The Elephant in the room! Too late?

[Warm]

My Story.

 

Hi all. My girlfriend of 10 years broke it off with me 4 weeks ago. I don’t blame her for this. She is completely faultless. Remember that this is 10 year relationship so I’m gonna be throwing loads of stuff in your direction in the following post! I hope you can follow it. I’m a bit messy! But I think it makes for an interesting read.

 

The two of us had been together since I was 19 and she was 21. Fairytale stuff . (damn I've just got another text from a friend telling me we were made for each other...). We never fought, never cheated on each other, were always really really intimate, but at the end of the day, like guys do, I took her for granted.

But unfortunately this is the second, yes, second time, I have taken her for granted so its really painful right now. Trust me the tears I cry every day are for her not me. But I have had my own problems to deal with, so girls please don’t judge me yet until you have read on!

 

First of all let me get all the bad stuff of my chest.

 

I have had an unhealthy obsession with music all my life, but I’m sure this is what she found most attractive about me in the first place. You all love troubadours don’t you girls? . I was kind of a shy, lost and troubled soul; but then this Goddess came along and I finally felt I had been ‘saved’ from my destructive self. Unfortunately this constant battle within me was not over and ended up having a detrimental affect on our relationship over the years.

 

I dropped out of college in my final year of an IT degree (just after we had stared going out). But I still got a job in the industry my (almost) degree was based on, but it was kind of piecemeal. It wasn’t perfect but I did it even though my heart wasn’t in it!

The first three years were amazing, but after a while I started resenting her from not letting me "do my music" and being stuck in a rut in my job. The facts of the matter are that she bent over backwards for me in this regard. Towards the end of those first three years, it wasn’t 'perfect' anymore (puppy love wearing off?) and we broke up for a year when she wanted to go travelling .I thought this was the best thing for both of us and we got back straight away when she returned. I’m not into the whole one night stand thingy but she sounded like she had a great time meeting other guys during this year and good for her! I could accept that. Anyway after she came back from travelling she ended up living 4 hours away from me... so now it was pretty difficult for us to see each other but we still did. Anyway while she was away a really good mate of mine (and hers) died from cancer at the age of 25. This lethal combination of ‘mania’ with music (ie not being able to finish stuff/tortured artist kind of thing), deadend job, debt and watching my friend die, tipped me right over the edge. I basically slipped into depression, but it manifested itself in very scary physical symptoms. I went insane with fear, and I ended up dumping her by text. I don’t even remember this happening (that it was by SMS)! She reminded me of this a few weeks ago! I was living in fear of having MS or ALS and going for tests to find out what was wrong with me. After negative tests it was suggested that I should see a doctor about anxiety & depression. I went to the doctor and the first thing he said was.. you should go see a psychologist! When I heard that word “psychologist” I felt that was enough for me to snap out of it. I don’t need a psychologist, or a few valiums I thought, I can fix myself. So I started taking some action.

 

So I started meditating, left the dead end job, moved home to my parents to sort my stuff out. It was at this stage I begged for her back. Nothing would work (I had utterly devastated her by dumping her), but I found a way to her heart when I wrote a nice colored letter with lots of glitter and stuff promising I would change etc. I had neglected her needs and I knew it. I wrote everything down on that letter that I could, except for one dark secret that I could not bring myself to mention. As I licked that letter I made a promise in my head to sort this ‘secret’ of mine for both our sakes. I knew this was the elephant in the room. But I ended up ignoring\accepting it rather than leading it out into the light.

 

So this Goddess took me back and I regained her trust. I lived at home with the parents for a year, got a job contracting and saved up enough money in that year to pay off my debts and save enough to put back through college. I had decided that I would go back to university and finish the final year of my degree that I had abandoned when we had started going out. I wanted to change my career path as I wanted to be able to provide for her properly. I went back for the final year and guess what? I got the highest marks in the class. I even got a letter from the head of the university about my results! A’s everywhere! I couldn’t believe. I went from being a complete failure to feeling so good about myself! I was turning things around. When I was studying I always felt it was for a better future for the both of us. Music & the mania took the back seat. I didn’t care about it in that way anymore. I aced it. The next day after those exams my folks came and picked me up from the university. The minute I got home I was back studying again. I had gotten the degree, so the next step was to get a good job which was near to where she lived. So I spent another 5 months at home studying more, doing my best to get the perfect job. I was getting a bit pissed off after months of trying, but it worked out amazingly in the end. I finally got an interview for a company I wanted to work for but the location wasn’t perfect. 90 mins from her ,but it was a start. Now I went to that interview the most determined person in the world and oh my god did it pay off. I got offered 8k more than I had asked for in my application. They even told me that they paid all their graduates x amount of money, but because of how impressed they were with me they ended up offering me 8k more. I had done it. Wow, I had turned my life around!. We were gonna be comfortable now. I had done this for both of us. I couldn’t believe it. On top of the world! This was only 8 months ago now folks! Life at its highest!

