old fashioned ladies. That means UNDERSTANDING THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN, especially when it comes to sex. Then there would be little confusion or problems.
justakid Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 It sucks that you went through that. And you were violated. He did take advantage of you. He is an *******... don't apologize for him. Having sex with you when you explicitly did not consent to it sounds like rape to me. it sounds like you assumed he was some sort of decent human being and figuring that if you told him you didn't want to do something, then he'd respect that... which isn't a crime. good luck finding better people in future =) (woods321 is basically not worthy of attention or reply)
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