 

But hey. Life has a way of knocking you down when you think you are invincible doesn’t it?!

 

So what happened? Where did I go wrong you are all asking. Well Ill tell you, I may have sorted out my career side of things but the elephant in the room was still there.

I didn’t put the effort into the relationship emotionally I suppose, but this secret has affected my relationship with the whole world and not just my Goddess. She wasn’t the only one that suffered if you know what I mean. I tried to hide away and withdraw from the real world, she tried to pull me back into it. When she dumped me 4 weeks ago I knew that this issue had to be addressed once and for all. This has to be brought to light. I couldn’t deal with it or just ‘accept’ it anymore I had to tell someone what had happened. I had forgotten that promise I made as I sealed the colored glittery letter ™

 

When I was a child something very dark and of a sexual nature happened to me, which I now know was not my own fault. To hear an understanding voice say the words ‘its not your own fault’ was the most relieving thing ever. Your self confidence is formed in your childhood and mine was completly destroyed. I have been paralysed by life since then. Unfortunately for her there was always three people in this relationship.. her, my good side and my ashamed side. It affected me in so many ways. I could have never said that I truly loved myself up until about 3 weeks ago. And how can you fully love someone else when you don’t even love yourself? How could I spend the rest if my life with her when I was holding something back and constantly trying to protect her from this ‘thing’. I was really trying to sort this out though in the best way I could. I had pinpointed the moment when my confidence was shattered after years of suppressing it.

 

The most hurtful part of this breakup, is the fact thatm since I have gone to see a counseller about this, the world looks like such an amazing place. All my fear has left me, I feel so confident and PART OF THE WORLD. I don’t live in my own little version of it anymore.. reality isn’t mine to own, I share it with her & everyone else. And this is what she needed. I hated travelling, sex was guilty for me, I was such a bore & so withdrawn.. I always wanted to be alone and to be able drag her into my world when she has been trying desperately for years to drag me into the REAL world full of amazing people, color and life. All the bits of my life have finally fallen into place, while at the same time the once piece I though was most secure has fallen out. I’m so confused. I’m so elated with life! Yet so devastated. She gave me a chance before, and I sorted alot of my stuff out.. but I needed this breakup for me to be able to sort the elephant in the room.

That’s why its so hurtful. This had to happen.

 

What scares me most is that she is a very emotionally sorted girl and when she makes a decision she sticks to it! That’s why I love her though. So what to do? She has been waiting so long for me to arrive at this point and evantually gave up…. But now I have arrived, and I don’t feel that she will take me back. I feel In love with the world at last but I cant share it with her. Its hard. I don’t need her as a security blanket anymore for the first time in my life & I feel so sexual and compassionate.. its amazing! My relationships with other people have change already, my Sister, my Dad ,everyone... i love them all. I connect with people now! I can hug people now without suspicion.. i want to see the world!!

 

I finished my first song in years this week. It’s the most amazing piece of music I have ever made and its for her. But what to do with it? But what should be intentions be with it? It can't be a song that I made to get her back? It has to be a song to say thank you for opening my eyes up to the world!!

 

Guys help me out here if you can! 10 Years is a long time!

[CailinPig]

my advice is: send her a text or an email or something that gives a link to this exact page. This will show her that you are serious. She'll be able to see that you mean it; that the words you say to her are true, because you said them anonymously to others.

I hope she listens. But this is your final chance, I figure. Don't screw it up!

[orangesean]

Is it just me or are texts a really tacky way to communicate with someone you love, especially on important matters? I still can't believe the amount of people on LS that have very essential conversations through texting, breaking up through texting, and using texting to cheat on their SOs... This is just nuts to me. haha but that's besides the point.

 

Anyways man, I somehow have a feeling you can get her back because something still keeps bringing her back even if you screw up.

 

I'm curious on why all these years you guys did not move in together (or have you)? Or attempt to marry (or do you both not believe in marriage, which is okay)? Or something.

 

I see maybe on your part you have a large lack of commitment. I mean if so all I can offer is this quote from High Fidelity which is a movie that sums up a lot of typical break up problems well:

 

"I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments."

[Warm]

Thanks for the responses guys.

 

@Callinpig. - As you can guess, what I wrote above has been communicated to here over the past few weeks in dribs and drabs. Shes being very strong and unflinching though. She knew this would be tough so shes not open to discussing the relationship. Thats hurting but very understandable. I dont know if sending her a link to this would help. Shes a very intelligent & determined woman. Thats why I love her!

 

I suppose my 'plan' if you could call it that, is to cop myself on for my sake.

Give her space to be happy, become a better man and finish this song and get it played on her favourite radio show in my country. A tough task but I will do it. I promise you. And the song is a THANK YOU, not a whinging cry for her.

 

@sean.. Yes its about commitment, but I was getting to that but I was avoiding it too! And we did live together for the first 3 years, the last year of which was tough, but since she went travelling she moved back to the countryside. Its kind of hard now though because she has the perfect job , but its in a rural area. Im so proud of her and her job. She is very happy there so I would not ask her to move from it. But I work in IT so im always gonna need to be near a large town or city (god I got cold call asking if i wanted an interview in a town very near her yesterday!!) . But the funny thing is that since we have broken up I have actually moved 40mins nearer her. Were apart but closer than ever before. I dunno. I thought I was doing the right thing.. actually I did do the right thing... but I lost sight of what was most important for her as a woman, which is to make her feel special every second of the day. Im a dufus sometimes.. but arent all men? Do we all do this? I get scared when I hear woman say 'he wont change' or 'think of all the other decent men outhere who will treat you right' because what scares me most is that she'll meet some mirror image of me.. a guy who has finally sorted all his stuff out after years of struggling and the i'll meet some other girl the mirror image of her who has been waiting for some guy who has finally sorted all his stuff out!

 

Oh its bizarre! Even more scary for me is her finding another love (understadable and acceptable) and then for her to go through the exact same kind of **** she went through with me. Being taken for granted.. but not because she is unloved.. because we are men and we screw up alot. But Im learning.. learning about love and women and how much she has done for me. I just want to repay her.. i dont want her to to go through life lsearching for the holy grail of love, when it turns out it was in the first place she looked all along.

 

I keep using the same soundbites that I have used in messages to her.. but they resonate with me.

 

I really love her guys. Should I just set her free and let her fly away?

[orangesean]

Well I mean really your only option is to set her free. What she does next is up to her.

 

In the mean time you have to move on and better yourself and just try not to think about her. It's really the only way. The future is uncertain and you have to let it happen by itself.

[mma_j]

Should I just set her free and let her fly away?

 

Your story REALLY touched my heart. It's pretty much the exact same thing I'm going through.

 

You need to follow your heart and go. If it were meant to be, you'll be back together. In the end, maybe not now, and perhaps even years from now, you can be friends again on an even more intimate level.

 

I applaud your courage, Warm. You're really inspirational and awesome. I hope for my situation, the relief is as huge as yours. I need to discover what the world is like by myself, too. I'm thinking about emptying out the bank account and going backpacking for a while, just to discover myself.

 

Whatever it is you do, you will find success. Just keep coming here when you need that extra support. You're going to live a really storied life!

[Warm]

Guys. Turns out there is another elephant in the room. And this stuff is starting to make more and more sense with regards to my behaviour.

 

It had been suggested that I may have Adult ADD (Attention Defict Disorder). I am going to see a specialist in a few weeks and I was shocked at how many of these symptoms I have exhibited since I was a child. I am a UNIQUE person. I always knew it, but my life has been one big mess of disorganisation and confusion. Her main reason for leaving me seems to be that she thought she would have to wait forever to "sort my stuff out". But I should never be underestimated. I suppose another thing I love so much about her is that she is the exact opposite of me.. she always has her stuff sorted and so organised. I have always been secretly jealous. I have been a burden to her and myself and I want out of this too as much as she does. She needs a strong person by her side. Not a burden. Shes very happy to have escaped. And I am happy for her too.

 

I was talking to her last night and we might be meeting on thursday. But after 10 years I doubt she wants to chat about my behaviour anymore. Its not good to bring up my weaknesses with someone who doesnt love you It might just repell her further. But she knows me best.. she knows how I act. Should I just act cool or chat about these things?

 

What I want to know from you guys is that should I send her a link to the site which lists the symptoms and ask her opinion on it. It will resonate with her. But it breaks the NC rule and may just drag stuff up.

 

Please. Opinions guys.

[Warm]

Too late. ADD wins. I sent her a mail. But nothing too heavy, just to see if it gives her any answers about my behaviour towards her.

 

I suppose the hardest part of this for her is that her father acts the same way i do and she sees the strain it can put on her mother. But at least I am addressing it I suppose. I am going to a specialist on 20th of August. I cant wait. All this was for the best. What more loving thing could she have done, than show me how to stand on my own two feet.

[mma_j]

Too late. ADD wins. I sent her a mail. But nothing too heavy, just to see if it gives her any answers about my behaviour towards her.

 

I suppose the hardest part of this for her is that her father acts the same way i do and she sees the strain it can put on her mother. But at least I am addressing it I suppose. I am going to a specialist on 20th of August. I cant wait. All this was for the best. What more loving thing could she have done, than show me how to stand on my own two feet.

 

Warm, you're going to get through this!

 

Your situation is never going to be black or white. It's going to be gray for a little bit. You have a uniqueness about yourself that helps you understand yourself.

 

It is a tough cookie, the situation you're in. I've uncovered another elephant in my situation as well, so just take it one day at a time. Maybe we can find a way to chat. Please be careful not to get too hopeful as any let down will be twice as hard.

 

My warning: If they do put you on any type of ADD/ADHD medication, make sure you have plenty of things to take your mind off your situation. I speak from experience when I say heartbreak is the WORST thing to focus on... In fact, it gets magnified.

[Warm]

Thanks. Such Kind words. People do say I am loving and kind and have an great heart, but at the same time those people same think I am insensitive. I said a very hurtful thing to a friend when I was trying to make sense of it all. I said its like grief, like i dunno losing a parent a loved one. That guys father died when he was 4 and his mother died from cancer a few years ago. I love him to bits and I ALWAYS feel for him and what he has gone through. But i didnt even realise what I said to him untill he pulled me up on it yesterday. I felt soo bad. I dont even remember saying it. I blabber. I need to learn how to be aware of myself. For me! And everyone else.

 

For the first time in my life I feel open with my father and my sister. Dont ask me why as I am as open with my other brothers and my mother. My father and sister are lovely. Memories of my father nearly in tears trying to understand why I was so cold with him are coming to light. I cant explain them. But I kind of blamed my 'messyness' on him. When in fact we are very similar and should support each other. I know that now. And I love him. Weird. Saying that. Not that I didn't, but its equal with my love for my mum now if you know what I mean.

 

I'm not getting my hopes up. I'm too happy right now to let that stop me. But isn't this what both of us were waiting for?

I know people are not meant to change, but sometimes boys do grow into men. Even the word 'man' is resonanting with me. I feel it. I'm learning about what the word is. The same way she taught me everything about the word 'woman'. I dunno its weird. I remember about 3 months ago when I was driving my car and heard a radio report about "a 19 year old man had been arrested etc".. I started asking myself (I'm 30 in 4 weeks btw) "are you man?, are you a man, are you a MAN?". I resigned myself to the fact that I felt like a boy. Well I feel different now. But the boy is still a part of me. Hes my best buddy, not someone who has been kicked into touch. Hes being hugged now. By real me. I don't need her to do this anymore. I dont need a girlfriend/security blanket. I need a woman who needs a man. Like she does!

 

Re medication. Remember in the beginning I said that I kinda freaked out 3 years when I was suffering from depression. The medication thing scared me. I start doing kind of piecemeal meditation instead which kind of got me through the really bad days. What got me through those exams, I locked myself in a room for months on end, quit smoking, listened to classical music (instead of usuall nose-bleed electronic music , meditated everytime I felt I was underpressure and most importantly I turned into HYPERFOCUS mode about computer programming. It really was unhealthy. I spent 19 hours of the day learning and learning and learning.. i went manic about it. Like I said the day after my exams I was't relaxing. I was studying! for an exam I didnt need! And never sat. I hadn't really sorted out anything. All i proved to myself really was that I was intelligent but still even in the act of studying I wasnt in control at all. Mania still got me to where I am. And her love and support. She used to come visit and stock my cupboards with food and goodies. God I love her so much!

 

Look back at the paragraph I just wrote above! I started off talking about medication and I end up wandering down some other random path. The poor girl.

 

All i was trying to say was that I prefer management and strict meditation to drugs to address this. I went to my first Zen meditation class tonight. But I still want to talk to an expert. I have days of really good concentration now and then since we split up. I want these to become more and more frequent.

 

I could type all night couldn't I.

 

 

Oh. And lets chat somehow. I am on msn from time to time. Would you believe I actually love being the agont aunt so bring it on!!

[Warm]

I just got a big questionairre from the ADD specialist that I am meant to fill out. Bawling my eyes out reading the questions. Story of my life. Poor girl having to deal with this.

[mma_j]

I just got a big questionairre from the ADD specialist that I am meant to fill out. Bawling my eyes out reading the questions. Story of my life. Poor girl having to deal with this.

 

That's crazy. Maybe we all have it to some degree.